Title: A research dump of Captain Hotknives Songs & Lyrical Inspirations
Topic: Comedians

  Captain Hotknives Greatest Hits

    Introduction

    Volume 1 – Comedy Songs

      1. Mushrooms

      2. Prejudiced Wildlife

      3. Scuse me mate

      4. Glue

        Introduction

        Song

      5. The Pigeons Told Me To Shoplift

      6. One Good Thing About Buckfast

      7. Johnny Depp With Me Bird

      8. Hotknives Are Good For You

      9. I Skanked Me Nanna

        Intro

        Song

      10. Anti-Gravity Cats

      11. I'm In An Anarchist Squat Punk Band

      12. Bob the Amazing Sheepdog

      13. I Hate Babies

        Intro

        Song

    Volume 2 – Folk Songs

      1. Travelling Free

      2. Hustler’s Lament

      3. Into The Valley of The Timber Wolves

        Intro

        Song

      4. Let The Sorrow Come

      5. Smugglers Bold

      6. Out of Sight

    Volume 3 – Instrumentals

      1. Riff for Paco

      2. Say Farewell

      3. Demented Pixie Music

      4. Manchego

      5. Five Pound Junkie Shades

      6. Walking Through Morecambe

      7. Banjoy Division

      8. Molly’s Song

      9. Into The Valley Of The Timberwolves

      10. All The Kings Are Gone

      11. Lying To Your Mum

      12. Coming Down Slow

    Volume 4 – Bonus CD - Stand Up, Sketches & Stories

      1. Soundchecks & Singbacks

      2. Day 3604 In The Big Tory Workhouse

      3. Steward Skit

      4. Salt-N-Pepa Push It Parody

      5. Electric Distortion

      6. Riley In A Can

      5. The Light Side Of Psychosis

        Intro

        Story

      6. The Story of Captain Hotknives

    Notes from the editor

      1. Call out for a collective writing project

      2. Comedy song analysis

        I Skanked Me Nana

        Intro

        Song

  The story behind various songs

    Mushrooms Song

  All aspects to the life that inspired the songs

    Early Inspiration

    Inspiration to write

    Changing Lyrics

    Memories

      Childhood

      20s

    Techno-skiffle Band

    Jazz Band

    Support Worker

    Chrisis Fund

    Festivals known and loved

    Bad crowd reactions

    Health Condition

      Seizures & Memory Loss

    Mental Health

      Manic Depression

      Alcoholism

      Tourretes

      ADHD & Dyslexiaa

    Northern

      Swear words

      John Peel

      Look North

    Anti-Capitalism

    Hobbies

    Gigs

    Cosmo

  Lesser Known Song Lyrics

    Seizure Later

    Rolling with the bible

    Nuns

  Interviews yet to be distilled down

    3. The Captain Hotknives Open Mic Night 2 w VERY Special Guests - Apr 21, 2021

    4. The Captain Hotknives Open Mic Talent Show 2022 - Nov 20, 2022

  Full transcripts of source interviews

    0. FLY53 T.V.- Captain Hotknifes Interview Manchester - Apr 1, 2014

    1. You Call That Radio with Captain Hotknives - Mar 23, 2020

    2. One year of Lockdown & You Call That Radio TV anniversary w Captain Hotknives Open Mic Night - Mar 23, 2021

    3. The Captain Hotknives Open Mic Night 2 w VERY Special Guests - Apr 21, 2021

    4. The Captain Hotknives Open Mic Talent Show 2022 - Nov 20, 2022

Captain Hotknives Greatest Hits

c-h-captain-hotknives-songs-inspiration-1.jpg

Introduction

Chris’s songs over the last 20 years or more have been a reminder to find the comic absurdity in many aspects of our society and the campaigns to change it for the better. Reminding us that in being able to laugh at ourselves, we can then feel freer to experiment and enjoy a culture with more complex forms of expression being understood.

He’s gone from risking his own skin walking into dodgy far-right pubs to sing songs making fun of racism, to writing songs making light of the head spinning speed in the 90s in which someone could go from leafleting against fox hunting to being asked to help liberate beagles from a laboratory. He’s poked fun at the history of land ownership and past along tales of drug smugglers robbing their van back from the RUC.

I created an album of for me what are Chris’s (Captain Hotknives) greatest hits, through finding what I think are the best quality versions out there of 13 well loved comedy songs, plus mixing and matching a few different versions together.

Secondly, I added together 3 volumes of folk songs, instrumentals & bonus tracks.

Thirdly, I typed up the lyrics and I’m working on building it into an illustrated sleeve notes zine which will contain lyrics, descriptions & more.

Finally, I’d like to help Chris get both up on his Bandcamp, so that 100% of music sales will go back to him & I’m keeping a tally of sales so that 50% of book & zine profits go back to him.

Buy the paperback on amazon for £5 (hopefully coming soon through other publishers).


Volume 1 – Comedy Songs

1. Mushrooms

***Listen here – 06:43**


This is not even based on a true story this

This just is a true story


In the fields of Scotland

After the rain has been raining

My feet are getting wet

My trainers are soaking


But I’m not fucking bothered

You’ll see me out in the fields

Looking on the ground

With me little paper bag

See what I’ve found…


Mushrooms

Little nipple shaped mushrooms

Lovely liberty capped mushrooms

Beautiful Scottish mushrooms


What a great free thing to find

What an unusual thing to do to me mind

Take them back to me house

Spread the newspaper out

Put them out to dry

Make me-self a pot of tea

And I don’t even need any milk or sugar

For this particular brew

All I need is boiling water and mushrooms

Mushrooms, feel me-legs are going along

Feel me hands are going strange

Everything is rearranged

Everything is rearranged


Now I’m back out in the fields

Laughing at the trees

Turn the volume down on the grass, oh that’s better

Tripping my tits off, I’m like oy, I can’t tell if I need a piss, or if I’ve already pissed myself, can’t tell if I have pissed myself

Put my hand on the front of my pants, I still can’t tell, I don’t know if my pants are wet or it’s just a cold day, I just can’t tell anymore.

Tripping too hard to know whether I’ve pissed myself.

And in the distance I see a Scottish farmer, I start shouting “Oy here mate, I’m not being funny, but would you just touch the front of my pants please? So I know whether or not I’ve pissed myself, so I can get on with the rest of my trip. Knowing whether or not I have got wet pants.”

And Scottish farmer, he didn’t help me out man, he weren’t helpful at all. He weren’t even friendly, not even a little bit friendly, I said just touch myself so I know whether or not I’ve had a piss and he told me to get off his land.

I were like for fucks sake, this isn’t an issue of land ownership, it’s just an issue of wet or dry pants. Just do a brother a favour man, I’m tripping my pants off, all I need to know is whether or not I’ve pissed myself. I don’t need to know who owns the fucking land.

And when I thought about it a bit more, I thought how can you own land? You can’t pick it up and take it anywhere. How can you say you own it? Can you pick it up and put it in your rucksack? Can you fuck, I said don’t be mental, you mental Scottish farmer. How can you own land? When you’re away squirrels piss on your land, I’m telling you.

Well, he didn’t like me at all, he seemed to think I was some sort of upstart. And the next thing I knew he was shouting at me a bit more, and he said, “get off my land.”

And I said, “aww I’ve heard this before, I’ve heard this till I’m blue in the face about your land. I said how come it’s your land?”

And he explained to me how you acquire land. I didn’t know this, but he said, “my grandfather fought for this land.”

And I said, “alright, that’s how it works then is it.” So, I said, “bring your grandad out here then. I’ll fight him for his land and when I win, then I’ll ask him to touch my pants. To see whether or not I’ve pissed myself.”

And I wish I’d never said that, his grandad was massive.

Hard as fuck, good at fighting.

Strong, Scottish, big fella.

Punching me in head.

Fucking hell, it really hurt man.

But the more it hurt, the more I laughed.

Because when someone’s punching you, it’s just so funny.

The look on their face, their face goes red, they look such a fucking dickhead.

When they’re punching you, so I just laughed.


But the more I laughed, the more he punched me.

And the more he punched me, the more I laughed.

And the more I laughed, the more upset he got.


He had a vein throbbing in his forehead, like a massive coke fiend.

He was shouting, punching me, sweating. And the next thing I knew, he died of a heart attack.

Scottish farmers grandad, he died of a heart attack.


And now I own his land

And now I own his land

If I could remember where it was


Because I was tripping off my tits when I owned that land

Now I can’t remember where the land was or where it all happened

But do you know what did happen?

I did piss myself


2. Prejudiced Wildlife

***Listen here – 07:47**


So this is a song imagining if animals were racists, in a way to demonstrate how stupid racism itself is as a concept.

It’s a bit silly isn’t it really?

As I said to two guys from the BNP, I said; “Aww, aww, not in the face.”


In the jungle, the racist jungle.

The animals are all fucking racists, some of the worst ones are the lions and they’ve got a big problem with the cheetahs.

They said, “bloody cheetahs, coming over here, who do they think they are, with their spotty fur, running faster than we can, taking all our antelopes and nicking our gazelles, the bastards.”


I wouldn’t let our Denise, marry a cheetah.

I wouldn’t let our Denise, marry a cheetah.

What would the kids be like? Oh no.

That would be no good would it? Oh no, they’d be half lion, half cheetah, they’d be like chions or leetahs, oh no.


And in the islands, the Gallapogas Islands.

That’s where you get racist giant tortoises.

They wonder around, close to the ground, and they’ve got a big problem with the chaffinches.

They say, “fucking chaffinches piss me off mate, they’re all on housing benefit, there’s 15 of them to a nest, oh no, they make me fucking sick, oh with their yellow feathers and their pointy beaks adapted for eating seeds, oh I’m telling you, they’re always shitting on our lettuce, oh the yellow feathery bastards, I was eating some lettuce last Thursday and I thought it had garlic mayonnaise on it! But no, it was chaffinch shite!


And so, I wouldn’t our Denise, marry a chaffinch

I wouldn’t our Denise, marry a chaffinch

I wouldn’t our Denise, marry a chaffinch

What would the kids be like? Half tortoise, half chaffinch, oh they’d be fucking mutants. They wouldn’t know whether to fly or eat lettuce, oh no, they’d be like tortoinches or chaffoises for fucks sake.


So the tortoises organized backward looking political parties, the tortoise national party, otherwise known as the TNP.

And they had a very, very, very slow march that nobody took any fucking notice of, the dickheads. I’m telling you, they were dick heads.


And in the arctic, the frozen arctic.

That’s where you get white supremacist polar bears.

And because they’re white, they think they’re alright.

And they’re always picking on the penguins.


Only the other day, a group of white supremacist polar bears, left a great big cross burning outside pingo the penguins’ igloo.

And his igloo melted into the sea, and you could see pingo inside having a wank to penguin porn and he had a massive black and white cock, and he come out and he said…

What the fuck you picking on me for, you white furry wankers, is it ‘cause I is black and white? Hey?


And I tell you what, the penguins were getting sick of it

The penguins were getting sick of it

The penguins were getting sick of being picked on by the white supremacist polar bears

Just for the colours of their flippers which they honestly couldn’t help, they were just born that way.

And so, they got on their mobile phones and they tried to ring their brothers and cousins, but they ran out of credit because the dickheads were on pay as you go.

They couldn’t get a contract because none of them could put their address down properly because none of them could read and write, they were penguins.

And so, they had to text the killer whales and get them to ring them back.

And the killer whales rang them back and said what’s the problem?

They said it’s these white supremacist polar bears mate, picking on us for naught.

And they said, we’d like to help you out, but we live in the fucking sea!

What the fuck are we supposed to do about it? Grow legs and kick ‘em up the ass?

That’s evolution you dickheads, that takes millinea.

Captain hotknives has been trying to evolve a third arm, so he can get that cider, since the beginning of his set, he still hasn’t even got a bump on his shoulder blade.


And the penguins said, no we’ve had a plan, we’ve had a plan, we’ve had a plan, we’ve had a plan, we’ve had a plan, we’ve had a plan, we’ve had a plan, we’ve had a plan, we’ve had a plan, we’ve had a plan, we’ve had a plan, we’ve had a plan, we’ve had a plan, we’ve had a plan, we’ve had a plan, we’ve had a plan…

And the polar bears said, look just tell us what the fucking plan is. It’s fucking freezing here, it’s like the fucking arctic.


And so the penguins told the killer whales the plan, very quietly.

They said, half eleven on Thursday morning after you get back from signing on to new deal for killer whales.

You just wait in the sea, next to the ice. With some knives and forks and some Branston pickle.

And we are going to trick the dickhead white supremacist polar bears, into falling in the sea by winding them up.

And then you can eat them for your tea, what do you reckon to that, and the killer whales said good fucking plan.

It will indeed make a change from eating recipes that we’ve watched Jamey Oliver make on telly.

And there’s plenty of meat on a polar bear, that sounds like a good plan.


So, at 29 minutes past 11 on Thursday morning, that’s when the penguins put the plan into action.

And in the distance, they could see, a group of white supremacist polar bears who were practicing their Hitler salutes and looking at pictures of Nick Griffin.

And to wind them up, they started shouting at them and this is what they said…


Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough

Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough

Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough


We’ve been shagging your Denise

She was in a penguin porno film

She’s covered in penguin spunk

And now she’s had white and black, she won’t be coming back


And the polar bears were angry, they were so angry, that the only way I can demonstrate how angry they were, is by the use of a facial expression so terrifying that I only dare use it the once.

“Fucking penguins, fuckin hell!”


And the polar bears ran towards the penguins, fully intending to rip their flippers off and beat them with the soggy ends.

But just as they got close enough to them, the penguins did the masterful bit of their masterful plan.

And they just moved to one side, like that.

And the polar bears were going to fast on the slippery, slippery ice of the arctic.

And they fell straight into the sea.

Where they were surrounded by vicious killer whales with knives and forks, and massive fucking teeth.


And they didn’t have time…

To swim away, to swim away, to swim away, to swim away, to swim away, to swim away, to swim away, to swim away, to swim away, awooooooooo awoo awoooo.


3. Scuse me mate

***Listen here – 04:17**


Scuse me mate, scuse me mate, scuse me mate, scuse me mate, scuse me mate.

You look like a kind fella, even if you lie about trivial stuff, I don’t care.

Come on mate, scuse me mate, you can sort us out, you’ve got a kind face, I can tell by your face.


So what it is right, I just need a pound or two to buy some parts.

Some parts for my time machine, the one that I’m building at home.

I am a erm, government scientist, but my funding has been cut.

I’m working on time machine technology, my time machine is coming on really well.

But I just need a Pentium processor, and a 16 gig memory stick and a wah-wah peddle, to make me fucking time machine complete.


I need to travel back in time, to get off the street.

I’m going to travel back in time, I am.

And when I do, I’ll get some money and I’ll come back and that.


I’m gonna travel back in time, I am.

Come on mate, don’t be funny.

Give us a pound, you look like a kind fella.

You do I can tell by your face.

Come on mate, don’t be tight.


I’m going to go back in time, back to a time before Misses Thatcher.

Back to a time before I was addicted to heroin.

I’ll fly back to a time before Misses Thatcher was just an MP

I’ll wait outside her house with a bit of coal in one hand a bit of steel in the other.

And when the evil bitch comes home, I’ll get out my time machine.

I’ll be the only one in the place with decent trainers on, it’ll be in the old days.

Misses Thatcher won’t be expecting time travelling bastards coming back in time addicted to heroin, she wouldn’t think of that, she wouldn’t even know I was coming.

And with my piece of coal in one hand and my piece of steel in the other, I can exact a premature revenge, I could smash her fucking head off her neck.

Before she could go onto protect all the fucking paedophiles and take all the mines away.

Before she could go onto create a diversionairy war in the Fawkland islands to take our minds off the fact she was taking all our fucking milk, milk snatching bastard.

It’s worth giving me a pound, it’s more than worth giving me a pound.


I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking you saw me in the bus station last week saying something very similar.

No, I swear down, I’m a scientist. I proper am a scientist. I know what you’re saying, I’ve got that look, you know when they bob about.

Now I know what you’re thinking, it’s to put in me arm.

To feed that little baby what lives in me arm, that only eats that brown powdery milk, but no.

It isn’t that, it’s for my time machine you dickhead.


Come on, don’t be tight.

Thanks for not hitting me, thanks for not kicking me, thanks for not punching me, thanks for not spitting on me.

What it is right, I’ve just got out of a bail hostel for stabbing a nonce, I never stabbed him, he was on a skateboard, I was just drying up, you know from the washing up. Anyway his braces must have got caught on the door handle, cause he seemed to have gone back and forth a lot of times when I was holding the knife out. So you know, now I’m getting the blame, what the fuck? I’m a scientist you dickhead.

Come on mate, don’t be tight.


Give us a pound, give us a pound, give us a pound, actually £1.37 would be good.

Because I need to get back to Doncaster, because my wife is having a baby, she’s having a baby, she’s having a baby in Doncaster, I just need £2.52, £2.52 is all I need for my bus fair.


You look like a kind fella, I see that you’ve injured your hand.

Do you know what? You know what they say, if you give to somebody, it comes back.

And if you give to me, you won’t get nought back.

But when I go back in time in my time machine, I’ll go back and get you an elaster plaster for your hand.


Come on mate, don’t be tight, you know it makes sense.

You think I’m a smackhead don’t you, well you’re fucking wrong there.

I could give up any day, I’m not addicted, I should know by now, I do it every day.


When you give us a pound, I’ll create a time machine and go visit me Nana and borrow 20 quid off her while she was still alive.

Then I’m going to come back with 20 quid and if you give us your address….

Tell me, tell me when you’re going out, so there’s no point in me coming round when you’re out, that’d be stupid, I might end up nicking your DVD player and stuff like that.


And I’ll come round and bring you a pound.

I’ll come round and bring you a pound.

I’ll come round and bring you a pound, if you could sort us out.

I’ll come round and bring you a pound.

I’ll come round and bring you a pound.

I’ll give you 2 pound tomorrow, if you give me a pound today, I will.


You tight bastards.


4. Glue

***Listen here – 05:24**


Introduction

So I don’t want you to take this song as an encouragement to do glue, it’s more an observation of having done it. You know because I’d hate to go outside and see you all at the end of this gig with a tin of evo and a fucking placky bag, huffing like common huffers on a street corner.

So just nobody sue me if you do get into glue, it’s not because of this song. That’s all I’m saying.


Song

All my life, I’ve been sniffing

Solvent fumes and now I’m tripping

Yooh-whoo, I’m in love with glue

It’s my favourite thing to do


If you want to get out of your head

First find a bread bag without any bread and fill it up with glue

That’s what you need to do

Cheaper and nasty, get them from a corner shop too.


Don’t talk to me about MDMA

That stuffs for girls, it turns everybody gay

You all end up cuddling each other and thinking you’re all each other’s best mates

And you all end up in big baths surrounded by candles, listening to ambient dub-tronica, giving each other massages


Glue, that’s what you want to do

Glue, is the drug for you


Don’t talk to me about cocaine

Oh here we go again

People on cocaine, think they’re so important and loud, and have to be vocal and shout above the crowd, tell you how many fights they’ve won, how many birds they’ve shagged, how much fucking money they’ve got, fuck off!


Glue, better off with glue

That’s what you want to do

It’s the more honest drug for you


Don’t talk to me about amphetamines

When I took speed and I went for a piss, I pulled down my pants and I pulled down my zip, and I looked at my jeans [sigh]


Glue, better off with glue

Unlike speed, it doesn’t shrivel your cock


Don’t talk to me about ketamine

It’s a horse tranquilizer for fucks sake

Posh kids of Bristol, having bladder problems in their early 20s, cause they spent too much time, doing horse tranquilizers, what for? To upset their mums? They had everything they ever wanted, silly bastards. Horses can’t even score now, horses have to go to elephants, elephants are dealing to horses now and they’re not to be trusted, they’ve got that trunk thing going on, they’re like that; “hey mate, what you after? Elephant ket? Have that” [sigh]


Glue, better off with glue

You don’t have to get it off elephants


Don’t talk to me about salvia divinorum

It’s a legal high, it looks a bit like weed, you smoke it in a pipe, these guys gave me a pipe of it and then I had a bit, and then after I had it, it all went like this [plays soothing psychedelic lullaby] for about 10 minutes.


Glue, better off with glue

You know what you’re getting with glue


Don’t talk to me about LSD

Me and me mates we all used to take LSD, we thought we were cool and that and we knew what was going on, we didn’t really, we got confused, we tried to buy some plane tickets to Sidney Australia, on my mate Tony’s master card, we stood in a que to buy the tickets, we stood in a que for ages tripping off our fucking faces, saying “how tripping are you? Yeah I’m really fucking tripping? Yeahhh.” And we were in the que, trying to be quite, we got to the front to buy the tickets, get the tickets to Sidney Australia, but as a fucking mission it was a total fucking failure, got to the front of the que and the woman said; “what do you want son?” Tony said “3 tickets to Sidney Australia please,” and the woman said I’m sorry son, this is the Royal Bank of Scotland.


Glue, better off with glue

Should have checked the sign outside the shop


My psychiatrist said that because I sniffed a lot of solvents, it would leave me essentially vacant [makes vacant face]


But he was wrong, he was wrong, I never get too vacant for too long


My psychiatrist said that because I sniffed petrol out of crisp packets in a graveyard with me mate when I was 14, I’d end up mindlessly aggressive to some stranger I’d never seen.

But he was wrong, I never get aggressive, I’m more chilled out than Gandhi, I never get aggressive to anybody.

What you fucking looking at, you fucking silly cunt, I’ll kill your fucking nana, I’ll stab your fucking mum, I’ll fuck your fucking dog, I’ll put your dog in microwave and when it’s gone bing, I’ll bring it out, I’ll shove it up your ass, stab you, burn your house down, you inside it, fucking get all your family inside it, burn them as well, bring them all out, fuck em while they’re still on fire, fuck you, bury you, dig you back up, stab you again, kill your fucking brother twice.


Glue, that’s what you want to do.

Glue a-who-a-who-a-who-who

Glue a-who-a-who-a-who-who


Buddy Holly, sniffed a lot of glue-a-who-who

That is why he grabbed control of the plane; “I want to go this way-a-who-a-who-who [sound of an explosion]”

That’s the end of that one.


5. The Pigeons Told Me To Shoplift

***Listen here – 08:34**


This is a sensitive song. Did I say sensitive? I meant mental. Same difference.


The pigeons told me to shoplift

The voices were so persuasive

The pigeons they controlled my mind

And shortly afterwards I did find

Myself in Dixon’s putting things in my coat

And looking around and running away

And running away from a security guard

He was overweight, but he thought he was hard

That’s when he involved the police on me


And the magistrate, he didn’t believe me about the pigeons who told me to shoplift

He said son, I think you’re a mentalist, he said, I’m sending you for psychiatric reports

I said please don’t send me for psychiatric reports

He said, I’m sending you for psychiatric reports

I said please don’t send me for psychiatric reports [more desperate]

He said, I’m sending you for psychiatric reports [more angry]

I said please don’t send me for psychiatric reports [more desperate]

He said, I’m sending you for psychiatric reports [more angry]

I said please don’t send me for psychiatric reports [more desperate]

He said, I’m sending you for psychiatric reports, you can’t have been told to shoplift by pigeons, you’re bullshitting us you bastard, get to fuck, get to the fucking hospital, do as you’re told, I’m a fucking magistrate.


I was like chill out knob-head, fucking hell, aren’t magistrates uptight these days.

So, they took me off in the green van, with the square wheels.


And that’s where I met the psychiatrist, he didn’t believe me either.

He said, son, there’s no way on earth a pigeon can tell you what to do.

I said you don’t understand, I’ll show you…


I can speak the pigeon’s language I said, and that was about the time that I looked deep into his eyes as I started to speak, in the manner of the pigeons, through my beak, I said…

whistles


And that’s how I hypnotized the psychiatrist.

That’s how I got him to give me the keys.

Give me the keys to the drug trolley, give me the keys to his BMW, which was parked outside, automatic transition, nice one.

And when he was a fat fucker like me, and while he was hypnotized, I took his clothes off him and I got his suit on. And I took his identity badge as well, which said Mr. Patel.

And I fucked off out of the hospital, dressed as a psychiatrist.

And I got into his BMW.

It had nice leather seats, I thought this will fucking do.


Drove away down Manningham lane.

Manningham lane in the pouring rain.

And I saw this busker with a guitar.

Walking along in the pissing rain, and I thought poor bastard I’ll give him a lift.


Pulled up in BMW, I said to the busker, what’s your name then?

He said, “Captain Hotknives.”

I said, “that’s a fucking weird name, what’s your real name?”

He said “Chris.”

I said, “get in Chris, I’ll give you a lift mate, anywhere you want to go.

He said, “well I’m just off into town, I’ve got a gig.”

I said, “Oh have you, get in mate, you’ll be safe as houses with me, I’m a psychiatrist.”

Trusting knob-head.


So I drove along down Manningham lane. Then I got back into town again, and when I got near city square, I saw so many fucking pigeons there. More fucking pigeons than I’ve ever seen. More fucking pigeons than there could have been. So many pigeons, it was obscene.

And all the pigeons were talking to me, they said

whistles

And I said to them, that is good advice.

And for those of you who don’t speak pigeon English, what the pigeons said was…


Kill the hitchhiker and take his guitar

Do his gig, you might get far

You might even get free vegan chili

You might even get some lemon drizzle cake


I thought fucking hell!

Never has there been such an opportunity in being dressed as a psychiatrist


So I said, “here mate, is it pretty easy to play a guitar?

And he said, “yeah it’s not that hard.”

And I said, “aww cool,” and I strangled him.

He was easy to kill, he was a vegan. I snapped his neck with one hand.

And in my other hand was a donna kebab.

I should have really had my other hands on the steering wheel, but it said automatic, I thought it must drive automatically.


And I crashed into a big pile of rubble that used to be City Square.

And I left the busker and BMW there.

And I took the buskers hoodie and I went to the gig.

And that’s how I’m here pretending to be Captain Hotknives.

And you knob-heads all think I’m Captain, Captain Hotknives or whatever he’s called.


But I’m not, I’m a guy who escaped from a mental hospital.

And later on, when you’ve all forgotten about this bit of me set.

I’m going to follow one of you home, and that you’ll regret.

I’ll get ‘housing benefit claim on your spare room.

And then I’ll have words with your dad.

And I’ll end up being your dad’s best mate.

And I’ll follow him down to fucking allotments.

And then I’ll grow some ganja plants.

And then I’ll get all your fucking cd’s and scratch them.


I just want one last chorus to get me out of this song because I’m not quite sure how I got into it.

So I want every fucking person in here to do pigeon noises and if you don’t, believe you me, I will follow you home individually, track you down.

And bearing in mind, that recently my nana gave me 2 cd’s of everybody’s name and address on it in England.

Gave me them for Christmas she did, used to work for the NDWP she did.


So can we have pigeon noises on the count of 17 and I will find out if anyone hasn’t done it.

Are you ready, on the count of 17, 1, 2, 3, 17…


pigeon noises


6. One Good Thing About Buckfast

***Listen here – 02:46**


Put your hands up if you’ve drunk so much Buckfast, that when you tried getting out of a taxi, your feet stayed in the taxi and the rest of you went out of the taxi, and you went like that, and you were covered in a little bit of snot and gravel was in the snot.

Alright, so we all know what we’re dealing with here then.


One good thing about Buckfast, it gets you fucked fast.

One good thing about Buckfast, it gets you fucked fast.

Brewed by mugs, drunk by mugs, it gets you fucked fast.


One good thing about cider, it makes you lose your lighter.

One good thing about cider, it makes you lose your lighter.

It is made of apples and it sends you mental, oy, oy, oy.


One good thing about whiskey, it makes your life a bit more risky.

One good thing about whiskey, it makes your life a bit more risky.


One good thing about iron brew, it is made out of girders.

One good thing about iron brew, it is made out of girders.

It is made entirely out of iron girders.


One good thing about tenant souper, it comes in a nice blue can.

One good thing about tenant souper, it comes in a nice blue can.

And it’s always easy to find in the train station.


One good thing about train stations, they’re always full of cops.

One good thing about train stations, they’re always full of security guards.

And the security guards always think they’re hard.


One good thing about security guards… [shakes head].

One good thing about security guards… [shakes head].

One good thing about security guards… nothing, nothing, nothing, fuck all, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.


One good thing about Buckfast, it gets you fucked fast.

One good thing about Buckfast, it gets you fucked fast.

Brewed by mugs, drunk by mugs, it gets you fucked fast.


Right it’s chaz and dave bit time now, you know like rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, this is fuck fast, fuck fast. So everytime I say buckfast, you say fuckfast really fast, are we ready?


Buckfast! Fuck fast!

Buckfast! Fuck fast!

Buckfast! Fuck fast!

Buckfast! Fuck fast!

Buckfast! Fuck fast!


Oooooh-oh-oh-fuck-fast.


7. Johnny Depp With Me Bird

***Listen here – 08:04**


People of London can you cope with a bit more, I know there’s people with dogs and stuff at home. I know personally my own children are at home, wondering where I’ve gone, but you know that was weeks ago now.

They’ll be alright, won’t they? Fuck it, they’re pretty quick, they pick up on stuff.

Anyway, so this is a tune about when my girlfriend cheated on me and I caught her in the fucking middle of it all, so it’s a Christmasy one.


I came home early, earlier than I’d said.

I noticed that my bird had had a new haircut.

3rd new haircut in a week, and scratches down her back.

And the scratches were red.

And I could clearly see poking out from under the bed.

These right long scissory fingers.

And the scissory fingers were attached to the leathery covered arms of Johnny Depp, under me bed.

Johnny Depp in his Edward scissor hands outfit, been shagging my bird.


Johnny Depp with me bird.

Johnny Depp with me bird.

Johnny Depp with me bird.

I think I’m going to have to have a word, with me bird.


So, I says to me bird, is this why you never text me back anymore? And is this why you’ve always got new haircuts and just come up with reasons not to turn up to my gigs.

And she said, well I didn’t want you to kick off and go mental and get sectioned again.

And I said look love, it’s bad enough coming home to find you shagging somebody else, but Johnny fucking Depp, in his Edward Scissorhands outfit, that really chaffes, that chaffes me to bits.

And I looked at Johnny Depp and I grabbed him by his ankles, I pulled him out from under the bed, I was gonna smash his fucking head in, or at the very least bury him in sand and put an ice-skate on my foot and kick his face off.

But then I looked at his face and I thought, look at all them little cuts on his face, aww Johnny Depp’s got tiny cuts all over his face. Why am I getting so angry for? That poor guy, he’s got cuts on his face. They’re probably caused by them scissory hands.

I thought them scissory hands, that’s awful, poor fella I never looked at it like that. But scissory hands is massive disability, he could get DLA for that mate, honestly, I’ll help you fill the forms out, cause you won’t be able to hold the fucking pen, will you? You scissory bastard.

And I thought with them scissory hands, how does he wipe his ass? How does he wipe his ass? It must really, really chaffe when he tries to wipe his ass with scissory hands.

And then I thought poor bastard. If I smash his face in, it’d be like kicking someone out of a wheelchair, I couldn’t do that, no way, that’d be wrong. He’s disabled, he’s got cuts on his face.

And then I thought, with them scissory hands how does he roll a joint? How does he skin up, it must be pretty hap hazard, it must go all over the floor.

I thought with scissory hands, how does he have a wank, how does he satisfy that basic human urge to spunk on the curtains. And I thought his hands are made of scissors, aww poor lad. But then I thought wait a minute though he doesn’t need to have a wank though does he…

He’s been shagging my bird!

Johnny Depp with me bird.


Johnny Depp with me bird.

Johnny Depp with me bird.

Johnny Depp with me bird.

I think I’m going to have to have more words, with me bird.


So, I leant Johnny Depp 20 quid because he was disabled, and Johnny Depp got a taxi to Barker End which I thought was weird, ‘cause I thought he lived in Los Angeles you know, and I gave him half my last little blim of hash because he said he had no cash till jyro day. I thought hang on, I thought you were in films,


You know I’m gullible me, my mum always said I’m too soft, and I said what do you mean? And she punches me in face.

And then Johnny Depp fucked off in the taxi, and it were just me and Dawn, and I said Dawn, Dawn, come on you could have talked to me about this shit, why have you been shagging Johnny Depp behind my back?


What’s Johnny Depp got that I haven’t?

And it was a right long list, of stuff that Johnny Depp’s got that I haven’t got.

Like for example….

He’s really good looking

He doesn’t have a purple nose

He takes his coat off in the house

He never shits himself

Apparently he’s quite funny and he’s in films

He’s really kind and he gives her cuddles, even when she’s had that PMT


I said is that that type of acid that you smoke that only lasts for 10 minutes?

And she said, no Christopher, that’s DMT, you dyslexic knob-head.


And I thought, there’s all these things Johnny Depp’s better at and he’s got everything.


And then she said, he could stay awake after sex.

Flash bastard.

And then she said, he could stay awake during sex.

That really upset me, that did.


And then I thought, there’s got to be a silver lining to this, there always is.

And then I thought, oh yeah, I’ve just remembered something actually.

About something that came in the post the other day.


There’s something that Johnny Depp’s got now, that he didn’t have before he met my bird.

There’s something that Johnny Depp’s got now, that he didn’t have before he met my bird.

There’s something that Johnny Depp’s got now, that he didn’t have before he met my bird.


Chlamydia!


Johnny Depp with me bird.

Johnny Depp with me bird.

It didn’t even help when I had a fucking word.


8. Hotknives Are Good For You

***Listen here – 10:07**


I was down in the desert, about 10 years A.D.

I went for a picnic with Joseph and Mary, and a young J.C.

Nobody brought any rizla papers and nobody brought a pipe

And after 14 fucking miles on a donkey, Mary wanted a smoke bad


Little Jesus, he pointed up to the sky and he said hey mum look, it’s a message from dad

There was a quire of Angels singing in the sky, advising Jesus and Mary and Jesus upon a new way to get high

They pointed down to the camping stove below, Joseph got the knives out of his carpenters tool bag, Mary smashed the bottom off a milk bottle, Jesus chopped the resin into tiny pieces and I looked on in amazement as the donkey produced a ghetto blaster which started blasting out grand master flash at top volume, in the fucking desert of Palestine. I were like fucking brilliant, we’re gonna have a bar, this is ace.

And above us in the Palestinian sky, some angels on a cloud, were just about to sing and then some Zionist angels turned up and tried to build a wall round the cloud, and they were like fuck off, we’re trying to sing here you nob heads.


And the Palestinian angels sang…

Hotknives are good for you

Hotknives are good for you

Hotknives are good for you

Hotknives are good for you


So, I sat around and did some hotknives with Jesus and Mary and Joseph and even the donkey had a little toke as well.

And it were fucking brilliant, I thought how can you get so mashed off such a small amount of fucking ganja, that’s ace.

I had a bit of like desert mouth, but I didn’t give a fuck, it were ace.

Jesus got well excited, he started doing miracles everywhere, turned all the nearby water into special brew.

Why do you think it’s called the dead sea now? It’s made of special brew.

All the fish fucking floated up to the top like this, pissed.

Anyway, it was all going really good, then Joseph started getting paranoid again, he says to Mary, how come me and you look fucking Palestinian, and our Jesus looks like fucking Robert Powel?

How come our Jesus looks fucking Norwegian, he’s 6 foot 2, with blond hair and a beard, blue eyes, and a fucking halo, what the fuck’s going on there?

And Mary just looked at him in that tired way that mothers do when they’re getting accused of shagging somebody else, she just said to Joseph…


Chill out nobhead

Chill out nobhead

Chill out nobhead

Chill out nobhead


Mary said, does it really matter who the father is, we’ve got a fucking flat in Galilee out of it, you fucking twat.

What about the child benefit money, where do you think that ganja we just smoked came from?


Anyway, there was a quire of angels singing in the sky, down below them, we were fucking high.

And one of the angels dropped me down a twix, I said how did you know I was hungry?

And the angel said; “I’m an angel you dickhead, we’re clever, I’ve got O’level geography and everything.”

I said; “You’ve got O’levels? You must be old. They’re called GCSE’s now”

“I’m an angel, I’m really old.”

“You don’t look it.”

“I’m a fucking angel, get on with the song.”


And the angels sang…

Hot knives are good for you.

Hot knives are good for you.

Hot knives are good for you.

Hot knives are good for you.


23 years later, Jesus and myself were living in a flat with Kyle just up Manchester Road.

And we had these mates, they were called the apostles, they were brilliant, they were a right good set of lads and they all had really smart sandals and everything, and Jesus he had a mate who worked at the department of work and pensions, so he scammed all the Jiro’s for us.

I was on six hundred and seventy-two thousand pounds a day, nice one Jesus, good lad.

And we didn’t lack for anything, we had spaggeti hoopes with cheese on, every day, every fucking night dickhead, yes.

And it were going well round the gaff and fucking that, and we were all having a laugh and that.

But there was this one fucking apostle, fucking dickhead he was, from fucking Battersea, fucking right asshole, fucking plastic pretend football hooligan he was.

Reckoned he was hard, reckoned he was a Chelsea fan, I asked the other Chelsea fans, they said they never fucking heard of him.

His name were Judas, what a tosser, he said to Jesus, he said; “alright bruv, need anything from down town?”

And Jesus said; “no, no I don’t, I’m the son of God, I can create twixs from the very furniture, I am fine and anyway we all have the maximum jyro to survive.”

And Judas says; “Alright bruv, I’ll just nip out myself then.”

And he fucked off, and while he was gone, we were listening to Axis Bold As Love by Jimi Hendrix, we thought this is brilliant man, how the fuck did he get that guitar song, that’s just awesome. And Jesus said, “I taught him.” And I said, “Alright, yeah, yeah, fucking son of God, what fucking ever. I bet you invented wah-wah pedals as well, you vegan bastard.” And he said, “well yes I did actually.” And I said “Alright Jesus, some of your stories, you know you don’t half talk some bollox you.”

Anyway, there was a knock at the door, I thought who the fuck’s that? And it was Judas. And do you know what…

He came back, but he didn’t come alone.

He came back, but he didn’t come on his own.

He brought the drug squad with him, and they charged us with possession with intent to enjoy.

Brought ‘department of housing and benefits with him, charged us with doing miracles on the side while claiming incapacity benefits.

I said thank you very much Judas, you grassy little shit, where’s all the money from twixs.


Anyway, I was going to smack him, but fucking police took us away.

And we were sentenced to be crucified, I don’t even know what’s happened to Judas, I’ve heard he’s in the apostle protection program, the APP, and I was like alright.

Me and Jesus were nailed up on some wood and it was a right shocker, it was awful.

I tell you I had nails right threw my fucking wrists and I had right itchy bollocks aswell, I was like can’t reach, can’t reach.

But luckily Kyle never got caught and he came and gave them a bit of a scratch, thanks Kyle I’m glad you’re there.


Anyway, me and Jesus we were nailed up, just about to die and that, and I said, “yeah it’s alright for you Jesus, you’ll be back in 3 days, I’ve seen that film, you fucking Norwegian git, what about me?”


And Jesus just looked at me, in that way that he did, in that Norwegian vegan way, he said…

Chill out knobhead

Chill out knobhead

Chill out knobhead

Chill out knobhead


And there was a quire of angels, who flew down in front of me.

And one of them was carrying a big, big fucking sheet of purple LSD.

They had purple ‘Oms’ on, they were old school.

And the angel popped a few into my gob and said don’t worry about dying mate, that’s the least of your fucking worries, wait until you come up on these bastards.

And they were working pretty fast, what with the nails through my wrists and that, and my adrenaline was pumping.

And as I were coming up on the acid, I could hear a Toyota corolla going down Manningham Lane, ooha ooha

And further in the distance, I could see Judas had got a bit depressed and hung himself with his Chelsea scarf, and I thought aww.

And the angels brought out the knives of righteousness, and the blowtorch of holiness and the cannabis of forgiveness.

And they administered a last few holy hotknives up my nose.

And I breathed up the smoke and I breathed it in, and I was absolved of all sin.

And I came up on the acid and I thought ‘death? Fuck it. As long as the music’s good, I don’t give a shit.’


And the angels sang, in the most loud and angelic way possible, and it sounded almost as if everyone joined in, hopefully, hopefully, last chorus, the angels sang…

Hot knives are good for you.

Hot knives are good for you.

Hot knives are good for you.

Hot knives are good for you.


Prologue

That was beautiful. What time does the medication trolley come round? About 8 o’clock? Usual then yeah?

Audience: Get administered to you by Jesus

Yeah, I was Jesus’s bodyguard on ward 4. That’s not even a lie.


9. I Skanked Me Nanna

***Listen here – 09:13**


Intro

Alright then, I must say, I've got three Nana’s / ‘cos my mum had two marriages and two of my Nana's are dead / so when I go to the afterlife, I'm going to get the fucking shit kicked out of me.

And Johnny Cash is gonna kick shit out of me and Bob Marley ‘cause I nicked his riff for this.

How'd you get shit kicked out of you by Johnny Cash, Bob Marley and your Nana? It’s gonna hurt innit, your Nana’s gonna be holdin’ your ears like that, Johnny Cash would be kicking you in the balls.


Song

I skanked me Nana, but I did not skank my anti Lilian

She’s one in a million

I could never dream of skanking my anti Lilian

[Louder] I skanked me Nana, [quitter] but I did not skank my anti Lilian, she’s a nice old lady, she used to drive a fire engine during the war.

Me Nana, she gave us 30 quid, she said “why don’t you fuck off up to Thornton Edge and get us a quarter ounce of squidge black our kid. Get us a quarter ounce of squidge black and come straight back.” She said “I need it for my arthritis and that.”

So I said Nana, why do I always have to score for you?

She said “because I fought 17 world wars for you”.

I said “Hang on a minute, I did history at school, there was only 2”.

She said “no there weren’t dickhead, there was another 15 world wars in Eccelston that never got in the fucking papers. I’m telling ya.. Fucking Japanese tried to invade idle working mens club / I had to beat them off until they were exhausted.

I was like.. / Alright Nana.. / I don’t wanna hear that Nana, I’ll just go get your weed alright..

So I fucked off up to Thornton Edge to this guy that I knew. I went straight in and I got a quarter, I didn’t even fill a pipe. I just said it’s for my Nana, I’ve got to go.. he said well just stay for a cup of tea.. I said nah I’ve got to go... he said mate my neighbors will be watching... I said fuck your neighbors it’s me Nana’s ganja, I’ve got to go…

And so I came out of the flats... with a quarter of squidgy black…

But across the road, was a car parked up with blacked out windows, it looked like a Toyota Corolla and one of the windows were rolled down.

And a voice came from inside and it were our Dean…

And he said alright Chris, have you got any draw on you, and I said no, and he said yes you fucking have, what have you been doing in the flats if you haven’t been scoring?

And I said well I have scored a bit, but me Nana… he said never fucking mind your Nana... [serious face] Get in the fucking car... we need a bastard smoke... we’ve been smoking rocks, we’re all fucking uptight and we need to calm down a bit.

So I got into the car, then I noticed it was a pretty full Toyota Corolla

There was our Dean, our Rupert and our Johnny

There was our Ben, there was our Iffty and our Taz

There was our Shwepp, there was our Denise and our Valley

There was our Bruhinder, there was our Denise and our Denise and our Denise and our Denise and her sister Sarah Denise and her sister Mary Denise, not right imaginative in our family when it comes to girls’ names.

And we all sat in the car. . .

And I rolled a couple of spliffs to take the edge off living in Bradford.

And because there were so many of us it didn’t go that far, so I rolled a couple more to take the edge off there being so many of us in the car.

And then I filled a couple of pipes to take the edge off being in Eccles Hill at all.

And then I filled another couple of pipes to take the edge off having to wear glasses and looking like a white version of Howard from the Halifax advert.

That shouldn’t have got so much applause. Was a bit hurtful. Dropped myself in it thought didn’t I.

Then we filled another couple of pipes while we were sat in the car. And our Dean were listening to Kelise and Kelise were singing,

She sang “My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, damn right it’s better than yours, I could teach you, but I’d have to charge.”

I do love Kelise, but I wish she'd stop ringing me up. She can’t fucking accept that it’s all over between me and her, I’ve moved on.

Me and Missy Elliot are together now. I love a girl in a puffer jacket me. Someone who’s not afraid to wear men’s boots, know what I’m saying?

Anyway, so after smoking loads of me nana’s ganja, I said to our Dean “will you give us a lift back to Raven’s Cliff to give my nana a spliff?”

And he said; “no fucking way, dickhead, [long pause] I don’t think you noticed when you got in the car, but it’s up on fucking bricks, we had our wheels nicked couple of weeks ago.

And I thought shit [slaps forehead].

I had to walk all the way back to Raven’s Cliff, and it were fucking raining as I was walking past Eccles Hill swimming baths.

And I thought fuck this I’m going to have to roll myself a spliff to take the edge off what my Nana’s going to do to me when she realises I’ve smoked all the ganja.

And so I had to fill up another couple of pipes, but that just gave me the fear. I thought shit, I wish I had some fucking diazepane on me, me mates just come back form Thailand, I’ll ring her up and see if she’s got any 10 milligram ones, them blue ones, but she were out and it was like shit, I’ve really got the fear now.

And I got back to me nana’s and me Nana said “where the fuckin hell have you been.” And me Nana was acting really strange that day, she had a black and white war film on the telly and the prodigy on at fuckin 50,000 gigger watts, what’s she doing? “Nana you didn’t find a big bag of tablets in my bedroom did you?”

She said never mind that dickhead. You’re fucking stoned, you’ve been smoking my weed.

I said how’d you know I’m stoned?

She said well your eyes are bright red and you went straight for the biscuits. You’ve had 15 rocky robins and you’ve only just got into the house. For fucks sake, you fat bastard. No wonder you look Howard out of fucking Halifax advert.

And then she said; “Where’s that funking ganja then.”

And I said; “Well, what it is right, I missed my bus. . .”

And she said; “There is no fucking bus, between Thorpe Edge and Raven’s Cliff. And to be honest there’s someone in the front room who wants to have a word with you, and I went in the front room and my Uncle Raymond was sat there with a baseball bat.


And he said I drove round fucking Thorpe Edge earlier and I saw you in a fucking car, that was up on bricks, smoking ganja, with your Dean, and your Rupert and your Johnny, and your Ben, and your Iffty and your Taz, and your Shwepp, and your Denise, and your Valley, and your Bruhinder, and your Denise, and your Denise and your Denise and your Denise. . .

And I said alright, chill out, chill out.

And me Nana said. . . Me Nana gets disability living allowance so she can afford these digital scales, and they’re accurate to a millionth of a gram, she made me put the ganja on the scales to humiliate me further. And it should have weighed about 7 grams, but did it fuck, it weighed 1.333333333 recurring grams, which is less than an eighth.

She wasn’t best pleased, so my Uncle Raymond grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and he made me put my hands on the kitchen table flat, and he battered the back of each hand with his baseball bat, and he mashed up me knuckles. He said; “that’ll stop you playing the guitar and thieving off your family you little fucker.”

And I thought ooaa that really hurt, and I had to walk all the way up to Bradford Royal Infirmary with mashed up knuckles and when I got there I got stuck in a que behind a kid with a pan on his head, I was starting to get MRSA in my mashed up knuckles and when I got to the front of the que it turned out that the kid with the pan on his head, the pan weren’t even stuck, it was just a three stripe Addidas pan, it was a fucking fashion pan, the bastard. And the nurse said how did you get your knuckles broken, and I said I walked into a door, she said no you fucking didn’t, you’ve been skanking your nana, I said how did you know that, she said it was on Look North. Christie from Thorpe Edge said it was you who had done it.

Last bit now, the moral of the whole song.

Don’t skank your Nana, after all it was your Nana who bought you some action man bubble bath even though you were 27. Thanks Nana.


10. Anti-Gravity Cats

***Listen here – 06:24**


If you get a piece of toast and it falls to the ground

It will always land butter side down

But if you get a domestic cat

And it falls to the street

It will always land, land upon its feet

Which makes me wonder what would happen if…

I gaffer taped a bit of buttered toast onto the back of a cat… and pegged it out of a tower block.


How would it know how to land?

How would it know how to land?

The cat would try to land upon it’s feet and yet the buttery toast upon it’s back would desperately try to land upon it’s buttery side.

How would it know how to land?

How would it know how to land?

The cat would try to land upon it’s feet and yet the buttery toast would be compelled by the laws of physics to land upon it’s buttery side.


So maybe it would spin forever?

Spinning approximately 18 inches above the ground

That’s where it would be found.


Cat’s with toast on their backs, anti-gravity cats.

Cat’s with toast on their backs, anti-gravity cats.

Cat’s with toast gaffer taped to their backs, turning them into anti-gravity cats.

Cat’s with toast on their backs, anti-gravity cats.


It wouldn’t work with labradors, fat bastards.

It wouldn’t work with labradors, fat bastards.

They’d eat each other’s toast, they’d eat each other’s toast,

Fat fucking bastards, you can’t leave any fucking food, any fucking near them.


But you could use the scabbiest cat’s in the world, not the nice fluffy pet ones, with nice collars.

You could use the shit ones that didn’t cost no dollars, the ones you find in flats that’ve been eating the faces of dead old ladies.

The scabby cats, scabby cats, scabby cats, scabby cats.

You could use the scabby cats, scabby cats, scabby cats, scabby cats.


You wouldn’t even need to use expensive bread, you could use the cheapest happy shopper bread

You’re not going to eat it; it’s just going to get gaffer tapped behind the back of their head

And you could use the cheapest butter in the world, or the cheapest you could find


But it wouldn’t work with margarine, you know that yeah? Buttered toast falls butter side down, but margarine, that don’t work, and do you know why margarine don’t work? It’s only two molecules away from plastic that’s why, that yellow paint, you shouldn’t be putting that shit on your fucking bread man, I’ll tell you why…


Because margarine, is the devil’s spunk

Because margarine, is the devil’s spunk


You don’t want the devil’s jizz on your toast, that’s not the thing you want the most. With his little horny hands all over your toast, you don’t want that shit, you want to just use butter.

And then you can just use the scabbiest cats, throw them out of tower blocks, with toast on their backs, as they fall down to the ground and they start to spin round and fucking round, use them as a turbine.

You could use them as a turbine.

You could power up half the iphones in Swindon, off a tortoise shelled cat, with toast on it’s back.

If you got every scabby cat that no one loves and you threw it out of a window with toast on it’s back, you could soon replace fossil feuls and nuclear power.

I estimate we could do it in an hour.

All we need is some buttered fucking toast, some gaffer tape and cats and then throw them out of the windows, weight until they dropped, attach electrodes as they spin and then begin to harvest energy from the cat turbines.

I don’t know how to get out of this song now, it started out as such a good idea and yeah yeah meow meow, I had two grams of meow meow the other night, fucking shit, but on Thursday, I had two grams of woof woof, much better, aww I’m telling you, I chewed threw a number of toys.

Shit that was the end that.


11. I'm In An Anarchist Squat Punk Band

***Listen here – 02:20**


I’m in an anarchist squat-punk band.

I’m in an anarchist squat-punk band.

I’m in an anarchist squat-punk band.

Drive around in a knackered old van.


I’m in an anarchist squat-punk band.

I’m in an anarchist squat-punk band.

I’m in an anarchist squat-punk band.

Drive around in a knackered old van.


We always have a ska bit in our songs.

We always have a ska bit in our songs.

It’s the bit where ‘drummer gets a rest.

If we don’t let him, he gets depressed.

It’s the only time he gets to change his vest.

And we play on the off-beat to show our solidarity with the oppressed.


I’m in an anarchist squat-punk band.

I’m in an anarchist squat-punk band.

I’m in an anarchist squat-punk band.

Drive around in a knackered old van.


Our carbon footprint is bigger than NASA.

But we are always wishing our van would go faster.


We went to liberate the beagles from the laboratory.

Set the beagles free.

We went to liberate the beagles from the laboratory.

Set the beagles free.


We took them home in the back of our van.

72 newly released beagles in a van, to our squat in Nottingham.

But there was one thing that we had not realised.

The beagles had been smoking cigarettes all of their lives.

The beagles they were gasping, desperate for a fag.

They were fucking gasping and they really needed a cig.


The beagles needed Regals.

The beagles needed Regals.

The beagles needed Regals.

The beagles needed Regals.


The beagles needed Regals and we just didn’t know.

All we had at home was shitty herbal rolling tobacco-oh-ho, oh no-ah-ho.

They bit us on our ankles and they bit us on our knees.

Bit us on our elbows and they gave us a disease.

A disease from inside laboratories.

A disease from inside laboratories.

A disease from inside laboratories.


I’m in an anarchist squat-punk band

I’m in an anarchist squat-punk band

I’m in an anarchist squat-punk band

I’ll never release any beagles again.


12. Bob the Amazing Sheepdog

***Listen here – 05:17**


Bob the amazing, bob the amazing sheepdog

Bob the amazing, bob the amazing sheepdog

He could do things, other sheepdogs could not do

He could do things, he was good with a pool cue


Bob the amazing, bob the amazing sheepdog

Bob the amazing, bob the amazing sheepdog

He could do things, other sheepdogs could not do

He could do things, he was good with a pool cue


He was a pool shark sheepdog, he went into pubs and pretended to be shit at pool.

And then he played the locals, he got them into thinking he was shit.

And because he was a dog, they easily believed he was crap

Because he didn’t have any thumbs, so he wasn’t very good at holding the cue or at least that’s what he made them think.


Bob the amazing, bob the genius sheepdog

He was an amazing, he was a pool shark sheepdog

He could do things, he could do predictive text

He could do things, other sheepdogs could not do


On a Wednesday, he was playing the farmers in a pub in Skipton.

He let them win a few frames, he let them win a lot of games,

He made them think, that he was shite.

Then he suggested, putting £20 quid on the last frame.


And the farmers laughed to see such fun.

A foolish border collie, so easily to be parted from his 20 pounds.

And Bob let them put their money down on the side of the table.

He let him pot a couple of yellows.

But then Bob, he took control of the game.

He 8 balled them, and then he potted the black.

He took the 40 quid and he fucked off out the back.


Bob the amazing, bob the amazing sheepdog

He was an amazing, he was a genius sheepdog


When he got home, he went a bit mental

He went a bit chicken oriental, radio rental

He got his 40 quid and he invested it in crack

As a dog he swapped it out the back

It made him laugh to see such fun


And then the farmer came home the next day

And he found a note on the kitchen table

In very scratchy looking paw writing

It looked like the writing of a border collie


And the note was from bob and it said…

Dear farmer, I’m too amazing for you

Too amazing, you’ve taught me too much stuff

It’s like lawnmower man, explained bob

You’ve taught me too much stuff and now I’m too clever for you and I’ve left you behind

And by the end of the note you will find, that I took your range rover…

I took it over

I took your bank card, I know your passwords to everything

Even your Netflix, even your Netflix account

And now I’m shagging your wife, and now I’m shagging her leg, your wife’s leg is covered in sheepdog smeg


And the farmer was upset, he was filled with regret as he saw the note from Bob

He thought how disloyal, a man’s best friend has proved to be extremely disloyal

He’s driven off with my wife, he thought about ending his life.

He ended up watching a lot of day time tv everyday, the farmer he watched,

He watched daytime tv until he ended up in a phone box opposite the mosque, smoking rocks.


And then who came past, but Bob

In a range rover, with the farmers wife looking so happy and glamorous

It was one too many things for the farmer, he sank down to the floor

But as he passed out, there was something he heard in his mind

A catchy refrain, something evil that seeped into his brain


Bob the amazing, bob the amazing sheepdog

Bob the amazing, he was an amazing sheepdog

He could do things, other people could not do

He could do things, he was good with a pool cue


Bob the amazing, bob the amazing sheepdog

Bob the amazing, bob the amazing sheepdog

Bob the amazing, bob the amazing sheepdog

Bob the amazing, bob the amazing sheepdog


13. I Hate Babies

***Listen here – 05:29**


Intro

Alright I’m gonna do babies, but since it’s the last one of the night, I want proper sing backs and I want as vicious as you can possibly be.

So if I sing a line out to you, you gotta sing it back.

And if any of you don’t, I’ll find out where you live.

And I’ll get a housing benefit claim on your spare room.

And I’ll eat all your cashew nuts and I’ll say it was somebody else.

I’m prepared to go that far, I know it sounds evil, but I am evil.

That’s one of the curses of being evil, it’s the embarrassing bit when you realise you are evil.


Here we go then...


Song

I hate babies! I fucking hate babies!

I hate babies! I fucking hate babies!

If one of your mates, came round your house, sat next to your misses, got one of her tits out, started to suck on the end of her tit and piss himself and shit himself and throw up down her back, you’d smash his fucking face in.

You wouldn’t invite him round again.

You wouldn’t even let him in.

You wouldn’t give him anymore ketamine!

But babies get away with it because they’re cute.

But they’re just thieving bastards in a rompa suit.

They’ve stolen all my friends, no one goes out anymore.

Everyone’s sitting round on the front room floor…

Going aww, we’re more important now we’ve got a baby.

We’re at home, we’re doing a jigsaw now.


For fucks sake! You used to be my mate!

I could rely on you to drink heavily into the morning with me.

But now, you’ve all got babies, you bastards.


I hate babies! I fucking hate babies!

I hate babies! I fucking hate babies!

I hate babies! I’m fucking sick of babies!


Babies can make as much noise as they want, late at night, but not me.

People bang on me wall, people bang on me floor, they bang on me door.

They say shut up you fat, alcoholic, manic depressive, care in the community dickhead.

And I shout back, fuck off mum.


Babies lives are just perfect and easy, and everyone indulges them, even when they’re being dickheads.

No one ever tells them off, they just look after them the bastards, everything’s nice for them.

They spend their lives lying on a bed

Sucking on tits that are bigger than their head.

Now I’d like to do that with a bit more of my time, but because I’m not a baby, I’m not allowed that shit no more, it’s not fair.

If I go into Tesco’s, and shit myself and piss myself and start to cry again, I’ll just get sectioned again.

It’s not fair is it? It’s age discrimination, one law for babies and one law for me.


And they’re no use are they at all, come on now, everyone says kids are lovely, are they bollocks.

They’re little sacks of human excrement screaming over nothing.

Babies are worse than fucking smack heads, babies are worse than fucking smack heads.

At least a smack head will have the common curtsy to carry a lighter.

Babies can’t skin up or chop a line out, they never get a round in and pretty soon you’ll find out they’re boring little bastards until they can talk.

And I’ve got no time for them until they can walk.

And even then they can walk t’ corner shop and get me a twix, and shut the fuck up.


So I need to get out of this song, I want a sing back, I want a chorus at the top of your voices, so when I sing a line, I want you singing it back yeah?


I hate babies! I hate babies!

I fucking hate babies! I fucking hate babies!

I hate babies! I hate babies!

I’m fucking sick of babies! I’m fucking sick of babies!


You evil bastards, I filmed all that, that’s going to social services.

That’s it, thank you.


Volume 2 – Folk Songs

1. Travelling Free

***Listen here – 02:51**


Travelling, travelling, travelling free, travelling down the road

Travelling, travelling, travelling free, never do what we’ve been told

Travelling, travelling, travelling light, travelling through the night

Travelling, travelling, travelling light, and everything’s alright


Travelling, travelling, travelling free, anywhere we like

Travelling, travelling, travelling free, on our feet or on our bike

Travelling, travelling, travelling free, travelling down the road

Travelling, travelling, travelling free, never do what I’ve been told


2. Hustler’s Lament

***Listen here – 03:54**


I like drinking lots of whiskey, I like drinking lots of special brew

Because there’s a hole inside me and that hole is the size and shape of you


On a bad day it feels so hollow, feels so hollow you can see right through

Darling you knew things about me, no one else that I could tell them too


Knew you were a traveller, hoped that one day you might just return

Now I know that you’re never coming back, the lesson’s far too hard to learn


Took a piece of my soul with you and the hole it’s left it fucking burns


So I’ll keep drinking lots of whiskey and I’ll keep drinking lots of special brew

Because there’s a hole inside me and that hole is the size and shape of you


So I’ll keep drinking lots of whiskey and I’ll keep drinking lots of special brew

Because there’s a hole inside me and that hole is the size and shape of you


3. Into The Valley of The Timber Wolves

***Listen here – 04:41**


Intro

The story of how the Fat Panthers rescued Vagabondi the Wood Carver from the Timber Wolves


Song

Into the valley of the timber wolves

Road and injured traveller

A gunshot wound was in his leg

A horse was breathing harder

He slipped from the horse to the muddy ground below

And near the trees the wolves were howling


And through the trees he heard a sound that sounded like a fiddle


[Instrumental]


As he fell down to the ground, the wolves they did circle round

They were waiting for his life blood

He shouted out into the night and he was heard by the musicians in the pole top [tent]


[Instrumental]


Kruger O'Reilly came out of the caravan brandishing her shorn off shot gun

Christie O’Miran came out of the boat top brandishing his trusty banjo


[Instrumental]


Brave musicians frightened away the wolves and picked up the injured traveller

They took him to safety in their boat topped caravan

And fetched porcine out from the larder


[Instrumental]


Kruger O'Reilly she stitched up the wound after taking out the bullets

Christie O’Miran he fired up the bong and he gave their traveller blowbacks from it


[Instrumental]


As he recovered, the traveller could talk

He had done that before he had learned to walk

He'd learned the harmonica, he could play it so well

And so they all went on a tour

They toured all the land in the fair land and sea

They went on the land and the sea, they were free

They never stayed longer than 3 days anywhere

And they became the old fat panthers


[Instrumental]


4. Let The Sorrow Come

***Listen here – 03:43**


Tears are only there to clean your eyes

To help you realize, to help you realize

To help you realize what’s important in your life


I blamed myself for the death of my friend

Will the sorrow never end? Will the sorrow never end?


I blamed myself for the death of my friend


So I let the sorrow come, I let the sorrow come

I let the sorrow come and I let it’s work be done

And I let the sorrow go, I let the sorrow go

I let the sorrow go or it would drown me in it’s flow


If she was here now, I bet she’d say

She tried to take the sorrow away

She tried to take the sorrow away

That was always her way


So I let the sorrow come, I let the sorrow come

I let the sorrow come and I let it’s work be done

And I let the sorrow go, I let the sorrow go

I let the sorrow go or it would drown me in it’s flow.


My time is coming to a close

There is no bed of roses

There is no easy way

There is no good time to do anything or say


But I saw my lungs turn into blood

Let it be understood, such things they are no good

Such things they are no good when your lungs turn into blood.


So I let the sorrow come, I let the sorrow come

I let the sorrow come and I let it’s work be done

And I let the sorrow go, I let the sorrow go

I let the sorrow go or it would drown me in it’s flow.


But I found a goddess for my life

Every drink of water

Every bit of food

Every bit of smile

And every fucking tear


Tears are only there to clean your eyes

To help you realize, to help you realize

To help you realize what’s important in your life


5. Smugglers Bold

***Listen here – 02:49**


I was in the van with the Endy boys, on the way to Crossmaglen

And they told me tales of smugglers bold and of the smuggler men


And how the army took the smokeless truck and locked it safe away

Behind big walls and steel gates in the army base that day


But then one night, a bold young lad said I’m off to get the truck

And though they thought he could not succeed, they wished him best of luck


He took a small, a smaller truck and pressed it to the gate

He inched it forward gradually and bent the steel plates


He crawled beneath the bent steel gate into the army base

He found the truck that the army took and he drove it from that place


So fare thee well oh smugglers bold, I hope you all stay free

I hope you all have all the luck outrunning the army


So fare thee well oh smugglers bold, I hope you all stay free

Bringing contra band from over land and fuck the RUC


6. Out of Sight

***Listen here – 02:13**


Your trainers, they’re so box fresh

You look so cool, but look more closely at the mesh

Those stitches were put there by a child in Bangladesh


It’s out of sight, so that’s alright

It’s out of sight, so it’s out of mind

If it’s out of mind, then it’s out of sight

That makes it, that makes it alright, I think


That mobile phone in your pocket

Little device that’s costing you a packet

Taking over your mind, it’s a big big racket


The ingredients that make that phone are minded by children under African skies

They don’t live long, most of them die

The sound of gunshots, is the sound they’re familiar with

But it gets the ingredients for the iphone fucking 6


But it’s out of sight, so that’s alright

It’s happening elsewhere, I’ll never be over there

I’ve got my trainers on and I’m texting me mates

And I’m here in the west, where life is fucking great


It’s out of sight, it’s out of mind

Doesn’t even matter how cruel or necessarily unkind

As long as I’m the one-eyed man in the kingdom of the blind

Everything’s fine, I’ll just close that eye


Volume 3 – Instrumentals

1. Riff for Paco

***Listen here – 03:17**

“An old riff o mine which came after bein shown a partial capo by CLive, this guitar man up in hebden years ago.. you can tell I was on bass before guitar .. I love this lil riff, it doesn’t have any words n first time playin it on electric. TECHNO SKIFFLE riff wiv new intro”

Dedicated to Paco in remembrance.


2. Say Farewell

***Listen here – 03:58**


3. Demented Pixie Music

***Listen here – 03:50**


4. Manchego

***Listen here – 04:38**


5. Five Pound Junkie Shades

***Listen here – 03:14**


6. Walking Through Morecambe

***Listen here – 03:07**


7. Banjoy Division

***Listen here – 04:18**


8. Molly’s Song

***Listen here – 04:09**


9. Into The Valley Of The Timberwolves

***Listen here – 03:39**

See version with lyrics on vol.2 track 3


10. All The Kings Are Gone

***Listen here – 03:15**


11. Lying To Your Mum

***Listen here – 03:53**


12. Coming Down Slow

***Listen here – 04:00**


Volume 4 – Bonus CD - Stand Up, Sketches & Stories

1. Soundchecks & Singbacks

***Listen here – 02:30**

Soundchecks are fucking ace, especially when it’s a drum soundcheck and it goes snare, snare, snare, for 10 minutes. I love that bit, that’s my favorite bit of the gig.

My backing band couldn’t be with me tonight because of not existing.

And I did try to get them to come, but they were only in my mind.

But, there has been a lot of problems, I did nearly split up on the way here.

That’s not funny mate, you don’t know the stress I’m under, I nearly split up just before the gig.

Fucking nightmare.

No I didn’t.

You what?

Am I fucking saying I’m gonna split up?

Yeah I fucking am what am I gonna do about it?

Am I fucking looking at me?

I’ll fucking knock myself out in a minute, fat cunt.

Shit, hang on sorry, I’m just glad that none of this actually comes out of me mouth.

Imagine if everyone could hear your internal monologue…

Do you want them women to come and introduce me, because it’s pretty pointless now, should I just get on with it?

People of Blackpool, this fucking festival is like the football match in the middle of the 1st world war.

Loads of people who could be killing each other, just having a rest from all that, I like to see that.

And this is the time, I don’t want to see you sat down, it’s Saturday afternoon you lazy fuckers.

Can we have a bit of like we mean it? Can we have a bit of like we mean it vibes?

Now these are the rules, it’s very, very simple. Anyone in here, who doesn’t sing along to the sing-a-longy bits, I’ll find out where you live.

And I’ll get a housing benefit claim on your spare room.

And I’ll eat all your cashew nuts and I’ll say it was somebody else.

I’m prepared to go that far, I know it sounds evil, but it is evil because you know I am evil.

That’s one of the curses of being evil, it’s the embarrassing bit when you realise you are evil.


2. Day 3604 In The Big Tory Workhouse

***Listen here – 00:47**


Day 3064 in the big Tory workhouse.

Tiny Tim has been found fit for work, despite dying on Wednesday of cholera.

His mother has been punished for his non-attendance by having to give her kidney to her local Tory MP who needed it for one of his dogs.

Meanwhile Michael has gone to the Diary Room, only to find out that Diary resources have been drastically cut and the room has been re-imagined as a mincing machine, which he fell into and then was made into burgers, which were sold to make more money for his Tory overlords.


3. Steward Skit

***Listen here – 02:21**


Uh excuse me, excuse me, uh excuse me, uh fella, uh could I have a quick word.

Uh I can see that you've just finished putting your tent up, I can see that, but could you move it please because this is a designated area which i don't want you to put your tent uh it's been designated by me and you had an email about it about a year after the festival i think if you check your emails in a year's time you'll find that uh that you'll get an email a year from today which will clearly state that you can't put your tent there because i'm... i'm...

i don't make, well i do make the rules at the moment, but uh you know i'm going to pretend somebody else does. No i'm sorry you can't you can't put your tent, i know you've just put your tent up and put all your things inside it and i can see that that's upsetting you but we won't tolerate bad language because this is after all a festival.

A festival, a free expression of, of um creativity and uh i like it to follow the rules, uh spontaneity is all very well but spontaneity needs to be finished by uh one one minute past midnight otherwise the council will take away our license.


4. Salt-N-Pepa Push It Parody

***Listen here – 00:57**

Oh baby, baby, give it a right good push.


5. Electric Distortion

***Listen here – 01:31**

A psychedelic dance track.


6. Riley In A Can

***Listen here – 09:48**

Years ago I played double bass in this band called ‘The Little Wooden Buddhas’. It was me, this genius piano dude called Octavius handspan and a pure crazy drummer called Adam veeb o phagus. We did improv tunes around simple bass lines as I had only just got a double bass..

Octavius had a grand piano in a tiny council flat woodhouse in leeds, I’d been walking past with a double bass and his drummer Adam shouted out the window cos he saw the bass, but then when I realised it was adam, me and him had been in a pixies / breeders / elastica type band with each other years before so I just went in and joined the band straight away.

I listen to old minidiscs of the little wooden buddhas a lot. ”


5. The Light Side Of Psychosis

***Listen here – 03:47**


Intro

We used t stay in neighbours house wen me mum was at work, n they customised bikes n trikes.. I used t see em Avin a cig but it was well different to me mums bensons or regals.. it were like they made their cigs from scratch wi three bits o paper.. n burnin lumps o stuff n crumbling

… n I used t feel sorry for em cos they must o been skint cos they all shared one cig?!

Was always dead hungry wen we went home


Story

When I was about 24, I was having a bit of a bad do, these lads tried to kill me and my brother, blah, blah, blah.

I’d been awake for a few nights, I’d lost my house. And everything was going a bit shite, so I ate this big lump of hash thinking this’ll get me to bed, aha, silly cunt.

And then I had a seizure in my girlfriend’s bed, not knowing what a seizure was because it was the first one I’d ever had, I was that sleep deprived and I was very frightened as well, so I had loads of adrenaline in my head.

And in my tripping sort of state, I went downstairs naked, covered in piss.

And I’m saying to our James; Shamus, listen to me man.

And he’s like; what are you doing with no clothes on you cunt?

And I’m like; Shamus, listen. I’ve died.

And I was convinced that I’d died in this seizure. And what I’d been experiencing in the convulsions was my soul leaving my body, so I was actually totally convinced that I was dead because I was in the middle of a cannabis psychosis, not realising after eating a massive lump of hash. Silly bastard.

So my brother’s going; you haven’t died.

And my girlfriend and my mates are going; you haven’t fucking died mate. You’re naked, you’re being a bit annoying, but you’re certainly not dead.

And I was getting really annoyed, because I’m thinking why aren’t they listening to me, why are they denying the most spiritual experience I’ve ever had? I died up their in that fucking bed you cunts!

He said; yeah we could hear fucking something was going on, we thought you were having a wank or something.

And I was like; I died!

And they wouldn’t have it, and then because I got so irate with my poor brother, the poor bastard, him putting up with me, I fucking had another seizure.

But everybody saw me then having a fit, so they did what you’d imagine would be sensible, they got an ambulance.

So I’ve come round from the second fit, in the ambulance, still convinced that I’ve died.

So I’m thinking they’re wasting NHS resources, they could help somebody else.

So I’m shouting to the driver; mate, I’ve died, you’re wasting petrol.

Don’t take me to BRI, take me to Ecleshill cemetery where I used to huff the glue and I’ll be alright.

And I’ll be a ghosty and I can huff ghosty glue and it’ll all be fine.

And my poor brother was in the ambulance with me and I’m saying to him: James look, you’ll have to ring mum and tell her I’ve died.

And he was like trying to hold me still.

And it’s shameful to admit, but I kind of got a big fighty, a bit fighty with the ambulance guys.

Which you should never do, because fuck me they actually save lives man.

And I was more fighty with my brother, but we did fight a lot as brothers anyway.

So they ended up strapping me to this ambulance, fucking stretchy thing.

And I’m there in Bradford Royal Infirmary, I’m there in A&E, strapped to a stretcher and I’m shouting at all the pissheads going; will you show a bit of respect for the dead! I fucking died earlier you cunts! I fucking died I’ll have you know!

Then they put me onto a heart monitor, because they’re obviously thinking what is going on with this mad cunt?

And after a bit of calming down I had another fit, and the little things came off my chest didn’t they, so the machine went ooooooooooo. Not because I had died, but because they came off my chest.

But me, I saw that and I’m saying to the nurses; I fucking told you, I fucking told you cunts, I fucking died.

Why is no one listening to me today? I fucking died at tea time and you’re still fucking me about with this fucking heart monitor.

Can I not just get a taxi to go to the pub now I’m a ghosty?

And anyway as you might imagine I ended up in a mental hospital.


6. The Story of Captain Hotknives

***Listen here – 10:00**


Ay up, right, so this is the story of Captain Hotknives. It's how I got the name, it's where the songs came from in the beginning and why I started doing it in public as a thing, right?

So, I'm doing this for Eddie, out of the Nils in Dublin, because he interviewed me once outside Emit’s bar in Balina.

'Went great good, I've never really been interviewed for obvious reasons, involving fucking ticks and what-have-you, I’m probably a bit of a nightmare to interview.

But like he interviewed us, recorded it into this zoom thing, happy days! But then the card or something didn’t work so it all got lost.

But he was the only person who ever asked me the good questions and it did make me think how the fucking did I get started, etc.

So, I’m gonna try and explain it, all right then, so the name Captain Hotknives - I wasn't gonna call myself anything, it always seems pretentious having a ‘band name’, but if you're gonna perform on stage, you need a fucking name. And me own name Christopher, bit on the boring side, you know. ‘And now, live on stage, Christopher!’ Do you know what I mean? It's not really up there with the good rock and roll names is it? Like Chuck Berry.

Anyway so I got this nickname years before I did any fucking gigs, what it was, I used to go to this guy's house to get a draw. And me and my mate Rachel, we used to go in to town busking, soon as we had enough money to get a team for an eighth, we'd go over somebody’s house and buy it.

And we used to annoy the fuck out of all the dealers because we turned up with like loads of 20p’s and 10p’s, and be like that dumps coins aha, £14.10, £14.11, and you know the guy would be like for fucking sake, just bring some fucking bank notes, and we’d be like we’ve been busking man.

So we were busking to get a smoke and this one day we went to this guy’s house in Bradford, got this 8th. And all Bradford hours used to have these gas fires, all the shit houses anyway, housing benefit shit holes, these gas fires with these tiley bits.

So I chopped out a whole eighth into blims. And me and Rachel got the knives out of the guitar case, we hot knifed the whole eighth between us, but that was like standard behaviour to us.

And then off we fucked to get more money, to come back and get another eighth and annoy the cunt again, with loads of change.

And just as I was leaving in the door, the fella says “you’re a right fucking captain hotknives you are, aren’t you?” And I thought well I'm not the captain of it pal, I got shown it by Scottish people, Scottish people are fuck loads harder than English people and they showed me the hot knives back in the late 80s, so I was never the captain of it.

But I've got this guy calling me captain hotknives, forgot it instantly, went outside, went back to theiving and getting money. So anyway, never thought about it again, captain fucking hotknives.

But I did have a song for years called ‘hot knives are good for you’ and it was made up for my friend Rachel, now Rachel was my partner in crime for a while, like we met through busking on dally street in Bradford.

Anyway, so we were both a bit mad like, we used to go all day getting money to get a smoke, and all-night smoking it, chatting, fucking being giddy and could never sleep.

We used to go see all the horses that were tied up at the bottom of the estates, like bottom of Elmwood. We used to go take them carrots and things like that, I used to feel like I were one of them horses, you know with a chain around it's fucking neck, can only go in a little circle, because that’s what it’s like living in Bradford on fucking dole money.

So anyways, she and me, me and Rachel, I was a base player, I was in a band and I was never wanting to front a band, I'm not a singer, I can’t shut up, but I don’t necessarily talk a lot of sense, so I never got given a mic in any band that I played bass and I'd rather play a bass to be honest, it’s my first love, getting them fingers walking on the strings.

But see, I used to make silly songs up, just for me and Rachel in the nights, at me old gaff, and I used to call my old house the hot knife research station. And we'd meet random nutters all the time, but anyone who come in the house I'd make them have a few hot knives, because I'll tell you what, you know, if they were fucking plainclothes or something, it’d be fucking hilarious, you know giving them some hotknives, but luckily everyone was sound who came round, ish, Bradford it's a wide term soundness.

So I used to make these songs for Rachel anyway and years down the line, sadly Rachel went on to the next world in bad circumstances. And after that, because I never had the front, she always used to tell me “you should do those silly songs as a gig, you should sing ‘hot knives are good for you’ in the pub!”

And I said “Rachel, nobody in their right mind will want a seven minute fucking story about Jesus Mary and Joseph doing hot knives in the desert, except you, our Ben, our Dean, Alan, do you know, the people we knew might like it because I could sing it to them and I could see they liked it and that worked and I knew it was all right. But doing it in a pub, fuck off, no way was I gonna sing a captain hotknives song in a pub, and I weren’t even ‘captain hotknives’ yet. I was just me Christopher.

But you see after Rachel went, I had a word with myself and I thought the only thing that stopped me doing Captain Hotknives songs, which is what they've become, is fear, I was afraid to go in a pub and just do a rambling story, like because you can do that in a front room with a few mates, because they’re your mates, they're not gonna kick your head in, they’ll probably laugh and if they don't laugh, at least you can see by their eyes, they’re fucking bored and you just stop, do you get me? Whereas in a pub, it’s full of fucking random strangers, they could be complete psychos, you don’t know what singing to them might entail. It’s bad enough being a bass player, I've seen mad enough fucking shit from being on stage all my days.

So for one thing or another, I wasn't in a rush to sing my songs that I thought were for Rachel, I wasn’t in a rush to sing them out to the public in bigger numbers. But see, when I was grieving over the loss of my friend, I thought she did tell me to do this and I never fucking did it, I never listened to her, well I did listen, but I was just too scared to do it and I thought well what am I afraid of now? And you know what I kind of wanted somebody to kill me because somebody had killed my friend and I thought fuck this life.

So I just started going into open mic nights and singing ‘hot knives are good for you’ or ‘I skanked my nana’ which were just old little ideas from sitting there with Rachel in my front room all them years ago and me mate Boris. People I knew like donkey's years ago will know them songs because that's where they came from.

But like it took a lot of years afterwards, it was about maybe 17 years since this guy called me captain hotknives, so started actually getting gigs, from turning up at parties, people started booking me to play in pubs. So then I needed a name for obvious reasons, you can't go under your own fucking name can you? Especially when it's as boring as fucking mine.

So, cuz I had that song ‘hot knifes are good for you’. that’s why I thought ah! I remembered that fella said to me “you’re a right fucking captain hotknives you are aren’t you you cunt,” I was like well I do like the hot knives it is true, ever since I got shown it, favorite method, most economical, biggest hit off smallest amount, proper poverty method, shown it by Scottish people that I was in a band with.

So that is the root of all of Captain Hotknives, how it all started, started playing in pubs and if you've ever heard the song hustlers lament, the sad tune with a banjo, that is about Rachel because her surname was hustler and the lament is that she's gone on to the next world. I'm not religious, but you know what it is, you get brought up with certain patterns.

Alright so, long-winded, but that's why I'm called captain hotknives, that’s where the first old songs came from and it was after my friend passing away that I thought I'm gonna do this in pubs. And I kind of wanted people to kill me, I've gone in pubs full of hard knocks and pure fucking song me heart out, I've sung anti-racist lyrics to people who are fucking racist, I’ve took me chances, I'm amazed nobody's killed me yet, but you know early days, I’ve only been at it 15 years.

So that's the story of Captain Hotknives, and how it all started, so it's going out to Rachel in the next world, love you Rachel, you were right, people do like it and it has been a good ride.

Take it easy everybody, massive love from Bradford.


Notes from the editor

1. Call out for a collective writing project

A comedy song telling the story of Chris’s (Captain Hotknives) first descent into psychosis was sung one fateful night at The Secret Garden Party festival in a style similar to The Doors, but sadly it has been all but forgotten.

Do you fancy yourself a writer or comedian and have suggestions for rewriting the song or can share with someone who is? Or by 1 in a billion chance were you one of the people who heard it or know someone who did and can get them to remember?

Chris’s songs over the last 20 years or more have been a reminder to find the comic absurdity in many aspects of our society and the campaigns to change it for the better. Reminding us that in being able to laugh at ourselves, we can then feel freer to experiment and enjoy a culture with more complex forms of expression being understood.

He’s gone from risking his own skin walking into dodgy far-right pubs to sing songs making fun of racism, to writing songs making light of the head spinning speed in the 90s in which someone could go from leafleting against fox hunting to being asked to help liberate beagles from a laboratory. He’s poked fun at the history of land ownership and past along tales of drug smugglers robbing their van back from the RUC.

So if a talented songwriter could find a way to work into the lyrics what his future would hold after this fateful event, I think it could go a long way towards a fitting tribute.

Finally feel free to go away and produce something totally unique and contact me at theosladework@gmail.com with what you’ve come up with or you can comment your lyrics suggestions directly on the google doc on me website so you can see what other people have contributed:

Simply search ‘call out for a collective song writing tribute to Captain Hotknives’ to find the post which will lead you to the google doc.


2. Comedy song analysis

I Skanked Me Nana
Intro

Alright then, I must say, I've got three Nana’s / ‘cos my mum had two marriages and two of my Nana's are dead / so when I go to the afterlife, I'm going to get the fucking shit kicked out of me.[1]

And Johnny Cash is gonna kick shit out of me and Bob Marley ‘cause I nicked his riff for this.

How'd you get shit kicked out of you by Johnny Cash, Bob Marley and your Nanas? It’s gonna hurt innit, your Nana’s gonna be holdin’ your ears like that, Johnny Cash would be kicking you in the balls. I dno [painful pause] .[2]


Song

I skanked me Nana, but I did not skank my anti Lilian

She’s one in a million

I could never dream of skanking my anti Lilian[3]

[Louder] I skanked me Nana, [quitter] but I did not skank my anti Lilian, she’s a nice old lady, she used to drive a fire engine during the war.[4]

Me Nana, she gave us 30 quid, she said “why don’t you fuck off up to Thornton Edge and get us a quarter ounce of squidge black our kid. Get us a quarter ounce of squidge black and come straight back.” She said “I need it for my arthritis and that.”

So I said Nana, why do I always have to score for you?

She said “because I fought 17 world wars for you”.[5]

I said “Hang on a minute, I did history at school, there was only 2”.

She said “no there weren’t dickhead, there was another 15 world wars in Eccelston that never got in the fucking papers. I’m telling ya.. Fucking Japanese tried to invade idle working mens club / I had to beat them off until they were exhausted.

I was like.. / Alright Nana.. / I don’t wanna hear that Nana, I’ll just go get your weed alright..[6]

So I fucked off up to Thornton Edge to this guy that I knew. I went straight in and I got a quarter, I didn’t even fill a pipe. I just said it’s for my Nana, I’ve got to go.. he said well just stay for a cup of tea.. I said nah I’ve got to go... he said mate my neighbors will be watching... I said fuck your neighbors it’s me Nana’s ganja, I’ve got to go…[7]

And so I came out of the flats... with a quarter of squidgy black…

But across the road, was a car parked up with blacked out windows, it looked like a Toyota Karola and one of the windows were rolled down.[8]

And a voice came from inside and it were our Dean…

And he said alright Chris, have you got any draw on you, and I said no, and he said yes you fucking have, what have you been doing in the flats if you haven’t been scoring?[9]

And I said well I have scored a bit, but me Nana… he said never fucking mind your Nana... [serious face] Get in the fucking car... we need a bastard smoke... we’ve been smoking rocks, we’re all fucking uptight and we need to calm down a bit.[10]

So I got into the car, then I noticed it was a pretty full Toyota Corolla[11]

There was our Dean, our Rupert and our Johnny[12]

There was our Ben, there was our Iffty and our Taz

There was our Shwepp, there was our Denise and our Valley

There was our Bruhinder, there was our Denise and our Denise and our Denise and our Denise and her sister Sarah Denise and her sister Mary Denise, not right imaginative in our family when it comes to girls’ names.[13]

And we all sat in the car. . .

And I rolled a couple of spliffs to take the edge off living in Bradford.

And because there were so many of us it didn’t go that far, so I rolled a couple more to take the edge off there being so many of us in the car.

And then I filled a couple of pipes to take the edge off being in Eccles Hill at all.

And then I filled another couple of pipes to take the edge off having to wear glasses and looking like a white version of Howard from the Halifax advert.

That shouldn’t have got so much applause. Was a bit hurtful. Dropped myself in it thought didn’t I.[14]

Then we filled another couple of pipes while we were sat in the car. And our Dean were listening to Kelise and Kelise were singing,

She sang “My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, damn right it’s better than yours, I could teach you, but I’d have to charge.”[15]

I do love Kelise, but I wish she'd stop ringing me up. She can’t fucking accept that it’s all over between me and her, I’ve moved on.

Me and Missy Elliot are together now. I love a girl in a puffer jacket me. Someone who’s not afraid to wear men’s boots, know what I’m saying?[16]

Anyway, so after smoking loads of me nana’s ganja, I said to our Dean “will you give us a lift back to Raven’s Cliff to give my nana a spliff?”

And he said; “no fucking way, dickhead, [long pause] I don’t think you noticed when you got in the car, but it’s up on fucking bricks, we had our wheels nicked couple of weeks ago.[17]

And I thought shit [slaps forehead] .

I had to walk all the way back to Raven’s Cliff, and it were fucking raining as I was walking past Eccles Hill swimming baths.

And I thought fuck this I’m going to have to roll myself a spliff to take the edge off what my Nana’s going to do to me when she realises I’ve smoked all the ganja.

And so I had to fill up another couple of pipes, but that just gave me the fear. I thought shit, I wish I had some fucking diazepane on me, me mates just come back form Thailand, I’ll ring her up and see if she’s got any 10 milligram ones, them blue ones, but she were out and it was like shit, I’ve really got the fear now.

And I got back to me nana’s and me Nana said “where the fuckin hell have you been.” And me Nana was acting really strange that day, she had a black and white war film on the telly and the prodigy on at fuckin 50,000 gigger watts, what’s she doing? “Nana you didn’t find a big bag of tablets in my bedroom did you?”

She said never mind that dickhead. You’re fucking stoned, you’ve been smoking my weed.

I said how’d you know I’m stoned?

She said well your eyes are bright red and you went straight for the biscuits. You’ve had 15 rocky robins and you’ve only just got into the house. For fucks sake, you fat bastard. No wonder you look like Howard out of fucking Halifax advert.

And then she said; “Where’s that funking ganja then.”

And I said; “Well, what it is right, I missed my bus. . .”

And she said; “There is no fucking bus, between Thorpe Edge and Raven’s Cliff. And to be honest there’s someone in the front room who wants to have a word with you, and I went in the front room and my Uncle Raymond was sat there with a baseball bat.

And he said I drove round fucking Thorpe Edge earlier and I saw you in a fucking car, that was up on bricks, smoking ganja, with your Dean, and your Rupert and your Johnny, and your Ben, and your Iffty and your Taz, and your Shwepp, and your Denise, and your Valley, and your Bruhinder, and your Denise, and your Denise and your Denise and your Denise. . .

And I said alright, chill out, chill out.

And me Nana said. . . Me Nana gets disability living allowance so she can afford these digital scales, and they’re accurate to a millionth of a gram, she made me put the ganja on the scales to humiliate me further. And it should have weighed about 7 grams, but did it fuck, it weighed 1.333333333 recurring grams, which is less than an eighth.

She wasn’t best pleased, so my Uncle Raymond grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and he made me put my hands on the kitchen table flat, and he battered the back of each hand with his baseball bat, and he mashed up me knuckles. He said; “that’ll stop you playing the guitar and thieving off your family you little fucker.”

And I thought ooaa that really hurt, and I had to walk all the way up to Bradford Royal Infirmary with mashed up knuckles and when I got there I got stuck in a que behind a kid with a pan on his head, I was starting to get MRSA in my mashed up knuckles and when I got to the front of the que it turned out that the kid with the pan on his head, the pan weren’t even stuck, it was just a three stripe Addidas pan, it was a fucking fashion pan, the bastard. And the nurse said how did you get your knuckles broken, and I said I walked into a door, she said no you fucking didn’t, you’ve been skanking your nana, I said how did you know that, she said it was on Look North. Christie from Thorpe Edge said it was you who had done it.

Last bit now, the moral of the whole song.

Don’t skank your Nana, after all it was your Nana who bought you some action man bubble bath even though you were 27. Thanks Nana.



The story behind various songs

Mushrooms Song

Chris: This is one of the oldest, oldest riffs that ever came out of my. Guitar for not much of. OK. A copier of things. I'm not very good at tucking things in and remembering them while remembering stuff on shutter, so I was on a lot of psychiatric meds for years and I got four memories very well and then I got ******* carbon monoxide poisoning. The ship gas, fire and. I've literally got holes in my brain. But this guitar riff came through all that with me and it was still in my fingers. But then I never got any words for it for years, but it's about when I used to live in Scotland and the 1st. Times that I ever, ever did what the song is about. So I'll sing it for the Scottish people and I love you up there.

Mark: Has the Captain ever looked at someone jogging past and wondered if the jogger is jogging on the spot and making the world spin round?

Chris: Yeah, I've done a lot worse, once I was in Edinburgh years ago and it was mushy season right and I've been picking mushies in the fields up near Sterling and Bridge Avala. And I had this *******.

And. In in the old days there was **** loads. Of mushies this. Is another reason. The only reason I'm interested in Environmental Protection is cause if we don't affect the environment, there's no mushies for me. I'm just a. Selfish ****. I'm not caring about the world when I or I'm. Just like please. Coming out of climate change cause I like mushies a lot.

But it's when you took handful of mushies and you know that bit in. Edinburgh, near the castley bit. And there's like these green, grassy bits where everyone sits in the summer. What you'd call them the pastures or summer or the Greens or the walks. I don't know, just below it in. The battle anywhere. So I'm laying on this bit of grass, but see how I was coming up. So I had on the mushies that I'd eaten. That it looked to. Me like I was lying on a really like vertical slope. And I was gonna fall off. It and I ended up hanging on to. The ground like ****. I'm gonna fall. I'm gonna take a slot and. I looked next to me and my. Guitar wasn't even moving. Because it wasn't on the slope. And when I sat up. I was on a flat bit of grass. I don't like that. I'm so mile and it was so awful I couldn't stick it in just cause the combination of neurological issues and massive amounts of psychedelic drugs I just sat in this boy on the royal. Mile, just like going. Look at everyone. This is amazing. Kind of touch your face. So I like him. Sort of the start and.

Then these two girls walked past and as. Luck would have it. They were from Bradford and then you. And they ******* it’s Chris. What are you doing? You look really off your head you sat in a doorway. What are you doing? And I'm like I love you. How are you doing? Why are You in Edinburgh. And they've gone up to that festival. I went there for that. Didn't even know it was on. And they took me to their flat and basically looked after me until I came down off the mushies. And I can't thank them enough, otherwise I'd still be on my boat now in the Royal Mile going look at everyone's face.

All aspects to the life that inspired the songs

Early Inspiration

**Mark: What nice favorite stand up comedians and what were his early influences?

Chris: Billy Connolly. Bill Hicks. Emo Philips. When I wouldn't saw this guy, Mike Hardy. When I was a little kid and my mum took us to see him at Bradford, Alhambra and he was ******* her. So I loved him. He had a guitar as well. He was ******* cool.

I think the first thing that ever made me want to play a guitar was the Sex Pistols. I just wanted to play the bass. I thought if Sid Vicious can do it, I can. I just thought I wanna be that guy. He looks like he's having a good crack.

Inspiration to write

Interviewer: What is your inspirations to write?

‘manic story telling, compassionate desire to counter meanness in the world. Punching across to have a laugh at ourselves as a way of keeping us compassionate to each others uniqueness.’

Chris: I can't write a song on purpose to save my life. They're quite involuntary. But if I get a good one, I try and record it. And then do it again. When the song is ready it jumps out of my gob. If I try to write a song, it's contrived. And ****, and I wouldn't. Even play it again. But if I if I ignore that I haven't got any songs, wouldn't know just fall out of my mouth. If you ask anyone who's been stuck in a van with me and hear the bands that I've had to. Go on tour with me and my gob never stops. I've only got 2 modes and I'm on. It depressive. I made 100 miles an hour, stories and songs which I cannot stop. Or I'm. I'm silent going I want to die. And now we are all going to die. Weirdly, I'm quite cheerful in a way.

I don't believe in humour that punches down. I'm usually on the end of that sort of humour. I believe in humour that just punches across for a general laugh. A joke is only a joke if both people laugh so never be a **** to anyone and. A joke is my thing. I don't like comedians who pick on audience members, so I took my mate once and. We were both really depressed. I took my mate. You see a comedian. We're in the front row and the first thing the comedian does is pick on us and he goes look at these two. They look alright. ******* pair of care in the communities and we we are. We were like, we've paid money to see this guy and he's ******* calling a cunt and. I ended up having a gun at the. Comedian cause because he was making a mate. So I don't know like man. So I don't believe in me and comedy. I've tried not to do it myself. The only person I'm qualified to be mean to is myself. Because then you know that you are taking it as a joke, but you don't know. Anybody's boundaries, so. It's best not to be mean in general. I reckon. Sorry, I meant looking.

Changing Lyrics

When I do my songs. I'm only really working off the riff. And the title. But I can't retain memories. If you give me a pen and paper and said write down the lyrics to a captain of knife song, I wouldn't be able to do.

And I'm not too hot with the pen and paper, if you know what I mean. I can do it. I can read I find reading easier on text actually, but it makes my brain to read and write. So I I. I don't like. Doing it. So never write any lyrics down, and when I go to sing the song again, it'll have a different version because I'm neurologically. Not capable of doing anything consistently, but actually got Tourette's diagnosis as well. But I'm a manic depressive and my head's pretty ******. I've got literal physical holes in my brain from carbon monoxide poisoning. Smoked ton of. And I've quite liked the old. Hallucinogenics as well, when we were younger. So, like my brain can't. Hold

If you asked me to sing the song the same off the album. If you came to my gig and expected to. Sing along, you'd. Be scuppered because I thought the the album? Version was just the version it was that day. So my song were never the same twice which? You know where there might be why all the fans come back. Because it isn't the same every time, because if you go and see men, most bands are professional. It's word for word the saying. If you won't see Elvis Costello, I'd sing it when they're like Oliver's army, word for word. All the fans would know it if you went to see the beautiful South. Everyone would. Know it. Go see. Me, I don't know my own songs. I'm having to rewrite them every time I get on stage cause. I've my memory doesn't work. Like that.

This is not common to a lot of performers is I don't know what I'm going to say until too late I've said it. And then after I've said it, I. Don't remember what I've said. So imagine going through life like that. I can't, actually, I'm not actually really in charge of my own gig. I'm just putting myself on a stage and letting other people look at how I am all the time. So when I've had people come up and say, how did you come up with your act? It's not an act, mate. I couldn't do an act. I'm not. Even capable of. Telling lies. I can't lie. If I lie, I. Start ticking straight. Away, my mate Maxine. Well, text to **** at. Me because I can't lie. And everyone else can do it, just stuck as a skill. It's something I can't access. You, neurotypicals, you lucky ****.

All the HD types. Like in my gig, if the audience shout. Out a song that helps me to ****. Because I don't know what I'm doing, I'm looking at the guitar half the time going who's is this guitar? People don't realize our fooked I. Am I'm not putting it. On

Memories

Childhood

I've grown up in Bradford and a lot of my mats at school were from Azad Kashmir or they weren't from there, their parents were. A lot of the Bradford kids, a lot of the Asian community in Bradford, in my era, my age group. From a part. Of Pakistan called Mirpur. Mirpur is part of the Punjab.

20s

Chris: I was in and out of mental hospitals in my 20s, cause I've got manic depression. That's the diagnosis. The truth is poverty causes most people's mental illness. 99% of people I've met with severe mental illness, they were abused as kids. They have very poor backgrounds and the mental hospital I was in was extremely unsafe cause the staff were bent and they were actually torturing their patients. But they had the perfect excuse. If you told your visitors what was going on. Then the staff had already told him you were delusional and I hate when people use mental health as a put down and got your delusional mate mate. That's that hurts somebody like me because that was used as an excuse to cover up the fact that I was getting tortured every ******* day in the hospital. And I worry about all the little youths that are autistic, who get put into these. Arms and stuff because the staff are ******* *****, man. And that needs sorting out.

Techno-skiffle Band

Interviewer: That you, you you have fun gigs all the time, though. Every every gig I've ever been of yours, that everybody's just laughing from start to finish and actual score. Sore joys, sore chest. I really wish they.

Chris: Wouldn't laugh at. My gigs cause I I'm being deep and meaningful looks say and and the commoners and the scandals and vagabonds lap at it. And I I hate it. I I wish they would leave if they're going to laugh, no. It's ******* nice. I'm a really. Really lucky *******. Because I didn't start doing this till. My mid 30s. And it's. Giving me hope.

Interviewer: Were you were. You in bands before you went solo, I think you. You mentioned that.

Chris: Well, now I've been gone from being about 15, so I started being in buns in 1985. And none of them. Got big, but like they were all good. Fun like. But we're all anyone who's in a band will.

Interviewer: You get any stuff, you get any stuff online that if.

Chris: Tell you that.

Interviewer: Your old stuff.

Chris: Not massively cause a lot of it. Was pre Internet era. If that makes sense. So there's not massively. I was in a band in Scotland in about 1989 till about 1992. And we had a couple of genres which the singer was amazing. She's from Renfrew. You know Renfrew, I guess.

Interviewer: Oh, we know. Ran through.

Chris: So the singer and the guitar player. Were from Renfrew and they. Were ******* genius musician. She was such a good singer and we did this style called techno skiffle. What it basically was, it was the very early days of techno, wasn't it? Like about 89. And it was the early days of pills cause it was the first time I'd really seen pills and they were dead expensive. They were like £15 if you were selling them to punters, but we used to take them to our gigs and and sell them, but we we saw we, we, we did so many drugs ourselves. That we ended up. Selling all our equipment as well. Because, you know, these are the worst drug to be the. Dealer of cause you get a. Massive bag laid on, don't you think? I've got million pounds here, you. Got or wherever you have one yourself. And then then. 20 minutes later you're going up to people. And putting them in the mouths going. Oh, don't worry, ma'am. Pay me on. And then you've got. Then you've got a massive. Your dealer, so you end up taking your ******* guitar cash converters. So we ended up with our instruments except for a drum machine. At chess base, which was what I played and an acoustic guitar, we all wore cowboy hats and we did techno skiffle. So we just put a techno beat on and we the really fast country song over top of it. Sorry, it was. Good for remembering. That actually I forgot about that. We gave away more pills than soft Mick, though. We were always in debt for doing it as well. Stuff counts as we were. Anyway, sorry. Yeah, yeah. This is good. I'm so. Good to actually see your first one.

Jazz Band

Years ago I played double bass in this band called ‘The Little Wooden Buddhas’. It was me, this genius piano dude called Octavius handspan and a pure crazy drummer called Adam veeb o phagus. We did improv tunes around simple bass lines as I had only just got a double bass..

Octavius had a grand piano in a tiny council flat woodhouse in leeds, I’d been walking past with a double bass and his drummer Adam shouted out the window cos he saw the bass, but then when I realised it was adam, me and him had been in a pixies / breeders / elastica type band with each other years before so I just went in and joined the band straight away.

I listen to old minidiscs of the little wooden buddhas a lot. ”

Support Worker

Chris: I work as a support worker with this lad. And he has. Quite delicate sort of health cause he's. Got a heart? Heart condition and my lungs are ****** as well. Cause I've got chronic asthma, but when I was. In my 20s I got really poorly and then a couple of years. After being poorly for. I mean, I was down to 8 store and it were ******* mental. And a year or two after it, they stopped. They did an X. Ray and the guy says to. Oh, you've got scar tissue in your lungs. Mate and I thought I thought I'd be embarrassed. I thought it's obviously cause I smoke hot knives as. Soon as I wake up every day. I thought I've scared my lungs out with the ******* cannabis raising on the burning foot on the heated knives and the guy goes no. You've had tuberculosis. So I hadn't been answered to me. I had TB, not that I didn't know I was ill, but I'd think people thought it was eradicated. So they didn't. They didn't even diagnose it. So yeah, my lungs are really ******, so if I get corona, I'll be in trouble. And if I give it to Joe, the lad that I work for, then I won't be able to go to work. So what's happening is his family are self isolating with him. I'm self isolating on my own in the hope that I can still go around. And work with him in. A week or three. So it's yeah. I know what you mean. I've been on. My own a while now. I'm talking **** about that. Now the question was about the fund, yeah. Sorry, you'll have to bear with. Me rambling, not seeing anyone for ages. I feel like Robinson Crusoe, but like.

Chrisis Fund

A lot of my mates play gigs for a living or they work at the. Festivals or they work behind bars? So when it came obvious that we should do something about the virus, cause Ireland did it a lot sooner. And they've had much less deaths. On an Irish government gave everybody ******* assurance that they'd still get some doll. You get 305 euros a week in Ireland if you self isolating. You don't have to have a test. If you stay out of the way, they give. You 305. So Irish people care a bit more about each other, I think as well than England, I can't speak Scotland. Scotland more I don't know. Anyway, I can. Speak for anybody but. One thing another I was thinking. Ireland's locked down? I thought England's gonna be in a week or two. And so that's everybody's work going home. My mates school, sound engineers, ******* drummers, trombone players, you. Know you're not. Gonna get a trombone playing job anytime soon, are you? Freaking shy, all my mates are gonna die. And it's like nahh. I can I can do without not seeing them for a couple of weeks if it means not giving them an. Illness, but for. Him all dying is. A bit extreme. So I thought. About individual people I knew, and I thought. Oh man, I know this person's ****** or for whatever. Reason. So I had £300. It it was cool. I had it because I was saving it up, but then I thought what I'm saving. For now, exactly. Because I was gonna save up for a guitar. And then I thought the world doesn't really need me to have another guitar right now because I'm not being funny. I've not been a ****, but I've got about. Five guitars at my house. So what am I doing buying a guitar? So I've got £300 there so. I thought. And I asked a couple of people. Who were I knew would be not. Getting any money? I said look, can I just ping you some money and no one wanted to take it off me because they were like, no, you can't give me money. And I said no, listen, would you? Take it. If the government gave you it. As in, you know if they if. They did a sick pair. Would you have? It and said, yeah. Yeah, the government should give me a sick pair so. I'm like, well, alright then. Remember this? The government don't have money. They don't own money. The Boris Johnson doesn't pay for anything out of his pocket, his taxpayers money and the government should be there to just distribute that to where it needs to be. But they don't. They spend it on weapons or high speed rail links to ******* Boris Johnson's goat dealers house. Well, I mean, they don't ******* spend the money. Where it should. And so I said to them. Mate, look, if you would take. Taxpayers money in your hand. I don't pay any ******* tax on my gigs, see, I've said that on public ship. Anyway, don't like like now the apocalypse is happening and I thought I don't pay no tax. I'd rather give it to my. Friends so they. Didn't die.

So I. Started giving people a bit of money. Not like to be a **** and I didn't want it back either, cause I thought I'm actually good. I've got a massive bag of lentils and my friend. Gave me two drops of liquid acid and I put. Them in a bottle. Of water, so if I. Get it gets so ill that. I'm gonna die. I've got enough. Acid to go out tripping? I've got two doses, so if you're coughing your guts up, die in, it'd be, I think, the best crack you could do then is get two drops of acid in you and then put on ACDC. Let there be rock. And cop your way up to that. You know, way back in the beginning. Five man didn't know about the Rock roll show and you'd be like that And all that jive. Waiting for it to kick in, but syf. Thought oh wait. I don't need all.

So I gave somebody away, but then I thought, oh, ****, I'm running out of. Money to give away. But I thought if I put on, if I put on my Facebook page. If anyone buys me albums, then I could use the money from band camp to give to other people cause a lot of people have stopped having any way of earning. So it's just as simple as that, so I. Started asking if people would. Buy the band camp. This is only in the last week. You know what? It's ******* gone mad. People have it. What it's done. It's brought out all the kindness in everybody. People have chipped in who were ******* skint themselves, people who've lost their own jobs are putting it in. And I've got. I've managed to help right? I'm not. Gonna ever say? Who got the money? So that's not fair. I'm not doing this for Brownie points. I'm not a ******* gold off count. I hate those ******* black nosing counts. I hate the whole concepts of charity. It's ******* patronising. It's like, aren't you brave? Crippled boy. He is a pound of *******. To deal with that. This is more like in the miners strike when we used to do hardship funds. All the punk bands in the 80s, with every gig we did was full of ******* miner strike. I'm not a miner, but seeing my granddad, not my great granddad was a miner. Blah blah blah. Anyway, whatever. The idea is if you get a big Kitty together, make sure nobody goes under and they don't even have to be my friend. I've been pinging money to. People I've never met. And all I've said to people I've asked them don't be ****** takers. But if you ******* need someone, I'll just ping you. It cause why not? And then people have kept. Donating enough to. Me that I've been able to keep doing it.

And you know what I've. Given away free about 3 and a. Half grand in about a week. And I've all got I've still got about a grand and half in the kit here and there's loads to come in loads to clear from band camp sales. And I don't want the money for myself, cause I'm actually totally fine. I've got enough of everything that I need. I've got lentils, I've got acid, I've got adds to talk to when. I start tripping. I've got a few mushies left. I'm eating some now actually. The edge off and then I've got like. I've I've got.

But fund is the idea is it is. If you can chip in, fine. If you can't, don't feel bad because nobody's got any money. The other thing about the fund. Sorry I'm such a talkative ****, mark. Sorry I. Keep talking then. The only thing I thought about the front cause I had. A moment of discussed the first few. Days after it became apparent that loads of people were dying in Italy. All I saw in the all I've seen on Facebook feeds. I suppose the bubble that I'm in because I play the festivals and I play a lot of gigs, but all I saw was like festival people going Oh no, we're gonna have to cancel Glastonbury. And I'm thinking mate, in Italy people are going out. I'm going to have to bury my Nanna. I'm gonna have to bury my mum. My sisters died and nobody gave that any respect to our time of day at all. Or everyone's become very insular and and I saw. A band saying please give me some money. Please give me some money. I've got no income. And I thought, well, neither have I. All my gigs are gone, but I'm lucky cause I've got a part time job as well as a support worker that might. Keep going, but I still thought. Rather than ask for money from me cause there's only one of me, I don't need that much looking money and the pubs are shut. So what you gonna spend your ******* money on anyway? There's no. There's not to. Spend the money on. Is there anyone who's having money at the minute? You might as. Well, ******* want your ***** on there because.

So all I'm doing is passing it on from one set of kind strangers to a set of hungry strangers. If the hungry strangers stay alive, think of the party we're all going to have at the end. Everyone's gonna feel that a stranger looked after them. The strangers look after me all the time, cause I've lived a feral life. I've been feral as fuck, I get, I get antsy. Talk about lockdown. I get antsy from in the. Same town for. More than three days, I think shift. Shift's gonna come on top, but it. Goes somewhere else. But like, but most people who are. More settled, this is a bad time. For everyone, and I thought, rather than sit at home praying about it, why not try and make it a bit better for every? Why not? Why not? Yeah, well, you're.

Interviewer: And you're the decision maker. Do you know? I used to get that in. In job centres that when you got for a crisis loan or something like it would be in the hands of the decision maker.

Chris: **** that. And the degrading Ness of it or me. I spent years and years on benefits cause I've got a couple of disability issues and for King. Yeah, that ******* patronising. Like, why do you need the money? Are you capable? Can you wipe your own ****? I haven't asked anybody any ******* question. Except what's your bank details. Are you with me? And that's all I'm bothered about and. And do you know what? No one's actually wanted to take it? I've not had anyone who's been on this grounding vibe. It's been more a process normally of me sussing out that somebody's struggling and then discretely saying look. I could help you. Then they don't want it, and then they say look, why not take it? I've got it from strangers anyway, and once they realise. I'm not skinning myself and I'm gonna be fine. I once to realize that the strangers are happy to. You paid, and once they realize well. Why the **** not? Then why not? Because I know a lot of people who busk? So how are you gonna go busking in the lockdown? How are you gonna sing on the street? How are you gonna feed your dog? If you've not. Got the cash coming in from busking. So quite a lot of the fund has gone to buskers.

People get in touch on behalf of their mates. Like I'm not mentioning any ******* names. But like earlier today. Got a message from somebody saying, oh, no, this lass, all the bar works cancelled cause the pubs are all unlocked down. So people like that it's hand to mouth workers who work cash and especially who fall between the gaps. I want to help them, but this guy says, oh, this girl's run out of money and I'm really worried about her. What about the fund? And I said that is exactly what the fund is for. So I sent the money straight to this loss. I've never met her. I don't want ******* brownie. Points for it. I don't give a ****, even if I do ever meet her, or as long as she *******. Lives until next week. Why not? What's the point of letting any count die? When I could give him £100 it's ******* ridiculous. And people are giving me the money to. Do it so it isn't even coming out of my pocket. It's just like what this is like is cosmically is like passing a joint, but without the germs cause it's virtual. I'm doing it all on Internet banking. I haven't been on.

One of my good friends has chipped in. He's a big part. He has a big part to play in the Romani community. So even the Romanis are trying to help the Gogios, so this is a time when the division needs to end. The lockdown, if it teaches us anything, is. Nobody is better nor worse than anyone and everybody matters and look out for your disabled mates at this time because they might be really ******.

If anyone needs any money. Or your alcohol, depending on. Ever ******* send a private message to captain up knives? And if you're struggling, I'll do my best to help because it's not my money anywhere. People know it's the fund and they're all chipping in. It's like solidarity, working class solidarity and among the musicians and the festies, and also are among the buskers and. The the people. Who don't have a home that they can isolate. And the people who don't have the money that can afford. A month or *******. Any job and all their self-employed *****. So just get in touch if you're struggling, right catching a bit, mark.

Festivals known and loved

Blackpool punk festival, Shambala.

‘Could be killing each other’, festival staff dictators, hug at Portugal festival.

Bad crowd reactions

Considering that some of my songs are bit near the knuckle. It's gone pretty good and I'm pretty thankful most audiences realize it's just having a laugh. And I don't get anything too bad, but I have had a few people take it wrong, I had a bad reaction in the pub once cause I've got a song that takes the **** out of racism, but it's not massively political. It's just ridiculous. It's just having a laugh, but still I've got some adverse reactions from having that that point of view. And I've had crowds full of people giving it grief because of that, which have. And bad. But then I realized, if you're gonna say anything about that, ******* expect someone's gonna get pisssed off for you. So taught me a lesson. Just like if you don't say it and you don't mean it, don't ******* say it. And if you're not prepared to say it in a place where they don't like it, don't say it. In a place where they do.

I had this woman coming up to me after a gig and saying you are the most horrible and aggressive, nastiest, meanest evilest man I've ever seen in my life. So I said to her ‘where do you live?’ Man, I could move there and be a king. You must live in a sheltered area. She must have walked in halfway through this song I've got about sniffing glue. And it's this bit where I go proper mental. And I think she thought that I meant everything of that. And she said to me; ‘well, if it’s so bad, why don't you just kill yourself?’ So I said to her; ‘Tell you what? There's a tree over there. Got my guitar lead. It'll get around my neck and you pull my feet. So I'm not just hanging. And she won't help. So I thought, ‘well, come on.’

Health Condition

Interviewer: Do you think everyone's gonna get a little bit more OCD and germophobic and stuff going forward just because? I think in a.

Chris: Way, but I think. In a way. A little bit of that. That, and not in not based not in. A fierce sense. A little bit. Of hygiene would go a long way. I don't going over the top but simply like cause I have to watch out for getting illnesses every winter. It's nothing new to me. I've been on trains doing this. I've put this. On to show people. I do this on a train every winter and people think I'm a Mexican bandit and I'm gonna hijack the. Then and obviously they're giving me dirty looks and cause some fairly large and cause I've got ******* Tourettes and I moved weird because everyone expected involuntary movements and ******* some of them look like I'm head, but. Involuntary mid year. So looking involuntary. ******* mask on me, involuntary moving head and. They think who's? That couldn't, but it's just literally cost. I get flu. It can kill me. Three years ago, I was at my mates and she's. She was shouting at me cause my lips were going. Blue, she said. I'm taking you to hospital and I'm going. I'm not going to hospital. You couldn't cause you get really. You get really irritable. If you're having an asthma attack really bad, I was irritable with my friend Maxine and and I was like a really sorry afterwards when I realized what's going on. But I was so out. Of breath really horrible and Maxine's. Going you *******. Weeks ago and boom, you need to go. To the hospital. So I get that off normal flu. So now that there's a viral. Form of pneumonia that could kill normal people. It's gone a disaster. Movie for me, I'm having to hide it out. It's like a. Zombie movie, but I thought rather than get depressed. Do something to. Help everyone, because if even one of my mates went under. The for the lack of some money on the lucky stick or or of some dog food or a bit. Of ******* potatoes. What kind of account would that make me feel? I don't want to work with hundreds of funerals. A lot of my mates have already ******* died. I'm 50. Half of my mates have died cause we've all had stupid mad lifestyles. But like I got when I go to anymore funerals for a few years. So I just I'd rather ping a bit of money about and then. It just seems a better way to do. It what? Why?

It dawned on me because I smoke a lot of. Cannabis. I always have done. I've done it since it. Was a kid, but it got me off. A lot of. Other worship to be fair, and it helps a lot with my ticks. It's if I smoking enough, I don't think as much. So, do you know what I mean? But I've now I've realised the trick. Is to eat it and that works better for longer off of.

Seizures & Memory Loss

Chris: Of Buckfast during a gig at Eden Festival. And after the gig I had a seizure in in the. Little side bit. And then I because. I'd had the seizure had no. Memory of the gig and I had to find a. Promote a journey. And say Jenny did a play. I thought I'd. Lose the gig out and I hadn't played and. She, I said. Did I play? Did I play and she goes, Chris, not only did you play, but we all got behind you on. Stage and got. Our **** out. And you, you don't even remember. I know it's like, ****.

Mental Health

Manic Depression

Chris: cause it's a new world for everyone in our whole generation. We've been so lucky. There's never been something that threatens all of us at the same time. So none of us have got an instruction book how to deal with that. And I've had moments of abject ******* terror cause I've demonic depressive so. I was in a bad really bad bout of depression when. All the news cats started. So there I am in my depressed state going. Everything's ****. We're all gonna die. And then thought. Ohh, come on, Chris. That's just depression. Then I put news on. Then it goes everything ship. You're all gonna die. Was like. Ohh and I immediately thought of your song? You know that song. That goes what? Possibly go wrong and I was like. ******* hell. It's the Armageddon. And then. After a day or two thinking ******* hell, I'm getting, I thought. On I've been listening to the subhumans since. I was about 13. I know what to do. Paulk has given me an instruction book and a warning about. Like this and my punk attitude says do like in the miner strike, look around at all everyone and make sure that everyone gets a share and that they're alright. My friend, her dad was one of the top boys in. One of the. Mining areas and during the strike they used to go and rustle cows. They used to go in a ******* Transit van. And knit cows to chop up and eat and feed all the kids. That's the cause, Mrs. The ******* clinic was trying to ******* starve their kids. I think what this virus and crisis should make us all do is use this as a springboard to completely reject inequality and completely reject these Tory policies that are dividing everyone. Cause all this? Nastiness that people are shouting at each other should be shouted at the 1%. At the top. For the cause, I don't care if Mr. for King Smith's got 10 more girls than me. It's irrelevant, the queen. The ******* queen. Has got enough money 1/10. Of her wealth, could we could we could all have six months off. Work could work.

Alcoholism

I had three months without the golden can, check that out, shopkeepers gutted where I live, kids might have to come home from uni.

I knew it was the end times when they changed special brew. It was a class war move that that was an attack on the working class or the underclass. They ******* was that they didn't take a percent off a. ******* done paying on, did they? They took it off a ******* special bill that counts. And if you're alcohol dependent, that's. A big deal. You shouldn't **** with the strength of a drink if you're used to how many cans you should have to get to keep yourself right then they shouldn't **** about. With it when. They changed the percentage of special brand new. The end times would come in. I still got. It's empty sadly, but I've still got one. Of the old cams. Cause that used to be a cuddle in a Cam that. If you have to sleep outside. Or in a van or in. A doorway or somewhere? 9% cuddling account makes you feel better now. It's like a tease. In a tin. ******* 7.5%, mark. It's like driving lager now and you only took a. Percentage off grew. That I was gonna die anyway because I thought I can't judge my amounts anymore.

I used to be physically dependent on alcohol in the sense of like. Alcohol withdrawal is really vicious and you can die of a withdrawal.

Tourretes

I'm doing with my mate Jess Tourette's here. She's got amazing. She's a in a superhero outfit in a wheelchair. She's on the genuine superhero I've ever met is her superpower. Makes her life harder.

by each gig. I've forgotten what was said in the last gig. There's sort of a plant, have song titles. Whatever falls out of your mouth on the night.

And cause I've kind of got this issue with torrex. As well, where? Because Remember Me, you're sending you an access rider when you booked me for the festival? Yeah, and of course, I've got an issue that when I'm very ticky when I'm having a lot of ticks, if people touch me and I know full well they don't mean any harm, they they've it's not. They wouldn't know it, but it's like an electric shock to me and it. Makes me jump. And it's actually painful. And if they? Do it a. The sensory overload goes so much that I end up having fit. So I get quite stressy and it's worse just before a gig for me, because that's. The peak of the adrenaline. So if you had have caught me after a. Giggle before it. The last thing. I would have probably wanted to do myself not to be rude to you, but I wouldn't have wanted to do a podcast. But now now that. Actually, we between us engineered a virus that has brought down society. We should have mentioned that. And I don't mean any disrespect to the dead and the dying. I'm just being a **** to myself. I've, but now all those rules are gone. We've got time to say stuff. Because I wish my fans would understand cause they think I'm being a ****, they come up to me and they grab me and then cause I'm switching. They grab me. And try and. Hold me still and that really works. It's like somebody. It's unbelievably uncomfortable. It's like all, like, electric shocks. It's an overlord and. If they give me 5 minutes to be. Quiet I'd be. Fine, but the more they do it. And the more people got, are you alright? You're alright? Why are you doing that? Why you? Touching like you're a. Typical people never get asked why they're doing stuff. I never go up and you're a typical **** in Woolworths and go here mate, why are you not ticking? Is it what you're not stressed or is it? Cost you stressed, are you? In a good mood or a bad mood? Why are you not ticking? But the minute I start ticking, everyone feels like they've got a ******* right to ask me. Why not leave me the **** alone? You count is what I would feel like saying, but then if? You say that you end up. With British Transport Police grabbing you, I remember. Where the gig with Chaz and Dave. God rest his soul. Jeez, man, I did a few gigs with Chaz and Dave over the years. And I was on my way to play this week in Manchester and started having a seizure on the train, so my head was banging on the window. My body is all arched up. I'm a 16 strong guy, you know. They were looking worried around me and sent this woman. You had a ticket, lady. And she wasn't being a ****, she just she was probably being really kind in her heart. But the first thing she did. Was put her hand on my shoulder. To sort of say, are you alright, mate? Because there's an instinct. You it's nothing bad against the woman to say that. She wouldn't have known. But the minute the hand went on short, do you know that's to me that you might as well burn me with a ******* sig? If you're gonna touch me when I'm fitting, you're adding to that fit. So if you see anyone ever having a fit, don't touch them. I don't believe this **** that you should put something in the mouth. No, just don't touch him. Let the fit run unless to an immediate danger of getting one over or something. Don't touch it, cause it's unbearably painful for the person having the fit. So it's done now, obviously, I've jerked away. And then if I'd had time and I wasn't fitting, I could have said. Excuse me, ticket lady. Reassuring BBC voice. Excuse me, ticket lady, I'm experiencing a seizure and your hand on my shoulder is an unwelcome addition of more stimulation at a point which my. Brain is already overloaded. Could you move? Your hand most kindly. Thank you, Madam. Now for. The manage that that'd be great, but. What come out of my mouth was? Coffee come.

So I saw a face. I saw the face on the door from concern. Is this guy gonna die on my train? To British Transport Police, he's called me up front. He said count. He might be having a quick, but he said. ******* ****. So Manchester station I get *******. Frogmarch to grab me by my arms, which is. Unbearably ******* painful when you fit in. You grabbed me by my arms on the. Shoulders and frog. Marched me off and question me why? Am I fitting? What other disorder would you question somebody while they're having? Would you go up to somebody who's having a heart attack and going? Why are you having an heart attack on the train? What you *******. Doing that for, we're playing that they're. Saying worry, everyone with your damn I. Thought you wouldn't do it, would you? But if you're having. A seizure, it seems, to give everyone. The right to ******* intervene. In their mind. If you see someone having seizure, especially me *******. Leave me alone. The less stimulus you put to me, the quicker. I'll come round. But obviously you can't explain that. But people who are neurologically a bit different, we are sick to death of. Even having to explain. Neurotypicals don't get questioned on their behaviour all the time. Stop doing it to us. You cunts.

ADHD & Dyslexiaa

I hate labelling myself or anyone else. I don't wanna say I'm autistic or ADHD or ADHD. I'd love to see the logo of that though in the in the in the in the *******. Professor SCDC. You know, if you could. Have that on the back of a. Denim jacket walking on the street.

Northern

Swear words

It's not really about that. Swearing is just a byproduct of. You just if that's how you talk, cause most my songs are just the way I talk but with a guitar.

John Peel

I wish I'm talking sent in my first CD because the first catching up now has been made. I was gonna send him it and then he pegged it and I wished I'd sent him it so badly. That was in years ago, where I I didn't do none of the singing or none other words, just played the bears. We got played by him and it is in a British band that is like if John Peel plays your your song, it's like feel like ******* Ell. Part of the wider musical world, I'm not. Just in my bedroom, you know? And I wished I'd sent him an off live CD. I've met him once a long time ago. Very briefly. I was in the ship band in the 90s, but we got on one. Of the big I think it were red in us somewhere and it was the last time the Stone Roses ever played and we were in the hospitality bit and we and this girl and it's an. Optic a bottle of an optic from behind the bar, through the skin, and I was going across and past the queue to the toilets and John Peel was in a. You had this bottle like that and fresh John Peel, like I might never get a chance to talk to him again. I might have said blah blah blah. You played that song. You played that song and he says Ohh, what band does it? And I told him you ******* remembered out of all the million bands. He must have played, he remembered us and just got to two minutes and security were coming. I thought ****, I better go. But like so I did for two minutes. It's him, but it's such a shame he's bagged it. Cause for bands especially obscure weird bands he. Was like the saviour of those.

Look North

Wonder if it's what's like being on Look North.

Anti-Capitalism

Chris: Say you were living on just one St. So there's about 10 families and nine of them have found US folk. And they're all happy. Where and they share their share and they're not counts to each other. Then one family says. I want half of everybody's wages and we're gonna keep. It and then. They build a stupid extension on the ******* house and start loading it about going on quad bikes and **** then people. The other nine. Houses will be a bit is a bit ****, but then if you got to the stage where the end family at the end of the ******* terrace, we're actually saying you have to give us all your. Money and you have to worship us and we want half with jewels on and and and. And we're gonna make sure that your kids and stuff have a ship. Quality of. Life just to. Keep our kids in in resources and we're gonna all be ******* ****** and we're. Gonna get away. With it, then, that family would get their house burned down, wouldn't they? Pretty ******* quick.

Interviewer: Pretty quickly.

Chris: Probably tried pulling that **** off on a normal street. If they did it on Ravenscliffe estate in Bradford, they'd get, they'd get kicked foot. But the Royals are getting. Away with it the the quickest.

Interviewer: It's because they think it's because they put their faces on the moon. So people see them. Every time they've got £20. In their handler or. Yes, I've got. I found a £20 note in my pocket and they're being slowly hypnotised for the. Yeah, a lot of people.

Chris: Reminded me of that film, I bet. You'll know this film called is it they live or something. And there's a guy and he puts on his school glasses and he sees the money and it and it changes. I can't remember the name of the film. Anyway, sorry, but I tell you. What's interesting at the moment is a lot of the things that happening look like there. Going to be bad. But as a collective of nice people coming together, cause I've heard people coming out of the woodwork to be kind, right? If it's OK to say this because I don't wanna, I don't wanna break anyone's confidentiality. Who the donors are. But our people have donated into this. Fund, which you. Would think is just. They're thinking it's going to. Maybe a few buskers in the UK, but I've had donations from German people from ******* Spanish people who are under lockdown themselves. They're still under lockdown there. About donations from them, their situation is worse than ours. And they're putting. Money in so that some busker can have a. ******* dog food. It's showing me that there's far more nice people than counts who will do more for each other, so I'm intending to keep it going after this crisis. Of course, what is the use to me of selling my albums if all I do with it and I'll be really honest here when I get any money from a gig I used to get money from a. Gig I just used to buy everyone a drink at the bar. With it, I'll get a. Massive carry out for the house part. And if I have if some. Gigs if I get. More than the other band I check in with you. The band and give them a. Bit of what I got cause I don't. I have this really childish thing of things. I hate things being unfair. I'm a bit artistical and I can't do with like inequalities. I'm a bit OCD, I think. I think I've got a tenner and he's got now. Give him five. I'm like that, mate.

Hobbies

Lee is teaching me how to speak Irish to stop me going mad. Because we've all if. You've privileged enough to have a video for and do Facebook video message. If your mate speaks a different language and you're all. Locked up for weeks. Get them to teach you it.

Gigs

Chris: The busiest year I ever had, I did 100 gigs in a year but in most years I did most weekends except for January.

Interviewer You're doing loads of live shows your Facebook page.

Chris: Yeah. Then I got too sick to do them and then when I started again. I couldn't really see. So I just did instrumentals for ages on the banjo and stuff.

Cosmo

Chris: I get emails or strangers that say go to whatever town it is and. We'll give you. A gig and I'm sorry. Now you that I just go to that town and hope it's real. I just got I went to. It's cruel really, of it when you think. About it, but I. Went to the town and it's got this. E-mail saying go out there. So I went and it was Newport. ******* hell, man. I'm from. Bradford so like there's. Not many towns where I get off the train and I. Go ******* hell. Like Newport was like ******* now. I thought this town is going to be interesting to play.

Lesser Known Song Lyrics

Seizure Later

Chris: I was on the way to support Chaz and Dave when I was on this train to Manchester I started having a fit. I was a bit excited. And I was on the train and I started having this fit, but my body was stuck like under the table bit and my head was braying. On the window. And the other people on the train, they didn't really know what to do. So they got the ticket with me. As I've pointed out to me. Now I could hear. And see. But I couldn't talk back. To him, properly. And she just. Does this thing. She goes the first thing she thought to do. Was put her hand onto my. Shoulder see if you. Touch someone when they're fitting. It's like an electric shock for them. Yeah, it makes it a lot worse for them because you adding more stimulus cause the brains over. Stimulated to the point where it's fitting. So you didn't you own something else to deal with by the? Hand on the problems that feel. Like an actually shot so. Oh yeah. I've been hearing people grab at me when I'm. And then as well, if I'd have had the chance to say to her what it is, right love in the 90s, I got put on these meds, which years later I've got side effects of uncontrollable movements and seizures. And the best thing you could do is leave me alone. If that would have come out of. My mouth that might have. Been one thing, but what come out of my mouth? Just grabbed my shoulder. Was **** ***, you ****. So I saw. I saw a face go from ambulance to British Transport Police straight away. Right to. The Count's ******* great the count. So I got gripped by two fellas while I'm off the seizure, which is really dangerous cause it's it's pumping up the seizure. They can kill you doing that. So I'm trying to get our. I'm trying to jet down mine trip. These two British Transport Police to not kill me. And to also not search me. I had had issues of the legal nature in my pocket. So I thought you had to just sort of convincing him to that. I was just like harmless. Breakdancer just a bit. And great dancing and, you know, try to get down to the gig for chess. And there so I'm honest to get there, but I've missed most of the time for the sound. And then the guy said to me the promoter was will occur and says to me. You can have anything you want from behind the bar. Just ask them. Just say what you want and you get it, so it's just on instinct. I just asked them for six pints of Guinness and six double vodkas and. The woman's looking at. Me. Like who? Were these for? There's only one of you in the band and. I'm like the. It's going. Why do you need that much and said, look, I've gotta go on in 10 minutes. I need to get drunk. So I'm down to six points and the six double vodkas and then they had man to sound check and the first thing the guy behind the desk done, he switched. On a straw. When does that happen?

Just like too much great dancing in one day. And I'll bloods. That well, I've made a song about it. Not exactly about that kind of thing. It, yeah.

Yeah, it's called a seizure. Right.

Here we go. If you see.

Me, I'm not looking a little strange. Don't be concerned. It's just my mind is me range. And if I fall down and start break dancing on.

Flash, flash, flash on the flash, so it looks like I'm just flashing. I don't need medical assistance. I just need some beats seizure, seizure, seizure, seizure.

She's your maid to Haven.

And if you grab me by my wrist and tell me to stop twitching. I won't be able. To the battery will be putting me into. Which will make me some more. The worst thing? You could do is kneel on me on. The floor so. If you see me. And I had two little strange dreams. Big concern.

It's just my hand. It's me. Range do not. Fire break dancing on the floor. Just put. Just put Grandmaster Flash on. Maybe some early doctor pay? If you are feeling.

All romantic baby.

Just wait for me to drop.

Plenty of room for one more, right?

And if the washing needs to be. Just put me in the bath. And stick some hot windows. You should be up in the season. Hey. Hey.

Rolling with the bible

But every now and. Then people say to me, captain hot knives. And fat mad ****. We'd like you to sing us something nice. But I've never done anything nice. I have certainly never doing anything that you say.

He even got anywhere close.

Sorry, Tina Turner, another Tina Turner. One's getting ruined now. I left a good job in 1992, went for a long weekend.

I didn't get Back to work On Monday morning, cause pills were really strong back then. It was seventeen years later and I was at a. Job interview you said what you've.

Been doing, doing, doing, doing, doing, doing.

Purchase burn on it. You're gone. Everyone's gotta whistle. Except me. My hands are busy with the whiff. Around about 1990. Five, I think I'd been sectioned again. I was certainly. In an environment where.

You couldn't have any reasons from a four hour maguna smoke. Had a bit of stodgy black in the bottom of my sock and. A bit of back. Rolling rolling in the hospital. I had no business. I thought. But then I found the Gideon. Bible pages were nice and. They would stick together quite well. Smokes my way through Exodus. In the book. Of job I was rolling.

Smoking with the Bible with the Bible.

Nuns

A was walking home one night in the Rocky Mountains of America. I'd gone there on a backpacking holiday, but I realised. It was time to Jack in backpacking Ohh ship.

It was boring.

So I thought I'm gonna get a lift.

Thought this I said to my mate **** backpacking, I'm getting a lift to the nearest town and I'm gonna get high and I took the last acid tub out of my rucksack. A double dipped strawberry. I took it out of the clingfilm, necked it and I. Stood by the side of those. So then I still called my phone.

Speaker 13

I was hoping for a lift.

On the road in the Rocky Mountains of America. Over the hill came a greyhound boss. What the boss? Saw me. He pulled to the stop, but the bus was.

They were on their way to anones convention. There were thin nuns. They were far. They were nuns with glasses.

There was nuns. With little mustaches, the boss was full of nuts. ******* trust my luck. So I sat at the back. Trying to mind my own business. Hoping the journey would be uneventful and that pretended. To be asleep while I started.

To come up on the. Acid one of them offered me a sandwich.

It was egg. Leave it out. Thank you, but.

Speaker

No, you're all right. And it was all going well on the bus.

Everything was fine. Start to slow into a nice vibe though. Actually this is better than backpacking. I'll just deal with this non non filled boss for a while till I get to the next town and get some. More drugs. Everything will be grabbed. For everything's just nice and calm right now. Then the driver died of a heart attack from the bus carrying from side to side. Nose was feeling it was. ******* with my reading all.

The nuns were screaming, screaming. But don't worry. I'll drive. I seen it on.

TV it doesn't look that dangerous. So I push the dead body of the. Driver to one side. I've got into his.

Seat and I wished he hadn't pleased himself. As he died but thought.

You could see the nuns are feeling positive and good. Save the nuns are feeling positive and good. I don't mind the **** on my pants. Then save the nuns even have a chance steering wheel off the bus. It can't be that dangerous. All I need to.

Do is prevent the nuns getting killed? And then I thought I haven't had any driving. Lessons and the bus crashed down. A ravine. All the nuns were killed and smashed to smithereens. The nuns were killed and maimed, smashed, burned on fire with broken glass. The nuns were killed and destroyed and killed. And compute.

But not me. I got off start free. There was not so much as a paper on me. Even the null the nuns have spent their. Lifetime praying to God every day. When it came down to the accidental crash of the bus, they were all destroyed, but not me. Oscar must have been because of my Saint Christopher medal. The one I got after my granddad died because he's the petrostate. I've tried other words. I looked at the nuns. They were all burnt and. Fried and the sheriff turned up and he said, what the hell happened here? So I said.

I don't know. I'm just walking past. My name's Mark McGee. I'm from Costco, I said.

I must have an accent. Is a muscle accent. And I sold it where? I lived, which was faster. And then I said I've got to. Go, lads. I'm.

Scottish and it's saying Andrew's there and. Your wife sucking the. Baby and I. Need to get back to.

So I decided never. To go on holiday again. The following year there was a really. Good deal on a trip to Nepal. I've always wanted to go there. I thought I might meet the Dalai Lama, or possibly.

Speaker

A Yeti.

So I went to Nepal to the Himalayan mountains. But it was ******* freezing. I couldn't get any ******* reception on my phone. There were no decent toilets. And it was less than ******* Glastonbury. I'm ******* hanging this ******* trekking holiday. I could do with the lift. So I'll put on my distress flares. They're a pair of flares. I only ever. Wear and I'm distressed. They are bright orange. You can see why. I don't wear them.

During my distress flares were spotted by a helicopter. He let down a rope ladder and a. Client on board. But the helicopter was full of nuts.

They were disabled. Nuns going to a disabled nuns convention. Disabled on top of. Mount Everest.

Just my ******* love. This another ******* vehicle full of nuns. What's the chances? I'll try and. Keep the head down this time. More heroics. And one of the.

Nuns offered me as a mother. But I wasn't hungry. So I said no, thanks, love. And it was. All going OK in the helicopter full.

Of disabled mums. I was just. Chilling out when the driver died, the pilot died. Of a heart attack. Not again. They got to side going upside down towards the volcano.

Screaming, screaming, screaming. I thought I must. Be dreaming.

Screaming, screaming, screaming. And it was ******* with my reading. They were terrified, I said. Don't really. I'll pile up the chopper.

How difficult can it be if the air team can? Do it. I felt like Mr. T.

As of course the dead body of the pilot. To one side thought how.

Hard. Can it be to? Pilot a helicopter.

Speaker

For a guy.

With involuntary movement and no helicopter train. What could go wrong? I thought roles I. Don't get stressed. Because that's when I tend to have these voluntary movements and seizures. I should be fine flying this helicopter full of disabled guns above this volcano should be grand, but then crash the helicopter into the volcano. All the guns. Killed again, burnt, fried, burned and killed. A man killed. Men killed, burned, mashed. Covered in broken glass and generally destroyed. But not me. I walked away Scott free in the wreckage. I even found a tarp and ******* thermal slice full of tea. Walked away from the burning. Helicopter the nuns were burning in the wreckage of the Helicon. Could see their faces twisted in internal agony, burnt to death. Oh drying their last.

Breath, even after all.

That lifetime of servitude to Jesus Christ and.

Speaker

I had never.

Chris: Been to mass since about 1981, but I thought so. Christopher metal. Let me Nana gave me. She said that we needed it. Most out of all. The family belonging to my granddad and he.

Chris: Started before him. Who was a travelling musician? OK.

Chris: Survived another disaster. For lennons the. Police came once and Louie guns said what you've been doing with their nuns. I said it were their fault. Anyway, my named Mark McGee live in Glasgow told. Him the address. And then. If I remember.

Speaker

And then.

Chris: I've got on the donkey and ****** off. See, it does go on long. That's the only the 1st 2 verses. That's why I didn't do it in a gig, but cause Tom asked for it. So many times I thought. Go on. Cause it's a small. Enough gig to get away with it, I think. What do you mean?

Chris: Just once. They want masala. Hope you won the whole Jerry sending them and won the ******* lottery. Ohh, well, I think young fathers will everything next the World Cup, Eurovision and that. I should put that around my face from 10 years ago. The lovely lucky *******. If you need all the me up right with the doorman, wouldn't you let me back and say that Scottish album of the Year? You mean you don't know me? You stole my idea. Album of the year album over here.

Speaker

I just.

Chris: Years ago today, The Beatles made the white. Album last year. Actually kill me is this leadership, that question, what's the problem? I had some problematic I somehow accidentally used my own accent. I don't see Glens and mountains I. Will wait more too romantic. But for maybe I can add a wee try. I can be 3/2. I would never. Leave you cause my postcode is G2. You should cross your eyes and Tees. Watch your peas and yours. And more DIY B&Q to fill out a form. On that day, I'll be seeing you. Come on, let me in your wee club. How can I be drunk up with the barrel and ballroom when they help me naked? 2 * 3 * 4.

**Mark: I don't care if you play for the LA Lakers. You're too drunk to finish your beer.

Chris: You don't know who it. Is I'm asking you to leave. Please, it's Jack of trades. The peoples champion. Never heard of you.

Speaker

Oh my God. Do you do go?

Chris: Yes, I am. Jackal trades. Ohh good. Can you settle this tab before you leave then? Finish my beer too drunk to finish my beer album of the Year. All Steve Jobs didn't.

**Guest: Your phone call.

**Mark: She called that radio. I don't know if Garry's may be. But we just watched Captain hot knives. Do the nuns song. That was for Tony.

**Guest: It was very simple life.

**Mark: Who? Who? Tone asked. For it repeatedly after, not they. Hadn't said it.

Chris: Gary, I love your Gary.

Speaker 10

Song, I think it's brilliant. Before you go, I just.

**Guest: Well, thanks very much.

Speaker 10

Want you to know. Absolutely love it. It's brilliant.

**Guest: All mine tool appreciate mine. Just just remark for bigging up all the time as well. Man just. Well, what I did?

**Guest: Keeping it going.

**Mark: What I did, Gary, what I did, Gary and and what? I think everyone else should do is watching the show is I just tagged everyone in my my Facebook that was called. Gary in the video that's that gave it a wee push because everyone was called Gary loved it and shared. It so everybody and also was thinking this other day, I know actually know about 5 garries that are artists or poets or musicians. So I think that one days very soon and you call that ready, we'll do a thing called a night of Garry's. And then we'll just get everybody tagged that song.

Chris: Is one of them, Gary Dunsire.

Speaker 10

It's one of them.

**Guest: I can practically.

Speaker 10

Got it.

**Guest: Play it on guitar. So where I can where I can, where I can learn that where I'm pretty close to learning on guitar?

Chris: Have you got a guitar?

Speaker 10

What's it called?

Chris: You have a guitar.

Speaker 10

What's the cards? Is it easy?

**Guest: It's it's submission by the the Sense pistols, but I just made. That's almost yeah.

**Guest: I just, I don't really. Know the code. But like. It's pretty straightforward, like it's the same, it's. Well, well, cabin.

Speaker

Not like your hand.

**Mark: Playing it in the base captain is playing on the base cellar. No, I was playing Gary. I'll put it I'll put. This all on. Put this all.

**Guest: On hello, captain. What nice person.

Chris: Yeah, because I was playing this afternoon.

**Mark: Although I know that. Yeah, you were married and you well. Well remembered the captain. OK, let's just try this together.

Speaker

Call Gary end of the line where the world.

**Mark: OK, so I'm not gonna use that because it's gonna be out of time, but maybe Gary, the ball is could could sing over captain hot knives? That'd be cool, that'd. Be an exclusive.

**Guest: I've tried. Let's go.

**Mark: It looks like we could use an exclusive thing. It might not work because of. The way, but let's try it.

**Guest: I'm gonna call Gary and if you like, Gary. It's too hard. I think the delay delay.

**Mark: What's not? What's happening? It's not what's happening, it's what's happening.

**Guest: I don't know if. You can hear you can hear.

**Guest: I could not look clear now, just I. I I would destroy. It and waste it for when I could. Play it. You know, I.

**Mark: Well, there's like that.

**Guest: Mean if I tried to play it now.

**Mark: What I think is happening with Internet is see for example stream yard. It's streaming's amazing by the way. It's done as well over the last year, but see, for example, if I talk in Petra talks at the same time. Time it it just cancels. Each other out, so I think. When you try to rub along. To it. You can't hear him playing guitar anymore.

**Guest: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bye.

**Mark: It's annoying. It's annoying. The winner, I mean, surely ******** it's 2021, comma, not just jam live. Imagine if if you could just have jams here on you, call that radio TV it would. Be good, yeah.

**Guest: I'm sure you'll be away on a sure.

**Mark: Mate mate, I've I've looked into it. I don't know if. Everybody's got very expensive equipment. You can do it, but it's like a lot of hassle and a lot of. Equipment. Equipment that we. Don't have because we. We are dealing with the underground who don't have any money. We've got comments coming in.

Chris: What are captain?

**Mark: What nice favorite stand up comedians and what were his early influences?

Chris: Billy Connolly. Bill Hicks. Emo Philips. When I wouldn't saw this guy, Mike Hardy. When I was a little kid and my mum took us to see him at Bradford, Alhambra and he was ******* her. So I loved him. He had a guitar as well. He was ******* cool. What was the other other question?

**Mark: Earlier, earlier influences.

Chris: I think the first thing that ever made me want to play a guitar was the Sex Pistols. I just wanted to play the bass. I thought if Sid Vicious can do it, I can. Do it if you don't have any. You know, knees until. I said I was.

**Guest: They should actually play it at all.

Chris: Well, four of the four is in the band for for you.

**Guest: He played, he played, he played the Iceland played the well, though it's a mission. That song, apparently. Apparently he tried to, he's played it, but apparently was the other guitar played it.

Chris: Yeah. Yeah. Steve Jones. Was, but I didn't know that. As a kid. I just thought I thought I I thought I wanna be that guy. He looks like he's having a good crack and he's not.

**Guest: I said this. He's soaked articled dead man. Said vicious. If you watch all the videos, he's so charismatic. Have you seen the one? He's been interviewed that he takes his top. It's weird as hell, man.

**Mark: I think he had too much good crack though. That's the problem, Danny says, shouting to Gary and all the amazing foragers gallery is reeking of free wild garlic.

Speaker

You need you need.

**Guest: Oh, yeah, actually, that's another like.

**Mark: Gary, you need to meet Danny. That'd be a good one. A dream team.

Chris: Danny. Danny.

Chris: Mark and let's go somewhere. Have you been on?

Chris: A television programme before that about foraging.

**Guest: Yeah, I've been on. I've been on a. Few but check this night.

**Mark: It's one of the best reported. Just in the world, one of the best.

Chris: A few months ago, I was at my mates House and I was really in a shift stay at myself at the time or. Just I was. Really ******* ill for a long time and still pretty ******. But like, she's stuck on a programme and. I swear it was you. On it, Scottish woods is it.

**Guest: Was it or was it in the woods? Saying that I made them cut out of mushrooms. Do not.

Speaker

That guy.

Chris: Yes, a guy. Yes, Gary.

Chris: At the very start of lockdown, I said this jokingly, mark, when like none of us have been. In at like well pandemic before. And I said, you know, all the pandemic movies and contagion movies, who always survives Scottish punks. We are the only people have survived Scottish punks like.

Chris: Well, you also captain you. Told me on the run that you've got a theory. You've got a theory of the close it.

Chris: Somebody bound to survive in Glasgow cause there's no bug. In the world that. Can have Glasgow know what?

**Mark: You told me, captain hot knives. You told me that you think that you've got a theory about COVID that it started at the Bristol punk scene.

Chris: Yeah. Yeah. Punk germs. I reckon somebody's dreadlock punched a microphone cover that. I've been humans in 1980. Particularly bad bout of like punk flu when it moved, dirtied through several cutting users and and one of them wet market and booking Wuhan.

**Mark: I swear that I read that non story in viz. Says Karen. Here man.

**Mark: You can date my dad's funeral, captain. Great songs. Banjo bass do you do? Are you available for funerals?

Chris: Well, I have some that some people's works, but actually like people have known. But it's really hard to do.

**Mark: Well, that's a good game. Must a good games. I must have fun, man. It introduces properly because Mark Mark's a. Good count.

Chris: And maybe the most thing did come out of this story.

Speaker

Somebody just put.

Chris: A comment that they thought they heard the. Story in face. Maybe that's where it came from and. It just, yeah.

**Guest: Do you know the song outcomes, Stanley, that? Actually, Andy came up that I hear from biz.

**Mark: Is that is true? Well, well, I played the gig way. So Garry's in a band called the Jackie Bites. And then I was. I didn't reset that well.

Chris: Want to check it right?

**Mark: And after the reset, the Jacobites, right, man, they've got album called the Worst Band in the world. And that's based on a review that I played that and it was the, the reviewer said they are the worst people in the world, the worst people in the world. And that's the name of the album. And I was.

Speaker

A bit.

Chris: Harsh, but it's a bit.

Chris: No, I got.

**Mark: I got a wee bit of a good review on it, they said, and then this guy came on and he seemed like he knew he was doing, but it went back down to an outcome. Stanley, it's a very controversial song. Not gonna play it tonight, but I think you'd like it. I think you'd like it. Captain, I've got. I've got.

Chris: Yeah, I think. We should do you know? If we all survive this.

Speaker

Do it.

Chris: I think I should just like I think I should just move to Glasgow you feel. How long?

**Mark: Mate, I'd love you to push. Me. Where are you?

Speaker 10

Oh, I thought you were. In Glasgow, you're in.

Chris: No, I wish.

Speaker 10

I'm in there. I'm on the East Coast near Tammy Minecrap.

**Mark: Cammie, who's on? Yeah, we'll, we'll, I'll tell you what, man. You know that you're always welcoming Glasgow. The people of Glasgow love you and you've already got your pals like James who will knit you a big Celtic scarf jumper anytime you need.

Chris: It that was my. That was my bus Carmel that made me that. Bumper and I gave it to him.

**Mark: Alright, you OK?

Chris: Well, I'm not. I'm not. Committed, I thought James was much bigger than what he was. And I give him his jumper. And he looked like a little teddy bear. Little Teddy bear lost inside it. You know, you remember people from when you passed anything big ******* like that, James. And then I give.

**Guest: There you go.

Chris: Him. I give him this. Jumper and it's not that he's that little, but. Simple with the way way. Big, but he's still.

**Mark: I've got the. I've got the picture, man, I've got. The picture so people can.

Chris: But my main Carmel next them. Jumpers, they're proper like.

Speaker 10

They're like hump jumpers, if they're. Stripping, they're like jumper.

Chris: No, no, no.

Chris: It's a great job, man.

Chris: But I'm releasing all pull, Camel went on the road with the damn, which was about 15 and all that.

**Mark: Tonsing, thank you for playing the nuns song.

Chris: Thank you for saying it. I've not dared seeing that for I do. Think I got a bit of. A knock on. The wall partway through it off, my next floor, but I don't know.

**Mark: Well, well, Mark says he would love you as a neighbour, so you're welcome in Glasgow anytime, mate. You're any camera says I'm far too buckled at the police mountain toilet situation in Glastonbury. That caught me off guard. A got a what was it? That we've read that one. So we've got, I skyped my Mamma police captain. That'd be a really good way to end it. I think we should do that and love Billy love, Billy Connolly sketch with Scottish regiments. That's true.

**Mark: Freaking out Afghani smoking hash March and playing the bagpipes. Bob Campbell wants glue. Another captain hot knives. Classic. Country program on BBC says Tam Pam, how you doing Tam hope you're. Well, I will see you this week. And racist animals, Captain T says tone. So I think you got. The choice between.

Chris: I'm gonna have to. Do that is, if it's alright with you, mark. I think would it be alright to come back? Sooner than another year.

**Mark: Yeah, mate, I'd love to do this. Once a month, I think.

Chris: Yeah, like, again, because I could see a lot of the other songs in the next one cause what's happened to me today is I'm doing alright with it. But you.

**Mark: You've done brilliant, man.

Chris: Know the the.

**Mark: You've done amazing.

Chris: Backs of my lungs are. Proper hurting me now and I'm.

**Mark: Yeah. OK, well.

Chris: Just. I'm not. I'm I'm. Reading out a bit of steam now.

**Mark: OK, man.

Chris: Being on this show for about four hours. Stop light.

**Mark: No, it's more than that, man. It's midnight. It's after midnight. It's like 7555 and 1/2 hours. No, it's not past elections.

**Guest: No, it's not after.

**Mark: And ma'am, I'm sorry, I've. Not I've not, I've not.

Chris: How long is this time? Plenty left. OK, well, well.

**Mark: Do you have? Do you have? Do you have I? Skype my Mama left in. You or will we? Will we do something else to finish it?

Speaker 10

For another song, if you want.

**Mark: Petra will do another song while you think about it, Petra.

Chris: Take it away. Take it.

Speaker 10

Away, Petra. This is a song about my friend called Donnie and I was walking down the town one day and I saw him and he didn't see me and he was. Looking, he was in the record store. And he was talking to himself. But in a really. Angry way. But he didn't see me and. I saw him.

Chris: Little Donny, take a walk downtown. He keeps his head to the.

Speaker 10

Ground because he's trying not to think out. Loud shades on his head is.

Chris: Taking like a time bomb. He's a dream. He lives in the woods where the boat.

Speaker 10

Went on narrow and a.

Chris: Quiver like a real Robin Hood. That's traps kills in the kill zone. Four sets traps he. Kills in the kill zone. Johnny, don't go to war. Don't do what Donny wanna do. No, Donny, don't. Go to war. Don't do what Donny wanna do. No, no. We live in the fast lane. Kills when we can't see. We're packing rockets hang guns. We lived in the fast lane kill zone. You can see we're popping bullets and bombs. We live in the fast lane kill zone. When your days.

Speaker

Were just a.

Chris: Walk in the park pack. And Scooby snacks in case the Mad Dog fart to you. Then you could.

Speaker 10

Bring them to.

Chris: Heel and head home. You're better off. Baby chilling in your chill zone. Tony, don't go to war. Don't do what daddy wanna do. Put the gun back under the floorboards. Boy, this is not the time to get serious. We live in the fast lane, Killzone. We can see we're packing rockets and guns. We live in the fast lane, Killzone. You can see we're popping bullets and bombs. We live in the fast lane kill zone.

Chris: When your days.

Chris: Were just a walk in the hill. With a bag of cheap pills, you go looking for the big breakthrough. What's new? Kicking in the space-time zone. Then we could warp the space-time. Donnie, don't go to war. Don't do what daddy wanna do. Put the gun back under the floorboards. Boy, this is not. The time to get serious. We live in the fast lane Killzone. You can see we're piping rockets and guns. We live in the fast lane, kills all we can see. We're popping bullets and bombs. We live in the fast lane kill zone. We're all living in the fast lane, kills home.

Speaker 10

That was the song about my friend Donnie, who was going crazy in the Perth High Street. It's one of my best friends. And what else can I tell you about that? I was going to the. Yeah, no fish pecking at like like Mom. Mark, mark.

**Mark: Mark is not when the market's not done a Shiite. In about a year.

**Guest: Alright, that's funny. When you you leave, you stuck there. You don't. Know where you're like.

**Mark: No, the shift in a year.

Speaker 10

I know I'm usually interrupting. And butting in. And then then you. Get it? And you're.

Speaker 10

Like ah, what was that again?

**Mark: Mark says nice one petrocanada emojis, but love.

Speaker 10

Thanks mark.

**Mark: Talking to yourself, sometimes only time you can get a sensible. Conversation my mum. Told me that.

Speaker 10

That's what my granny.

Speaker

Used to say.

**Mark: Don't start that **** you're wrapping up. It's early. Yes. Petra Eshchar says by the way, that a great sense of captain Hot night songs and counted 104 unique captain Hot Knife Songs on YouTube. So cheers for all the laughs, 100. And four mate. 104 songs. That is found on.

Chris: Could could. Could I ask to send send me a link to that? Cause that. What happens to me is the best ones I ever do. They only happen once. Like you're being a magic moment in your party with just a few people and. You go off on a little. Or train for and it also do gigs with. I wish I could get her to come on the show with us. Should I ask her? I I do a double act sometimes. With my mates.

**Mark: The fat Panthers.

Chris: No, I was thinking of Jess to let Sarah.

**Mark: Tourette's hero.

Chris: Because what we do is cause we've both got ******* ticks and involuntary things. That's what we say, but we set each other off really badly but it, but I turn it into songs while it's happening.

**Mark: Yeah, alright.

Chris: I've got this song called Bob The Amazing Sheepdog. And then when I first met Jess, she's come came up to us and she's like chipping in. Bits. Her, her. Ticks started to contribute to the song and she started going on about bears bears in spandex in bed with. Your mum's verse where Bob coming back? Home and his mum was in bed with all these bears and he's like what? Mum, you've been in shame and family. But like go to get me. And her could get on here, Mark.

**Mark: You know.

Chris: Rivers are going to say, and we can't rehearse, cause we've got. Turrets. So you're. You're logically incapable of ever doing anything to say them twice.

Speaker 10

It sounds like a winning. Concept to me.

**Mark: Captain, you're. You're welcome any any time. OK.

**Mark: Anytime on the show. Please don't make it a year, man. Can't handle it I want.

Chris: Not on purpose really. I did get really sick.

**Mark: I know you got sick. You got your long COVID just just a wee shout. Out to people who think that. Covid's not real.

Chris: Worse, I got wide COVID worse than long COVID markets working.

**Mark: Wait, wait. This ****.

Chris: Like wide, it's broad. It's broader than Broadway.

**Mark: And captain, what names? Ladies and gentlemen, I think we should give him a round of applause. And if you enjoyed Captain Wattage tonight, you should also go and download his stuff on the van. I'm gonna put a wee advert up for that, captain. dot band. Camp dot. You're you're an inspiration to us all, man. And I'm so glad that you're getting wet. You're getting better. You're getting well. You've been very ill after long COVID or wide COVID, Broadway, COVID or whatever you caught you've done. You're it's good to see you coming out the other side, man. We love you so much. And everyone watching this does as well and. I don't know they will be finishes. Ice tank. My Nana I think. But if you've got the energy to.

Chris: Do that.

Speaker 10

Is that?

Chris: I've got another one. I've got another one before that.

Speaker 10

Captain, have you COVID have you? Had your COVID job, captain.

Chris: Yeah, it was only a year after catching it.

**Mark: But is it has it? Has it improved your Wi-Fi? Is Bill Gates is Bill Gates. Following you around.

Chris: Phone number for asking now.

Speaker 10

I got my appointment today.

**Guest: Hey, mark. Office, my first one.

Chris: I'm glad you got.

Speaker 10

It you don't look old enough, Daddy.

**Guest: Just to say that they did it. Don't know why.

**Mark: Well, well, Garry's got his own issues going on. He gets, he gets, he jumps secure. Don't judge someone based on their age is what I'd say. OK.

Chris: Woman and she used to be the Northern Ireland secretary. She was working back in the day to get people into the peace process. No more. I know woman that she used to be another, my little secretary. Even though she was ill and she knew she's gonna die, still hung around with the wrong man and she helped him that Friday at me. When there was a little boy, when when he left his next door with the bike chapter and there are different cigarettes, different cigarettes to him in the cigarettes, I noticed that they were quite different. She left us every day with the bikers next door while she went cleaning pubs in the afternoon. She was a. Poor mom. She did have no cash, no. She was on.

Chris: The boom. And notice that the bike has smoked different cigarettes. In fact, they seem to make theirs. In a different way, they're all rolled up. They just seem to roll. They just seem to roll. These three reasons are little per while and after they've been smoking them all day and they were always hungry. They're always really and we'd always watch scooby-doo. But they've. Ruined it when Scrappy Doo came in. Do you know why they did that, Mrs. Signed a deal with Hanna Barbera. To take the Leech the last 20 minutes, happiness off of working class children. That was it. That was. One happy bit you had all week. And then Scrappy Doo turns up like ******* Ian Paisley on a ******* coming down, banging on about ******* how good he was at boxing. And **** ***, you little punk.

Speaker

Strange food about. You called that. Thank you.

Speaker

You called them.

**Guest: The only person.

Chris: I hate scrappy Doo. Strap it. In like.

Chris: Ohh can you play the scooby-doo? It's perfect.

Speaker 10

In tune for.

**Mark: The scrappy do I? I don't. I don't understand the hate, but I like the hate. I like the hate the I like the fact that people hate him. I think I was. Too young, I think that Scrappy Doo was always. Part of scooby-doo in a. Weird way for me.

Chris: Ohh it's a you humans 3 scratching theirs.

**Mark: Yeah, right.

**Guest: Yeah, both. I was like.

Chris: There was both both.

**Guest: Wait, let me let me.

**Mark: Gary, Gary.

Chris: Got it, got it.

**Mark: Gary, would you like to do a wee poem before? Before, captain. What knives closes the night with which we assume he's gonna be ice skate? We've got lots of comments coming in saying well done, Captain. Round of applause. Cool base. Look forward to seeing this one live. Got my first Jag a week today. Got my first on Sunday. Gubbed on Monday. And Tuesday when you get off a bloody. Take it so good. This is Mark and and this has made my night. I have to admit, thanks for the lift. I'm glad that everyone's enjoying the show tonight. It seems like most people tuned in and lots of people whatever make money. If one person said up the patron just one person, it's patreon.com forward slash. You call that radio. And we don't have any adverts, don't have any sponsor, don't any funding. It's if you want to keep it going. That means that if someone signs up tonight, that means someone else's skin can just. Jump out and it continues. I've got.

Speaker 10

Gary, in your mind you've got. I've got.

**Mark: No, you you paid for the. Year before, you were an annual subscriber. So you're alright till November. You're alright.

Speaker 10

Ohh cool cause. Yeah, because I remember I had PayPal trouble and then I went on to the credit card thing and then I went to PayPal.

**Mark: You saying that for the other? You were a you were an annual subscriber, although you did delete it, which is stupid because now you might miss out in the raffles because it raffles.

Speaker 10

No, I'm gonna reinstall. I'll. Reinstall it, it's fine.

**Mark: It doesn't mark. Petra, I appreciate you for supporting the show. I appreciate everyone supporting the show. Honestly, there's no way that we could have done. This without people throwing. A couple of quid a month because otherwise I was ****** and there's no way that I could get the green screen that isn't working the night but. The camera, the. Computer, it's all people power that's made this happen and hopefully everyone's. Found some goodness or found a new artist at the last year? What it's all about. And I I love these all things much.

Speaker 10

Good stuff.

**Mark: Yeah, it's. I definitely think that we're we're doing better. We're doing something and I and I'm glad that everyone's. Then Gary, do you have a thing you could do for before it's before me do the the final captain.

**Guest: Trying to allow. I don't. I don't. I don't think I've finished it. But like, I'll try it anyway. Just a small.

Chris: I'm not a small home.

**Mark: It'll be good. Will be good money.

**Guest: They when I finish, I'll say that's it.

**Mark: Who got it?

**Guest: It's called fate. It's ********, mate. Honestly, fate. It's made day-to-day. No set pathy fate. It's wherever we could. Hey, fate. So you were meant to be. So you were meant to be here today. Listening, baby, go away now. Come back to me. Fate. Your body's guided by your mind. Maybe. No, it's not.

**Mark: Amazing, Gary. Rolling stock.

**Guest: Let me do it. I've got I've got. A tiny bee short. One that I like.

**Mark: Go for it. Go for it, man. Take your. Time do something.

**Guest: No, it's. I can see it. Just called fate. Ohh fight. There's fight. It's there taking my fat body around. It's in me taking energy from somewhere and taking my fat body around. That's that one.

**Mark: One question I want to ask. You is. It's interesting that you've had your vaccine when, a year ago, everyone was calling you paranoid and mental and all that stuff when you were saying covid's real. So why is it that you are? Well, you took the faction. Basically, I'd be just interested to. Hear your opinion on that.

**Guest: I don't know. They just ask me. I was wanting my dad to get it. No, I mean my dad got it. I think my brothers get my brother. Just got it there on Thursday, but I'm he's older than me. I don't know why they just asked if I want to get it and I and I said yeah. No, man.

**Mark: So you don't think that Bill Gates is putting microchips? On us to to. May get boost their Wi-Fi signal or anything like that.

**Guest: No chance. No, I don't. I don't think anything like that. No, no conspiracy theorist. You know, I mean, I just.

Chris: They said they said a year.

**Mark: Ago they were saying you were the conspiracy theorist. This is why I find it really interesting.

**Guest: No. What what happened was. I would just sort of like poisonous gas escaping and if you didn't put a. Mask on you can you. Get away for this poisonous gas and and and. And all the. All the time I was in hospital and all the time I came out, I kind of figured that and everybody was wiped in their shopping and I was. Winded in my? Shopping and I was being mega careful. And I still I still I'm mega careful. No, I mean, I was telling everybody know, he touched their face. And I hated seeing people touch their face. No, I mean but. I definitely didn't over over 40, but it was better to be safe than sorry. I was thinking at the time. Let's just be safe and stop everything. I was. I was. I was buying. One in the in that. First show you know what I mean. You're buying.

**Guest: Kids that were so.

**Mark: It's it's. It's like if you watched the back the first show we Gary was on and you know Gary was on. The show before. Then they did a show live at the. Hospital and you were buying one man? I mean, that's it. I mean, obviously overthinking is is a is, is, is dangerous as well. But at the same. Time what you said was bang on.

**Guest: Yeah, I couldn't see why he was just saying, wash your hands. At first there was like no one then they then there was a. The they they were. Still having the football and they. Were still having the Cheltenham Gold Cup. And I used to lived in Cheltenham. And the member. But it was like. You know what I mean? The streets. Were lined to all these shows of. People coming down. It so I was really paranoid. But I don't know but. But but I was I was delusional in lots. Of other ways, no, I mean, but.

**Mark: Yeah, yeah, man. But we'll carry. It's absolute pleasure to have you back the other night, man. And it's so good that your poetry. Please do check out Gary the ******** on YouTube in band camp. And thank you, Petra, for joining us as well tonight. It's been great to speak to you, Petra. Any final words before we get captain hot knives to close the show. Any final words, Peter?

Speaker 10

I've had a great time meeting you guys hanging out, you know. It's just like the real thing, almost like the real thing.

**Mark: Almost not the real thing. Thank you very much, Petra. And we're gonna finish with a captain. Hot knives song. Thank you so much, Captain. Thank you, Gary. Thank you, Petra. Thank you all all the night everyone is.

**Guest: Thanks. Thanks.

**Mark: I've I've really enjoyed it and it it feels like it's been a a long year, but it feels good that to see it's all alive and well and everyone's doing good and then thank you Carrie. Thank you, Petra. Thank you. Everyone has tuned in tonight as well. Thank you to all the patrons. We could not do it without you, and we're going to leave it with the captain. Hot knives. It's his night. And it's saying we're gonna finish a song. I think he's got a song ready for his. Captain, take it away to to close the. The year a year it's been a year. Been a year. Thanks for it's coming back.

Chris: Opt in message. You talk he's amazing.

Chris: He's a genius. He could do things, but the sheepdogs could not do.

Chris: He could do things he was good. With a pool cue, he. Was a pool shark. He was a bull shark sheepdog. He was a sheepdog with the skills. Are playing against a Pearl, he. Bought all the. Rules he was. Looking cool, he was genuinely he was. He was amazing, sheepdog. Things other she just would not.

Chris: Do he could do predictive text. He could look at a piece of cannabis resin. Chop off 3.5 grams. Exactly. Blindfold with one.

Chris: Behind his back. He was the man, he said. He was the. Man, that she.

Chris: Took what his main source of income was. His pool sharks scum. And he was very good.

Chris: Andy went into Skipton on the Wednesday when the farmers were in spending their. And he challenged him to a game of pool, and the farmers thought he's. A ********. He's a ******* dog. You'll never win. And he let them win. A few lightful shots too. Life contracts to you. Optimizing. Optimizing, she took, he let the farmers win all the games, and then he said, pretending to be ******, pretending to be ******, he said, let's put £20.00 on the last frame, farmers. Laughed at 1:00. He thought he. Was a nut.

Chris: Underestimated, which is what he wanted.

Chris: To do. He let them pop. After stripes. And he ate all of them. Then he sold. Them back took the. £40 he.

Chris: Ran off the back. Some lovely rocks of crack. Up to amazing, she talk. You could do things. You had a number of. Housing benefit claims. In a number of sheepdog names. He had his paws in more chicken coops in the past and preached about one day the farmer came home, he came home and on the table there was just a note. In Scratchy looking paw writing. Look like the.

Chris: Poor writing. Off a border collie.

Chris: Regret that now it was from Bob. And he said. Dear farmer. Two amazing for you have two amazing you taught me too well my friend. I've got your passwords. I've got your bank card. I've got your keys to your Range Rover and that's. My wife. Now I'm ******** her. Leg and now I'm shaking my leg.

Chris: She looks me shaking her. Like she looks so like.

Chris: Popped in and said. Pop the devious. She took up the whole interest. Where the rebellious, she told he.

Chris: Rebelled against the farmers that he was an animal.

Speaker

He had not teach me.

Chris: They took the farmer's Range Rover and. Drove it into. The pond, while being filmed by a duck.

Chris: For duct tube it got 20. Zillion hits on duck tube but became a. Duck millionaire. He was paid in feathers and he used the feathers. To make a built so warm. To sleep on Ben Nevis on the 3rd of December and. He was an. Amazing Sheep dog the things he could do. Quite amazing. Like you could get potassium. You could add it to nitrogen. Fling it in the bin. Stuff like that. He was clever.

Chris: They weren't like N for king. Labrador wasn't amazing. Orbit audio.

**Mark: Captain, thank you so much tonight.

Speaker 10

I listen. I I knew. A sheep dog who played. Pool. It was actually you. Know I was named dropped Robin with Evans because. He's a friend. Of mine but his.

**Mark: Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Is that even wrong? The name dropped. You call that Lady.

**Mark: While we're on Robin.

Speaker 10

Evans I wanted to say to Gary, because Robin's really into his foraging up at teapot. You know, they're they're they're building their. Before that.

**Mark: Robin made Robin made dodgy album. He made the view album he he makes it. He also. Yeah, no, you need me. You meet here, Robin. There's a good guy, good guy.

Speaker 10

He loves his collaging.

**Mark: Comments coming in.

**Guest: Yeah, we we like the show when Mark comes up.

Speaker 10

Received all the playing pool. I've seen it.

**Mark: You've seen it done. Talk again.

**Mark: Amy says good night, everyone. Thank you, Amy, for tuning in. This show should not stop caps off. It is going to stop very soon, mark, thank. You for the. Last year, you've been a genuine life saver. Louise and myself appreciate it more than you ever know. Looking forward to seeing you, our first gig. We'll see you in the real world soon, hopefully very soon. Fantastic Entertainment Tonight and chat, thank you very much. Why do we need to go to bed? Than now more.

Chris: I know.

Chris: Could we sell?

Chris: Good short.

Chris: Could we sell, do one more song?

**Mark: Yeah, well, it's your night, man. You could do. What you want? You're you're in charge.

Chris: We're not that I. Know, Captain, he's a night. I'm a night.

**Mark: Owl so excited for sweet Rogue. Yes, we shout out to that sweet rogues gonna be playing on Saturday live and you call that radio. We've got an amazing lineup. We've got. We've got this. We've got Esperanza. Whenever wakes first ever gig album launch with Tom McGuire and the brass Soles bringing the funk, we've got ******* and Venus bringing the fun we've got Loki kid robotic sweet rogue, Suzanne Carpenter, Stevie Creed, Johnny side for Big Fat Panda and Bombscare are gonna play the specials debut album start to finish. That's this Saturday free on this YouTube channel. Make sure you hit subscribe. On the on YouTube, if you're if you're tuned in, hit subscribe, hit the notification Bell and you, you will get to see all that stuff on sale. And then, captain, what knives to finish the night? What have you got for this?

Chris: We're ******* woken up now, aren't I?

**Mark: 5:00 to 6:00 PM that's correct. It's 5. Well, well, I'm here. Are you?

**Mark: I've, I've, I've. I've only got one small beer left. So that's the only problem.

Chris: Ohh mark. Ohh mark.

**Mark: I've ruined it. I just thought. I thought it'd be over. But then what?

Chris: With just one pound a day, you could help a Glasgow man. You got drinking water and the children are young as eleven are forced to drink cheap lager. It's for three.

**Mark: Pound a month for £3.00 a month.

Chris: But for £1.00 a day, you could improve that lager to perhaps a range boom 8.5 something nice. Not much.

Chris: Oh my God, just cuddling you.

Speaker 10

Right now, it's too funny.

**Mark: I dream of arrangement. I I dream of Angie Boom. If you want any support the show. For you.

**Mark: Seriously, there's a few years out there. That are on follow. He's getting free money for sitting you, your ****. And if you are one of those people, then it's £3.00 a month, patron.com forward slash. Not radio. Not one person signed up tonight, even though we would more views tonight than they normally get. So come on, someone sign up. And if he's not, if if someone signs up, I will give them a free T-shirt. Call that radio T-shirt, and I call that radio mug. Someone signs up that.

Mark: And Mark says a meet bill. I met Bill Bailey at the Fringe and shake his hand passing my joint. Is that a name drop? That is a name drop that is. The name drop. What knives? I'm gonna get my last small beer. It's only small beer. I've got one. One small beer. I'm gonna go and grab that for the fridge. So would you mind I'm.

Guest: Go get a wait, wait.

Mark: Just gonna go. I'm gonna.

Guest: Talk amongst yourselves.

Chris: Well, you know well Max's out and everything.

Guest: Yeah, go on.

Chris: I can reassure you I did not steal Lancones capoor.

Guest: Well, I think capitals. Are a bit like lighters. Disposable lighters, you. Know they they. Just they disappear and they come around and. Nobody really owns. Do we really own any?

Mark: Let me pull this small beard in a glass because these currents aren't paying me to promote their ******* their ship beer. Also, there's no sponsors, there's no adverts, there's no funding. This is a this is powered by the people. So thank you to all the patrons who do support this show. It's like you got it.

Chris: Weird song that I made about this came off a story these guys told me in. Glad you. It's good fun with the Andy Boys on the way to.

Chris: He told me tales of smokeless Bolt and after smokeless. Locked it safe behind big walls and steel gates.

Speaker

Face that day.

Chris: And one night hold you. Let's said, I'm off to get the truck and.

Mark: They thought he.

Chris: Could not succeed. They wished him best.

Speaker

Of luck.

Chris: He took a smaller, smaller truck and pressed.

Chris: Him to the gate.

Chris: Instead forwards gradually embanked the.

Mark: Steel plates.

Mark: He crawled beneath the fence into the Army base.

Chris: He found the.

Mark: Truck that the. Army took and he drove him from.

Chris: I hope you all stay free.

Chris: I hope you will have all the love.

Chris: There you go.

Speaker

You want, where do you want it? OK.

Mark: If you don't really know that radio, radio, radio, TV.

Mark: Building a hang.

Guest: Hey, ma. Hey, ma. Speaking of building and. Then you know when you had Gil poor.

Guest: Aaron yeah. I think she was. Really into doing more things with you, that's the that's the feeling I got. I think she wanted to come on again.

Mark: Yeah, well, well, I've actually. I have invited onto another thing. I can't talk about that just now.

Guest: I sent.

Mark: This case go on the captain's excellent. Someone's asking. Do you not make money from YouTube views or corporate or something? No, but the YouTube money is we only get monetized in December, so. After a year. Of doing this for **** all YouTube is now paying us about A5 or a month or something. It's like 30 quid we've made since December. So it's not. There's no YouTube money in it at this level, so that's that's the question. The way we make money is paid for and that's that's my income because I can't play live gigs or. Organise live gigs or work for festivals or do workshops. I can't do anything I normally do, which is why I started this and the only people that have given me any income as the patron. So I love you patrons. Thank you so much. Michael says happy anniversary. You call that radio happy? Happy anniversary to you, Mikey. Thank you for being a supporter. And Ross Winter says 8 times double. Dutch definitely, Petra, says Paul. Danny says. I got my Jag now. I think my name's 5G. That's Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary.

Guest: ******* tune.

Speaker 11

Gary, Gary, you.

Mark: Know I do. You know you. You, you, you. Do realise it's an anthem, didn't you? Everyone loves it.

Guest: It's a ******* hit.

Speaker 11

It's too hot.

Speaker

The next one.

Mark: Is a ******* handsome. I want everybody to go away, yeah.

Mark: Come on. Can you tell me a little bit?

Guest: About your dream. Cause I know it was quite important to you.

Mark: Well, it's not really that important to me, but I had a dream last night where the word the numbers 27 and the number 77 were in my head, so I was. I think vaguely I was looking around for the #27 and 77 and I couldn't find them. And then like. All day it struck me. Now my dreams disappear. All day was like 27 and 77. So there was a. So for example there was a, there was a horse wearing number. 27 to I definitely would. Put money on it. But I'm. Just trying to find out what the 27 the 77 meant. Apparently, 27 in numerology means florante. Maybe so, maybe. Maybe it's a sign that we're going to get 227 patrons tonight, but I doubt it's not. It wouldn't patron tonight. But it doesn't mark anything. This is free. No point in this. It's free for everyone to. View But if you want to support it then you can it's page run.com/you call that radio and I thought we were wrapping up but it looks like. The captain's got another song. What is?

Speaker 10

My, my, my phone, my phones going down.

Speaker

Like mad. It's gonna cut any settings but.

Speaker 10

If I disappear, that's high.

Mark: Gary, Gary, it's been a pleasure to speak to you, man, you've went sideways, so I'm just gonna let.

Speaker 10

I'm not being there.

Mark: You go, Gary. You're an absolute legend, so good to see you.

Guest: Bring it on it keep writing the.

Mark: Head keep writing hot. Just keep writing. Keep making that good food. Keeping that good music, keeping that good poetry. Your Gary, I'll see you soon. And then there was three.

Guest: So I.

Guest: Was going to say.

Mark: Go for it, Captain. Take it away.

Chris: We're back in the beginning. Back in 1955, man didn't know about rock'n'roll show.

Speaker 10

And all that.

Chris: Why not to smoke Blues? And it was proper confusing. Nobody knew what haircut to have. 70s so I didn't really have a song though, but I I could. I could do a song. Though I've got a song right? So that somebody. Saw somebody's comment saying that's not the normal type of song about Crossmaglen, it just came from being there a couple of years ago. Being in a family with these lads and they told me this tale about the guys nicking their own lorry, back off the arm. I thought that is ******* quality. Going in an Army base and getting your own lorry back. Thought that is. Proper ********. So it turned into a song. But anyway, I can think of a few other songs if you can bother to stay away at Mark, you've only got one small beer. I'm a bit worried about Mark now. With only one small beer in the gaff, that's not looking good. My name is Mr. I'm from the bread marketing board. There's a question that I need to.

Mark: Ask can you?

Chris: Help me out with the marketing to ask. Are you into bread? Are you in to? Tell me maybe what you like. To spread, I'll offer your crude bits seem. Nice warm toast. Which bread products do you like the most? Maybe like a buttered bun?

Mark: Maybe you like crumpy stick.

Chris: Maybe just need it too quick. Maybe you eat it till you're sick. Maybe you eat.

Speaker

It till you're.

Chris: Are you? It's bread. Are you eat bread? Tell me, baby.

Speaker

What you like?

Chris: Do you get your backside front of your man? You have questions? With your mum.

Speaker 12

Black bread to.

Chris: Dip in your soup. Are you into bread with your?

Speaker

Family group.

Chris: Are you into bread with your family group? Right. That's good that I saw that. That's two then. And name is Mr. I'm back from the bread marketing board. There's a question I still need to ask. Please help me out with the marketing task. You need to break, are you interpret? Are you into bread? Do you love your bread? I love my bread to. Eat the bread. Eat bread that you found me. Brothers and sisters having bread for tea, do let soldiers to dip in your. Egg do you like?

Speaker 10

It all are you into bread bread.

Chris: Listens to a word I've said.

Mark: Amazing staff.

Guest: Had some great planning right there, that's that's some of my favorite punning.

Mark: I just want I just want to give a. Shout out to patrons. From no patrons to to patrons, I want to give a shout to Amy Douglas sub to the. We'll give a shout to Karen, a patron. We've got two new patrons tonight. That's amazing, man. I mean, that is amazing. And also if you check your patron you should have like songs and all sorts of bonus material. If you've not got it then send me a message. Also, I think I did promise a mug or a T-shirt to one of these. I'll send you some free shirt as well because we really appreciate it. It's like the whole point of this is like there's no paywall. So if you're in everyone, you're going to enjoy the show for free, but if you're. Getting wait worry with money then £3.00 **** sake £3.00 stick it in. It's a price. You a pint? A month and we do a lot. We do a lot here. 260 shows we've done short films, documentaries, music, videos, audio, podcast. We're not lazy, we're not lazy. And you call that radio. That's.

Mark: Now the Lord.

Guest: Works hard, man.

Chris: Right.

Guest: It's it is all.

Mark: We work. We work here when I say. We I mean me, captain hot knives. Already started playing.

Chris: Excuse me, mayor. Excuse me, ma'am.

Speaker

Excuse me.

Speaker 11

Matt excuse.

Chris: Me, Matt. While it is right.

Chris: I just need. A pound. I just. Need a pound? A pound towards building my time machine or one building that. I'm building a time machine. I just need some parts The Time Machine. When I build time machine, I'm going to go back in time. 24. When I had some.

Chris: And then I'll pay some money back. I'll give. You the car back.

Chris: She'll give us pound out. Excuse me. Excuse me, Matt. Excuse me, Matt.

Speaker 10

Excuse me, Matt, if you.

Chris: Could give us a pound. That would be sound. What it is now. I've been building my time machine, but all the funding got tooken away. The funding got put onto the Large Hadron Collider, who needs a Large Hadron Collider when they could have had a ******* time machine. I was going to open a time travel. Time share. You could spend 2 weeks in any time period in history for a pound using my time machine technology. But before I could finish off my research, tragically, I developed more than a passing interest in recreational pharmaceuticals and now find are needing a pound on a. More regular basis. So if you could give the pound, that would be sound. Come on. Excuse me. Mate, what it is right?

Mark: If you give me.

Chris: A pound today I will give you.

Chris: A pound on.

Chris: Tuesday, I promise I. Will, I'll meet you outside the bus station on. Tuesday with that. Pound if you could. Sort of out with pound that would be.

Speaker 10

I would be sound. Yeah, no fish video. Radio. Radio.

Mark: You call that radio.

Speaker 13

Quit while you're ahead. Keep going on your ******* up. Don't click while you're ahead. Keep going up your ******* up. Don't clip while you're ahead. Keep going on your ******* ******* right. On the road, A10 foil and a microwave. So lazy.

Speaker 12

So much while we get so crazy enough. Cold in the eye. Keep going.

Speaker 13

Computer game. 24.

Speaker 12

That's a Monday, January. You walk away, but wireframe and share the blame. Shame you never know unless you play. History is kept in me. What they hate you. OK, baby? Message me. Take your break or over stay. Build a wall and make them fade until a race of teams to say, come on my dreamy ticket. Sincerely, January. Keep going. Go away.

Speaker 13

Go where are you ******* ******* **** you.

Mark: You call that failing failing. Baby show. Most every night, every night, every night, it's going to be streaming live streaming, life streaming live. Baby show. Almost every night, every night. To be streaming live streaming live streaming live.

Speaker

Ah, it's Patrick and.

Chris: I don't have a.

Mark: Yeah, go on.

Guest: Time machine reminded me of this, and I haven't played it for 100 years, so I would like to play it just cause it's about The Time Machine thing, but it's quite mellow, so I'll do a mellow, mellow thing a bit, and I'm going to look at the.

Guest: So that.

Guest: Chords a little bit just because.

Chris: It's a long, long waste of. Time. If you don't know. You never talk to. Moment with the cheapshark in your. It's a waste of time. It never ends. To climb up your plastic time machine and close the door everything you need. And don't take the rejection personally. Bless your your hand. Grains of sand.

Mark: You think you've got a life? Think again.

Chris: It's a way of light. It never rains. Plastic time machine and close the door. Need to draw the screen. Don't take the injection personally. Miss you? Plastic time machine.

Speaker 12

She takes off.

Guest: Come back, come back. Nearly said myself to sleep there.

Speaker

So it's various ****.

Speaker 11

And he prescribed me. A tame machine which is part of my dream and he frustrated.

Speaker 12

A train machine with the Magic Watch.

Mark: On his wrist with.

Speaker 11

The laser beam.

Speaker 12

He saves the story back for you unless you go. Rocking, Dave, you can't bring Wayne and then you can comment on it over and over again with your lucky. And hopefully you'll never have to watch again, not to say. Amen, grace. It's too lifeless life.

Speaker 11

It's too lifeless.

Speaker 12

And he frustrated me. A tame machine was decided to talk to us as part of my dream, and he betrayed me machine with the Magic Watch.

Speaker

All that.

Speaker 12

Please try again.

Mark: Brothers and sisters, may the.

Speaker 11

Peace that can only come from.

Speaker 10

The one God be upon you.

Speaker 12

We are here to tell the people that we hear.

Speaker 10

You some God will not allow us and people of.

Mark: He joins.

Mark: Mute, mute, mute.

Mark: That was missing prescription.

Guest: Isn't that funny that we all had time machine songs?

Mark: Go work in Michigan.

Chris: Moment full of Rocco, Mr.

Guest: That was so I could fall asleep to. That that's so good, man.

Chris: It's good, I've learned this years and years ago and it's quite good to do music with no lyrics to for people to zone out to. You know during this. Horrible thing cause I've been really ******* sick. But like, sure no worse than. A lot of other people, but.

Mark: What about a bit worse than most people?

Chris: Well, one of the things I. Want to was these little repetitive little riffs? Because I couldn't do lyrics for ages, I couldn't do it. I'm only just starting again. I've done this, but the third time I've tried to do something involving words in about a year.

Mark: Cause like as.

Chris: Most of my looms came. I came out of my ******* mouth last April. It was ******* grim. And they're not right. It's like I can feel the I can actually feel that the smaller inside and my voice is higher and weird, like see when I was really ******. The one thing that kept me head straight was playing these. Little riffs these. Pixie music.

Guest: Yeah, I came into quite a.

Mark: Few of your lives.

Chris: And I ended. Up because I. Had to sort of, like teach myself how to play. It's had really bad fever for a long time and it was, I think it my brain was swelling up inside my head. I was like delirious, was hallucinating and seeing dead relatives in my house and. All sorts of ****. And then when I tried to pick up instruments, I could, I couldn't. So I had a bit of time. I couldn't even play anything. And then I found I could like. Just one or two riffs on this metal guitar and one or two on the banjo that could like. I could still do. So when I was having a better day, I used to sit. And try and do him. Just to like relearn my fingers and my brain how to connect up and do do the. Do the song. Yeah, I like instrumental music and I like music that people can fall asleep to.

Guest: It was so soothing.

Chris: Because The thing is like if there's a light. In one of Shane Macgowan songs where he goes on about somebody who plays the harmonica in. The Pope, where he was born. He said he could sue the souls of soothe, the souls of psychos. But you know when everyone's wired the **** out with tunes and bring everybody chill them down.

Mark: The souls of cycles. The great line.

Speaker 10

Well you as you.

Mark: Are as you are playing, that a captain I I was going back. I was going right back.

Chris: Into your green screen, you're almost back in. Space there without. The green screen.

Mark: Yeah, like.

Chris: I made them to keep my own head straight when I. Was like, really ****** on my own.

Mark: Esca says just published the full discography with lyric sheets to 18.

Guest: Who was that?

Mark: So I think.

Chris: I don't know what that means.

Mark: That that's your. Your whole discography.

Guest: His life's work.

Mark: Send me a link to. That please. And I wanna. I'll pass it whenever. Whenever toys from Paul Pipes says Mark.

Guest: I need to fill my glass.

Mark: Well, I've got no glasses left. I'm done when you're wrecked, but you actually have talent, says Paul. Your fingers are ridiculously talented, says Bob Campbell. That man.

Chris: Watching after all this time.

Mark: Yeah, man, it's it's, it's 5 1/2 hours, 5 and half hours are still people tuned in and join it.

Speaker

He's a really good one.

Mark: But I think that I think we should. End it with. I think we should wrap it up with a song for yourself, man. I skunk my Nana. It's what? Are asked.

Chris: I've not got this for the neighbours, for rice. Want me, Nana? Like a loud shout. You would. I'm better off doing it. You want music now?

Mark: OK. Could you do a chill out music with the lyrics? Is that possible?

Chris: Possibly. Yeah, possibly.

Guest: Soda, soda. Bedtime sodas.

Mark: Yeah, I've got.

Chris: I've got a bedtime from. I've got a bedtime. So now.

Mark: We can have an after party we. Can have an after party Bunny wrap up now because it's 5 1/2 hours and we need to wrap up the show the show has.

Guest: What was the what was the?

Guest: Record again Mark for your longest goal.

Mark: 12 and I think about 10 1/2 hours, actually 10 1/2 hours on my birthday and then I got in a lot of trouble for my neighbours, and that's what I'm going to have right now. If I continue to get excited. And talk too loud. The neighbours downstairs.

Mark: You're kinda.

Guest: You're sleeping? You kinda excited.

Mark: No, I could. I could have tried deliberately not. And maybe get filtered out by YouTube have to look at my YouTube chat on the website OK. We'll check that out. Ishka we would like to see the the capital photography, absolutely. Well, I think Captain Honey was going to finish up. Thank everyone shooting in tonight. We've got coming up this week.

Chris: Yeah, I've got one laps on then.

Mark: We've got normal tomorrow with this was tonight. We've got Paul Vickers in the leg doing the replicants, Mr. Such a funny guy. 2:00 o'clock tomorrow afternoon, tuning for that. And then we've got the build up to the big one. Which is it could be anything on that show. When all the build up, the big ones are always great. Off that's on Thursday, and then we've got abdominal, an absolute legend of hip hop on you called that radio on Friday night. And it's building a spring with all this. We've got a scan take over. We've got a funk take over. We've got a hip hop take over and we've got my never wakes album launch. It's gonna be a big day. It's free for everyone that subscribes on YouTube and just subscribe hit the notification Bell and join us for that cause. It's a big day and then I'm taking a week off. I need a week off. For somewhere you got burned out. I can feel already. So whenever we break after that.

Guest: You know, and I know if you knew. But I you. Know Sir Tankian from system of a down. Did you know I made some? Songs with him.

Mark: Not well that. That's just like a name drop.

Chris: There's an end drop.

Mark: It's well, it's just system of a down.

Guest: There's an end drop.

Guest: Yeah, we met.

Guest: Serge and I made night time.

Speaker 12

The name drop.

Guest: So when I lived in LA. Plus, has he got signed to Def Jam? He had always wanted to work with a female singer. So he. Was still in the drum.

Speaker 12

The name drop.

Mark: Sorry, sorry. Def Jam was definitely a name drop, OK?

Chris: So he was.

Guest: He was still living with his parents, but he said to me, look, I'm going to get. Really famous in a minute, but. I'd really like to do this project with you. And sure enough, he did get really famous, and that was not allowed. But anyway, we did 9 tracks together and one of them got signed. One of them was in a film film called Bug. Which was directed by William Friedkin for who did The Exorcist? Harry Connick Junior and Ashley Jordan.

Chris: The ones in the church.

Guest: Group is that I asked Serge if I. Could put the songs out on one of my like on my YouTube and he said no but. I think I should share. Them with you is what I'm. Thinking because what's he gonna do? They're they're half. My songs anyway, you know.

Chris: I did.

Mark: Come on.

Mark: He's got better lawyers.

Guest: This is true, but what? What I don't know.

Mark: Send me the picture. Send me the.

Guest: I will. I'll send. Them to you.

Mark: Also, Garry's just sent me a song. That he's done, but. He said sorry I had to go and he's also sent me a song. I've listened to the first two seconds of it and it's definitely a copy. I think she.

Mark: Is it?

Mark: See, tonight's show. I don't think we've actually breached any copyright as far as I'm aware. I'm just going to check. Do we have any corporate robots checking us out or no? I I don't have the monetization on AH, I ****** that one.

Speaker

That would have.

Mark: Been about two pounds I could have. Made about between. 30 pence and £1.20 there, but the one piece was off.

Guest: Captain, you know your song and the babies won when it starts, I always think it's going to be. Denie denie by Blondie do that intro.

Speaker 10

All right.

Guest: Check it out, baby.

Chris: It probably wouldn't be fair. It's just too cold. It's just too cold for each.

Guest: I love it. I love it.

Mark: Petra, thank you very much for being here tonight. Thank you to everyone tuned in. We're gonna end with Captain hot knives. It's gonna play us a wee song.

Speaker 12

No, no, it's.

Mark: Just 5 1/2 hours and the neighbors.

Chris: Calling now today.

Guest: I'm ready. I'm ready to.

Mark: I remember the last time I remember the last time.

Chris: All right then.

Mark: Thank you so much, Captain. Hot knives. You're a legend. We love you. Thank you so much for coming on. You call that.

Chris: I'll tell you what. Thank you, mark. So just do one last little tunage then.

Mark: One last little tune and then. We'll wrap it up. Love it after party though. Once we cut it off.

Chris: Does that mean we can still talk to each other? But we're not on telephone.

Mark: Yeah, because no call each other. Just won't be on live. Then we can. We can tell them. We we we can talk how we really think. We can talk about.

Guest: And you know what, you know.

Guest: What you do? Then what you do is. You say you. Do a short show and then you. Select the patrons have and the. After party.

Mark: I don't believe in paywalls. I don't believe in paywalls. Why it's free for? Everyone patron patron.

Speaker

Is that?

Mark: It's for people who want to support. The show, yeah. Because I've got. This is why I don't make money because I've got morals and it's always been my. Problem the.

Guest: This is true.

Mark: Point is that it's free for everyone. It's free for everyone to watch and. Although maybe maybe. Once a month, we should have a patron party. What we did for never weeks album listening party that was great, but that was up to me. Never weeks they only wanted a secret party. So firm has got an album they want to bring out, can have a secret listening party patrons come in. I think there is something. In that, but at the. Same time all the shows are free and I don't want it to be. What you can't afford. £3.00 a month so you don't get to go to the after party. What I do is give people free songs. They getting their raffle other other bonus.

Guest: Well, think of it more like the backstage pass.

Mark: Yeah, I know. I hate that hate backstage passes. VIP stuff. I hate it. It's not. It's the opposite of what I like. But things this way everything should. Be free for everyone.

Mark: I'm so horrible.

Guest: But you're so good, right?

Mark: You know. Yeah, no, I've got. I've, I've. Got a guilty conscience? And the whole point of this whole thing experiment, if you call that radio TV is it's free for everyone. If you want to. Chip in then you can if you want to chip in, then go to Patreon dot. Com forward slash.

Guest: I hope you're. Riding with man, you're gonna go far with that.

Mark: I'm going to be very, very far.

Guest: When you go far.

Mark: I'll go very, very far. Very, very. Slowly and it'll ruin my. Life, captain. What names to take us. Out wrap it up. You're a legend. Thank you, Petra. Thank you, captain. What names? Let's do it.

Guest: Thank you.

Chris: OK, so this is a ballad. About where? Hang on. Is it I? Don't know if it is. A ballad? Tell me what ballads. Are to be fair. I'll try and sing it anyway.

Chris: I went to Pilania trail. Let's talk city in the morning, withdrawing from. Searching for. Say I was in, she could. Plastic tops, she said. When you going to be so much better? At the window, the Cannon Mountains passed by.

Mark: That you.

Chris: Next morning I just had to leave.

Mark: And so.

Chris: And they're actually. Was not when I wanted. And family crossing. But not Facebook. But the train from Manchester?

Chris: When we saw.

Chris: Did not know what to do.

Mark: Know what to do.

Chris: I had to see the choice. There you go. That's your lullaby tune.

Mark: After party after party.

Chris: You get to come to the after party and live with us in a small community.

Speaker 10

It's where.

Guest: How big is the kettle on? It will be so nice tea.

Chris: Get the kettle. We only know the best. Forager in the in the world.

Guest: And I make a really good macaroni cheese.

Speaker

*******. Come on.

Speaker 10

Write them out.

Chris: So we call it a draw on the show, but we can still have enough.

Mark: Got a draw. Thank you, Captain Hodge. Thank you, Petra.

Chris: Fingers back to my.

Mark: We'll see you tomorrow at 2:00. We'll Vickers.

Mark: You call that. TV show show. And almost every night, every night and every night. She's gonna be streaming live streaming life stream of life. TV shows, TV show, TV show. Almost every night, every night. It's going to be streaming live streaming live streaming live.

Interviews yet to be distilled down

3. The Captain Hotknives Open Mic Night 2 w VERY Special Guests - Apr 21, 2021

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMG5bW-nmHU

Mark: This is you. Call that radio. We are back. Return of the Captain Hook, knaves. It's the one you've all been waiting for. Backed by popular demand. The man, the myth, the legend, Captain Hot Knives hosting, playing some songs, getting the crack and going to introduce you to some of his friends and special guests. It's a kind of open mic night vibe, so if you wanna do a poem or a song then leave me a comment and I'll try and and get you on. But no promises as time is not something that we we deal with very well on when we are together, I don't know who's a bad influence on who, me or me and him or him and me. The last one was 5 1/2 hours. We have promised that this is not going to. You sending it that happy haircut, Mark? Yes, I do have a haircut. Well spotted. Well spotted. Lou has also spotted that nothing gets by yours. We've got Gary Penders in the house. How you doing? And I seen Gary at the weekend, I was filming a wee. Hang with Colonel mustard. At the barrowlands. So why wasn't nice when the barrowlands I was in the barrows market that we song there. Ohh fab. Captain hotness this cat evening everyone says Paul Evening trip. Says Petra. Good evening folks, says Mark Mckinnis as well. So yeah, I've went for a beach background today because I've got a haircut. I've seen a family member. Not seen in a year today. That was amazing. I had a big. Cycle and we've just been told that in May the 17th we're going to be able to do indoor gigs. From May the 17th, I think it's up to 100 people with social distancing. So that means that we can maybe do that. You call that radio show and in a venue in Glasgow. Maybe we could just get some seats set up. And have a podcast live podcast, some acoustic music, some poetry, some comedy. I'm excited for that. I think we can now go live to captain hot knives.

Chris: Hey, Matt.

Mark: Do you believe? Do you? Believe in spring. Do you think it's gonna be? A real thing.

Chris: You know what, right? Another last month was a year of lockdown cause we did a show right at the start of the. 3rd year, didn't we? Like this month, it is time to feel a bit more lively in it. And like the sun's out a bit and the restrictions are. Going a bit less. And with a bit of that. We can actually have the. Crack properly soon, so that's good for you even. Even if we can't have it straight away knowing that it's. That the ship. Yeah, yeah.

Mark: It's coming back. It seems to be the case, man. There's like gig offers are starting and it's funny. There was do. Some someone offered me a gig the other day in. London and I just said to her that I'm up for it, but I'm wanting to see to have seen. Gigs with my own eyes before I went to book, but then today hearing that announcement. I'm now starting to get the the promoter head on and thinking let's put on a ******* gig indoors. We know Windows beer, jam, jam for CCTV, says big up.

Chris: Do not.

Mark: I got the Captain, Lou says pasta, garlic bread, a glass of red and the captain on my favorite show. What a time to be alive. See, there's this a lot of enthusiasm today also.

Chris: That's cool.

Mark: The Polish guy got you got found guilty for murder, which is good cause he murdered someone. So it's it's just shows you how far behind that were. Even surprised at that. But that was good news. Hashtag all charges matter. He got found guilty, and all three charges. And we've got a lovely and sunny and bum proper cheers people up. And we've got Charlie seeing a nice way to start Wednesday evening, yes.

Chris: You know what, Matt one.

Chris: Day we should get Charlie on because he's he does like. Quite beautiful instrument or guitar music in open tunings? Maybe getting on next month. Yes, I just commented if it's the guy, I think it is. I've jammed out with him quite a few times at the back of stages at festes. Anyway, that's the. Next time, that's what.

Mark: No, that that's good.

Chris: You've been to the barbers.

Mark: I've been at the barbers mate.

Chris: You've been outside and now?

Mark: Appino said.

Chris: You live in a tent on the beach.

Mark: And then 1119 and the beach. Once you go out, you can't. Go back man.

Chris: OK, I'm still stuck in the same graph as I was last year like.

Speaker 6

Where's my tent on the beach?

Mark: I'm sure they'll be at in the beach coming. Soon to you.

Chris: On the beaches at the bottom of it.

Mark: Are you in the gym? You in the gym?

Chris: Large cat stand gin gin is the farthest drink in the. World this is Pauline. Which is just the gym bottles, you know, cause. People met moonshine there, they. Don't got lots of spare bottles. They just use old bottles. Don't they? Yeah. So. That I've got given old. It's moonshine and this is the last bottle of it I've got until I see my mate. So I'll have to go steady on it. Well, I won't really.

Mark: For anyone who's joining us tonight, you might have seen the show we did last month, a year of locked down with Captain Hot Knives. It lasted for about 5 1/2 hours and I believe that after party was still going.

Chris: Party went on till about 10:00 o'clock the next morning, the summer night.

Mark: I went in my bed. I went in. My bed. I. I ran out of beer, so the credit started rolling for me. But it seems like you kept it going, which is great. To see we're. Not going to do that tonight, though. We're going to I'm.

Chris: No, no cabinet.

Mark: Going I'm going. To I'm going to have a beer. But we're not gonna do it for 5 1/2 hours. You're up early tomorrow. I'm up. Early tomorrow.

Chris: Yeah, true.

Mark: So I'm just gonna take it easy.

Chris: Big day tomorrow. Work in the morning.

Chris: We spoke mostly.

Mark: We'll go. We've got a polar bear in the house. Alan Gray. Nice moonshine. Al Clark says howdy. Hello, al.

Chris: Hey, he is ******* lovely, alevin.

Mark: Yes, yes. Get the clogs turning, lads. Yes, guys. Nice to see your Chris. Nice to see your face. You're big pie.

Chris: I'm looking forward to.

Mark: Asking if you're tripping today. No comment.

Chris: Not yet. Not yet, but I have.

Mark: Not. Not yet.

Chris: What it was. I had a freak accident. I was just doing a really nice copy of a Caravaggio because I'm an art forger. It was looking so good. It was like a proper Caravaggio, and I was. Just getting my. Felt tip out for the last corner of this forge, Caravaggio. I'd buyer for it and everything. And then the tips. Of this ******* jar of dried mushrooms on my. Elbow it slipped up in the air. And a ghastly amazement and uploaded the mushies selling them off Mark. And I went up following them just before the gig. And I'm like, I'm supposed to be a professional musician, and it's it might seem that given the last two times I've been on your show, that I was on mushies, it might seem that this is a bit of a pattern. And I'm not actually optional.

Mark: Well, I mean, I think I wouldn't seen a pattern. I've certainly not seen a pattern. I realise that it's been accidental.

Chris: It's purely accidental. I mean, it's a sort of accident that could have happened to anyone when they were forging a major piece of art. My uncle.

Mark: Is it is the pain and OK is the. Pain that survived.

Chris: Well, sadly, after the Mushies tipped down, my throat spontaneously ejaculated onto the painting. And it's reduced its value considerably. Yeah, well, it's been a bit of a nightmare, mark. I'm gonna paint over it tomorrow.

Mark: Have you got? Do you have a song about mushrooms?

Chris: I do have a song about mushrooms stroms.

Mark: I think we should start with a song about mushrooms.

Chris: It's one of the best songs I've got.

Mark: In the fields of Scotland.

Chris: After the rain has been rain. We were getting wet. My train is soaking.

Speaker 6

But I wasn't bothered.

Chris: See now in the fields looking on the ground. With the little. Plastic bag. See what I've found?

Speaker 6

Scottish limited?

Chris: What a great free thing to find.

Chris: What unusual thing to do to my mind say come back to my house. The newspaper spread them out to dry. Make myself a bottle of tea, milk and sugar for.

Chris: This particular room. All I need is burning water, mushroom. Mushrooms filming that's going along are going strange. Everything is rearranged. Everything is rearranged. Now back out in the fields, laughing at the trees.

Speaker 6

Turn the volume down on that. Hedgehog that hedgehog's about to feed back Jesus Christ. Where's the sound? Mum? That hedgehogs plugged into a Marshall Stack. What the ****'* going on? I've got. ****** myself again. I can't tell.

Chris: Trying to touch the front of me and see if I ****** myself and I couldn't ******* tell, couldn't.

Speaker 6

******* tell worthy, wet, worthy, wet, worthy, dry, worthy, wet, worthy cold. Where the yellow where they drew where the.

Chris: Car do I?

Chris: Have no idea. Mushrooms had kicked in. I had started to begin to lose track of.

Chris: Whether or not.

Chris: I ****** myself and I thought I need. So in the distance for farmer and for farmers, love mushroom. Pickers like me. And I shot it over to him. I said.

Speaker

Hey, Matt.

Mark: Sis, if you're not busy. Could you just touch the front? Of my pants, please.

Chris: They told me it gets this land. And I'm like, mate. Come on and.

Mark: Master your land just touched me pants. Let me know whether or not I ****** myself. Then I can get back.

Chris: On my tripping. And enjoying it without wondering whether or not.

Chris: You have to.

Chris: Touch my pants. Just tell me only take.

Chris: A second for you. I'm not tripping.

Speaker 6

Your privilege yet?

Chris: He said again to get off his land and. By this point I would like mate. No one can own land. Land is very, very heavy when.

Chris: You go away.

Chris: Over the weekend, how do you know squirrels are not jizzing on your land? They're springers all over your land every Friday. ******* knobhead you, boomer ****. You burnt your mad at your. Food fake out on land. I tried carrying a looks up from the soil once I.

Mark: Couldn't carry it. Just touch my.

Chris: Parents and he told me again to get off his land. And I was like, **** that, you'll. Sake, you Tory, landowning piece of ****. Stop telling me to get off your. And and he told me again and said, alright, pal, getting on the tip smile with this landowner thing says how come you do all this frigging land? And he said my grandfather fought for this land. That gives me an idea. Says bring your ******* grandmother out here then.

Mark: We should never said that ******* grandfathers massive he's carrying in his ******* head. But I tried me with it. Try me in the maccas with an early stick. I had to think about Charlotte Church. Take away the pain it.

Chris: Was a ******* nightmare.

Mark: And the more he tweeted to me, the more.

Chris: I laughed because I thought he's after his land. And the more they hit me, the more the last and the. More I lasted more hit me. And the more you hate me, the more after then he hit me a bit more because it annoyed him that I wasn't finding it serious as I should have done. And he hit me with a. Hairy stick, this granddad so many times that he died of. A heart attack.

Mark: So now I only slum if I.

Chris: Could remember where it.

Chris: Was we could go there now.

Mark: And create an. Anarchosyndicalist community of.

Chris: Kings and rulers, or even set squares or any. Mass equipment from the 80s.

Mark: And in the end.

Chris: Even though the guy. Was dead. It turned out that I did **** myself. OK, now again.

Mark: Quarantine stream video video. Call that video. You call that video.

Speaker 6

Strange mood of our time.

Mark: We are live. It's you. Call that radio TV. We are live tonight with captain hot knives and a host of special guests still to join us. Kind of like open mic night. Also shout outs by the meeting. I've just released an audio podcast today. With Martin youth Glover. Who is he? He's a producer on urban hymns, the Verve, the endless river by Pat Floyd. He's in a band with Paul McCartney, the Fireman's Killing Joke bassist, the Odd founder, absolute legend you can. Find that. Go and listen to it tomorrow or something. Or if you just got your apple. Or Spotify or any of. The podcast because this. Isn't really a podcast, it's merely. A A hang and. Just look at just type in, you call that radio on Spotify and Apple find that it's cracking that view and he's live and we're live now to the captain. Who's still going to be the name capo? Hot knives? We've got some comments coming in. One of my fave cup knives tunes. More on the mushies. I don't want this land anyways. Is Rebecca radical? Rebecca Radical is also going to be listening to make a racket freeze. Radical will be joining us later on, I believe. So on the Buckie. But she will be doing a wee song for. Us later on. That's fine. You're allowed. You're allowed, but fast in the show, Al Clark says. Love you too. Big ol's laughing. Nice hair, guys. Well, I mean, can you tell? Me. What was it? Was the secret of. Your hair, captain. What knives?

Chris: The secret is I haven't been to. The barbers for a year.

Speaker 6

That's it, Mr.

Mark: Was it not something about coconuts? Was it not something about coconuts as well?

Chris: Ohh no, I had to put coconut oil on it cause it was ******* dreading to ****. And I didn't want dreads. And I remembered my ex Mrs. Used to use coconut oil to stop her hair reading. And thought that I have to do. It myself so. I did it but just made me. Look like chip. Planned for a bit. But you know there.

Mark: Suppose you just get the you just got.

Chris: Was a kid.

Mark: The dose wrong. You gotta start with a half first.

Chris: Say that again, sorry.

Mark: You should just you've gotta start with a.

Speaker

If you finished or not.

Mark: Half first you just went all in.

Speaker 6

Well, I I.

Chris: Foolishly filled the bath with coconut oil. And just jumped in and I lived in there for several months. And then I come out. I was quite briefly, so I've now I look like a right greasy if I look like chicken I've now. As we have much more, I knew that 200 jars of it. Was probably overkill.

Mark: Loison said you should write a song about accidentally ejaculating and hangs.

Speaker 6

OK.

Chris: It now. I went into Tescos just the other day. And the next thing anyone had.

Speaker 6

To say was look over there.

Mark: At that fat swap.

Chris: Easy ejaculating on the fish counter. All the fresh trout with their eyes bugging out. All the passers by. Fill the patron and.

Chris: Out there was like. With my **** and balls out.

Mark: Whacking on the fish counter, ******* on the fish counter. Working on the fish.

Chris: Counter didn't think it was the sight of the salmon chunks. It made me feel like I wanted to blow chunks. My **** instantly became erect and that was about the time I began to detect there was just playing out of the tip. All of us will throwers and chips.

Mark: Store security. We're running on, faster said.

Chris: Listen lads, I'm just having a blast. Accidentally ejaculating in Tescos again.

Speaker 6

Sit down to Leo Jaculator in Tescos again.

Mark: Accidentally ejaculated in Tesco.

Chris: Again, again, fifth time that day.

Mark: Amazing stuff the trouble.

Chris: Is if you say to me do. A song about whatever I will do. I'm very suggestive.

Mark: OK. Well, we can try that out if anyone. Else wants to.

Chris: Everyone's got something.

Mark: We could try it out and.

Chris: Wrong about. Thank you, Luke. Thanks for the idea.

Mark: It's it's. I think that's going. To be. A hit. It's gonna be a hit. Look out for that in the charts soon.

Mark: The producer will be a hit. I mean, I'm.

Chris: Not surprised to serve it.

Mark: Coming soon to the church.

Chris: I've signed a non disclosure agreement, but Robert De Niro's actually booked me for his his daughter's wedding. And you always like Bob De Niro. If I do a good gig at his wedding daughters wedding. I mean, look what happened in the Godfather. You know, they at the end, they. Had plenty of money. I'm just stopping. I've been waiting for. You know what? Mean like? Anyway, watching this and doesn't like offensive things, it's probably not your.

Mark: Yeah, this is. I probably should have done a wee disclaimer at the. Not that bad.

Chris: All right.

Mark: Bad language happens, bad language happens. If you are easily offended, this is not might not be the show for you, although it usually isn't that offensive. It's just usually quite funny, but the the.

Chris: Yeah. No, it's not. Massively offensive, but I do have turrets so I occasionally do say things. That might be a bit random.

Mark: Yeah, but I I see I was, I really enjoyed your threats, so. We in this video.

Mark: Did you watch that?

Mark: One yeah.

Speaker 6

It was not like because.

Chris: You do you remember years ago when you booked? Me for a. Fester and I sent you like a a sort of thing explaining so that if I was like, twitching to get people not to grabbers and stuff. It's just trying to kind of. Reiterate that, but like it's all good. You know, I'm lucky I don't have it very badly at all. It's just it's sometimes if you are ticking a lot and someone grabs you. It makes you a lot worse.

Mark: Well, there's just a lot. A lot of people don't understand it because, like, was that documentary. Was that documentary about the swearing one. And it just seems like that's the only kind of understanding that the general public has of it.

Chris: But I tell you who I should get around the showroom and what I do gigs with my friend Jess, and she does does a thing called Tourette's Hera and what it was right. Years ago, she was proper ******* depressed to **** about having to ex as badly as she has got it. And she really likes comedy, and she was going to comedy gigs to watch him as a pointer and being asked to leave because of ticks. And she's trying to explain to them I'm not heckling, I've just got some ticks I've got to theirs and she got thrown out of a gig by Mark Thomas. But she worked to mark he wasn't his choice that she got thrown out. It was like, you know, over officious kind of. Stuff in his theater or. And she worked and Mark and explained that she wasn't heckling him. She's got to that. And he actually wrote back to her. And she started to get into the idea that the only place she can't get thrown out of a gig from is on stage on make friends and.

Mark: I actually got flung off and giggle.

Chris: I've been thrown out of my own gigs, to be fair, is a lot more. Fun to do than me?

Mark: But the the, the the chances are a lot less reduced significantly.

Chris: But what? What it was, How I Met Jess was this years ago. I did a gig in Sheffield with this guy, and he's half of cassette boy. If you've heard of cassette boy. Yeah, you know they. Do the sort of video.

Mark: Most, most, most people will know cassette boy.

Chris: Yeah, so here's.

Mark: Describe a mash-up.

Chris: He is a mate of Jesse's, but he'd said to me, Chris could could I write? A song for or with. Jess, or for or about Jess and I said, not without meeting her. I'm not going to try and write a song about somebody I've never met. So like, although I happily would write one about Samuel L Jackson. Weirdly enough, in fact, I might do well now.

Chris: Ryan Jackson.

Mark: Went to the corner shop.

Speaker 6

He said. Have you got?

Chris: Any cheap bleach?

Chris: Made a mess in the bathroom and the woman became how to set some. You will be lucky to are what you do in making messes in the lovely flat. You in your bed. What are you? Doing now you're ******* carpets, really. That's just a little about some little Jackson.

Mark: Still out when Samuel Jackson.

Chris: Yeah, well, why would I suggest, right? I hadn't ever met her. And then I did this festival. This English festival called Shambala. Now when you come.

Mark: I've I've heard great things about it. The twist expert book for that last year before the pandemic.

Chris: Yeah, well, I was. There doing a cup to not knife. Gig and then. I was just in the campsite and I saw. That fella from cassette. And he says, oh, Jesse, he's here. Do you wanna come? And meet us. I was like, yeah, yeah. Went to meet her. And I started singing Bob, the amazing sheepdog. I could do that as. The next song. After this story, but when I think, Bobby. Amazing sheepdog jesses ticks her vocal ticks. She has a lot of more ticks like she has. A tick where she hates herself. But her motor tics kicked in, and also she started to join in with the words of Bob Demars and Sheepdog, but she started saying. Bears bears in spandex in bed with your. So I just turned it into the next verse and was like Bob came home early. He didn't know where his mum was. There was all these weird noises. He'd go upstairs. Mother surrounded by bears in spandex and then that set off more ticks out of Jess. And then I turned them into more verses, but we both ended up ticking so badly that we both had a seizure each we we were both on the deck sitting and then the next morning disguise seeing me. And he says that's amazing. Yesterday in the campsite, could you do that on stage? And that's like, sick *******. Do you want to see two people have fusion? That was your. Birth and then other bit with before when we were doing songs. I thought you. Were like a band and I was like, no, I wanna. Just like yes. But she come round in the morning. I said, do you? Wanna go onstage and and do?

Speaker

We did.

Chris: And we didn't have. A pet and both of those have got Tourette's, but I didn't really realise that at the time because it was before I. Had a. But anyway, we've got some we get our sleep.

Mark: Is that Glastonbury? Glastonbury Festival.

Chris: That's at Glastonbury. And this time at Shambala, they put us on this stage at about 11:00 in the morning. So it's 11 in the morning on a Sunday, a big festival or medium sized big festival. So people it's like people really hung over and wiped out. It's Sunday morning. The stickers on the stage we don't actually have a set we didn't actually know each other. We didn't have any ******* material at all. They gave us a mic each and Jess, if you give her a microphone, she. Just headbutts it. You can see the sound engineer increasing because his precious asset 58 getting smashed to bits by Jess applying it, and she's just. Sort of like put the mic. Flash and that's being through the PA and I'm thinking right, we need to say. What we are? Or who we are. And there's an audience of people. Who were quite delicate. We really didn't. Need the grief? And I said. Listen, gentlemen, we're a new political party. We are the bipolar turrets, the lions, I said to Jess. Jess, what do they get if they? Vote for us and Jess.

Mark: Yes, every fourth person gets a chandelier.

Chris: And I will like that *******. Qualities I'm going down the front row going. You get chandelier 234. You get chandelier if you vote for us, and I'm and I just made-up this whole fantasy that we were, like, newer diverse political party. And if you voted us in, we'd give you all these things. And then I. Was giving Jess. That's there to her. Ticks are really good if you give. Her a. List something to list her. Ticks will come out and you never know what she's gonna say. Like that day, she was start saying. Sex and the. Lilar Dagenham, do you know what I mean? That kind of carry on. But I was trying to. Work that back into sort. Of spiel and going. Ladies and gentlemen, if you vote for us, everyone. Be able to have. Sex on a Lilo in Dagenham. A Lilo the size of Dagenham.

Speaker 6

Covered in writhing bodies.

Chris: Oh, there's one for.

Mark: One vote for the bipolar you.

Chris: Know what I mean? Like and. It were like I was almost sort of like. The straight man which? I've never been before because it's normally just me. Captain and I was on straight.

Mark: It's torrette. It's tonight's hero. Is that is that. Her name? Her band name.

Chris: Well, that's the performing name. And what it came from was she was. Her friend, who's in Cassetteboy, had said to her something along the lines of instead of seeing Tourette's as a disability, see it as a superpower because of a lot of her. Ticks are very funny. And she didn't know they're gonna come. She just. She'll be in the shop. And she'll be. Like that, you know, we've been in halsdon. You know what I mean and it is. Funny, so we thought. Well, harness it and get people laughing with us because it's creative and it's funny. Rather than sneaking in behind their hands. Like if you know what I mean. And we did quite a lot of gigs. Together as a. Double act and we did a lot of.

Mark: So I'm just. I'm just sure that we are we show the other, but we'll just just to show the the superhero outfit.

Speaker

All right.

Chris: Ohh yeah, that's just his outfit for for to look closely.

Mark: It looks incredible.

Chris: I've missed one. I've ****** myself. Can you see this? I pressed myself during the trip.

Mark: It was after you fought the man for the grandfather, for the land.

Chris: Now ** **** was an entirely this was proper about the adders on the right. So the first gig we ever did was just us ranting and somehow we got booked again. We've had some mad gigs. We once got put on at after Napalm Death. At Glastonbury and while we were backstage before we went, oh, we made a song called Face Palm Death and it was just a list of things that made you wanna face palm. They'd say, Jess, what makes you wanna first palm and she go? Ohm is on an escalator. Do you? Know or whatever.

Mark: Fish, palm. Palm.

Chris: And all booking my panda for watching this guy. It was these *****. We were at the spider there gig when they were doing their set and they had like a 5000 capacity stage. It was a ******* truth stage it go. Stenbury and ladders on straight up. Yeah, we don't actually have a set and neither the particular clip.

Mark: As a as a as a superpower though as well.

Speaker 6

It is a different colour.

Mark: She is trying. I mean, obviously you been able to think of a random adjective or a thing is, it's also like humans as well. See if if. You ask someone if you ask someone to to make up a number. Most students will put a three in it, and it's because we're.

Speaker

Well, well.

Mark: You know that we're not very good at being randomly just creating something out of nothing.

Chris: Which is very true.

Chris: And I've got a good example this like one day Jess shouted out for no apparent reason, cause it's a tick and people tried to too much to over analyse ticks or why they happened. They just ******* do. Just accept it. And she shouted out.

Mark: Malcolm X with a tiny toothbrush.

Chris: And it made mate. That made me instantly go.

Mark: Coming to clean the pollution out of the.

Speaker 6

Mouth of America.

Chris: Because my brain had to.

Chris: Find the reason why Malcolm X would have a tiny toothbrush. And because her scenario set mine off and it goes out of all control, I mean, we've been on stage and thought we need to put we've had signers, you see we've got signers doing it in in sign language, but we can't tell them what we're gonna say, cause neither of us nor. So they just have. To follow it like.

Mark: **** it. That's the the same language guys must have their work out of China, shop Bull in Yorkshire. How you doing, man? He's saying, geez, Chris, you look like Lenny.

Chris: Do you know what is embarrassing for me or bit I I've now right. I've always tried not to, but I now look like my dad. I look like my ******* father now. I've never had logatec. Well, my dad. Well, my dad like a ginger Afro, basically. But he had like, if you get, if you stick a beard on my face. I look like my dad.

Mark: Listen, this is the first time that I've started looking my dad.

Chris: Bobby Joe.

Mark: The first. This is the first time I have. A fat face. You know, so.

Chris: That's, I mean we are stuck inside for too long. We need to burn. All that fat off with. Loads of dancing and carrying on daughter.

Mark: Mark Smith Marky Smith passed himself on the mainstage. So what don't you?

Mark: Can I tell you about?

Chris: Nana do do. Do you know what? It wasn't that I just pushed myself on stage. I'll explain what happened. Like it was quite good comedy gold. And it's also got a scary. So what's happened was before this gig on that stage that you know, that footage you just show all that? Which you just showed that was on a a stage called the Glade stage at Glastonbury. Right. And we were going and I think we either before or after cassette boy. So there's about two or 3000 people. But we've done Glastonbury, to be honest. The proper currents and they make you do loads and loads of loads and loads of shows. If you're small artists, they don't really pay you and they have, you do loads of sets and they did several gigs that weekend. And that was the 7th wheel. And I lost my wife.

Mark: What happens if you don't turn up for one?

Chris: Ohh, you can't not do that. You know what Glastonbury is like? Do you know what I mean? They probably said Michael, leave this round on a hover mower. You probably like go. Mow your tent, get a streamer on your face or something. You know what they're like. Emily Eavis with a machete. Like that out. Though you ******* about with Glastonbury. Yeah, I'll put your ******* ears off your count. She's she just sound like that. She's quite vicious. Anyway, so this there was and I've lost my voice. It's the 7th gig of the weekend. Had my voice. So Jesse's met. Who were there, who were lovely set of Mets. They're saying Chris drink liquids, drink liquids. You said they. Did point out, Chris, you've been awake since we got here on Thursday. It's now Sunday. You know, drink some ******* liquid that isn't special. Bring you current. So I was like, have you got this special rule? Like, no, drink some *******. Drunk on this? Water, which was earlier to my system and my system was like what's this? There's no bubbles in it. It's not poisonous, there's no alcohol. My my bladder was like. So what? This is it's not even. What a party, no. And so we get some sturgeon. I had just enough liquid to make my voice work, but after two songs, I. Was desperate for a. So I'm going to Jess, and this is me imagining no one. 'S gonna notice. On a stage where it's 2000, people's eyes are trained on here and behind us as massive screens with pictures of all you know, like there's a camera showing up on a big screen. One, there are 16 and marstone Yorkshire guys thinking more. When's gonna see me saying to.

Mark: Jess and you've got crotch Cam on a big screen.

Chris: And I'm just like, I'm just like Jess. Jess, I've got to go for a ****, and she's going. Chris, don't leave me on stage now. Jess hasn't done. I've done. I've been doing gigs since I was 15. Playing the bass and then since I was 34, being captain, not knives. So I've done thousands of gigs. Jess kind of hasn't. And she's kind of relying on me to do the riffs. And you know what I mean? She didn't want me to leave her on her own. But it's either go off the stage or **** myself, so I ran to. The back of the school now I don't.

Mark: That's beautiful.

Chris: Know if this has ever happened to him, but like. When your **** is trying not to let your body **** itself, sometimes it swells up a little bit and I couldn't get it out. My jeans had this charity shop jeans that were dead pale. Couldn't get it out. My jeans fast enough and half the **** went down the inside of my leg. And then the rest was firing off the back of the stage. It was nowhere near the toilet, so I was just literally at. The back of. The stage behind the. Drums and this big guy with a short sex. Thing on with the Glasgow accent comes down. He's going where you're ******* doing, son big. Old ******* bruiser. Look like a blue Angel was like what you.

Mark: OK, doing some.

Chris: And they're urinating profusely. I'm thinking, does he? Not know what I'm doing. But like my mouth being what it is. I'm like mate, what should? What's it look like I'm ******* doing? Your off gun.

Speaker

It's. I'm in.

Chris: The middle of a gig, I said. You'll have to tell me off later. I'm a bit busy, so I run back on stage, put ** **** back in your pants. But there was. A massive **** staring down my leg and also while.

Speaker 6

I've been off stage, Jess.

Chris: Stranded on the road and no music. No *******. She developed a tick that went like this. There's a little. Bit of light between my eye and my ****. There's a little bit of light between my eye and my piece. There's a little bit of light between iron my piece and it's name is Samuel Jackson, and she had the whole crowd singing along 2000 people. In my eye in my face. And I'm like, come. I walked back into this covered in **** and this entire. Oh, no, it's just, you know, those dreams, you. Have like very like you, you're doing the biggest thing of your life and you piece yourself I. That that's exactly my sort gig that happens to me. So, yeah, so, but if anyone, what we should do is maybe ask Jess to come on the show once because, well.

Mark: I would love to. I would love to show anytime, man, anytime. I think, I think we. All would but.

Chris: The whole thing.

Chris: Is very much geared about giving people with Tourette's. Like a Geo? Because it's one of the conditions you're gonna get the most grief about. Like I've only gotten married and I have few more attacks and I make a clicking noise as if I'm talking to. A horse and. That's about it. Although he was really poorly, I developed to take that shot. A guy in my yard, I. Used to shout out English *****. Look, luckily, I'm in Bradford. So it was all right, no one. Every time I open my. Front door, English count and. It's not the best of ticks and. I get really. Camp ticks I get a tick. I it's. I started out ticking out. That bit from The Fugees you know. Ooh, La La la. But then it just turned into oolala. Now would you put in a queue to the bar or something? And I'm big and I I rock back and forth and I'm stood still and I got twitchy movement. And I'm like that. You know as a tick. What people guys do you? Know what hurts me the most in the day.

Mark: So there's a tech there's a tech, so that one just how long did that take was with you for a while and? Then it just disappeared.

Chris: Three months, few months I was saying, ooh La La, and I still do sometimes.

Mark: And it just then it just then it. Just one day just.

Chris: Sometimes to change ground. I had a period of having Irish republican ticks was a bit dangerous. I had Republican takes for a while and that could. Have got me. Yeah, I had. I used to take up the war and choking a la as ticks. And I'd be in this ******* queue. You know what? Mean I'd be getting on the bus. And the worse one was, I was.

Mark: Seeing a guy playing a gig in Glasgow.

Chris: I know worse than that, mark. I did a gig at the war zone in Belfast. And the gig the night before was in Dudley right now, when the doubling gig ended up in this flat with a load of Furby and skinheads. You know how. It is and. I'm there with these slurping skinheads. They bring out a ball of. Speed like a a *******. Cereal bowl for. Louise on the table and go help yourself. And I'm like, I can't do speed anymore cause I have faith. But I did used to love love to speed, but can't do any stimulants. All I can do is to draw. All the mushies. So I'm like, no, I'm alright lads, but cause none of them went to bed. I didn't get to go to sleep. So the next day I met up in Belfast Sleep deprived, AS4 gets out of the van at the Warzone venue, but it's, you know, when you get to a venue. When it hasn't opened yet. And you're waiting for the sound guy to sound check and all that kind of thing. And I'm, like, bored. And I thought I need a bottle of book fast and I need a battery for my guitar. You know those little. It's in your guitar that have a pre amp. And you need a battery for it, right?

Mark: Both your you and your guitar both need a charge.

Speaker 6

Yeah. Yeah and.

Chris: Both of us exactly well thought. So I'm walking down this road and I walked past this big house and on the end of the House there's a massive. Picture of Brian May on a horse. I'm like they must. Love bright me on this road this is. I would be like curly hair. I'm a big **** rearing up. I thought, what's playing Madden on an **** on a wall in Belfast?

Mark: The image the image. That just I got in my head, there was the guy from the the. Canon Mccune export.

Chris: Ohh yeah he him.

Mark: Yeah, that guy.

Speaker 6

There was basically. A guy like that on.

Chris: The horse on the on the wall. And I'm just ******* single minded, sleep deprived, stoned out of my teeth. I've got an inside out. Harrington on, you know, with it out and bit on the outside. I walked down the street and all the graffiti is like pictures of guys with AK-40 sevens and like these three letters UVF. And I'm like, ah, ********. What I felt like.

Chris: You know.

Chris: I ain't in Kansas anymore, Toto. Do you know what I mean? I thought I'm a bit out of my depth from this, is there? And I'm just thinking if there's. Not a shop. Then I'll go back to the venue and I saw. This kind of shop in the proper. I'm near near to the shop. I'll go with it. And it was like the size of a little Co-op and I went. In and, I'm looking for some special boom they did. Governor and as I'm in the in the shop, a lot of bandsmen came in with his drums. Even little kids in his uniforms were like white in his own and orange thingies. And his hats all come into the shop and my mouth was wanting to get me killed. I'm going ******* Bradford, mate. I'm not much part of the struggle. You know what I mean? Sectarianism in Bradford or Sunni and Shia. You know what, I. Mean, but I am my mum. 'S family. We're a Catholic and all that, and I've got one of these. You know what I mean? And Saint Christopher is a bit. Of a giveaway in it and I'm just like **** and my mouth was really trying to get me killed. Get me killed. My mouth because it's so inappropriate to say the thing. The thing tries to say. Itself. Are you and me? And that's pretty much how to hold. My first shot. To not shout out up the right choppy aloud on what kind of thing in the shop. The orange man. And then I got to the counter. I was trying to ask for the battery in. The book fast, but in order to not tick I tried to speak as. Quickly as I could. So there I am. I've got an inside out Arrington on at the time I have shaved. I'd so look like Skinhead. And I've basically a large skin ido they've never seen, stinking of canvas in their column shop. And I'm saying to the guy.

Speaker 6

Please pass batteries, book book series, battery book.

Mark: And try not to.

Chris: Shout Chuck your alarm up the bar. Help and the guys looking at me. Like I can't even do. It at Belfast as E Belfast accent. Where is you know. Like, what's the matter with you, man? And I'm like, but she's booked. I'm pointing at these girl herself, like looking, you know, trying to roll my first shot, trying to just get out of the shock alive. In the end I've. Thrown in this money and it was British money, which I don't like having British money in my pocket cause it's got the queen. On it the horrible queen. So I've given him the queen he's given. Me some coins and I could not. Get out of that shot fast enough. And I've got about 10 or 15 yards away from the front door of the shop. And my mouth was. Just ******* Bobby Sands in it out loud and I'm like.

Mark: Shut the **** **.

Chris: Mouth and nice to get back there.

Mark: Speaking of speaking.

Chris: It's it's just been the anniversary, haven't it?

Mark: Well, Speaking of Bob, well, there's the another Bob the sheepdog.

Chris: Ah, probably his sheepdog. Or. Somebody else bed?

Speaker

Shut up.

Mark: Bob the amazing sheepdog, right? We're gonna come back to. We're gonna have Bob the Mason Sheep dog, and then we're gonna get our first guest on to know that we've got two in the green room here just now.

Chris: Our crew. So that's why.

Mark: So bring it bring. Them order, then we're, then we're gonna go back. We'll go back, we'll go back. We've got lots of comments. Coming in we got, Sharon says.

Chris: I'm sorry. Go along with that story, man.

Mark: Sharon Drysdale smile Mark Sharon Drysdale with the patriarchy she smile love it might never happen says Sharon drives.

Chris: Get your **** out. Smile, darling.

Mark: And this is this is this is a nice message losing my non verbal son. Just copied your ooh La La. You're a miracle worker as well as a pure legend.

Chris: Give over. I'm not a miracle. But that's nice that he has done.

Chris: Good luck.

Mark: That is, that is very nice.

Chris: I I worked with I I.

Chris: I I worked with a guy at my old job and they told me he was nonverbal. And one day, I just really quietly said to him. I said they. Said is the reason that you're not talking to the staff because they're talking down to you as if you're stupid and they're just very quietly went, yes. And I thought. He ain't nonverbal, he just can't be ***** with *********. Do you know? What I. And then he started cracking books, adding cracking jokes cause he never used to talk. But we went outside and out of his pocket. He gets a plastic. Fork chucks it out onto the floor and then he goes.

Mark: There's a fork in the road.

Chris: And I was. Like, yes. Come on, lad. Supposedly nonverbal, and he was getting the funnies out. So do you need a quick song mark? Sorry, I must follow this.

Mark: Well, we're gonna. Well, do you know what, before we do that before we do that, hold that thought.

Speaker

Right.

Mark: I just want to tell everyone to get the bus to YouTube. Most most people are watching on YouTube tonight. But I know there's people on Twitch. And Twitter and Facebook. But we're going to just advise you that you get the bus to YouTube. I put a link in the comments. Click that the audio is much better. The video is much better and that's where all the crack is and the comments that's we're going to get the banner. So everybody get the bus to YouTube and. Put the link in the comments. You just do that and I'll just give them a week. They can give you give you a chance to get tuned up as well, and you just gotta play a. Wee little 30.

Chris: No, not good.

Mark: Second clip. Give everyone a chance to grab the bus. To YouTube, yeah.

Mark: Yeah, I'll speak to my leg.

Mark: Radio. Radio.

Chris: Hey, radio, radio, radio.

Mark: Start studio.

Mark: Come and say my name or my name.

Mark: As you call that radio TV. Oh, I've went blurry. I've went blurry cause I shut. The cotton we live with the one and only captain hot knives. It's so good to have you back, mate. I really. I love these shows. I love them.

Chris: Do you know what my right. We do stuff like you're a musician. You're a wordsmith. You're a gig promoter. You're a ******* active guy. Without people like you. **** all happens. People like me don't have a gig unless somebody like you organises one. You get me. But this show means a lot more to me than. Because I'm not one to be asked about interviews on radio and I'm not one to be asked about self promotion, Captain Outlives isn't about Rock Starship. It's just I'm a random **** and I've found a way of doing it in the pub. Without getting checked out.

Chris: It's a little least I've got.

Chris: That I can do rude songs pretending it's. Are and not get kicked out of the program? In fact, some clubs even give me money, follow me in and spend.

Mark: Is that what it is? Is that man you?

Chris: Know what?

Mark: But you won't give to yourself at the service, is that man, it's like. That there is not.

Chris: Is see why all this lockdown happened? And when I got so ******* sick with COVID and nearly died last year, and then I had a massive load of months of depression afterwards. Do you know what you you kept in touch me all the way through that? Not about business. About music, just like as a ******* human being. And you're 1. Of the people that did, and you're the only ****** I like talking to in this way, like an interview because it's. Are you with me? And I know you a bit. And without black. And this is like real. I don't wanna be on my belly, but I'll be on your telly to see. And I can honestly say it's it. It helps me get through depression. The last show I did. Was like I'm back, I'm back. To being alive, even though I couldn't play gig on a stage in a pub.

Mark: And the crack?

Chris: I had with your other guest. No petrol, we're. Talking for 10:00 o'clock the next morning and what it felt. Like was the best house. Party you've you've you've been to.

Mark: What did 10:00 o'clock? Yeah, we were in the crack for.

Chris: Hours like she would. Diamond her she's a great singer. She's like she's like Chrissy Iron but more beautiful and with a better voice. She's ******* great, man.

Mark: Anyway, well, she's gonna be. She's gonna win. The show later on.

Chris: Share of that?

Mark: She is going to be. On the show.

Chris: I'll tell you what.

Speaker

A world.

Chris: All the guests last time. Fantastic of yours, I. Really like Gary. You know you have that lunch and the thing that I want, I wanted to ask you is I need to speak to him and learn how to forage properly and make fires cause I forage.

Mark: Harry the ********. Yep.

Chris: Where he does it ******* real me as he's a ****. He's a fat ****. He goes in a ******* hotel that count. But ******* does it.

Mark: We're actually, we're actually going to be having a show tomorrow. We're doing it, we're doing it every week for the last. Few weeks. No, he's not on tomorrow, but he's he's my pick for the new. You know, when Scott, the question for tomorrow's show is when independence happens, what should be the new national anthem? And I'm I'm. Going to vote for Gary the ********. I don't know if the audience is voting or we're. Voting no, I. Think the audience gets to select what they want this. New Scottish national anthem to beers and then the panel's gonna vote on it tomorrow. Shows about we did one about drugs two weeks ago. We did one about education last week. Tomorrow it's about representation with Jim Morning and Kevin people day, Rosa, Sally, Elaine Gallagher and Enos Maxlab. So that's tomorrow night at 7:00. You call that politics? And just doing everyone in the lead up to the election, I'm just trying to avoid party politics and.

Speaker

I'm sorry.

Mark: Just talk about actual ideas.

Chris: Yeah, idea. The good thing to talk about, I think it was because of COVID happening.

Speaker

Right.

Chris: You could look at this time I'm looking at it in my own life as a time where I could think I used to do about 100 gigs a year. Which is it? S and I'm grateful for every single gig I've ever been offered. And it's been a ******* great crack to do. But you also then don't have, like, a girlfriend or a social life at all, because every Friday and Saturday you gigging and you may have seen who are not gigging, you never see. So I'm thinking cost my health has took a beating and I'm not as sort of Hardy as I. Was pre COVID. I'm gonna ease back into gigging and I thought, what do I like and what do? I not like. And you know what? I like the best is small gigs. Yeah, the less people and if you can see them all. You can get that intimate thing. Where everyone's in on every joke where sometimes. If you've got a. Big crowd. The wings at the back are cooked, talking away to the mates about whatever the runs in the middle are, track shushed, then the runs at the front are kind of half getting it.

Mark: I mean they can. They can hear they. Can hear. The IT doesn't matter how much you try and focus on and act that you're really loving. If there's just that little humming in the background and people talking or people shooting each other, it just throws the vibe off completely.

Chris: Yeah, totally. And The thing is cause. My stuff so spontan.

Chris: However, after numerous Facebook posts were Schelly jokingly.

Chris: Genius, as you've noticed, like I just made that song up about spontaneously ejaculating in tescos.

Mark: It was a good example of spontaneity.

Chris: I just go off on tangents but. If people are talking over it, it's not because I'm a prima Donna. It's cause I'm a day. It's due to luck. I'm so easily distracted. I distract myself. My brain's got 10 trains of thought going on at any given time. But if I can hear other conversations, I get. Pulled in one thing. Uh, I. Wonder what time it? Is or Blair? Instead of thinking, what's the next thing and.

Speaker

OK.

Chris: So I know.

Mark: Got turn the van says you're invited to the garden now that. Would be a great place for you to.

Chris: Oh, yeah, well, I'm not what?

Mark: Not secret animal garden.

Chris: I could do, Mark. I'm thinking about doing this. I've got a pal that's got a boyfriend in Glasgow, so they drive up from my area to Glasgow periodically every few weeks and a couple a week soon. I'm going to get a. Lift to Glasgow could do a backyard. Four and play 70 gigs to six people at. Time have the best moment of your life. You know something?

Mark: Like that, let's do it.

Speaker

You should have with it.

Mark: I'll get back to the I'll catch up with the comments in a little bit, which let's get Bob the sheepdog. We'll read some comments and then we're gonna bring on our first guest of the evening. Who's your? It's a man bringing in. It's Jason.

Speaker

Right, yeah.

Mark: And then I'm going to bring on my first guest tonight, which with Victor Pope. So I think they're gonna love Victor. Pope stuff.

Chris: I just want to say that. The last months guess every ******* single. One of them was ******** US and. It was the best brother.

Mark: They they raised the bar, they raised the bar lasted month so.

Chris: That brought out for time. Amazing sheep. Bob, do we need?

Mark: Bob, there we need that. We need that hashtag, Bob, the amazing sheepdog. You need that.

Chris: Optimizing optimizing she top he was amazing. He was a genius. Sheepdog could do things. All the sheepdogs could not do. He could do things he was good with a pool cue. He was amazing. He was a genius sheepdog. He was a cool shark. He was a pool shark.

Chris: He could do cryptic texts. He did.

Chris: Cryptocurrency and he wore the best. He was an unusual he was an intelligent sheepdog. He studied with Stephen. Hawkwind Stephen Hawking taught him all about physics and synthesizers. But he only ever used the. IRA synthesizers made by Roland out of Grange Hill. And he always took. The pills he always had those speckled. They filled him full of. They filled him with the. Love of God of pop.

Mark: Then I.

Chris: The push up she thought he. Was amazing. He was a genius. She thought he could do things other she just could not do. He had a PhD. In modern film and media studies. Which is unusual in a. Doctor and lower than that he was.

Speaker

A pool shark.

Chris: And I'll explain his trickery. So you will know if you meet him. He went into Skipton on a Wednesday when the farmers were in spending their pay challenge them to A-frame out, and they laughed like farmers.

Mark: They laughed to see such fun.

Chris: They thought he's a dog. He can't be any good at pool he. Has no phones. He's got no forms. How will he hold his queue? And not let. Them win a few. Light few sharks too. They got confident, they got boisterous and. They got ****** and pumped up and he just smoked some skunk. He kept his mind on.

Speaker

The ball.

Chris: Not his own. Balls, but the ones with the stripes and the. Spots he did not lose his concentration. Oh no, because. Lots of the music, she thought. Oops, an amazing genius. She taught you can do things she just could not do. He's amazing. He's so good with the pool cue, and he let the farmers win. Nearly all the night, he filled them full of ketamine. They were talking shy and then he said laughs. Shall we make this next frame more interesting? And he put 50 ******* quid down on the table. The farmers laughed, thinking his ship. He's lost every game. They put their 50 down and they started to play and let the farmer break. He may fake mistakes. He let the Palmer really every stripe, really every single stripe, but then. He ate, balled him. He ate, bowled him, sunk the. Black. He took his 50. Quid and he went. Off out the. Back he went to the. Farm he got the farmer's wife he took. Her in the range. Over and started a new. Life and when the farmer. Came home.

Speaker

There was a.

Chris: Note on the kitchen table it was. In very scratchy, poor writing. Looked like the poor writing of a border collie too amazing for you are too amazing for you. And then that was from Bob. The knight said this. Your pin number. I've emptied all your accounts. Even the money you got from. The EU through Brexit. And I took your car. And I took your wife. And now I'm ******** her leg. But now I'm checking out like it's like she loves it and the farmer he wets, he cried. He wished he hadn't upset his wife. He missed his, his best, best friend he took. Time to go to Bradford. On the train, he was insane with the pain. Being left alone, his wife cheating with his dog. Man's best friend. ******* man's wife. It was too much to take. He went down near to the. Mosque at the back of the phone box he. Scored two rocks. He borrowed a pipe. Mucky as you like, he chatted to Chong it all. Went wrong and then coming past very fast. Was a Range Rover. Who was driving that car? Yes, you know. It was bought the amazing sheepdog he was listening to the farmer stereo. He is Paul. With on the farmer's wife ********. She was coming as he. Drove past the backyard of the poor. Distributing 3 drugs to the working girls so they. Could have a night off from for King Roulette. For ₹5, for King Lily, for ₹5, for Bradford habits that we all have to do occasionally. Looking really for ₹5 or €10. Anyway, Bob, he saw the farmer smoking his last rock he pulled. Up in the. Car, he said. Well, tell you what, farmer. I've got your. Wife, I've got your Range Rover. I've got all. Your money. You can have this. And he gave. Him a gift it. Was a gift wrapped box. The farmer was so. Happy. It was like. A Christmas present.

Mark: It had a.

Chris: Little ribbon and off drove Bob with the famous. Wife in the farmer's Range Rover. Well, farmers money. The farmer thought he's still my best. Friend, he's given me this present he opened. It right there. In the phone. Box and it had inside a dog turd. Sorry, but the mark, sorry.

Speaker

Do you want it? OK.

Mark: If you don't really radio, call that radio, call that radio TV.

Chris: Hey, mark.

Speaker

Who is?

Mark: We alive should call that radio live with captain Hot knives for the captain. Hot knives, open mic night. And I think it's just about time to bring on her first guest. Just a little reminder, if you're still watching us on Twitch or Twitter or Facebook, you need to click the link to go to YouTube. I've put it, I'll put it in the comments. But get the bus to YouTube. This is your the final call to get the bus to YouTube. If you want to watch the rest of tonight's show. So get the bus. To YouTube by here. If you're already on YouTube, then don't worry about it. You're here. Strap yourself in and get ready for our. 1st guest Chris, what do we what can you? Tell us about our first guest.

Chris: OK, now 1st guest coming up is A is a mate of mine from the punk scene cause 99% of the gig sent to be. On punk punk lineups. Which upsets me because. I'm more of a delicate poet. Than a punk rock. Oh, there's punk rockers there so and cooked with their amphetamine psychosis and their tight trousers enjoying themselves at public. By the way, this ladies, they have a really good he's been in a few bands in Hastings, down South and all of his bands have been ears are full of energy. The *******. Well, in performance and in. That gigs. They have the audience. To try and do human pyramids and. All this kind of carry on. Like people always get their gigs are like the beginning of an episode of Casualty. You can pretty much hear the casualty music in the background and with the edge where their fans are so mental, they do in human pyramids and stuff and. Then they all. Fall off of lighting gantries and things, and they fall on each other and you know, and the total chaotic mad currents. But this day. After years of doing these buns he's he's started his armband, where he's like the banjo. Player and the singer. But he's gonna do with some solo songs of this today, but he's absolute diamond fella, but also all the gigs I've seen him do. The pub just gets. Do you know there's people upside down in bins and carryings on and people? Falling off of. There's always at least three broken limbs at one of their gigs, so he's he's good lad and he's called Jason and he's coming. Up next, pardon me.

Mark: Jason Sterling. How you doing, mate?

Speaker

I did.

Mark: Quite an introduction, I hope none of our viewers are gonna get injured during this.

Speaker

And I.

Chris: Live up to it.

Chris: I might I might break my own arm just cause it's.

Mark: For those who don't know, Chris is a hell of a rape dancer, so I'm sure you'll.

Speaker

See his next in.

Chris: Yeah, I I I I'm intending a bit of head spinning during that.

Speaker

In the camera.

Chris: I've got a bit of a big bed.

Mark: Jason, thank you very much for joining. Thank you for joining us on the show and please take it away and we'll get. We chat after.

Mark: Yeah, yeah, that's cool. I'll play play song.

Chris: Don't run with scissors. Keep the matches out when the wolf is outside your door and you don't practice what you preach. Well, children now. This savage, when the wise and the words can kill you, you aren't even safe in your sleep.

Mark: Well, no, you.

Chris: Down you will go and we built the Tyra show. Drowning the hole. Now everyone's an expert. This is crazy catch. See well, this information overload. It seems obvious to me. Well, don't trust the doctors the trees have poisoning. Weaponizing all the culture can't see well show. This is all. And she turned it all. Too far of the matter is that not much has changed when there's a good time. The things that we are to deal with pain, but we are allowed to be wild. In this while. As history repeats itself over and over again. Horror show. And she drowned in a hole.

Mark: Asian stuff.

Mark: Down in the hole.

Speaker

OK.

Mark: Brilliant stuff, man.

Mark: Little blunder in the. Middle was a new one that only wrote. It about Mumford.

Mark: Well, actually being Chris were talking about last night, you just if it's a new one then nobody knows.

Speaker

Your car.

Mark: Just just style it out. I've got. I've got a live stream gig next Friday. And it's new songs, and the band haven't played them yet. Until we've got two practices next week to to get it right and you can't get it right. And two practices. So there will be mistakes, but I'll. Just be, yeah. What did you say, Captain? What is improv? Jazz improvisation.

Chris: Yeah, it's like, you know, if you stuck. Up on stage right? You work as a musician. You worry about doing it so much that I can't **** this up. **** this up and think you think that so much that you do **** it up. Whereas remember, when you when you're just watching a band, you don't notice. It's just a wall of ******* sound. The only. Times you notice if it's. If it stops. So I learned. It's only because I was a shift based player in ship bands in the 80s, but I. Realise that as long as. You carry on. It seems as if you meant to. Do it even if you're. A threat up from the rest of the band. You were a threat up from us on every single card through the whole gig. And I'm like that. Don't restrict my development. 2nd floor.

Mark: Right.

Chris: Probably to do that well, ******* improvise this.

Mark: How dare you restrict my development?

Chris: Yeah, yeah. Brian blessed. Actually came in out of the fire.

Speaker

And he was like.

Mark: The only, but the only bands I've ever noticed making mistakes are bands that actually love, and I've watched so many times that I notice it but but that, but then it feels like you're part of an inside joke because it doesn't.

Chris: Oh yeah. But you know, there's something up next.

Mark: You don't think any less you a banjo because they make a mistake. You just feel like part because you can see the the guitarist, the. Bases look at. Each other. And it's like yes, I like this. Band even more.

Chris: Well, I think Mark is this right audiences they're willing you to succeed more than they're willing you to fail.

Speaker 6

Are you?

Mark: And that's why that's where standard community then comes at 10 destroy a Heckler because, yeah, they wants the Heckler who wants to hear a Heckler.

Chris: As I. Yeah, exactly. Imagine people heckling me. I feel sorry for them. You imagine that? In a while of work with me.

Mark: Is there any stick in your mind?

Mark: Wouldn't leave the gig the same person they walked through the door.

Chris: Wouldn't even be. Able to help it. I'm just wired that way and just being like my dad used to make me fight and I hate fighting. I hate I'm **** at fighting. I'm much more cramp. I'm too camp for all that **** and I just wanted to do you know what? I wanted to be when I grew up. With Sid Vicious because. He couldn't play. But he was still there. I thought you didn't have to learn to play. I thought I could. Do that and I've. Got a bit of absolutely. Split at it. And then I was walking down the street and these lads saw me have a base. But in the early 80s, not many people owned the base on that estate. Do you know? What I mean is that what are you? Are you a bass player? So just lied and went oh, yeah, play it. I got it off these two smack her brothers that I knew and they'd nicked. It off somewhere, so I was like I just like. The look of it. And I said, oh, yeah, I can play it. So I said, do you wanna come to the waterfall on Tuesday? So I turned up on Tuesday and. Next to grammar Wiz and a bottle of red wine. And it.

Mark: That's what said vicious what?

Speaker

They did.

Chris: Yeah, exactly. In my heart pretty much, you know, like cartoon characters where the hearts coming out of the. Chest when they see it. Because I have that much reason, my little. And I was unbelievable. Now from the fat from, but I. Was Skinny, couldn't there? So my ******* heart. I couldn't play the best and I just came in the rehearsal. And they said, have you got an amp? And I went. No, it's love. You got a guitar lead? I went. Have you got a guitar strap and? I went no and. He said it. Said we've got three strings on it, mate. And I would like.

Mark: And don't restrict my device. I want to play.

Chris: On 3.

Mark: Finally, get by with three strings on the base if. You know what to do, only need.

Chris: Yeah, exactly. It's. One more string than you win. You have actually 2 mini strings.

Chris: Two strings on.

Chris: There's that old jerk into this guy and this little kid says to his dad. Dad, can I have a ******* tenner for a bass lessons? And it's like you'll never make a living at a music, son. Far more talented people than you have dyed in the gutter from drugs or they've got locked up mentally. Ill trying to be musicians. But the kids like. But Dad, just a tenner. I want to learn the basics because alright then. Is a tenor. So it comes back from lesson and he goes what have you learned today, son? And he goes, dad, I've learned all the notes and threats on the thickest string. So as well look quite good. It seems like you have actually been for a birth lesson. Fair enough. If he wants to do it, I think it's the tough thing to do. A Gaylord would play an instrument. If he's not bothering people or playing rugby, he's obviously gay, but very much. I'll give him a tenner next week, so if he stops being such a puff and there's a next week, the kids like. Anthony goes like going, then comes back after his second lesson and he goes. Dad, I've learned every note on. The second thickest string. So don't like bloody Alex taking it serious. Fair enough. He's no good at rugby and he can't ride a horse and he's got no more. But fair enough.

Chris: There's no Brian May.

Chris: Yeah, it's not Brian, man. He can't.

Mark: Ride the horse.

Chris: He's learning so much for the following week because that can have a tenner for for the best lesson you got thought you cancelled. Them so I'm. Quite impressed this third week you've done it and he didn't come home. Tonight the kid. It comes on three days later thinking like he's been dipped in. A VAT of skunk. He's covered in lipstick. He's got a new. Tattoo on his head. And he's lost the ******* bears and his dad goes. What the **** happened to you in the third lesson he goes. I did my first gig. You can do kick on two strings on the. Best I've got away with. It when I turn up for that rehearsal of the actual band. Because they could actually play. I just admitted that I couldn't play, but because people were so skinny, I was the only count they knew who had a bass. So if you teach me. To play, I'll learn it and. In six weeks, I did the first gig. The guitarist was really a penchant guy. He's still my mate now and he, he he had the front to show me like, put your finger onto that bit where the dot is swap that string 8 times, move it down, swap that it there. You know he broke it down to the level of an ADHD glue. Sniffing child could get. And I used to annoy the **** home little brother, cause we were in bunk beds. I'd be on the top bunk with this unplugged in bass, out of tune with three strings, imagining I'm saying vicious, just spraying the **** out of it like all night, and then my brother got so fed up that one night he waited till I was asleep and he put his feet under my **** under the the map. For us embraces back on his bed and he quickly he pushed upwards so that I. Fell out of bed while I was asleep. So I landed on the floor like bang in the middle of a dream and I woke up and my brothers. Then stopped playing that ******* bass. You count. I'm like ***** off it made me want to do it more. And I settled like you can't play rugby. You've got asthma. You're clearly homosexual. I'm like, look, **** you. I'm Sid vicious. And the more people told me not to do it. Then, but the first gig I had.

Speaker

A girl.

Chris: That had fancied for ages, and she looked a bit like that girl, you know, in this is England. There's that girl called smell. She's like a gothically. She was because it was the 80s and the girls did look like. That and this girl snagged my face. Off because I was in the band. And that with me. Then I I come home and says to my room I'm a best player. Now mum she's like. No, you *******. Are you getting a job? And I'm like, no, best players. Don't have jobs. Mum, I'm an anarchist now and I'm still out one. I'm still haven't *******. Told the lie.

Mark: Brilliant stuff, Jason.

Chris: Sorry, Mark, I'm sorry.

Mark: That's right. No, no, it's all good, man. I'm loving it. You're on form. I'm loving your stories, man.

Chris: It's a bit clunky.

Mark: No, it's it's brilliant, man. It's amazing, Jason. Just to bring you into the conversation a little bit, what's the best way for people to support what it is you do is that you got a band camp or anything that people can check out.

Mark: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like I had new EP that come out on the 6th. Of February this year. It's under Jason Sterling in the Blue Moon Band and I am.

Mark: Adjacent still and and and the word and. We're going to bring up the screen while you do your next tune. So and this the word and.

Mark: And the blue Moon band.

Mark: And the word and rather than the the the Prince symbol.

Mark: Oh, it might be the ampersand thing.

Mark: Yeah, I'll.

Speaker

Might be that.

Mark: I'll find out. I'll find out while you're playing. Jason, do you have? Do you have one or two more?

Mark: How many?

Chris: I don't know.

Mark: OK. What we'll do is we'll get two more tunes and then we'll get Victor Pop on. So just play both tunes back-to-back, mate, and I'll bring the I'll bring the band camp link on the screen so people can check it out.

Mark: OK, I'll crack on. Cheers.

Chris: Can't stop watch. Good book says Puppy where the world has got to become the shadow. You take it All in all you want. Words that take you back to the early day. You are yet. It's the locked doors and the last. And that is all I see. Now my eyes are still not all breathe. She turned away so long ago that the sight of me, so many loving, so, so hard. There was no. Now I'm the poison. In the well. The coldness will sue you as your heart beat. It's a locked doors and keep you safe from me when I see my heart. Shall be my heart shall be. It's a locked doors and the lost keys. You keep me safe from me when I lay them in through the cracks right back from me. And that is all I see. Staring away. My heart shall be. My heart's *******. I love real early and it's like you gotta go alone from town to town and I know. I too many stars and thought it again to my soul from all the decks I. The snake eyes. Always watching me, I say that's right, I said. I played the game all night.

Speaker

You know.

Chris: Watch me as I fall. Fortune tellers and ********, crooked money and plastic. I like this House. You want to recognize. The snake eyes are always watching me. I stand back, white said. I played against cause again. I know the gathering like that, taking it all. Watching as I fall. I cut my heart out and I cast it to the snow. I did it so long ago. I feel like a living girl. The ***** are loaded and the cards they are. Each step towards the edge. Wash the. As I fall.

Speaker

Brothers and sisters, brothers and sisters.

Chris: That's you, Danielle. Are you performing?

Chris: That great.

Speaker

You call that radio. Say hey, go along way.

Speaker 6

Hello. Hello. Hello, yes, this is dawn.

Mark: This is you call that radio TV right now. We've got the captain. Hot knives open Mic night tomorrow. We've got you call that politics a special about representation on Tuesday. I'm delighted to announce that Stanley Odd will be on. The show to. Promote their new album. So what is also gonna be playing a gig with me and Loki, Becky. Always stops and fly, the girl cried wolf, CCTV stegg Empress. Freestyle master. We're all playing a live stream gig next Friday that you can watch in real time. Team £8 all the money goes to refugee, which helps refugees in Glasgow and we've got and also the other half of the money goes to sunny Oven FM which does a lot of good work for the community. Wednesday night, we've got the secret Animal Garden party that was a garden that Tom the van mentioned earlier on. We filmed some amazing sessions and we're looking forward to that one. It's going to be a good one. We're right. Live right now with the captain himself. We've got Jason Sterling in the house as well. Amazing stuff for Jason. The link for. I've put it in the comments, Jason Stilling the the blooming band. There is no Ant. It turns out it's just Jason Stilling the blooming band. So if you enjoy this music, please go and show support by going into band camp and and downloading something that'd be brilliant. And Jason, have you got any? Memories of playing with. And what?

Mark: Yeah, loads. We've we've played loads of gigs together over the last, probably like 6 years. Like with my in my band. I played Matilda Scoundrels, which is a folk punk band on. Yeah, like when we've been mostly we played loads together more. So when I was in like playing with the band. Which on the highs at the. But yeah, I just we've known each other for years. Now we, we. Like we're.

Mark: Talking earlier on. About how someone always ends up upside. You know, we've been and always are my viewers safe. We got. I just stabbed myself. Cheers, Jason and.

Chris: It's just something.

Mark: And I thought.

Chris: About that man, he looks quite mild mannered and kind of like the Clark Kent of violent gigs. You think he walks in the? Venue think oh, these guys are gonna be nice and chilled, and then I'll let's turn. A like a ******* human. Pyramid and they're like sort of. It's just like what they're. Doing and I'm like that.

Mark: It's and he introduced yet another captain. There's a a guy we know called Captain Chaos. He might be tuned in just now, and he had the nickname, Captain Chaos. I've heard all about him spring break. I've even done a song about him. Called captain Chaos name. When I met him, it was a male man or guy. And I was like, I have no. Idea where where this comes from and then after a night out. Things happen. Things just happen. Chaos happens, even though it happens doesn't seem.

Speaker

It happens when you.

Mark: To mean it.

Mark: With Chris I. Remember, one of one of my one of. My fondest memories when we played at the. New Cross in about.

Chris: ******* hell, yeah. Remember when?

Mark: And we gave you. A lift back to him.

Chris: Gave a lift all the way back to here.

Mark: And we we were sat in the front. You and me were sat. In the front of the van and.

Chris: That will be really that, I reckon.

Mark: We just got wrecked.

Chris: Love me that my abiding memory of you as well because what what when you can't ******* drive? Because I'm told by neurologist. Don't drive a car.

Mark: I wasn't driving, by the way, when we did.

Chris: No, no, I'm not.

Mark: I'm pretty ******.

Chris: Yeah, it is in bands. The poor country who's driving everyone else booked and meaning were driving the vehicle is sat next to me and him were basically cuddling it.

Mark: Hey, Chris.

Chris: You know you're in that stage of drunkenness where you want to cuddle everyone, even put a machete. You're like. Come here, man. You'll just need a cuddle to get the anger. Out of you. Know I've done it. I've I've done. It the other year, when the first year. I've ever played this big punk festival. I won't say which won, but. It's in the northwest and I played it right and I didn't bother with that many punks till about asking. It's because it's, strangely enough, in the ******* outskirts of Bradford, you don't see a lot. Of skinheads walking by. It's not a normal thing, so I didn't even know there wasn't any. Left and I did this gig right and I've got this song called Prejudice to Wildlife, which is taking the **** out of racism by imagining how stupid it would be if animals were racist, cause people fall out over a difference in skin tone. But animals look totally different. I mean, what are octopuses? Are they? Not sitting around going. ******* hedgehogs. They haven't even. And they called the count. They're announcing benefit. I won't know how to please marry a ******* hedgehog. Denise, stop texting that ******* headbob and I. Thought if if animals were races they've got. A lot more. Scope at it, you know, and they. Turned into this mad song and I turned off my head and I met this Pakistani. Thing I called Barbara Locke, and he was the only comment I could bond with in the whole place. Everything else was a Skinhead. Instantly I'm thinking cause I was there in the year. 70S and the 80s and. Basically, in the 70s, skinheads were cool. And they went a regular and they pass you a joint and then in the 80s they went a. Bit the other. And I didn't know if things were 70s or 80s boys, if that accent. And I mean this ******* place, some **** in it. I've never done a big punk thing. I didn't even know there were that many punks still alive. And I I got put on there by random hand which is another mutual friend of ours, isn't it? Yeah, there's this band from Keighley called land demand and they were massive, like scar punk band. They had a really big crowd and I'd given away a CD outside a pub in Leeds accidentally to their manager. And he started booking me gigs. So I went from playing to three people at an. Open mic. It's playing to like ******* 300. 17 year Old Sky Punk fans and I'm like a 30 odd year old guy singing about weed thinking they're not gonna get this. What they did and I ended up getting. All the gigs out. Of it anyway, so when that one year I'm on stage and I thought I'm singing about the white supremacist polar bears, it's going down. Everyone's laughing. No one's glassing me. Nobody's stabbing me. I'm like, it's it's going grand. Everything's fine, even though the skinners. Are all laughing. And then I thought, what band? Would they be listening to? White supremacist polar bears. And I was trying to remember the name of screwdriver, which was a white supremacist band, right? And I've accidentally shouted. Out Coxe burrough. Which they're not allowed. At all. They're banned minding their own ******* business, but my tics. Have come up with a three syllable. Equivalent to screwdriver. Of the young booking band. So how should I?

Mark: Go cockblocker but.

Chris: It gets a massive. Laugh. So I thought I. Must have had like warm, because I didn't know much about punk. I didn't know. Who was who? The only bit of punk I'm knowledgeable about is the late 70s, early 80s punk. By about 1982 I've got. I've well, we're bored of. And I was bored of political punk, and the only punk that still listened to is The Stranglers. Both Cox stuff for things like the late 70s ones, you know the undertones. Some kind of ones? I don't really listen to like cooking, even though I've met them as people and they're lovely, but I don't really say, listen to GBH or exploited, but the early 80s. I was huffing glue. Out of a bag in the cemetery, listening to the exploited, you. Know like *******. You know when you have a Mohawk and you want to fight a. Lamp post. That kind. Of Area of point when you're just like what?

Speaker 6

Option One policies are.

Chris: Yeah, well, that is one thing. Another. But one is a view. Jason was once right. I've done this gig in London and the venue is called a new crossing and it's the SE London venue where I tend to put on punk and scar. If you're not massive enough to be in a massive venue. So we're we're, we're outside, we're having the crack. Me and. Were the joint pistis people on the world that day? I don't know what he had to drink, but I have everything I could get my. Hands on off. Even when we had anything and we were in the van, just cuddling each as well, the rest Lastings. And it was really freezing cold night. It was one of those days just before Christmas. Yeah. And like 24th of. December or something like that.

Mark: We have.

Chris: All the way there and I've. Got this one. Really sad. Song that I wrote, but it wrote my I don't really write my songs, write the self when the good and ready and I've got one tragic song called Hustlers Lament and. I put on the. On the stereo in the van and me and him were doing that drunken man. Sad. Happy, sad. Drunken mum, I love you, but I'm crying, but I'm not. I've just got a. Bit of onion on. My face. You know really doing that. And like, we're too much or too really cry, but thoughtful. And the driver is like. That I'm sober, you ****. ******* drugged up knobhead and they dropped me off in three hours from London for her because it was just.

Speaker

Yeah, I was.

Chris: Me and him. Having a love like I love you.

Mark: That was it. That was. The new Crossin did you say?

Mark: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mark: Actually, my friend is in the new Booker. I believe she's one of the bookers in that place. So she? She asked. Me to give a wee shout if anyone looking for gigs cause I think she's starting to book just now so.

Chris: You know what? You put in. Cause I've played it, I've been in. I've you know, in films where there's a vampire.

Mark: I really undercover hippy or duty player and it was a couple of other bands recognise how we look at the the else. Yeah, there was a few. It was a few names I recognised on the bill, so it looks like a decent venue.

Mark: Maybe there's lots of stuff on the top for the new crossing later in the year. There's some good stuff like there's.

Chris: Like some schools.

Mark: And stuff like lined up.

Mark: So if anyone is looking for a week gig in London, give us a shout cause she's she's Lou. Her name is she's booking, she's booking acts just now so.

Chris: Hey, I might I might. Fork one out cause I've got loads of mates on I've got.

Mark: Well, man, you know well, she's she's, she's brilliant.

Chris: A lot of mate.

Mark: She left Glasgow to go to London to start becoming a broker.

Mark: You still got me a joke.

Mark: And then COVID happened.

Chris: We should go sledding and this loss.

Mark: No, no. I think she's American. I think she's American, but she lived in Glasgow for ages. She showed she usually run.

Chris: Not that it matters. I just think of math.

Mark: She's run, Ave. you know, was dry gate in Glasgow. She used to be the Booker in there, but she moved to London to to pursue the music industry career thing. And it was like 2 months before. What would happened? So she's just got a new job, I believe. I think that's anyway. But Victor Pope actually cause Victor Pope been here since 6:50.

Mark: Well, I mean.

Speaker 6

Yeah. OK.

Mark: So get him on. I think you're gonna get on if you don't know each. Other have you met before actually?

Chris: I don't think so, Victor.

Mark: Well, that this is you have both played similar. He's both played the what's the Eden stage called again?

Chris: Or the melodrome.

Mark: The Melodrome you played the Melodrome as well.

Chris: Or we might have made sure that that. We could well have.

Mark: Alright, you didn't play melodrome did.

Speaker

We could.

Mark: You just went quiet.

Chris: Or you don't. Mark, I don't know why, but I can't hear.

Mark: Here to me there I can't hear you, man. I can't hear you. When you mute, you know. Mute you and see if that works. Could you give us a 1212A12 buckle my shoe? 1212. No sound coming in, man. Check your audio settings mate. You've just went quiet. I can't hear you. I can't hear you. Rodeo B while we're waiting while. We're waiting cause we're running a bit late. Now, as you would expect. It's the captain. What night open mic. Night, Rory, that is a a great hat.

Mark: I know I love it. I found it today. And I thought.

Chris: I thought you were in like a tent. I thought I'd get like in. The festival mode, yeah.

Mark: Yeah. Festival vibes.

Chris: Uh huh.

Mark: It's a beautiful sunset, man.

Chris: I hear you. I can hear you now, Victor. Sorry, sorry.

Mark: Victor Pope, can you give?

Chris: Us a win too. Sorry, Rory. I'm sorry.

Mark: Victor Pope, can you give us 1212 buckle my shoe? Just log out and back in, log out and back in. I think this is another issue. I think it's an issue. We'll try try again. Just come back. In man. I don't know something. If so, this is Rory will be OK so. Rory will be. This is Jason. This is captain. What knives?

Chris: Where did you find the?

Speaker 6

Ah, what's that, I.

Chris: That's a. That's a good, that's.

Mark: Don't know, I found it in my house.

Chris: That looks like one of the Stone Roses was. Just wandering past earlier on and he was. Like that.

Speaker

Oh man.

Mark: Rudy's Rudy's a great singer-songwriter. He's also a rapper. He also used to be in a band called Busta Rhymes that were above a hat on the festival circuit as well. They did some good stuff, which I believe are in hiatus just now, but you never say never. One of these ones and Rory is a. I think Scott. Some new stuff for us because I knew EP coming out soon, but I believe you're gonna bring back an old tune as a I requested this old tune cause I just thought this would be right up your street, so I thought she should bring back the job centre or something. It's actually called the Job Centre song.

Chris: It's called the Job centre song. Yeah, I wrote it about, I think maybe about six years ago or something when it was. When I was unemployed as a protest song against the. Job. So it's a.

Mark: Pop hat it's a pop sensation.

Chris: What the job centre?

Mark: Pro Job Centre it's a pro job centre song, I believe. Aren't they doing such a wonderful? Job. Well you can. Make your own mind up. You should make Ronnie. Take away. Take away. Go for it.

Chris: So I need to just do this 2 seconds.

Speaker

OK.

Chris: Ohh can you hear my guitar OK?

Mark: OK, so we sound check man.

Speaker

OK.

Mark: Yeah, sounds good. Sounds great, man.

Speaker

OK.

Mark: I've tried to get a job, but the woman down the job center, she doesn't help a lot. Why go and my bank from Universal Credit is wrong? The only option I think I've got left in offences against the law. It's against the law about skin for the past four months or so, I left my last job thinking life would be wonderful. I wanted more than just five hour shifts, and they're gonna punish me, my eyebrows. Step the guy and the tie spoke shift to keep us in line to me and mop the floor for the second time. Or, like, a multitasker for seven hundred a month, 8 under the thumb. My passions for music cause that's what diffuse is I'm gonna do. Let my lid helps me keep anxiety. Be leave a. Mark with the phrase like a nine to the face. I go hide in the haze of the fire that spray inspired by the way, like just hide in the create something much much better than the lack of awards. Being treated like a pig by your winter boss show loss. Try to get your. But the woman's done the job centre. She doesn't help a lot. Why? I've got my bank from Universal Credit. Only option. I think against the law. It's against the law, not technical sanction, to go the place, not as much as I was when I work the ****** job and Greggs workers at the Job Centre. They're condescending. I don't receive as much from. Them as what I'm spending. Afford the cost and try and make. A living off of music. And it's only books that I can pay that I'm raging best on each side of saying things about. I've opened the door. And the fire escape and educated. My talent is speeding up like a sound. Of the past, are you? Feeling, by the way, of remaining the. Past phase will be compounded some built on of a brand. Drive to see him. Just feel unfulfilled. Type of cash. Still still spill over the last bubble. Try to get the price in the right place and try to get you up. She doesn't help the law. The only option I think. I've tried to get a. Job, but the women? Doing the job center, she doesn't help a lot. What I've got in my bank and you know the only option I think against law. Against law.

Speaker 6

Yes, that that's all.

Mark: So I thought my plectrum like halfway through.

Chris: It's what you dropped it, but you didn't even let it kill the song you. Were straight almost gave going.

Mark: You just kept going.

Chris: And you your lyrics are ******* mint. Also have so many words or even know that. Many words, yeah, but I.

Chris: Got them all. I had to write them. All down to remember.

Chris: Quality that petrum thing. **** the plectrum band.

Mark: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mark: Yeah, yeah.

Mark: Yeah, my fingers.

Mark: But the probe can hear us. Victor port.

Speaker 6

Am I here?

Mark: Yeah, yeah. Yes, you are. Here live, yes.

Speaker

I really do.

Mark: Good stuff. Right, guys? I'm just gonna try a quick thing because I noticed that it was fine, but it was. I noticed it was getting a little bit freezy, so there's a thing. That I can do. But it might just make as it might make me disappear for a split second, but it will boost the Internet. It's so this is on. And so I need to turn this off and then it. So I might just cut off for a second. But it will mean that the. Internet will work better. As a result, and then we can get on with. The show. So let's see if this is on or not. OK, so got let me turn that off and disconnect. I'm back. OK, I think we're OK. Is everyone OK? Everyone OK? OK. Right. That should just make it a bit smoother. Rebecca Radical, saying love that round of applause and I love Ruby, says Petra. I'll do that and says sorry, guys need to dash. Green has landed big love Chris and Mark, and also you still get up to the bungalow and Paisley punking Sky Heavy.

Chris: I'm up for. That I've got a point.

Mark: Go to Paisley. I've never actually played the bungalow, but many of my friends have just not had their invite.

Speaker

I'll go.

Mark: That's an. Invite. I'm up for it. Hold on. Two seconds as a bit of a an echo, I'm gonna mute Victor Pope.

Speaker

OK.

Mark: While he's not talking because there's an echo coming through, cause coming through him. What did you say about Paisley Park?

Chris: I was just saying.

Chris: However, after numerous Facebook posts were Schelly jokingly.

Chris: To Jason, does he want to come and play a gig in Paisley in the future with with?

Mark: Us. I'm. I'm.

Chris: Up for playing in Paisley? Rory, would you, playing Paisley?

Speaker 6

Right, I've been.

Chris: Paisley, but not since like the early 90s. I used to go out in Glasgow from about 1987 till about 1993, I think there was a club. I think it might have been called the tunnel. There's something called.

Mark: Yes, the tunnel.

Chris: The yeah. And it was very kind of small and it had the massive sound system in the world and pills were the strongest and most expensivest they'd ever been. And they were like, 15 or 20. Quid peel but you? You'd have half a. One, and you'd wake up cuddling a policeman. You like that? Ohh, come on man. I love you. Can I touch you? Try and check the water.

Chris: You know, we're ******* so that those late 80s, early 90s, I was living in Scotland and I'd love to come and do gigging. Paisley if somebody's got. A gig for us to do.

Mark: Well, it looks like that was an invite. I think I don't. Know if that was from a.

Mark: Yes, I'm sure come.

Chris: Jason come with us. Victor, let's all go there for the crack mark. My little Presley joke was that's where Prince recorded Paisley Park.

Mark: OK. Well, it's actually freezing. Because it's next to Glasgow Central, there's a there's an old saying and you know you're talking about spontaneous ***********. If you don't, if you don't want to get get, get someone pregnant you. It's called getting off at Paisley.

Chris: All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mark: You remove just in time. Remove yourself from the situation. Just in time was called getting off. At Paisley, yeah.

Chris: Do you know my birthday? Mark, right. If I'm ever sort of having a ride which might lead to a baby, and I think I better not have a baby because I'm ******* disabled, not cares, I'm a liability to my own self. I would be the ********* dad in the world. Like if I was a dad and my kids said. What's for tea? Be like that risler. You know what, I. So I thought better not very, very babies, but from from close to the point of having a baby with someone. Do you know what I do to take away the *********** momentarily? Picture missus Thatcher. And that's it. You don't. You can't. You can't come down. I've had written. Out with me because I had to. Think about Mrs. Thatcher at that moment and then that's what I meant about them. It's just like, no, if you, Mrs. Thatcher kills any chance of ***********, believe me. Especially for younger generation, she.

Mark: That captain, what nice version of getting off at Paisley. Getting off with. Maggie Thatcher. I've gotta bring Victor poop into this conversation. Don't worry, you've still got another song.

Speaker 6

Hello yeah, I've got my headphones.

Mark: What I do is is just make make sure that the sounds OK for you. So if you want to just give us a song. Victor Pope. And then if there's any. Then we can solve that while Rory plays his songs.

Speaker 6

Right. OK. Can you hear me?

Mark: It's sounding good. It's actually sounding good.

Speaker 10

Right. Yeah, I've got the headphones on. I think that's the problem. Right? OK, I forgot. Right.

Chris: It's just something to do. Every once in a while. One country lake. Because until it's full. Sites to our natural urges. And any tests to be public.

Chris: Turning the wall and making the most.

Chris: How could you have put the kettle on?

Chris: Then you'll appreciate that.

Chris: Reaches the checkout.

Mark: There you go. That's that.

Mark: Excellent stuff.

Speaker 6

Hello does anybody?

Speaker 10

There in the back that that that was that.

Mark: And stuff we've still got Jason here. We've still got Rory will be here and, yeah, amazing man. It's only good. We've got some comments coming in. There's a few people later, I think a few people are behind the times and the captain. Sorry, captain. Sorry, captain. There you are there. Victor Pope, you have new new music. Telling people how how they can get that music.

Speaker 10

On the band camp, we've got the Victor Park band that's currently released, a new album. It's just. Fresh half half. The press called the theory of being nice first sequence, and that's available on on the Victor Paul band band Camp. Or is it the Victor port band dot band Camp dot. From and, it's soon coming on Spotify and all that crap. On Saturday. There it is. Yeah, there it is. Yeah. There, there you go. And it's that's the I just played the last song on the album there is and and then we're getting on Spotify on a week on Saturday.

Speaker

The one.

Speaker 10

I think we're on Spotify and all the other stuff, iTunes and all that nonsense. I just wanted to. I just wanted to.

Speaker 6

This kid who was.

Speaker 10

The first ever gig I ever put on it was called. There's the camera. George Martin can suck ***** in hell and if you see the headline act was captain odd knives. Build is the funniest musician you ever lived in the Fenton at Leeds. And if you're under the Fenton in Leeds.

Speaker

How's that?

Speaker 10

But yeah, that was the first gig I ever put on. And you were. That you were the headliner? It was. A good gig.

Mark: I thought you looked.

Chris: A bit familiar. And I thought you meant I'm Scottish. I thought everyone that was on the show was. Scottish except me.

Mark: No, no.

Speaker 10

I moved to. Edinburgh, I'm Scottish now. I'm Scottish now.

Chris: Alright. Yeah, yeah.

Mark: Wait, wait. Did.

Chris: That put the gig on at the.

Speaker 10

The gig of the bedroom.

Chris: Did you?

Mark: Did you used to live in Leeds then?

Speaker 10

Yeah, yeah, I used to live in Leeds, yeah. Yeah, yeah. The Chapel town.

Chris: Oh man, you know what? My, what, my mate. George calls me. It it always goes. Leads Stringer beads. LSD and two U because it is in the word, leads less LSD and two E's.

Chris: Right.

Mark: Yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 10

That's quite, quite.

Chris: Now I remember those fun and gigs and I told what I've the Fenton is the only venue. I've come to do a gig and been thrown out of two of my own gigs. Before it even started.

Speaker 10

Well, I was actually trying to get myself thrown out of that gigs. I thought be funny if it was the first ever gig. I ever put on and. I got through out of it.

Chris: You got.

Speaker 10

So I was burning. I burned an effigy of George Martin in an attempt to get brought out. And to set the place. Right. But it didn't quite work there.

Mark: It's quite hard to get thrown out of the fence.

Speaker 10

It is, yeah. They just love to be imposed, OK.

Mark: It's quite hard. To get paid in. Leeds I found we played Leeds once and the guy tried to pay. Too easy, too easy, and leads. That's what they tried to pay is too easy and we drove all the. Way from knocking gorick. For a gig and we had to go. Back to knocking Gorick, there's. A couple's mate. Cheers, pal.

Chris: Mark, can I? Can I just say right? I've I was born. In Keighley, right, which is a small town on the. Outskirts of Bradford. But my dog from an estate in Bradford. I've grown up around Bradford, but I've lived in needs a couple of times, but Bradford and Leeds are a bit. Like look at it this way. You know how it's Newcastle on Sunday? And like Newcastle's maybe got a bit of a bigger football team, a bit more money, a bit more investment, Sunderland's a bit more gone and a bit rougher. And Leeds and Bradford. Are kind of like that. Leeds is like we've. Got really nice shots. You you know what I mean? And Bradford's like, well, everything's on fire. Mate, you've got a shop. How do you? Stop that building, you count. We're just. The thing is. In fact.

Chris: I like Edinburgh, Glasgow, kind of.

Chris: Yeah, I was like, I lived in Scotland for a few years.

Mark: Well, it says it all that you can drink outside in Edinburgh and you can't. Anywhere else in Scotland?

Speaker 10

Not anymore. Not anymore. No, it's not.

Mark: Yeah, I know. And I see he's all I. See, he's all been moaning about it on. On the Internet.

Speaker 10

Well, I was doing it today.

Mark: Everything's been going or you can't drink outside and it's like, welcome to the real world. Welcome to Scotland.

Chris: You know when you said? The words getting paid and the City of Leeds in the same sentence. I was quite them together. Yeah, an old saying about what's the difference between Bradford and Leeds right in Leeds to stab you in the back. In Bradford, we stab. You in the ******* front, we tell.

Mark: You why we.

Chris: Stabbed you. Then we wing the ambulance. Then we. Roll you a joint and then. We gnash off in a car.

Mark: It's like that time Glasgow was voted for any city in Europe and also the stab capital of the world.

Chris: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mark: Are you about to play a song, captain? Hot knives?

Chris: I could do.

Chris: Well, if anyone else wants to update.

Mark: Well, I think we've got Rory, I can interrupt you. Rory set. So I feel like. Rory's got. OK, So what we'll do is we'll, we'll do, we'll do toofie Rory, 2 from Victor Pope and then it's Captain. What knives? Time. We've also got Rebecca. Radical, who's going to join us soon. And Petra's going to join us in two as well. So. If if guys I just want to click the link to get in the green room to get backstage, that'd be brilliant.

Speaker 12

Did we?

Mark: So, Rory, you've got two tunes for.

Speaker 13

Is that right? Two more.

Mark: Go for it, man.

Speaker 13

Yeah, yeah, sure. And this is called carry on.

Speaker 2

I've got a really rubbish cup, OK?

Chris: How you doing?

Speaker 14

I hope I eventually find my way home. Second hand from the front of the. Entrances to the. In the summer, sorry, you're supposed to be. A garden in the sun full of. People playing slow like the snow. I wish she never takes a tennis and festivals to put any excuse to get me involved. We have a tendency to turn to creatures of the neighbor whenever we see the sun red shots again. The flakes from our back, we stand in the shade with three liters showing closer passes by telling us to speak clear. We try. We've had too much to drink and we. I wish they're never going to this mess. Picking up the summers coach, I've only just met. Look for any excuse to leave. I'm not quite sure what was going on in.

Speaker 11

My head but.

Speaker 14

Now it's filled with children. So young I could just carry on. Just got it. And will you stay? With me tonight to make sure I don't put my life at risk by doing something daft. When all my friends and I collate, we make explosions in the night and hope these moments never pass. And will you stay with me tonight to make sure that open my life for the rest by doing something down? With all my friends and I could.

Speaker

Later we make.

Speaker 14

Explosions in the night and hope these.

Chris: Moments never pass.

Speaker 14

I hope I eventually find my way home through all. The good vibes that seem. To be going to get going by noise to. Just carry on. Just carry on.

Chris: Yes, thank you.

Chris: Thank you.

Chris: We should do this line up as a House party tour. Well, we could just, we could have us on in Hastings. You could have us on where you live. You could have us on in Edinburgh. I can put us on in Bradford. And then we're all we're.

Speaker 6

Sounds good.

Chris: All quite simple. We've only got acoustic instruments. If you came to my house, you wouldn't even.

Speaker 6

I've got band.

Chris: You got a full one, but you. Could still get.

Speaker 10

It is.

Chris: In the van. Do you wanna come and play the 1:00?

Speaker

Yeah, yeah.

Chris: Do you wanna come and play? At the winning 12 club in Bradford with this. Line up when it open and then we.

Speaker

I haven't. I haven't played one.

Chris: In 12 in 15 years last time. Then shall we do? Shall we get the? Winning 12 with this line up.

Speaker 10

Yeah, man.

Chris: Also, any other guests that come on?

Speaker 2

One in 12 said it's there's.

Chris: Great, great venue. It's a great venue. It's a legend even. The rats are ******* anarchists on that street. We must well educated rats I've ever ******* woke up next to rats come up to you up by doing 12 and they've just eaten DAS capital. Why is it coming up to? You are you. One of the lumpen proletariat, my friend. You like? Sorry, Robbie. Come on, dude.

Speaker 2

This is this tunes us a bit bit more of our downbeat and this is called those tainted beer goggles.

Speaker 14

Stare into the sunset like the best. And to bless stars and name. And strained inside and moving and bless. I'm trapped and I'm trapped behind the steering wheel. Approaching the harbor and. We reached out. And grab the last few minutes left of the saw time and denial is the only leaves fall. These tears are freezing. They are cheeks, are they tears of happiness, or do we mourn the times that we lost? We lost. With thy laid eyes and smiles, simply stover our faces. So sad that we hate from the crowd. Will love and life to the fullest, and we never guess that holy ever feel saith when there's no one else around. Because this was all over nothing, we promised each other this would never end. And as we lay in the sun, no recollection yesterday. Holding your table and. It go harder and harder to hold on.

Chris: Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 14

One day we'll look back on these same rules 10-8 beer goggles. Remember good taste or just forget the bad, get drunk on nostalgia, lead to rested past. All over nothing. We promised each other less would never end. And as we live in the sun. Yesterday, old in your table hands. Christmas was all over nothing. Let's be honest, for one son. Come to. Terms with the end. Because as you push me away for recollections yesterday forced me to understand.

Speaker 11

Harder and harder to hold on. And God harder and harder to hold on. Hey, go harder and harder to hold on it go. Harder and harder to.

Speaker

Thank you. Brothers and sisters. Made a piece that. Can only come from one God.

Chris: Be upon you. We are here to tell. The people that we hear you some God will not allow us. And people of conscience to lose. Pharrell, we see the primes of this government, how they support every spectator and turtle on this earth.

Mark: Yes, Rory will be.

Speaker 13

Thank you. Thank you.

Mark: Rory, how can the people hear more? Rory will be.

Speaker 2

I'm actually well, I've me and my new band of manners are to release an EP soon. I would not got like a release date but it's all completed and everything. We just need to wait for some stuff to. Happen and we'll be releasing it. And I also have also just recorded the solo EP that was Becca staff and did a lot of work for me on as well. So that's that will be out the month after that's called the Sun. Will rise so that will be out very soon. Basically that will be on band Camp, Spotify, you name it.

Mark: And there's a rumour that you might be appearing in the secret Animal Garden Party a week tonight.

Speaker 2

Yes, yes, yes.

Mark: It's we're all very excited about. It's a very special show for Tom and memory of Kyle that we've been working hard on behind the scenes over the last few days and it's gonna be amazing. So do see your reminders for that one. Next, this time next week, it's going to be a Belter. So also I've got to say, man. That line about holding on. I love how you held. No for longer than I thought you were going to.

Speaker 2

Thank you.

Mark: Be able to do it is how much practice.

Speaker 2

Yeah, it is quite a lot of practice.

Mark: That was a good talk, though. That was a good talk, captain. What knives? What you making? What he will be?

Chris: ******* quality, man.

Speaker 2

Thank you.

Mark: I went a bit like oh, you know.

Chris: You know. That rabbit there's. Have you ever been forced to watch that old cartoon wash it down?

Speaker 6

It's like.

Chris: Really brutal.

Mark: And then just grab it.

Chris: I don't know how.

Mark: They got away with that man. It just kind of scared, everyone's shouted.

Mark: That, that, that.

Chris: Film was basically quite proud abuse, wasn't it making you? Do that. So go home and. Have a ******* you go home and you're eating the same. Crispy pancake going.

Mark: Bambi. Bambi is well.

Chris: Just The thing is what my reference to wash it down. I'm a bit like that rabbit. Called fiver. And he has seeds.

Mark: Well, it's called fiver. It was a rabbit called.

Chris: And they have seizures and he's.

Mark: Always fiver.

Chris: What's that?

Mark: Am I on this rock, fiver? As in like A5.

Chris: Pound note. Fiver and he's.

Mark: Five of the rabbit.

Chris: He's he's the one that goes all the. Time be quick.

Mark: I smell danger in this place.

Chris: With anxious. He's always anxious for.

Mark: I was. I was listening.

Mark: You did your last favour.

Chris: I was listening to Rory then and I was in my I. Was just like. Thinking I'm free of anxiety at this. It this musics got me took me on a on a on a on a mission. So I think that's really beautiful and should be looking applauded.

Speaker 13

Thank you.

Mark: Support of you, Victor Pope. Have you met Rory in the festival? Seen before? Have you seen each other before?

Chris: I don't know. I just don't recognize the spares we met.

Speaker 13

Yeah, yeah, Canada.

Mark: He's made.

Chris: After we met.

Mark: He's made a burned in each other. Definitely man.

Speaker 2

Yeah, probably bump into each other at some point, yeah.

Mark: Yeah, yeah. 4:00 AM.

Speaker 10

Probably, but yeah. Usually instead. Yeah, not silver for.

Mark: So these comments coming in Nice voice, Rory says Ally Grant.

Speaker 10

Long at first.

Mark: Yeah, says Sharon Sharon, the patriarchy Drysdale. And by the way, Sharon actually said a really nice message. To you earlier. On it said. We're going to. He said that, captain, you've kept me going. Thanks for the friendship. You're a legend.

Chris: Thank you for ******* your friendship. It's not me keeping you going. It's you keeping me going as well. Do you know what I mean? This has been the weirdest year of everybody's life, ain't it?

Mark: It's been.

Chris: Working out, I mean whatever level.

Mark: I've I've. I mean I've I've. I've personally I've worst years personally, but it's definitely been the strangest when. There's no doubt about it.

Chris: And it's put us all. Into this weird thing. Where. I've never literally. Even when I used to be in, I was in the psychiatric hospitals in the 90s and they'd put you into isolation if you had a fight or something, but only for like about two nights or something. But like the first bit of clothing cause I got so sick I didn't have any contact with any people except by by a text or phone for six months, except for somebody putting food into my yard and then ******* off and me going in the yard and putting the food in the house for six. That's never happened to me or any of those before, has it?

Chris: And I nearly.

Chris: Buy, but I couldn't. Even talk to nobody or cuddle anybody. So you know what I'm sending now is we're a month or two away from being able to actually have the crack and being with each other and got come on. These chap loads of ******** for many days. Until we just do it all again because. We can and. One thing it's gonna make. More think we've. Never knocked back anything because, like, we've just had a year of nothing. Yeah. Won it and it's not anybody's fault and it's not.

Mark: Was he called it the the No cracker lips?

Chris: No cracker lips.

Mark: The no cracker lips?

Chris: I don't know. Not even my word. I think that might be my mate from Cork who said that but no cracker lips. Kind of summed it up. It's not.

Mark: Five of the Hairy Bikers? They're the son, captain. She why? Their son called five of the Hairy. Biker then we'll get to put one after that.

Chris: We make sure.

Chris: I love having a challenge to make up songs.

Mark: OK, it's called fiver, the Hairy Biker. Take it away, Captain.

Chris: There was a biker. His name was fiver. He was Harry. He was a survivor, but he was anxious all the time. Being very anxious was his crime being so anxious, he over for everything. He couldn't even go to the pub without drinking several cans. Yes, social anxiety, ma'am. So when he got to the pub that night, his mate said you look ******* shy. We gave you something to cheer you up right now. They told him outside to meet another biker. The other biker was called cheap biker speed mate. Cheap bike speed make cheap back speed cheap back speed. Predictably, eat, add some cheap biker speed. They gave it to the ladder, as anxious as if that might be what they might need. It didn't really help the situation. In fact, it made it worse, and five of the Hairy Biker he started to wobble. And Kirsty. Said be quick. I smell danger. In this place. Five of the Hairy Biker he. Always wanted a fiver, he. Never wanted even an eighth or 1/4.

Mark: Or 1/2 ounce.

Chris: He was the most annoying count when he tried to score some weed, cause all he'd ever part with was the five of what he needed and every dealer in the land hated him. He was a SWAT asking for a fiver's worth like that, usually at 3:00. O'clock in the ******* morning. Even then, he wanted it on Tick King got it off bike speed. Mick got his speed off back speed make cheap back speed back speed, Mick.

Mark: He was the most anxious spiker.

Speaker 10

But I carry in the world.

Chris: And he smoked some more PM and. He sat on the sofa and he went.

Speaker 6

Yeah, I've been a bit tired.

Chris: What's the end? I did my best to that.

Mark: That was good, please.

Chris: That was five.

Chris: There was singing guy that wanted a song about.

Mark: That was that was mark, five of the Harry Baker. And he says brilliant. What can you say? What can you say? Exactly. Sharon was enjoying that. Victor Pope. Is in the house. Victor, poke your neck.

Speaker 6

Oh, right, OK.

Mark: I believe you've got a couple of songs.

Speaker 6

Right. OK, alright.

Mark: For us.

Speaker 6

OK. I'll give it a go. Alright, we'll.

Speaker 10

Do this one. Then let's planning today. It's a bit anyway, right?

Chris: 123 step. I hate myself and I'm very, very lonely. Sad poetry. Ice cream.

Speaker 6

Right.

Speaker

Strange food.

Chris: You pulled that radio.

Speaker

Makes a coherent sense.

Mark: We live if you call that radio TV and and we've got the sympathy **** of Victor Pope there absolutely great.

Speaker 6

Right.

Speaker

That was.

Mark: But comments coming I'm dancing to sympathy, ****, says Sharon. The patriarchy Drysdale.

Speaker 6

Right.

Mark: She's not really the patriarchy, by the way. She just Scott, she told me to smile. But The thing is that I'm not used to it. Normally when I'm interviewing someone, I have them on the big screen because I'm trying to keep an eye on the comments and do things at once. But I know that it's it's better for you, Chris, to to have the chat, the crack. Well, sometimes. Sometimes I don't know. My face is doing if I'm listening to. I mean. I'm not.

Chris: Do you know what?

Mark: Don't let. Don't let yourself think about it.

Mark: I'm not. I'm not, I'm. Not even thinking about it cause normally I just make the person full screaming.

Chris: You know.

Mark: I'm interviewing them, so we're talking about my face.

Chris: Well, you know what? When I sing a song. You can put a full stream and then you can catch up on all the other. Bits that you want. Cause I've got used to this now it was. Just the other mum. It felt like I was thinking on my own, but I know I'm not, if that makes sense.

Mark: Yeah, no, I know exactly what this is.

Mark: It's been a surreal year.

Chris: I didn't. I didn't have even anyone come into my. House for about a year.

Mark: I can't wait. I can't wait, though. I do quit.

Chris: I like the reaction and the interaction.

Mark: Yeah, I like it. Well, I do like it. I do like it.

Chris: Have a little break from. You being on the screen and I can just I I can. Handle it now. Mark, I've had enough alcohol.

Mark: Well, we've got, we've got another guest lined up in the green room, some another song from Victor Pope to come.

Mark: I'd like to.

Mark: But I'm gonna bring her on just now because she's she's she's on the bookie, so. I'm just gonna see how she's doing better. How you doing?

Mark: How you doing alright?

Speaker 12

OK, mom.

Mark: I think Rebecca Radical, you already know, Captain. What knives? I'm not. Do you know Victor?

Chris: I do. I don't know.

Mark: You do, so you know everybody.

Speaker 12

I don't.

Speaker 16

I'm going to play my Buckfast song in honor of Captain Honey.

Chris: I've missed I've.

Speaker 12

I've not actually.

Mark: You, Rebecca gonna get to play one more song? Cause I don't actually know if he's. Got stuff to. But he's been here. I would like to. Yeah, you better.

Speaker 10

Get some beer before the shock shows.

Mark: Go quick then.

Speaker 10

Really told you about beer?

Speaker

Looks like everybody.

Mark: There's a little bit of a. There's a little bit of feedback in your voice there just now. Man, I don't know if something towards him.

Speaker 6

All right.

Mark: The sympathy **** actually added to the the sound cause it's just like. Kind of sort of an effect. It's cool, man. It's it sounds quite good. It's not. It's not. It doesn't sound bad at all. It's actually good.

Speaker 6

No cat, right. We'll go then, right.

Speaker 10

My last song.

Mark: Yes, Victor, Pop, and I'll bring the the the band camp on the screen for people who want to check out more of it, which I would recommend that you do.

Speaker 6

Right, right.

Mark: I met Victor quote randomly at the Edinburgh Fringe mean. I told the story. The last of your own, but in case people didn't catch that I was Edinburgh Fringe me and Joe were supposed to be heading home. A long long weekend in Edinburgh and then we got handed a flyer. I think it may be yourself handed. Player and it was such a great name of the EP was gradually more.

Speaker 10

The invention of delusions seemed why was it the second one, the infinitely modulated and modulated?

Mark: Infinitely more deluded, and as soon as I seen that and I fire, I went. I've got to see this and we went and it was a an amazing show. And then it turned out, you know, by by, in a weird turn of events that we've got we. Shared the same synth player as well.

Speaker 10

Yeah, yeah, she's still close.

Mark: Doctor jazlyn? Well, doctor jazlyn.

Chris: It was.

Mark: Is coming back to Jackal trades next week. I hear this is going to be there.

Speaker 10

Yeah, I understand. I understand.

Mark: So it's just coming back up to Scotland and looking forward to getting a wee jammer next week and and just a wee shout outs to that gig actually for anyone who's not aware of it already, it's going to be taking place in immersive TV. It's a. All the money goes to Refugi and Sunny G it's DG Freestyle Master. So where I impress CCTV they guys are the guys that made this album. That I'm wearing.

Chris: OK, love, love today. It's an.

Mark: Amazing album. It's a concept album.

Speaker 12

Is that?

Speaker 16

That you get. And passes on. Sorry, is that the junior empresses on the album that empire?

Mark: Yeah, impress is on all over the album. It's like every it's the second album that they've all done together, and she's like a character in it.

Speaker 12

She's amazing.

Mark: What they do is amazing. So got that. Don't stick. Fly. Locate Becky walls. Girl Craig will from Jack and praise will be live in real time. It's £8 if you want to just. Watch like you're watching this just now, or you can pay a tenner. You can actually be in a wall of zoom calls so we can actually see you reacting to this in real time. And you can Heckle this or whatever if. You want as well. So that one this next Friday and it will be Jackal trains first full band gigs since 2018.

Speaker 2

Stand for Android.

Mark: We never got to plug. It the way, it's not all about me, it's. About about the.

Speaker 6

Talk about me.

Mark: It's all about.

Chris: It's all about.

Mark: You mate the victor popband.bandcamp.com. If you're enjoying the tunes. And take it away, man.

Speaker 6

Right. OK. Right. OK, here we go.

Chris: No losers. I'm there. Winners did Jamie Oliver said school dentist? I'll be absolute beginners.

Mark: It's all just smoke and mirrors, mirrors, mirrors, mirrors, berris, berris, mirrors, mirrors, Maris, Maris, Maris, Maris, Maris is all just smoking mirrors, mirrors, mirrors, mirrors, mirrors, mirrors, mirrors, mirrors, mirrors, mirrors, mirrors.

Chris: Is the President of Forney? He's the lazy boy. More cozy you all young girls want a pony? He was Tony. Macaroni does the job, make you more happy? Should I teach myself? Is the new Star Wars from crappy? Whatever happen to Daddy? This Kendrick Lamar, a genius. Why is this distance between us for which this is the meanest, newest God, as small as it is?

Speaker 6

Is there an?

Chris: Unsuccessful law, who is behind the green Dog? And I said, well, let me your resolution is recycling. The solution is caused by what's the deal with 9/11. Even if the devil is. Sims and is God 7th heaven is my goal. Is there such a thing? Yeah, 1234 is right. What is wrong? Flowers gone. Where you all? The lonely people belong. What's your karaoke self?

Speaker 12

Now that.

Chris: Paris, Paris, Paris, Paris, Paris, Paris. Is it selfish to fear? Which side? My poetry pretentious is our, you know, is that traffic, water, friendless, is this question relentless? Is there such a thing as love? Why is stopping? So I want. Is there rhyme and is there reason why there are only Four Seasons? Has the most past. What did I, my son, turn into class? How we use it too much plastic is the death sentence too drastic? How strong is the coalescing? Is the darling of plastic political correctness the way forward on my nerves? Is this Brexit thing a mess? Could I even careless? How thou losers? How that winners did Jamie Oliver said school dinners, how we absolute beginners. Is it all just smoke and? Mirrors Mars Mars Mars Paris. Paris Paris Paris. Paris, Paris. Paris, Paris. Paris. Paris. Paris.

Speaker 10

There you go. That's up.

Chris: Right. If you wanna keep you, call that video. Teen stream. Call that video.

Speaker

Strange mood of. Our time.

Chris: You call that radio.

Chris: People that we hear you.

Speaker 12

One job will not allow.

Chris: Here you go. OK.

Chris: Hopefully you want. To see it.

Speaker

You call that great? However you want to see it, that's kind.

Mark: Of part of the fun, powered by our patrons.

Speaker 6

Brothers and sisters, brothers and sisters and sisters.

Mark: We are indeed powered by our patrons and thanks to everyone who supports us at patreon.com/you call that radio. That means that we can do these live streams. It means that we can do the audio podcast, which there's another new one out today with Martin Glover. The legend that's out now on Spotify, Apple and all the usual. With cash policies. We also do events. We do blogs that you call that.com and it's just not possible without everybody supports it. So if you enjoy any of the stuff that we do, then you can geese a pound. That PayPal dot me forward slash, you call that radio or you can sign up to the patron, which means you get bonus material and giveaways. We do. We like our raffle, we like a week. Every now and then, we just watched Victor Pope absolutely smash it. What I shouldn't. What a ******* true man.

Speaker 10

Yeah, yeah. No, it's. I like that one that. We sent off to some bloggers and they quite liked it, so we might, you know, maybe you never know you. Remind remind me next.

Speaker 6

It we've done a.

Speaker 10

Video for it. We've done a. Video for it as well.

Mark: Amazing man, you say I I'm doing my weekly reviews just now, but I didn't do one last week because we were filming all day, so I'm normally doing the Friday afternoon, but I think I might be able to.

Speaker 6

We're coming.

Chris: Out in a couple of weeks.

Mark: Do it this. No, I wouldn't do next week. I'm having a week off. I'm shooting a music video for the new Jackal trades, one this Friday as well, but give me send me over. Remind me and I'll I'll add it to the next one man, because that's a tune.

Speaker 10

We could. I'll definitely do.

Speaker 6

That right? I've gotta go now, 'cause. I really.

Speaker 10

Need beer? I've done this whole thing.

Mark: Scott, well, feel free.

Speaker 10

Without beer, I can't, yeah.

Mark: Feel free to pop back in once. You've got yourself some beer.

Speaker 10

Yep. Yep, I'll.

Speaker 6

I'll pop back up.

Mark: What is meant?

Speaker 6

OK.

Mark: Stuff like the Pope, ladies and.

Speaker 16

That was good.

Mark: Do you enjoy that? It's amazing, really. It was really good. Someone saying please don't talk about Jamie Oliver, come on.

Speaker

You're more and.

Mark: You're not sticking up for Jimmy Lover and you.

Speaker 16

Turkey twizzlers.

Mark: Got Mark Mcinnish saying. Victor, don't forget your beers. Yeah, quite right.

Chris: Well, yeah, got money needs.

Mark: It's a it's a good excuse.

Chris: To get to the shop.

Mark: Alright. Yep, your belt. Or says Becky, always nice haircut. Thank you. Well, Becky, you you, you left will use words. You were still playing, I think when I went away from my my haircut on Friday. So I think the first half of the show I've got with the long hair and then I I had to get. It cut man. Before they make haircuts illegal again. Last time I was I'll just get my I wasn't bothered. In December. I'll get it cut in January, but then obviously it was made illegal to get a haircut again.

Chris: I think. I think they're going to legalize it.

Mark: We may, I think we've got to enjoy it. While we can, because I don't know, who knows. Figures cause I'm feeling positive today, though it's great news that we're gonna play in our venue in social distancing, but at least that's better than no gigs.

Speaker 12

It's not something something to work with though.

Mark: It's something work with somebody who at least just somebody go, Darren says. It makes you look 50 years. Younger. I don't know. Rebecca, I think. Rebecca, I find Jimmy very, very Patrice.

Chris: OK.

Mark: No, that's fine. OK, I get you. So you you hate Jamie Oliver, right? That's fine. I just just really surprised that you be sticking up for Jimmy all over. Of all the things we've said in these shows, you're suddenly I thought you're offended by anyone slagging Jimmy over. And I don't think he did save school dinners. I don't think he did. And then his answer to the. The question of Victor's post earlier on.

Speaker 6

A bit.

Mark: Becky, feel free to jump on for a tune if you want as the captain. What names open mouth, mouth.

Speaker 16

I have had the ball and a half a breakfast today so.

Speaker 12

I feel like I have my hot.

Chris: OK.

Speaker 16

In fact, the cat and what names?

Chris: We share it. Take it away.

Chris: It should happen.

Speaker

You have to move so much that.

Speaker 16

Your pals passed out three times on boot. Already, since you started talking. Yes, right, that's.

Chris: This person.

Speaker 12

Hey, Matthew. Gonna be.

Speaker 16

Captain John.

Speaker 12

Panda, panda.

Speaker 16

Ohh mate, it's lighting at the end.

Chris: You pull that radio.

Speaker

Makes coherent sense.

Mark: Amazing stuff.

Chris: That was quality. ******* hell.

Speaker 12

About you no voice.

Speaker 16

At the moment I lost my. Voice completely over the weekend because I. Haven't seen anybody in that long. And then when I was graced with company, I'm like talking that absolute face off. So I'm just starting to get my voice back and I still Can't Sing.

Chris: The the ******* what? It was that showed exactly.

Mark: The effects of book fire. You know what I mean?

Speaker 16

To me.

Chris: It's like I got introduced to. I didn't know about book faster then in about 1987. Right and moved to Sterling. And the neighbor puts me here. Do you want some some tonic wine? I'm thinking that sounds quite light. Nice, you know?

Mark: Quite posh. Civilised.

Chris: Right. Right.

Speaker

Like wine.

Chris: Like, darling. But, you know, give us a go at that. And about 12 ******* minutes later, I'm in the next pub going try to write a check. You said and the thing and the dangerous bit about Buckfast, is this right ******* the caffeine aspect.

Speaker 16

All my money.

Mark: Right. Well, you, you, you can't have any stimulants anymore, yeah. Why you what I can't. Believe you're drinking dragon soup as well as breakfast. That's mental, man.

Speaker 16

I bought 1 1/2 about fast and I won the Dragon suit.

Mark: You're still. You're still quite young. Notice you're still quite young. You get away with it. Suppose, but it's like I've noticed. I get. Even getting the coffee does wrong for me these days.

Speaker 15

Can't stop.

Chris: You know what? Well, you know what I if you love so much.

Mark: Captain, coming up. Scott, sorry. What you saying, Captain? First of all?

Chris: If you laugh so much that you snort, that's the best thing.

Speaker 16

Ever. Yeah, man, I'm happy.

Chris: Being genuine laugh. That's like some people almost fake laughing and smiling, but if you laugh so much that you make so smart on the back of. You know, or even. A bit of smart goes on your. Nana's dog or something? You know, you've actually had a funny moment.

Speaker 16

It is what it is.

Chris: When I accidentally.

Chris: Accidentally projectile vomited towards this woman who was walking a dog. It really went on the dog.

Mark: But at the same time, I thought that is amazing woman, which was the same point. But like, like everyone saw a guy vomit out of a taxi window into the open window.

Chris: Of a police car so that the copper and I'm that next to him going this is going to go well.

Mark: You know, like oh this. Is going to be a quiet evening.

Speaker

And then.

Chris: But but first, right when I first got shown. Book first you.

Mark: Can lose. You don't even know what's happened.

Chris: I've heard people saying to me like, what the **** were you doing last night in my pub? And I'm like, I didn't go out and like, you really went well. You were crawling on all fours with the girls on your back and you were shouting. I'm a horsey. I'm a horsey.

Mark: And I'm.

Chris: Like what I. Do you know what I used to like doing? Mixing Buckfast with Valium. So that you don't even know what's going on.

Speaker

You're in the chip.

Chris: You're in the chip shop, but you might as well be on ******* Star Trek. You like that? Beam me up a fish. Supper, you ****.

Speaker 16

I don't have that power.

Chris: Yeah, yeah, yeah, having all.

Mark: The heads can't do it, captain. Captain loves last night. Last night, captain. What was last night? I spoke to you on the phone and you told me the story of how you met. Eddie Izzard, do you want me, do you?

Chris: Oh yeah.

Mark: Want to do a song? About that. I challenge you to write a song. About that.

Chris: No bother do. You know what the sea is? It's somebody gives me an idea.

Mark: That's what's your idea. I just. I just thought it was quite a funny story.

Chris: I don't know what I'm saying.

Chris: If in a. Gig, somebody shouts out. Write a song about an epileptic looking seagull.

Chris: How are you?

Mark: Well, let's let's put that out to the crowd as well. If anyone wants to hear us. Captain, what names you decide what the subject is.

Chris: Alright, I'll tell you. What I will do to be pop?

Chris: But it's all about Brian the sausage, Brian. The sausage must have a song if if they.

Speaker

Right.

Chris: Yeah, yeah.

Mark: Back to bring the sauces. We're focusing on Eddie Izzard based on a true story, the time that Captain hotness met Eddie Izzard and. He told the story last night. And I just thought it was funny. I just thought it was funny that, captain, when? I was met. Eddie Izzard. Rebecca didn't hear, you said.

Speaker 15

However, after numerous Facebook posts were Schelly jokingly.

Chris: London train dehydrated. My brain needed food so I.

Speaker 2

Went to the place. Where they sold the food, but the food all up.

Chris: The girl behind the counter. She did surprise me, she said. Is your name Captain hot knives? I thought I would feel as she had me. And she said that went to be out of every year. And she loved captain up knives and gave me free stuff.

Speaker 3

I got free.

Speaker 4

Stuff on the train.

Mark: I bought 3 stuff on the train.

Chris: It cost the women's men new mice. In the tree it was 30 years that he was on TV. He had nail Polish. On his only little. Fella, it seemed quite nice. So I said, do you want some captain up my CD? He's and he looks a bit uncomfortable cause I'm very large. I've got involuntary movements and the sale of cannabis. I was thinking. After sleeping.

Chris: On the Bender.

Speaker 2

In Leeds the night before, but.

Chris: To paying respect, his nice fella, he took the CD's and he went back to. His seat? I. Like to think that when he got home. He listened to at least shabby Muffy. That's the first track on the first CD. Or I'll never know. But if I ever do see a. I'll buy him a pint. Fair folks to editors, fair folks to the man. He's ******* funny. When he first came out. ******* loved that ****. Anyway, it's inspired this next bit of the whiff. That's the end. I did not.

Mark: As you call that radio TV, we're live with Captain Hot Knives. Before we, we've got Rebecca Radko's gonna do a spoken word piece next, and we've got, I think we're probably going to our final guest in the night warming up in the Green Room area. We've got I wanted to share this room. You know we're talking. About Bob the amazing is. Sheepdog yeah, I was wondering. How you rate this meme? This is the new. Part of the show called Captain Hot Knives, rates the meme. Mean rating. Suppose joining the Super League is like me walking in at the Crucible and putting 50 pence on the table.

Chris: Alright, I get it, I get it.

Speaker 2

If you're a.

Chris: Football fan that would make sense to you. Because I didn't really grow up with football, I've had a jumper for ages and I had it for that long until somebody told me it. Was Glasgow Celtic?

Mark: You've got the you've got. The big Celtic jumper we should.

Speaker 4

Life. Life.

Mark: We should. You watch the last captain. Hot knives open right now. If you want to see the the glory of the the jump on the big.

Speaker

The jump.

Mark: I asked what it was.

Mark: Obviously, if if if you're tuning earlier on, you'll be aware that that captain Hot Knives has a an involuntary tick, which obviously Celtic are known as the tick. I don't know if you're. Aware of that?

Chris: Well, what's up?

Speaker 2

One the the.

Mark: The tick Celtic are called the tick sometimes.

Speaker

Are they?

Mark: So I don't know if you can. Maybe work with that?

Chris: Yeah, that's kind of ironic, you know, cause.

Speaker 2

I I don't.

Chris: Follow any football teams at all, and if? I was gonna do. I'd be.

Mark: It it feels like James's made you a Celtic fan. No, no, no.

Chris: Long it's long before James he that I even met Jamesy because what it is what draws me to the idea of class of Portuguese. They do things like they support Palestine. Are you in there? And I'm in Bradford and I'm thinking these guys are sound. You know, it's like not many football fans do any politics. But so they could do in like sort of socialist. Left wing kind of Irish pot.

Mark: Let's see. Let's see the jumper. And then Rebecca. Rebecca Radical's got a. A poem for him.

Chris: Sorry to be a fat old.

Mark: Get a ******* dumper on me.

Mark: It's taps off weather tonight on you call that radio TV.

Chris: No, sorry. Where on? I've had all the.

Speaker

Mushies I don't.

Chris: Know I'm doing.

Mark: Was a pile of clothes.

Chris: Look, you know there's punk rock jumpers like Popper, punk rocker ones. Yeah, well, my mate. Mate caramel mates, then.

Mark: Like something?

Chris: Look at this.

Mark: Yeah, pump jumper. It just happens to be. Green and white, I get, yeah.

Mark: Well, you weren't. You weren't accidentally wearing. That in Belfast, when you were telling. Your story in the.

Speaker 2

Morning. About your no.

Chris: No, no, no. What I had done in Belfast when I was really high and I started my brain, started wanting me to do Republican tips. I had on an out Harrington so it's tartan. So I don't need a tie. And jacket. I was stinking of ******* marijuana. And I was. My mouth was trying to make me get killed. It's done it. In other places as well. For in other words. But yeah, I'm sorry if I'm **** on these things, but. Look, this is the jump.

Mark: No, that's good. No, it's you've got a good. Good angle, yeah. Petra. Petra's in the house. And obviously, Captain, what he's aware of, Petrus was on the last captain Hot knives open Mic night. And I went in my bed.

Speaker 4

Where is it?

Mark: And they just they had an after party till.

Speaker 4

Would you set 1?

Mark: 10:00 AM in the. Backstage area of the show, which laughed for me.

Speaker 11

We did. We did the I think they say we chewed the fat, we chewed the fat.

Chris: What should fact the flat?

Chris: There was no.

Chris: Left no baby.

Mark: Rebecca's got.

Chris: We're going to.

Mark: We're going to bring you in a little 2nd. I believe you've got a song for us, is that correct?

Speaker

Yeah, I'm going to do.

Speaker 11

A cover song? Yeah.

Mark: Yes, amazing. The copyright robots will absolutely. Love that Rebecca. Rebecca. I believe you've got a spoken word poetry first, so please take.

Mark: Yeah, I'm gonna do spoken word selling that.

Mark: It I mean.

Mark: I'm releasing in. A couple of days. The guy that made the beat is called Rich durag from doing so. A ******* buyer. Picture this you've. Just played a really good gig and you're. Well, more than slightly. Fished, absolutely chopping at the bit result. You can invite. It down after. Can you read something? Bodies are bounds and. You have got. To love a dancing the walls of council housing guy in the corner says, can have the base don't know music or that tasty tasty taste I think would answer. Something from his face. I sometimes speak and I live with these these days, people cutting shapes to get people, things all good people having this please. Someone shooting off about the means of production or how someone knows a split with the caramel infusion. You can't. You can't help but love. Did you hear that bass, mate? That's the stuff here, can you? Rule this because. I can't see their power. I have been to myself, you see, talking about how when we get one. Fishing alcohol instead of safe bucket. 93 is cheese. Talking about his. First love. And ask around and comes for hugs. Some chitties harmless, but I think I'll keep my distance. I just want to dance me. Gary, you're free in a minute. I just wanna dance. Get out your break in a minute. Cannot come there. And cancel one dance move. Sleep to the baseline. Yeah, I've got to love. I'm adding. My thoughts are interrupted by our voice. It's like aladdins. A rabbit. Really, man, have you not seen a ladder off? Having the time of his life. Control of one eye. It's no surprise it happens sometimes.

Speaker 2

Let's see.

Mark: Rebecca radical. That was amazing. Well done.

Mark: I can't believe that the. Member go to work too.

Mark: My pet rocky says great.

Chris: Like that.

Mark: Yeah, he. Always says yes, yes, yes plus yes. Plus one, I think that.

Speaker

It's not fruity, it's that.

Speaker 11

Fruity time of night.

Chris: What it is right?

Mark: You got the. You're on the you're on the.

Chris: This is important knowledge. For me, you started drinking and doing solvent abuse as a small child.

Mark: Eventually you need through your body vegetable. Everything again right?

Chris: No, no. If you get past the edge. You're still alive and you eat an apple and a banana. It cleanses your liver of all the toxins that have ever gone in.

Speaker 4

It that's.

Mark: Obviously this is.

Speaker 4

What will happen?

Mark: This is captain.

Chris: We have not.

Mark: What knives? Not doctor. Hot knives. So don't take any medical advice from this man.

Speaker 4

Yeah, yeah.

Mark: Knives, holistics.

Mark: But an Apple, an apple and a bananas not gonna do you any harm. Let's put it that way.

Chris: It depends where you put. The banana.

Mark: What the loving the ring group, the Ringu references on that link. Says Charlie. She's Charlie. The guy who's gonna be Charlie blue glass. Is he gonna be on the show next month?

Chris: If you're interested.

Mark: Charlie, if you want to be, you're more than welcome to join us next month, cause we're gonna do this once a month, cause we have. We're having a. Lot of fun doing this show Rebecca, that shouldn't you're just. You just played there is brilliant.

Mark: Here's I'm using.

Mark: She goulag on the beat, who obviously had on the show before he was brilliant, so you cause we did Rebecca Radical's birthday party. When you called that radio and it was a. Great night. How can? People hear this song and all. Glory and when?

Mark: It's in a couple of days. I've been releasing it on my band camp just. Search Rebecca radical. Are releasing it on the 23rd, so yeah.

Mark: The 23rd. Friday, give me a shout, Rebecca as well about doing the review.

Mark: I've made a music video and.

Mark: I'm not doing any.

Mark: Everything I went through, Joel. So everything's out on the 23rd.

Mark: Give me remind me to review it, I'll do it next week cause I'm not doing any reviews this week because I've won't get any time. Peter's pointing him as if she's got. Something to say? And then saying captain.

Speaker 11

Of course, I have been honored.

Mark: Meanwhile, captain, what? He's pointing a a brand of skin. I'll go with Petra first, Petra.

Speaker 11

What you're saying, Mark?

Mark: What were you pointing to him as if you have? A point to make I was pointing to.

Speaker 11

His banana skin baby.

Mark: Alright, OK. Wait, hold. On wait a minute, I've got something. To say that kind of point.

Chris: I wanna do that.

Mark: Hold on.

Chris: I just wanna do that.

Mark: All right, OK. OK. So we're we're all, so we'll go.

Speaker 4

Not mark.

Chris: Mark, what would be literally the most dangerous thing for me to do with this cause. I'm just about to do it.

Mark: Well, well, yeah. Throw it there. You wanted to land just before the toilet door. So cause you know what these shows are like, it's very hard to find the the time to have a pee without seeming ignorant.

Speaker 11

Yeah, yeah, that's true.

Mark: So so why don't we do a song about that? Also Charlie blue glasses. For it. Nice one child. We'll see you. Next month we've not. Got a date? It'll be running at this time next May. Sorry, this next month, not next week. It's me. So what do a song about? Rebecca, have you got? You said bring the sausage or whoever's with you, said Brian the sausage. OK, so you slept with that?

Mark: I can definitely go. We're. Buying the.

Mark: Gonna go. It's his captain's turn, and then we're gonna have Petra. Then it's Rebecca again. We're gonna go round like that and we're. Gonna finish fairly. Soon, we're not gonna be going on all night. I don't think. We're gonna wrap up quite. So we're gonna. We're gonna do a song about bring the sausage and the bananas and the banana is slipping on a banana. Getting petrol? Would you like to add anything? Into this this same song. Got his makeup.

Chris: I would just like say be very.

Mark: Careful, be very careful. Be very.

Mark: OK, he's not gonna be.

Speaker 11

Well, never be careful. It's too. Late for that.

Mark: We know he's not. He's captain, it's. Captain hot night. He's been asked to do a song about Brian, the songs and slipping on a banana skin, and it's the try and be very careful.

Speaker 12

Ohh already.

Speaker

All right.

Chris: That seems straightforward enough, mark. Brian the Fotage slipped some smaller.

Mark: Right. So she's skin based, being very careful.

Chris: But he should have been.

Chris: Really careful. He wasn't.

Mark: Well, it's up to your imagination.

Chris: OK. Right then need to think of a riff to put it to.

Chris: I have one.

Chris: Small sausage called Brian.

Speaker 2

We had to.

Speaker 10

Are sausages that were made with.

Speaker 2

Office switch.

Chris: Millions of women chance straight onto a Bahamas game.

Speaker 2

Greasy sausages. It's not health and safety to do that.

Chris: Sausage and swap. That's the end of that one, mark. I reckon Matt's gone to the shop now.

Mark: No, I I had tea. Sorry, but.

Speaker 3

Right, right.

Mark: Yeah, I'm here.

Chris: To get those subject.

Mark: The great we've got, let's say Charlie saying. Nice one. Let's keep in touch about the date. We will do, man. We'll figure that out and the. Next, we'll figure. Out this week, banana, apple. Make the make the Doom song. And he's from Iceland. OK, we'll maybe get back to that. I've got. You're the captain, remember Barbie? Ben from the road protest days. I think Ben said he was one of the guys trying to buy tickets to Sydney, Australia and. His glue song. But I might have got. That wrong? Can you confirm or deny this claim? This furious, spurious claim? He was the guy in the glue song.

Chris: Not the guy that was trying to buy tickets to Sydney, Australia, which happened in Glasgow. Do you know the star?

Speaker 4

Of that bit of the.

Chris: Should I do the? Story of it for the does. Anybody else know?

Mark: Well, we'll take it. We'll do it. We'll do that. Why don't you do the glue song after this place?

Speaker 4

Pull up my.

Mark: Just gonna give us a song. Petra's gonna give us a song and then. And we've got one more for the Becca and maybe we could finish on glue.

Speaker

Oh yeah.

Mark: Cause remember, finish on glue. Because we are at, we are at 5 past 10, captain.

Mark: Something about that?

Mark: We we had a big conversation last night about how we needed to be finished by 9.

Chris: Yeah. Yeah, I'm not.

Mark: Cause we're up early tomorrow and we're already at 5 past 10.

Speaker

OK.

Mark: So we'll go for. A song from Petra. Take away Petra.

Speaker

Right.

Speaker 11

So you mentioned Prince earlier, so I'm going. To do a Prince song. Prince Song, is that tell? If that's too loud or anything, Mark.

Mark: You just now. Play a bad guitar.

Speaker 11

It's pretty soon.

Mark: Play my guitar at the same time, just there'll be quick sound check here.

Speaker 11

All right. How's that?

Speaker

It sounds great.

Mark: Sounds great. Take away.

Speaker 11

It was covered by Cyndi Lauper, but Prince wrote it, and you mentioned him earlier.

Speaker 13

Time after time.

Speaker 10

Just like a train.

Chris: You were so strange. Doing that, the decency to change those that you don't care. Because I love you, baby. That's what. I love you more than I did when you were when you mine so. I was blind. I didn't care. When she was there between the two.

Speaker 13

Let you go.

Chris: Don't care because I. Love you, baby. That's no lie. I love you more than I did. You were you. Now she's with you.

Speaker 13

Let you go.

Chris: I don't care because I love you, baby. That's you. I love you more than I did when you were born. I love you. More than I did when you were.

Speaker 4

Yeah, like like mom.

Speaker 2

Radio. Radio.

Chris: Radio. Radio. Studio studio.

Mark: Name names.

Speaker

My name.

Speaker 2

Give you.

Mark: If you call that radio TV, we are live for the captain. Hot knives. Open Mic, night petrol. Just absolutely smashed that and I was just thinking that song. Do you notice how we just you're slowly hearing a little bit more of that, that riff, that intro, that music that we've got, Captain? Petra, Rebecca are with us.

Speaker

What I.

Mark: Think we're going to do is is. It's actually a 5 1/2 minute song and like all the all the intros and what would you call it, jingles that we have are all usually about 4-4 minutes long and no one's actually heard that the full songs. So what I think we're going to do this month is everyone who's a patron is going to get a free album called Now. That's what I call you. Call that. The deal, and it's going to be like 7 songs of jingles and you are used to hearing 32nd snippets. These are actual full songs that people made, and if I was them, I'd be ****** *** at me for not just playing the full song. Spend all that time making a 5 minute song, and then we only use 30 seconds. So if you want to get that. Album. Then you can sign up to the patron at patreon.com/you, call that radio. We do raffles, we do giveaways as much bonus content as we can. What?

Speaker 11

Is Amelia Bailers Jingle a full song?

Mark: Maybe you need to you need to be a patron. To find out, am I not patron anymore?

Speaker 11

Oh yes, I.

Mark: I think they cancelled. I think you cancelled.

Speaker 11

I'm. I'm off.

Mark: Again, I think what you did was a strange better as you actually were one of the people that paid for the year and then cancelled a month after it, even though you you've missed out.

Speaker 11

I would really deny or if it was. All to do with PayPal and.

Mark: You you were. Actually paid up for the year. It's like buying a season ticket and ripping it up. It's like you didn't like the manager. That's what happens in.

Mark: Did you?

Mark: But you still got you.

Speaker 11

You still got paid.

Mark: I get my cut of.

Speaker 11

Still got. I got.

Mark: The kick I'm.

Speaker 11

I'm going to.

Mark: Not getting a raffle? You're not in the raffle anymore. No, I'll but I'll, I'll, I'll I will try and remember to put you in the raffle, but it's difficult as it is to try. Do digital raffles. It's controversial and complicated enough without me having to remember. Oh, as Petra, she paid for the year, but then she cancelled a month later, ripped up her ******* season book. She did enough for the manager and I better put her in. The raffle, but I don't know what I don't know. Yeah, you could be annually. Or you can pay monthly a couple of.

Speaker 11

On on.

Speaker 4

On on the.

Mark: Pounds picture a pint or a piece of coffee. If you can do it monthly or annually, it's.

Speaker 11

I'll get on it again. Speaking of money, Mark and.

Mark: What? What have I done?

Speaker 11

Cryptocurrency. Yeah, crypto. Yeah, you need to get a trust wallet.

Chris: Yeah, and you need.

Speaker 11

To buy some safe room and some elongate.

Mark: So this is you now the expert. After watching my show a month ago. You've studied that and now you are the expert and of cryptocurrency. OK well. I I'm into it. It's just I don't have enough money to. Actually, I don't have spare money to invest. But I'm all well.

Speaker 11

A tenner? A tenner would be. Good, but you need to you need to. Get someone who?

Mark: Knows what for you.

Mark: I'm waiting to. About £100 until I've got £100 and then I'm gonna go for it because I I was convinced when we had the guy. Grant, who's amazing, he explains it in a simple way. I think that we should be getting on the Bitcoin train or or whatever or the the alternatives, but.

Speaker 11

If moon and elongate and you get it on the trust wallet and you have to do it via pancake swap, it's quite complicated. You need to. Get someone to help you but.

Mark: Disclaimer, can I just make a disclaimer? Just like I said the other one, the captain's not a doctor. It's not, doctor. What knives. You can't give you medical advice. Petra is not a financial advisor. She cannot give you financial advice. Do that. Don't risk. You call that radio. TV accepts no responsibility for anyone losing all their savings. I don't think anyone that watches this has any savings. But just in case.

Speaker 4

You know, I mean, just think somebody's got like.

Mark: Just in case. A fiver, fiver or a wee fiver rabbit? OK, captain, that's. About to play something, we've actually got a special. Well, Captain, did you have actually, were you? Did you have a thing you were gonna do there? Would you feel? Inspired by cryptocurrency to.

Chris: Yeah, it's gonna be more cryptocurrency tube.

Chris: How you doing?

Mark: OK, OK, do a. Cryptocurrency tune then we're gonna get Rebecca and.

Speaker 2

It will be really short if you really, really short.

Mark: Then we've got. Training special guest in the evening. Who's gonna do something?

Mark: How small and digital?

Speaker 4

I will come on Wednesday. I was promised in.

Speaker 12

I thought I.

Chris: Should have been invested in cryptocurrency. Which one should I choose less of looking? Many which one should I use or I use?

Speaker 13

Take it up your love.

Speaker 2

Invested in or even for one game called Trust.

Chris: I have difficulty spelling. Accidentally I've invested in £1000 worth of practo currency.

Mark: Or wasted £1000.

Speaker 4

Cracked chocolate and. Due to one letter being should have kept my browser shut.

Chris: Their **** on my foot.

Mark: Eyes *******, bro. I'm sorry bro. See, that's The thing is like, it's like a it's it's invisible money. It's like a it's it's like a a thing that doesn't exist, that everyone's going for, but.

Mark: Launch my own.

Chris: I've gone to a current.

Mark: Crab 2, crab 2 currency.

Chris: Currently it's like based on the the amount of **** on your on the front of your train.

Mark: But you've just actually, man, we we're going to have a show. Honestly, we maybe bring Grant on to the next captain. What they've show to explain it's NFT's I think they're called. I'm not gonna get all my. Yes, I don't know if you seen the one which you read or had you read on the show a couple weeks ago.

Speaker 11

Yes. And did you art?

Mark: And with Grant on explaining to me injured, but it was pub quiz night so we deleted it from that night forever because we. Can't have that one. But it was a it was really interesting. So we're gonna do a a normal version of that show. And Rebecca's radical. I believe you have a song. For this one more, one more tune.

Mark: We here this one cover.

Mark: That'd be brilliant.

Mark: It's been a while since I. Played this all the way through. So hopefully I can do it.

Chris: Appeared to the.

Mark: Studio and I gave. Up to me and he said. You, Christian, isn't like you music. You know this love music, especially for so long, I several years ago and the people. That God is. He said that God. Has gone by. Everything you. Just asked her persistence in Mexico, her sister said. She gave it. To me, under one condition, she said. I'll give you the gift, but you should get the upload, she said. OK, the gift. You should get the fleshed. Never. Never.

Speaker 10

You call that radiant raining radio. Almost every night, every night, every night. He's gonna be streaming that stream and that stream of that you. Call that radio, radio, radio. TV shows, TV show. Every night, every night. To be streaming live streaming live streaming live.

Mark: And that's one of the songs that will be on now. That's what I call you. Call that radio. If you sign up. To the one that's a.

Chris: Rebecca, I love your punk.

Mark: Rebecca, I'm sorry you smashed that.

Chris: Thank you.

Mark: The cool smashing that Rebecca, how can people keep up to date with all all the things you're doing from the you know, you've got your acoustic style stuff, you've got band stuff you've got. And like that, that I'm loving this new kind of electoral spoken word crossover. You get your poetry stuff, you got all your fashion stuff, and there's just one place where it all this happens.

Mark: I feel like I'm not something. You're starting on. Facebook like Rebecca, but if you if you search Rebecca article, you get me on YouTube band Camp. All those kind of things.

Mark: Rebecca radical.

Mark: But we don't have deep Ridge like.

Mark: Well, you know, I think Petra may have another song. I know that captain. Hotness is definitely one more song. I think we're gonna finishing the song. The pop hit glue. But before that, Petra. Before that, Petra, we've got one final guest on who's joining us. I believe it's. The last new guest of the evening, and let's just do a. We haven't done the. And we'll countdown tonight. So let's just. It's all over ******. Oliver Pisssed is in the house. How you doing man? Could you just try and say something and 1212?

Speaker 6

Not bad, not bad. How's it going?

Mark: OK. Do you do you, in fact, it doesn't really matter if you're if you're doing a piece because. But yeah, just just what you do is do the poem first because.

Speaker 6

1312 can you hear me?

Mark: Yeah, there's a bit of a delay, but. It's OK, man. Just do a do a poem, and then we'll chat. Yeah, just just do. A poem. And then we'll get the crack.

Speaker 6

Very good. First time. Everyone's getting here. This one setting about my granddad who? Passed away quite recently, so I'm just. Gonna rattle through. It alright, here we go. It's called DNR. I've lived life before. My family's my wealth. I may be in my 90s, but. I'm a picture of health. I called my. Loved ones and me explained why it's not being so strict that we all must comply. I've been wearing recently. I've seen all the news, the whole pandemic thing has got me confused. I called my family to ask them all why all the rules I grew up with no longer apply. I've been unable to see them since this all began. I'm just watching my grandson grow into a man. I called him today to let him know why you don't worry for me. I'm not saying goodbye. I'm feeling lost every day. I'm getting depressed. All this anxiety and fear is making me stress. I called to complain that you probably just sighed. I don't want to cause fuss. I'm just not that guy. I've been isolated so long, but it's for my safety. I've been lonely since my wife died when I was eighteen, I called my daughter and she explained why she's busy with work, so she can't always reply. I've developed her pain. I'm not sure where I am. A black date. Again, I don't want to alarm. I'd call in vain, but who'd hear my cry? I'm unable to move. I think something's awry. I don't 999 and the NBC eventually got through. We've been on low so I'm sending help out. To you I. Call out in pain. I'm left wondering why and ambulance would be in such short supply. I'm spoiled on the floor. How did I end up here after surviving a year of nonstop misery and? Here I call out in your name as I stared to the sky, my life starts to flash before my mind's eye. I played a lifetime of service. I've paid all my dues. This pains got me nervous. I've nothing to lose. I call out in disdain. I'm just wondering why I paid for your service, but your help I can't buy. I've clapped like a. See you every Thursday night. But now my vision reveals only colours and light. I call back again. I'm still wondering why our NHS heroes. No one even. Why, and delirious with pain? I feel the end. Maybe now. But I'm not ready to meet the big man in the sky. I call this profane, totally unjustified. My governments decided it's time that I die. I think it's already too late. The pangs intensify my weight in my fate. Without a tear left to cry. I call this insane. Can't see any reason why we're all in this together, but I'm left here to die.

Speaker 2

You all have made it all you all have made.

Speaker 4

All that.

Mark: Versus you're coming out. This, as you call that radio TV, that, that Jingle you just heard, will be on now. That's what I call you. Call that radio. We just heard a a passionate poem from Oliver Pist. Very different from your normal stuff. There's about the way. Man, do you have do. You have any earphones all. Do you have earphones? Cause like there's just too much a delay to have.

Speaker 6

Yeah, yeah.

Mark: A conversation you plug in my because. Yeah, man, it's just. It's just the with your phones will.

Chris: Fix that. Are you all of that?

Speaker 4

But yeah, but.

Chris: Oliver, are you listening on YouTube?

Speaker 11

You need to be on stream yard.

Mark: Yeah, that's true. So unmute your mic, you unmute your mic, Oliver. And then I think I should be able to join the conversation your your. Mic's muted with your. Unmute the mic. That should work fine. Captain hot knives. I think you've got a song for us. Yeah, you need to unmute your mic all over on stream you out. There's a little button where you can tip where you can. You can tip off. We'll try and come back to over piston talk a bit more about his poetry, captain. What he seems to have an idea. So I've learned to just let him go with.

Chris: That's what we eventually learned in the secure unit.

Speaker 4

A lot of mum. I want to stop you.

Chris: Just going with it. So this one I don't want to sing. The glue song because it's very loud. And it's a bit late and it's a week night in it. For my neighbours. But I could explain that bit of the glue song that you were on. About but I forgot.

Mark: Well, no, no, no. If this is the finale if. This is the. Then we're gonna have one. Petra first. And then we're going to end with the glue.

Speaker 11

This is just. This is just a wee one. I'm going to do a mellow version of this one for the captain. It's from 1978. The little punk rock sessions teenage kicks. I'm going to make it. Really short.

Chris: I Teenage Dream. So hard to be. Every time she walked down the street. Another girl in the neighborhood.

Speaker 11

When she was mine, she looks so.

Chris: I wanna hold her. Want to?

Speaker 13

Hold her tight and get teenage kicks, right? Through the night.

Chris: I'm gonna call her. On the telephone, I need excitement. When I need it.

Speaker 13

And she's the best I ever had. One older, one older tight and get teenage kicks right through the night alright.

Mark: Teenage Dream so hard to beat.

Speaker 13

Every time she walked down the street.

Chris: Another girl in the neighborhood.

Speaker 13

Wish she was mine. She looks so good and older, one older, tight and get teenage kicks right. Through the night, alright.

Speaker 10

Were they?

Speaker 6

Sisters second only comes from one God.

Speaker 3

We are here to tell the people that we hear you.

Chris: And God will not allow us.

Speaker 10

And people of conscience, to lose our mind.

Mark: Paroled by our patrons. Another song that may appear on now, that's what you call. You call that radio went blurry. I've went blurry. I've disappeared a bit now. But yeah, I'm just gonna read out some comments. Anyway, it's good one tonight. Pie says I'll do tartan. 32 Carrie was saying earlier on, mate. Sorry for your loss. Been **** over your beautifully expressed over well done over. Just I think we've lost him though. I think he's gone powerful stuff. All of us is as well. Cheers, mark. Petra, sounding great, says Mark Mark's also saying he's never won. **** all in the raffle, but next year is my time. It very it will be my next year is your year, I think next year is all your years and I appreciate you still supporting the patron even don't win a raffle because sometimes I make a post on Patreon saying. To people, this is what everybody won this month. As if to say like, you know, stay a patron. And because there's lots of prizes to be won, but I think it does the opposite. It makes people want to delete their pace, run cause like I didn't win again. So I'll just keep my mouth shut. Know I've got loads of comments coming in. It's been a great show. Thank you, Rebecca. Thank you, Petra. It was a brilliant cover. Back story to buy tickets to Sydney, Australia. And RRBS banks is ishka, so this is still talking about the the glue song, yeah. OK, so I think we're gonna end tonight with the story of the glue song, followed by the glue song and we would. Back and if you've enjoyed tonight, we'll be back tomorrow night for you. Call that politics, which is just slightly different format than tonight's show. You could see that tomorrow. Why not no party politics. Just gonna be talking about ideas Tuesday. We get Stanley Ward Wednesday the secret Animal Garden party. Thursday, You call that politics again and then we've got the the big immersive TV gig, which is, I'm, I'm excited and terrified for it's Jackal trades comeback gig after three years in the wilderness. Full band new songs that we've. We've not learned yet. The girl cried Wolf looks like fly locate Becky Wallace Stegg freestyle master so that I impress and CCTV. £8 all the money goes to Sunni governing refugee 10 out. If you want to sit in the zoom wall, so I can. Actually see these. I don't know better. Would you do that? Would you would you join the zoom call?

Speaker 11

Oh yeah, absolutely love to.

Mark: Yeah, yeah. Do it. Do it it be. Good to see some friendly faces in the audience because it's to me it's like a kind of the idea of it sounds like a. Like a Adam Curtis Charlie Brooker sketch. You know, it sounds like a nightmare. You know, people want a screen like kind of interacting. But I'm also had to say yes, because I'm hoping that gigs will come back and very soon, and then we'll just laugh at the anecdote. Remember that time I did the? Gig looking at a wall of zoom calls, so hopefully that's the case. And if you want to, it's a tenner for interactive decor £8.00 for the normal ticket. Lewis says it's a raffle so completely random. Unless you're a windy bank man. Windy Bank won all the raffles last time when he was the cameraman, so it caused a lot of conspiracy theories on Reddit and Twitter. Why the folk wanted to contribute but? Never won I. Like folk won. I think folk just delete the patron. Sometimes very really moon, I think. I think Mark wasn't moaning. He was just having a bit of a laugh. He's a great supporter. Thank you to everyone who supports patron, like really honest in this last year. Been absolutely ****** with you guys, so thank you very much for all your help. Thank you to Petra. Thank you to Rebecca. Radical thank you to all our amazing guests. We're gonna play tonight out with the story of glue followed by the song glue by Captain Hot Knives.

Mark: OK.

Chris: OK. Well, the bit that that guy was asking about, he was. Asking if I knew this. Guy called Barbie Ben from the road. Which I'll probably do. But the guy in the song glue that was trying to buy tickets to Sydney, Australia, he was called Tony and he was from Sydney, Australia, right? And we'd all took an acid, and it's the first time we'd ever had it the night before, and then through. No reason anyone could ascertain. We ended up in Glasgow. First thing in the morning, the next day. We were still tripping and we wanted to. Trip a bit more. We went into this massive department store to get some scissors to cut up these tabs in half. Just wondered around this massive shock tripping balls like trying to buy season. 3 geezers there was a Scottish guy, Chris, there was me and there's tiny, this Australian guy and we were tripping that out and we went into one of these all day cinemas in Socket Hall St. or somewhere near there. And old guys used to sit in there with a bottle of booze and that and like you know, the just pictures and it was warm. And we were all we all sat down and I was looking down at my chair and. My body had totally disappeared. I can sort of see through my own body to this chair in this cinema in Glasgow and I'm thinking this is. A bit much. So I said to Tony and Chris I. Feel like I've. And then Tony says to Chris. I thought I heard Chris. But I can't see you. I'm like, no, I totally think something visible as well. So I've got the toilets to look in. The mirror to see if I was. Invisible. I was that ******. But yeah, that's. The the guy is not the guy who was in. The song, but yeah, that's the story of that bit. But I don't want to sing the song glue because. It's a bit. Late and it's the one of. The loudest songs I've got. I want to sing. It's a lot more chilled. If that's OK with. Everybody. So I'm going to sing a song that I made-up about. This was inspired by a story I got told. Or on tour in Ireland about two years ago. I was seeing the fan with the Andy Boys waiting to cross. And they told me tales of smokeless boats and often the smokeless. While the army took a small glass truck and took it Safeway behind the walls and steel. So then that night. About John, that said, I'm off to fetch the truck. And though they thought he could not succeed, they wished him best. So the young. Lad took the small in the truck and pressed it to.

Speaker 2

The gate.

Chris: Instead forwards gradually and the steel plant he crawled beneath the bank still get into the Army base. He caught the truck that he took and stole it. From that place. From the place, from that place, from the place, my friend, from a place, from a place, from a place.

Speaker

OK.

Chris: Bringing come true band from India. So far three well while smoking.

Speaker 4

Smoke. I hope you all.

Chris: Hi everybody. Thanks for having me on the show. Mark, that's been really nice, proper, enjoyed that and I've enjoyed all the other. Guests doing their things. Muscle mark.

Mark: Thank you very much, Captain. Hot knives. Thank you very much, Petra. Thank you to everyone who's tuned in tonight. Thank you. This is the kind of neighbour you need, says Martin. And then also mark it like I just I just replied to you there as well. I love the the raffle controversy, so please continue to moan it's it's it's always. It's always just when you do a raffle, it's all I love the controversy. I love the drama. Cheers folks all over here says cluster. Circus and give them a little like or subscribe on YouTube. That was all over. That was on Larone, captain. My captain says Paul and and. Esca says nice windshields and thank you to everyone who's tuned in tonight. Really appreciate it. We're back tomorrow night at 7:00. O'clock for you. Call that politics slightly different. Set up and, but I hope we can join us for that. We standard and Tuesday the secret Animal Garden Party on Wednesday and on Thursday I think should call it politics again. Sorry, Peter. What you going to say?

Speaker 11

Is that the same apple or am I tripping?

Chris: Is that something never ending Apple or what?

Mark: One apple you need to to fix your liver.

Speaker 4

It's made it last.

Mark: Can you take? Half first take half an apple first and then see how it kicks in.

Speaker 3

You have that.

Mark: See, it kicks in safety with doctor hot knives. Thank you, everyone. And we'll have another captain hot knives open night night in May. We'll figure out the date this week. And we'll keep you posted. Remember, it hit the subscribe button on YouTube. And support the patron if you can, and we'll see you tomorrow night. And thank you very much, captain. Hot knives. A pleasure as always. And we will see you tomorrow at 7:00.

Chris: I'm sick. Radio, radio, radio. Radio. Radio.

Speaker 6

Say your name, your names.

Mark: My name, my name.

Speaker 10

I give you Mr.

Speaker 12

However, after numerous Facebook posts were Schelly jokingly.

4. The Captain Hotknives Open Mic Talent Show 2022 - Nov 20, 2022

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUE07T2Wr9k

Mark: We have a lot of special guests on tonight. But none more special than Captain Hornies. How you doing? Alright, actually, sorry I I've got a vocal effect on. I'll stop that. Is that better? Yeah, that's better, right? Hello and do you call that radio?

Chris: Oh yeah.

Mark: You were the first ever guest, don't you call that radio TV?

Chris: I remember that that was in the first lockdown, wasn't it?

Mark: It's day one. The first day of lockdown. And and then.

Chris: ******* hell. That's that's a mad journey that we've been on then, Matt.

Mark: That seems like a while ago. But since then, the most I've had you on the show in 2021, I think about a. Year later as well. Yeah, was good. But but then between then and the first show, the second show nothing really. Happened, but since then it's been great to see you. Just you obviously played the Glasgow show for gyro Babies and.

Chris: Yeah, that got me back into the that got me back into it that, that, that Glasgow gig got me out of the ****.

Speaker 8

OK.

Chris: Start I was in. And that gig in March? Then I ended up gigging for the rest of the year and now I've got about. I've got about another 10 gigs in December as well. So yeah, I'm busy again and I'm then I'm probably gonna be moving back to Ireland for a bit then.

Mark: Should we let you there now?

Chris: Well, my psychiatrist said Mark. That I've got an illusion. But I'm on a tropical island. Surrounded by mountains of palm trees and. **** like that. And it says that it's because of smoking marijuana that I'm now imagining. I'm on this ******* island. I look at my look at my psychiatrist. Yeah. Yeah. That's the green screen. I'm. I'm actually on Ward 4IN Lynfield mount at.

Mark: It's a green screen.

Chris: The moment in Brussels?

Chris: But like. Sore ******* pain. It's got its own green screen behind my hat, so yeah, it's not actually a real jungle behind me at all, Mark, because obviously people on Universal Credit don't go to Tropical Island. Instead of shushing tons.

Mark: They certainly shouldn't. They shouldn't be.

Chris: They shouldn't. They shouldn't. They shouldn't. Smart like bloody marijuana either.

Speaker 6

They shouldn't be.

Chris: I look like I've been to mass today, but I've been to mass. I went to buy a ******* weed grinder. Mark a ******* decent mark. Weed, right? Went in the shop, looked at this thing, thought it was. A weed grinder. Might have been a bit high before I went in the shop. Fair enough. Come out of the ******* shop. Got down the ******* St. It wasn't a weed grinder. It was a ******* circular plastic case of.

Speaker

A rosary beads.

Chris: You can't ground ******* ganja with rosary. Look at ******* I've been. To mass now looks sad. Like I don't like when my granddad give me your first ******* rosary beads. When I was a kid. Now, **** such little slick. And sorry, carry on, Max. So we've got lots of. Contestants, have we tonight?

Mark: We've got lots of contestants. Yes. So it's like it's got Britain's got Britain's got hot knives. So we've got we've got lots of people coming in today. We've got confirmed. We've got doctor normal.

Speaker

Oh shoot, I meant.

Mark: Dougie for the Mickey Nines, shelto Mel.

Chris: I'll sleep.

Mark: Rory will be.

Speaker 10

Oh yeah, yeah.

Mark: And I believe Jodie Arc is gonna be here as well and and maybe maybe, maybe lose. Well, she said, should give us a poem. So yeah, I was just gonna was gonna get right to. I think our first. Guest is ready.

Chris: Vicky, I'm on the telly in Glasgow at the minute. Are you alright? Do you need to? Get in the store. Over here, can you get in the kitchen the. Keys in the thing now look. I've cooked that dial down. Sorry, my mates just got back. Yeah, sorry.

Mark: Is that is that your is that? Your mate with a laptop.

Chris: No, no, no, don't.

Mark: That's alright, it's fine. It's fine.

Chris: It's it's fun time, I'm afraid.

Mark: Phone time it's also.

Chris: Sorry, I've only got a green screen, I've only got a green screen big enough to go with my phone.

Mark: We've got it's time for our first guest.

Speaker 6

Show two man OHS.

Speaker

Hi all.

Mark: How's it going, man?

Speaker 1

But I am just trying to see.

Speaker 2

Where are you? What the ****?

Mark: Well, I'm in the jungle and I'm in a a real jungle and.

Speaker 1

You wanna get tuned?

Mark: And Chris is in an imaginary jungle.

Speaker 1

I'm in.

Mark: For anyone looking for actually, I'm A Celebrity chat. I don't actually watch the show, so I don't know anything about it. We just kind of jumped. On the bandwagon since everybody's been. Talking about the the the Hancock the prick. Going on into the jungle and getting paid 400 grand to humanize politics. And yeah, so we thought we'd kind of jump on the I'm A Celebrity bandwagon, but this is more kind of like I'm a an equestrian. Kept me out here and we've got lots of special guests here. And so if you want to, if you want to jump on the show and use a song or a poem or anything, just give me a message. And we'll get you on the show, Mel. What you been up to?

Speaker 1

In general or today? Today, Satan's **** man.

Chris: I don't know.

Mark: Well, it's a question that when people ask me what I've been up to, I just going a long run. And I realized that the the look in their face suggested that they didn't actually care what I was up to. They just wanted to say, alright, alright. But I just take it too far and give people the full story of my life.

Speaker 6

All right.

Mark: So what's the full story of your life?

Speaker 6

Want to two?

Mark: What have you been up to? What have? You been up to since you were born?

Speaker 1

Well, first of all, can you?

Mark: Hear me? Yes, I can. Hear you? Hi.

Speaker 1

When I was born. I was born under a wandering star at the bottom of the Camp hills and then discovered hip hop in 97 and that was it and my life has never been the.

Mark: You're a DJ.

Speaker

And so.

Mark: A dancer and a poet and a rapper.

Speaker 1

I don't like you call myself a napper. I want, I wanna. I wanna be a napper.

Mark: And and do you do?

Speaker 1

OK.

Mark: Do you do graph as well? Because that's the only element that's that I've. Not seen you do.

Speaker 1

No, I wish I did, but sadly, I I might get into it, man. If somebody shows me I just never got the opportunity to learn. I love it.

Mark: And is a B. B girl. So this is interesting. You're talking recently about, you know, people don't like the phrase some people don't like some people don't like the phrase female. See, or female guitarist etcetera or female DJ, but B Girl B Boy B Girl is there a? Is there a unisex name for a? A a dancer. Just a break dancer or.

Speaker 1

Just no, not a break dancer, a breaker, or.

Mark: A breaker. Breaker. There's bigger offensive now.

Speaker 1

No, but like I would say like I do pop in and locking as well and like I've don't break as much, but no, it's not offensively me Nah.

Mark: Oh, well, that's good. You got you gotta you gotta do. A bit of popping with your poetry. Popping poetry.

Speaker 1

I I may well, I wrote that I wrote one last night, so it's fresh out the box cause I've not been writing much, man. So as I've been concentrating in the dance, but the winter's coming. So I'm back into.

Mark: The writing, yeah, it's writing season and it's podcast season as well.

Speaker 11

So I.

Speaker 4

So I.

Speaker 1

I know like I totally miss man.

Mark: Everybody was away. Everybody was away in their jollies in the summer. It's time to get back to podcast. It's time to get back to talking **** in a webcam cause anyone wants to leave the house. It's sponsored by winter water.

Speaker

And nor.

Mark: You can get cold water at the taps now. And that's what we're doing, comments. We've got pictures in the house. Hello, Petra. I think Petro might be joining us for a song as well. So it's Petra. Lewis in the house. She says hi, Mel. Sorry for staring at you like a week creep. Last time you were in the bakery, wasn't sure if. It was you or not? CJ hope you're good. I'm very good, mate. Hopefully see you next next Saturday. Gyro babies. I believe you're going to that. Gyro babies, Esperanza and Big Fat panda. Next Saturday, the class. We'll talk about that later on. And listen, you were in great form at the Glasgow gig. You were. In deed you were in deed. I'll be quiet. I've turned myself up now let me know if you can hear me. Alright now I. Think I was on. I was. I was down too low and let me know if you can hear me. I don't know if you can hear a mad effect on my voice or anything. Like that. Like is it like when? I do this. It's like.

Speaker 2

12 shell 2.

Speaker 1

Sounded like one of the modern rappers, man. Anything like wrappers?

Mark: Hello, beauties. Since Allie grant. Hello, Allie and Mark McGinnis. And house as well. Alright, we've got the trips here. We've got the trips here, so for captain, right? So maybe I think we should just take it away. What you got for this?

Speaker 1

I do. I just wasn't camped in hot knives. Are you doing the rabbit hole? For the first time? And you were *******? I loved you, man, and I was gonna write something along the lines. I hate babies and Johnny Depp, but I left it too late. But I love your. Shirt. So here we go. Now let me stand.

Speaker 6

Up. ****.

Speaker 1

Biscuits from the disco infest in my purse. My outfit looks like an installation from Damien Hurst. It does actually cause I've got some food in it anyway. The soundtracks from the. 80S Miami vice themes, a loop. I'm fighting the. My Africa. I can't read my Africa pending swinging. My feet are. Decked and troop, I'm fighting the power. My final weighs a ton. I've got multiple illnesses, everything under the sun. Having a head **** as I'm actually trying right? Learning to be aware of thinking. I'm **** at this site. You go like mine patterns. Wear them like Joseph's coat. I'm a technicolour dream freak up **** creating a boat. 50 years on this planet. Only now I've been given the key. **** you. A bunch of ********. My mind is finally free. I looked to you for answers when they were inside all the time. I was living the never ending story. The nothingness was mine. Unfortunately, I didn't have a flying dragon had some roller skates and a tambourine. My mailing was twisted. I wasn't smoking.

Speaker 8

The green.

Speaker 1

Trip the light fantastic. More nimble than Jack. Jack **** accosted me, so I had to give him a smack. Don't test the hormonal woman. Unless you've got a death wish. I'm one of Suzie's banshees and I'm not taking any or pish. Wisdom comes with age. You can call. Me, Yoda. I'll get vaccinated against your patter. But Echo effect that corona. As usual, this started as a happy rant. Now it's exploded with swearing Tourettes. And I wanna be Kate Bush. I'm afraid that's as good as it gets. All I ever wanted was he being noticed. Noted that no one else matters. If you believe in yourself and self love. Then your monkey mind will be shattered.

Speaker 8

Verbally abuse others.

Speaker 1

Protect your neck at all costs. If you're looking for a Joker smoker. I'm that ***** Boss piece.

Speaker 2

It is you.

Mark: Should do Mel. Can you hear that?

Speaker 6

Yeah, great.

Mark: Did you have that? Yeah, yeah, alright, now I can't hear it. So just good to know it's working. Absolutely fantastic shelter. Mel, what do you make of that, captain? Hot knives.

Chris: That was class mum. I was enjoying that. Our first contestant tonight, then. Very good.

Mark: Is indeed Mel is a. Got what you got coming up, Mel, are you just hibernating? Just hibernating writing. Hi, Bob.

Speaker 1

This one.

Mark: We've got some comments coming in. Let's see. We got Petra. Is loving that. Hello Fantasy Island crew love you, says Betty Beckett. Alright folks this.

Chris: Is that Betty Beckett, Betty Beckett, Beckett.

Mark: Yes, Betty Beckett.

Chris: Yeah, she's great, man. She gave me some mushrooms before my gig. Got solfest. And then at the moment when I come up on him, I seen her in the crowd and I forgot how to sing any of the lyrics and. I just laughed. I carried on with the guitar. If my hands knew what to do, but my God just went **** this and I just laughed for ages instead of singing, and that was nothing to do with Betty Beckett. Sorry, who? Never matter. Did you? Did you say Maureen somebody? Bulkington nobody gave me mushrooms. I don't even like mushrooms. The mushrooms are for gaylords. Drugs are bad kids. The drugs are for losers. Look what happened. Where where is he now? ******* nowhere. Look at the All Blacks. They're still famous. See what I'm saying? Do your hackers.

Mark: Computer hackers. All right, we've got. Yeah, everybody's in the. We've got what we're guessing as well we've got. Rory will be here, Rory.

Speaker 12

How's it going?

Mark: I want your set up here. I want your set.

Chris: Yeah, here.

Mark: #2.

Speaker 12

Hey, I've just been. I've been doing some writing, some bits of recording. My pal's actually coming over today to do some recording at six. That's why I'm on a bit earlier, but I meant, yeah, just basically that and walking and stuff just the same old, you know.

Mark: Amazing man. Amazing.

Speaker 12

Aye, aye, goof it up. 121234.

Speaker 13

Drops my eyes. Our conversation always try. As you can take me round my neck, my last friend to say I'd fight you got. Could never imagine others would have tumbled another St. The dust from the brushes together as one life.

Speaker 11

I'll just drift off to sleep, so dress beneath these sheets quiet while you creep. I wish it was yesterday morning when I was. Feeling you, I'm leaving you. God bless stuff in your ship. You've been carrying on your walking as you pop yourself up on me overnight. That's and then it's me, progress through the rest of the night. I could be. The remember the time when. We just all the memories that if I grab because my head it's like yourself off to sleep. Be quiet while.

Speaker 13

In the background.

Speaker 11

I wish it was yesterday morning when I was. Sober the queen. Feeling I'm leaving. I'll just drift off to sleep, so dress beneath these.

Speaker 13

Quiet about you. Like shadow in the background.

Speaker 11

I wish it was yesterday morning when I was. Feeling you, I'm leaving you.

Speaker 12

Thank you.

Chris: No, they never came.

Mark: It will be.

Speaker 12

Thank you.

Chris: Is 1.

Mark: That was great, man. You've got a Yash from Rebecca Radical.

Speaker 12

Good and you got.

Mark: A woo from Lou Rodgerson.

Speaker 12

Thank you.

Mark: What's next for Romeo?

Speaker 12

B I'm recording a few songs just now. Just putting stuff together. Just basically just that I don't really know what's going to happen. I'm kind of taking my time with it a little bit, so I'm not kind of pushing things too hard. So yeah, just that basically and I'm. Play I think I'm playing with the. Playing harmonica for Doctor Normal on the 1st of December I think and mccool's.

Mark: I mean, it's not is that, is that the Thursday night?

Speaker 12

Ah, your dirty laundry thing.

Mark: I've been here, you know, actually, I think Doctor Normal. Maybe on the show later on, but I'm. Pretty sure I. Introduced to The Dirty laundry last week because I just was in there. I was just that it was a night. Before Boomtown, right? And fuzzy lot we're playing. I didn't even know that I just went for a pint again. It was a fuzzy loop and a few other good bands, and it's every Thursday night.

Speaker 12

Right.

Mark: Dirty laundry. Check it out. It'll be a.

Speaker 12

Good night. Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.

Mark: OK, we've all got. Joe the arc. Is in the house. As well, yeah.

Speaker 8

Hi folks. How are you? She's all good. Hey, good to see you all.

Mark: So what? What you what? You what you been up to, Joe?

Speaker 14

I've been up to quite a lot, so I've got my creativity back after my shitshow over years. So it's all just came kind of flooding back at once, so I've been. Been practicing a bit with the twist sets and we've got about 7, maybe 8 songs towards the new album. Some of those were kind of started before, but.

Speaker 8

Yeah, it just feels.

Speaker 14

Like it's all kind of coming together because I'm. Not on all. The bad drugs so. Because you know, there's. The bad drugs and the good drugs and the bad drugs don't help you. You know, and those are the ones that had to take. So yeah, so I'm. I'm back, yeah.

Mark: We can officially reveal as well you're going to be playing bass guitar with gyro babies on.

Speaker 8

Uh huh.

Mark: Saturday, let's start Esperanzas album once generally kicking things off at 8:00 o'clock sharp and it's not the one who's 8:00 o'clock. So I say it's 8:00. O'clock is actually 8:00 o'clock because someone else is organizing. And so it's it's big. It's gyro babies. In big for a panda, then Esperanza and. Then we're going to get.

Speaker 6

OK.

Mark: I think it's the first ever Joe Jive Glasgow gig. Is that right?

Speaker 14

Yeah, I think so. Again, I've not really been on this planet this year, so I think I think it might be, I mean if I have done one, I can't really remember it. So it's, you know, like, yeah, it's yeah, it's my first Glasgow which.

Mark: I think I think you that technically. You did do capture works, but obviously there was no crowds.

Speaker 14

Right. Yeah, that was just an 11 noon.

Mark: So that. So that's the same gig we're talking about Esperanzas album launch. If you get a ticket for that, it's only a tenner. Then you get free entry at the after party and the classic grand for a classics only night at the classic grand. See what I did? There, and it's DJ's from Joe Jive, the wise goldfish, and Kenny Mulligan. If you can't make the gig with the after party, then buy after a few advance tickets for a fiver. I'll put the links in the. Comments for that.

Speaker 14

So and that, that's going to be really my own like in gigs this year. So I'm really looking forward to actually kind of getting back clean face. Yeah, so it. Will be. It will be good and and and a bit of Joe Jive dance about so.

Speaker

Yeah, but that.

Speaker 14

That's on Saturday and and Esperanza. Their album was they're they're always banging out there. So yeah, it'll be good. I'm really excited. It's nice being away, going on early as well because we can do a gig, enjoy that then. We can just. Jump about and enjoy the rest of the night, so I.

Mark: I'm up at 7:00 o'clock do the soundcheck. Leave her stuff on the stage. Yeah, doing a sound check at four and waiting to try stay sober till 11:00 o'clock.

Speaker 8

Yeah, totally.

Speaker 14

So that would be good. I've been working on some woman overweight stuff as well. So yeah, there's like A twist. It's album coming, I mean overweights album coming, gyros are back jamming as well. So yeah, just yeah, slowly coming back together. That's all good.

Mark: And that's not all. That's not all you're gonna you're you're learning to play a theremin. Your feet.

Speaker 14

Why? That's my idea.

Mark: Anyway, so that kind of that kind of sums up where Jose creative creatively, she's got the space to go. I'm going to play a. Firm in my. And this is look this is. Chris's jungle, right, right. Chris, I don't know if you're imagining that palm tree I. It doesn't like a green screen. I think you. Might be in a jungle. Are you sure you're in Bradford?

Chris: Mark, listen. And I tell you something, right, I've I've had to leave Bradford, Mark.

Mark: All right.

Chris: Joe's laughing, man. It's not funny. It's not bloody funny, right? I've had to leave Bradford. Mark, come on the run, man. You know, I've had to go somewhere really far across the sea. I've had to go to. I've had to go to Manchester map. Look, look. Look at ******* stare there. ******* palm trees. I saw Shaun Ryder bumming a ******* door saw. I saw. I saw Bez and Rowetta having a threesome. With another girl ******* back in the truck. But Ben Mattord ******* *****. They were. I don't wanna live in Manchester, Mark. I like it in Bradford. Have you seen it? It's all mountains and palm trees, this is. Down there, all of them, even the dead one. I don't like. It ma. It's a bit about. The Bradford I've been to mass, I've been a good boy, can I not? Come on, like. All right.

Mark: Ashwin radio let's Ashwin Rao.

Speaker 4

They said don't either. Mate, you call that radio.

Mark: What was that, Sean?

Speaker 4

Sean Ryder, mate. You call that radio.

Speaker 6

Can I can?

Chris: You're right, you. Have to do this. You're alright with it?

Mark: Yeah, Sean, right. It's Chris. Sorry. It just keeps on saying it's Sean Rider, you call that radio? Sean Ryder is alright. If Chris comes back to move back-to-back, looking to leave Manchester. Wait Sir.

Speaker 4

Sorry mate, you call that radio, call the cops.

Chris: Ohh comma girl.

Mark: Ask him one more time.

Chris: It's not.

Mark: Can he come back? Can he go back?

Speaker 4

To Bradford, you call that radio.

Mark: Right. I don't know if he's. I don't. Think I can.

Speaker 14

I think you think colder cars in you here.

Mark: Call the cops. We'll call the cops for help or Mark.

Chris: Just got one thing to say. To Sean Ryder about all the. You ******* twisted my melon mom. Looking melon twisting monkey can I just say before we have another contestant this summer? I need to say right? It's important for the future of Britain, right? Is it? Can I say something, mark right.

Mark: You can say whatever you like.

Chris: ******* Paddington. You little class train cherries, little ****.

Speaker

OK.

Chris: You ******* come into the country on a lifeboat underneath a tarpaulin from Peru. No ******* papers. No ******* passport. **** all everyone else comes in is in a detention centre. Talking to you with the ******* queen. You ******* **** dealing furry little ****. It's not just *******, Mama. It's somebody's under your ******* hat. Is it the clues are in where you live? You're from Peru, where all ******* cocaine is grown by bears? And in league with the Ewoks, then ******* Peruvian bears are in league with the Ewoks. Ewoks are growing weed on the forest moon of Endor, answer and Solo and Chewbacca. They don't go into hyperspace and just have a ******* pipe of DMT and think space. Silly *****. OK, I've had to live in Manchester because of Han Solo. I ******* lost the competition. Guess the weight of a horse and normally. But Han Solo distracted me with a pipe of dainty just before, and I I wrongly guessed that the horse weighed the same amount as a Chihuahua.

Chris: And I had to leave Bradford.

Chris: Mark had to leave. Bradford have ended up in my sister. This looking panties. I don't like it. I don't like it. It's twisting my melon man.

Mark: Pam Chester.

Chris: I'm gonna have to.

Mark: Glad for it.

Chris: I'm just gonna have to skin up. There's no else.

Speaker 6

Can do for captain's life.

Mark: Chase them.

Chris: ******* Joy Division.

Mark: Enjoy the.

Chris: Marky Marky ******* Smith, I knew Marky Smith. I knew him when he was small, 10. See what I did there?

Speaker 6

Go and.

Chris: It's not very professional today, is it? I'm doing my best. To say I'm in Manchester might come doing my.

Mark: Best you're in Manchester. You're doing your best. Gyro babies. Next week, whenever wakes up and coming soon, twist this. I'm coming soon. But you're also playing. You're not playing theremin with your feet. You're a poet now.

Speaker

Yeah, I've.

Mark: But you got it.

Speaker 14

Yes, I've got so this problem I'm going to do is I wrote this when I was trying to do something else. I had like a deadline or a thing that I needed really needed to do. And as always happens in those circumstances was heavily procrastinating so. And I was doing everything and anything but what I was meant to be doing. So I kind of wrote this poem about procrastination.

Speaker 8

But I'd also you.

Speaker 14

Know during my journey of procrastination, I'd started thinking about the kind. Of old little quirk of the Fife dialect, where. The word for do and the word for don't sound almost exactly the same, so this poem is about that, and also about procrastination. I'll give it a go. So, Addy, Ken. If Addie, Ken or Addy. They'll wait till the day came or they'll go forth. They're just taken. I do care that procrastination breeds rumination, and as they ruminate a lot, I just say, Ken, how I do manage to do a little more. Than my thoughts. An anomaly. A boring day, a smile facing the wrong way. I'd take him, but I have a hunch. That actually dachen. Yet doubt and fear they hang about 10s. I know I don't need anything. Though I feel like I really do need something. But do I really need that something? Something in the way she moves. That's an absolute tune, by the way, and Eddie Cano Harrison wasn't afforded more kudos. A day, no distraction and a day came. How to stop this reaction to these floating thoughts that are never meant to. Be called. How do I stop? Circle Back loop the clock, lose the plot. Muse is dropped. And that swells the feel. Daddy can if a daycare or a daycare, what a day. Came out and seemed like saying. Well, maybe that needs to be OK for this day. Pulsing thoughts sent to bed might surrender to a more peaceful way, and no idea Ken how or what, or when a day, Ken. One day I'll lift this dampen. That's me.

Mark: Amazing. So you?

Speaker 14

I don't know if anyone understands that poem. It's like if you're from Fife, you definitely do. Probably people in Edinburgh do. But the further you get from Fife, the more people are a bit bamboozled by it.

Mark: Well, I remember. Actually asking you about it before the poem, it was like, why is a Deacon and a Deacon the same word? So I don't know. And I do know it's the same word in FIFA Daken.

Speaker 14

Yeah, yeah.

Mark: What is the difference? But for the fact it says what? Hadoken it's just a.

Chris: I got second.

Speaker 14

Tiny little, I suppose, is the little inflection of your of your. Voice, isn't it like a dating? As I do, you know Addy, Ken is. So you maybe. Maybe, I don't know, his shorter, I don't know. Yeah, it's wild. I don't know how we all understand each other, to be honest, because usually that would be spoken. At double the speed as well.

Mark: Absolutely buzzing for you, Joe, amazing, says Rebecca.

Speaker 14

I'll know that, yeah.

Mark: Rebecca, get jump on for a tune. If you want. A day, Ken, that was bro, says Lou Robinson.

Speaker 11

What do you know about what do?

Mark: You know about Fife, captain? What knives? Kingdom of Fife. Have you been there before?

Chris: Well, do you mind about 1987? I I moved, I moved to Scotland for. And in Scotland, from about 1987 till about 1992, and pills were really ******* strong and they were dead expensive. And there was a war between ice cream vans, literally an ice cream and war. And I was gutted. I only went for a ******* curly Wurly and Twix and the ******* 99, and I got shot in the face. For the 15th time that day by two Swans, they were working for the SAS. They were undercover Swans, dirty *****. Not only were they were Swans, they were wearing. Leather they were. Bumming a corgi? They were ******* tag teaming a corgi. They were bumming this dog, stupid, and they were in their seats. They were ******* corgi, bumming ******** Swans. And they were all tied together. And I said, what are you? And they went swandive.

Speaker 14

That sounds like a night out in 5. To be fair, like.

Chris: But you know that thing is, you know that thing of saying Ken?

Speaker 11

And there.

Chris: That thing of saying Ken, I move, I moved to Sterling. I come from I come from a city where people go like in Bradford. People talk like this. They go like cast me, bro. They talk like this. They this talk like this. To go, yeah. So I moved to Fife or. No, I was in sterling, and people were coming up. To me, going you, Ken Ken, you can tell it, Ken, you can. Him and I was like what? Slow down, slow down and said if you said if you can speak. I don't know what.

Speaker 10

You learned about I can can can. Can can can can. And then the pie again, you can can fill the pie. Remember the party that went on for 17 days and you never, like, went to bed because everyone was on speed? Well, that was KENS party.

Chris: And I was like, after about four years, I was like, Ah, Ken means no. Like you know, things, it took. It took me 4 years, but I've got. There in the end took a lot. Of things off in the end.

Speaker 1

How do you Ken Kirkintilloch?

Chris: Looking to look at something else. I've been to places like Aloha, Mate, Aloha. We're talking on the bus. You're talking on the you're talking on the bus with a nine bar in each ******* pocket of. Your combat trousers. Go into, go into an ounce to deliver something, and then you just get paid 1/4 of ash and then a week later king bit ******* stupid there or what?

Mark: Allow is a good interesting place.

Chris: Allow is I like cola.

Mark: Wait, wait, we we met.

Chris: It's got a. It's got a good brewery there.

Mark: We met a couple of people fell away in the park. And you know when the park shuts down. Back in those days, it was a different time. It was still an economic boom, which meant people just left cases of beer lying. They just like abandoned all this beer so me and big guy before where we just sat and the left beer, the left beer behind.

Chris: Keep your left beer behind.

Speaker 10

In Scotland, mark.

Chris: Wait a minute.

Mark: I don't have national festival in it, just probably people coming from Bradford or Manchester that have left the.

Chris: Yeah, gaylords probably gaylords gaylords from Bradford.

Mark: So we said.

Chris: Is that what you're saying?

Mark: That's not what I said, but that's not us, but we make people smile.

Speaker 10

I mean.

Mark: They invited us back to a house party. I'll choose one of them. And then at some point day two of the the after party and the police come where I want for an arrest. And then take out. The course we, we. She gets the sales for the night and then we we have to go into court the next day. And I was just sitting in court watching. I was New Girl girlfriend crying that we didn't even know what I didn't even know him and I was like, we need to leave allowa. It's time to go home.

Speaker

Leave out.

Mark: It's time to go. The party's over, but good people, good people, good people and no doubt, Shell told Mel. Have you got another weapon for this?

Chris: Your sock.

Speaker 1

I can do an oldie but.

Mark: What was what was the one you were talking about?

Speaker 1

Nevertheless, really.

Mark: Obviously you get the standard shows the standard. Last night we were at sorry. Friday night, it was Stanley. Odd were brilliant benefits and straight girl were brilliant at stereo. And then of course they were else in the decadent W at the bars. So it was a good, good night and I seen you briefly. What, what? What was the poem you were talking about? Joe to Mel and.

Speaker 14

Or the one that starts with. Like where's my? ****** ******* incense sticks, but I I think you you.

Speaker 12

Said you didn't know.

Speaker

Where it was.

Speaker 14

It's so funny.

Speaker 1

I was looking but.

Speaker 8

I just.

Speaker 14

I I think it just it's all tickled me because I went to kinda all I'm into all that stuff that kind of hippy stuff. And I do think that. People, a lot of people are drawn to. That because they're like quite intense. You know, that's it. That's what happens, is that you're trying to. Be Zen, but slippers ************* incense.

Speaker 6

Thing, there we go.

Speaker 1

Just having my ******* incense sticks right here.

Mark: We're just saying, saying. I'm think I can tell it, but I didn't.

Chris: Ohh you tell you Ken, Ken, Ken, Ken, Ken for kicking to let Ken remember it's dad his dad was called Ronnie Ken. Running it's that it's not just. Called Ronnie. You remember Ronnie with the tattoo on his arm, Ken. He ******* Scottish flag on his arm. You know his dad? Kens, son. The kick and tell it, Ken, you tell me. You you deny Ken Ken. So you kick and tell you you're not sick. You can tell it, pal, if you did anything, Ken.

Mark: Ken Barlow was the joke winner. That was, that's what people say that you can such and such, you know, such and such. But we don't use the word Ken as a bit of punctuation like they do in faith, you know. Like Ken, just let the word Ken gets thrown about a. But speaking Ken Barlow from Coronation Street slot. But Jim McDonald from Coronation Street. You had a message for Jim.

Chris: Jim McDonald.

Mark: Got a message for Jim.

Chris: I right. I wanna put this out in the show, mark. Do you know in the 80s when I was? A child, yeah. Would watching BBC News and I'd be thinking ******* wicked. Gerry Adams is gonna come on. I love Gerry Adams. I love. I love the Adams family altogether. Morticia, all of them. The ******* class. So Gerry Adams had.

Mark: Your voice is went. You're being censored. Or you're back. You're. OK, so you start again for some reason your voice disappeared there.

Chris: Ohh **** somewhere. I can't remember what it's on about. Ohh yeah. Anyway I'm I'm.

Mark: Jim McDonald.

Chris: I'm throwing it out there to my that if anyone comes up with a subject matter for an instant song. Tell me what subject you want it about and I'll do it in the style of Jim MacDonald from Coronation Street. Alright, I can do it.

Speaker 6

OK.

Chris: I've got. I've got the powers, I've got the powers.

Mark: Right. OK.

Speaker 8

Right. That sounds like another.

Speaker

I used to live in.

Mark: So we want you to leave a comment a song about anything, and Captain Horton was gonna perform it in the style of Jim McDonald. And then Speaking of Gerry Adams, he just tweeted this. Gerry Adams was I think he's on the, I don't know. But it's like England, mostly England are playing the IRA tomorrow at 1:00 o'clock it's actually around.

Speaker 6

But the way the way. He couldn't have blamed the IRS. Well, at the World Cup.

Chris: That's gonna be an interesting part.

Speaker 14

Oh my God.

Chris: That's gonna be an interesting match in the World Cup. In it, Mark, it's gonna be like, well, England are up against the IRA. They've not managed to beat them in 800 years, 800 ******* years. They've not got a goal past the IRA. Well, let's see how they get on in the World Cup. ******* up the raw up the ******* RAR. **** the English club.

Mark: Should do. Now you watching for this.

Chris: Yeah, I'm really sorry, positive man.

Speaker 1

Here we go. Sorry, never let a feeling an inch above your knee. I can tell you that I'm. Playing more for free. They can't help. It's just a dog and knee, so use a Johnny bag if you don't want a pregnancy before you know it. You're singing me jiggle beer wall. You've lost your freedom. You're now. I'm all your passkey dawdled. She's being at. ALDI, you're down at Aldi's buying nappies. Robbie Burns wrote songs for the Lassies probably so he could get into their panties. They drop your. Drawers for me till silver tongue fairly. Chances are his Willy will be smelly. Let me check. Above your knee. This is when. You need the music cause I cannot sing. Think sing along me. Think of me. Jiggle, jiggle, never. Little fell off your knee. Never laugh fairly an inch above your knee. You're probably better off drinking a cup of tea. He'll shoot his load and leave. You with a baby. So go live your life and set yourself free. Do you want to be left alone without a pot to **** in? Locked in baby jail, fermenting and washing? You've gone to Specsavers and seen this Joker, an overweight snaggle tooth pit, stinking smoker. You deserve someone who will treat you like a lady. He's doing up his poor impression of slim shady. A moment on the lips forever and the hips, his kisses lady poverty, living in chips thingamajig. A whole sperm from Nibbles leading to an infestation of Moors. So unless you wanna be singing Ally Bally be never let a felly an inch above your knee thing. You, me jiggle. Well, thingy me jiggle. Well, they have a little. On the tip of your. Knee thing. Jiggle, jiggle. Never let a failing. OK.

Speaker 2

If you don't really call that radio TV.

Mark: Sheldon, Mel. There's buttons. I've got buttons.

Speaker 14

Well, that one as well. So funny.

Mark: So smash in the mill. We've got the first. We've got the 1st. Like a virgin by Jim McDonald. Are you sure? Yes for sure.

Chris: All right then.

Chris: This is for Lou Rogerson for this.

Speaker 10

Doctor Burton.

Chris: That's for the very first time, so it does like a verb. With your heartbeat.

Speaker 10

Next to Main Lake, a virgin.

Chris: Touched for the very first game, take a third and. Elizabeth Suarez. Let's see, man. And we will never. So right now we're about right there are virgins. Virgins, Elizabeth.

Mark: Jim McDonnell performing like a virgin. For Lou Rogerson, there. I don't say I don't say so. It's it's a it's it's a glasswing as well, so it is. Do you? Do you see in Bradford so as?

Chris: No, we say. Cuss me, bro.

Mark: Cash me, bro. Yeah. What does that mean?

Chris: It means it means like trust me. Trust like like like, trust me or we say or we say. We say, like the muscles are Johnny. We better match. Do you not say a lot?

Speaker 14

Let me see now.

Chris: Do you know what the do you know what my granddad always used to say, Mark?

Chris: With the same.

Chris: He always used to say he always used to say. Yeah, Zindagi Mera Kam kanahi. And looking back now, I don't know how the **** I understood the current. Right. Because I don't speak Welsh. Well, it was a lovely granddad. It was a lovely granddad. Apart from that one incident with them firearms. But that wasn't his fault.

Mark: Captain Hook's been the rabbit.

Speaker

Ohh wow.

Speaker 3

If you want enough costly toast on that box, you could create a feline turbine. You could create.

Mark: Captain hot knives down the rabbit home. I've went a bit bloody. Applause. Applause. How is the how is festival? Season captain. What knives? Was it good to be back in amongst it? In your natural habitat. Can you hear me OK? I think we've got a technical issue here. Let's go back to Joe the arc. Also, we're waiting on the doctor. Normal Dougie for Mickey. Nines and Kamehameha are still to join us and if anyone else. Wants to come on. And do a song. I notice this sweet rogue is in. The comments. And she seems to be laughing at something that happened there. Sweet dogs got a new album out called Girl on Fire. So this week. And she's got whatever songs getting played on BBC One Extra Tonight. I think so. Shouts to sweet Rogue if I want to promote the album. Feel feel free to. Do it. I've got a link for anyone who wants. To do a. Look, Alison, this is a total masterpiece of a song. I'll be singing it all night again. Love that tune. Says mark. I think Chris is a way to skin up. I'm guessing it sounds like the rustling of rizlas.

Chris: No, no, no It wasn't rizzlers, it was my Bible. I was opening my Bible mark. I was just about to read Leviticus. For a bit of guidance about a worldly matter and there's there and there's.

Mark: An economical matter. And actually really cool.

Chris: An action? An economy. One of them one of them.

Mark: That would be, yeah. One of those.

Chris: The thing is, Mark you right, you know, I'm a recovering cannabis addict and you you said the word ******* listless now, aren't you? Ohh, cheers mark. I'm gonna end up. Do you know what's gonna happen now? Gonna end up. Smoking money. Weed. Spliffs.

Mark: Well, in the in the in the jungle of Manchester in the.

Chris: In in the Manchester Palm tree you ******* drunk. No, Morris is outside getting kicked the foot by money.

Mark: About a game about games. You see more?

Chris: ******* time.

Mark: She walked off stage the other night because he said it was too cold. In a bit, and it was, it was playing. LA Yeah, yeah, in LA, California.

Speaker 1

By the way, do you?

Speaker 4

Thank you.

Speaker 10

Know who my.

Speaker 8

Daughter was away seeing in Manchester last night in Dubs.

Chris: Alright, alright. You talked with that there.

Speaker 2

OK, I thought.

Speaker 11

I was actually she has got no musical tastes. I don't know.

Chris: The thing is. Do you know what I actually, I went to school with Dappy's dad. And do you know what? Dappy is short for. Well, that's why. That's why you shortened it. It's no one could say it's so. No one can say it. So he just called himself DAP it, but he's still ****, though, and he's **** Dappy if you're watching this right, are you? Are you ******* for real, you ******* puff? Are you say, are you saying my cousin can't skin up in the dark? Are you saying that ADHD medication is actually basically speed and and and and and people might have been self caring for years that realise it. Because I'll tell you one thing, Dappy, if you ******* turn up in Bradford with your ******* stupid hair. I will personally do a satirical mine about your Nana's cat and you will never recover in the eyes of the. Public you'll be banished and you'll have to move to Manchester with the palm trees, where I'm having to live now.

Speaker 12

Did she? And daffy.

Chris: That bad?

Speaker 12

Daffy and the captain.

Speaker 6

Oh dear.

Mark: This is him. This. Is Morrissey walking off stage because he's too? He's a bit too cold.

Speaker 10

Over the weekend in Los Angeles, Morrissey was on hand for a show at the Greek theatre on Saturday night, and at a time where the economy is in a crunch and fans are paying higher ticket prices than ever, many fans in the crowd were left very disappointed by a shortened set. This apparently was due to Morrissey complaining that it was, quote, extremely cold. During the show. A short time later, he left the stage and his bandmates. Followed after Morrissey complained to the crowd that he was extremely cold and left. The stage an. Individual came out and made an announcement revealing quote. Sorry, but due to unforeseen circumstances, the show is not going to continue. Very sorry. We'll see you next time. The crowd at that point was audibly disappointed by this decision to abruptly. In the show, according to setlist dot FM, Morrissey only performed 9 songs during that show the previous night in Ontario.

Mark: California 9 songs. Oh.

Speaker 3

I was old, I was old.

Speaker 8

Yeah, talking.

Mark: I mean, he's he's got a bow.

Speaker 12

Tie on and he's probably like $300.00 for a ticket though.

Speaker 13

I know but.

Mark: Like I thought I walked off after that one, so I was ready. I was already. I mean, I'm not a fan. I'm honestly never really been a I mean, I like a couple of The Smiths songs, but I never really got it, so I've got no I've got no issue with slagging Morrissey, but nine songs. And well, I think it's alright. Nah, but why was he not? Was you not? How was he called after 9 songs? Did not heat up. He's got. He's got a jacket on. He's got a blue tie on. I'd be ******* roasting. Yes, I want. Then I just like I come a bit cold. I just you know what? I kind of been.

Speaker 12

I'm not going to bother.

Mark: OK.

Speaker 12

Boo bear, Morrissey.

Mark: Morrissey, Boo. But I think 9 songs is actually right. You're lucky if you get 9 songs. Out of me on my bestie. I think it's enough. I think I think. You know, I think we'll. Especially especially the pop stuff, she she had pop. What she Jackal trains like when I book pop up. It's I think you. Know do 15 minutes and then that's enough. Unless you've got a bandwidth, doesn't matter how good you are. It's just a personal taste, I just think. Have a band or everyone just starts losing their breath? About four or five songs. In and I I don't know. Where things are off, I mean actually nice. Just playing my backing track, and after an hour I was like, I don't know, it was just, it was all, you know, I love nice. It's one of it's probably my favorite of all time, but I seem nice. My full band, brilliant. I could watched him for five years. But I don't know, just I don't know. That's just my opinion. Let's go back to the talent show. Jodie Arc, you have another poem for this.

Speaker 12

Yeah, I can see another one. OK. So this one's kind of stuck in in the same value as the last one with difficult brains? I guess so. It's called binge thinking. I'm awake. The clock ticks on. I'm awake the world. Lines on I'm awake. The traffic on the street outside. My window rumbles loudly on. No matter how I try this night, it's never ending. These thoughts are ever rendering. I recognized this feeling. I've definitely been here before. I have to resign myself to the fact that I'm deep in the throes of some high grade binge thinking. Pillow talk becomes fears and concerns about what is not being said. My boss's glib comment earlier now scratches around inside my head. My mindfulness meditation becomes a trip to India to practice with the greats, but I worry about the train routes. If I have sturdy. Enough shoes and how long the glasses might take. My attempts at deep breathing bringing showers as panic as I forget how my lungs work and quickly Google how to breathe. Binge thinking leaves bags under my eyes like I've been out all night dancing and laughing wild. But actually, I was frantically drinking hot milk, wishing my eyes just to close my nails bit and my mouth frozen as the thoughts just keep on rolling. Binge thinking is a curse. It's the worst. I don't even come up with a decent plan for all my jumbled, mundane epiphanies. Binge thinking doesn't make me profound. It makes me think I can hear the sound of the underground. Not girls allowed. Or even the subway, but actual mud. I write poems. I forget. I eat biscuits. I regret I move slowly with my eyes shut as I go for my 16th pee of the night. Making my way back to bed with eyes still firmly closed, I decided I've had enough. I'm done with binge thinking. I've that binge thinking **** you. Binge thinking. But then I start thinking about how to stop binge thinking and I worry about my thoughts and. If they're odd and. The feedback loop.

Speaker 13

Loops and loops and loops and loops and bloops and bloops and bloops. Oops, thank you.

Mark: 350 podcasts mail IT 500 you update that one Jody arc with the poetry. Where where's the sound? The fix?

Speaker 2

Take a peak.

Mark: To the art. You can see performing live this Saturday on bass guitar with the Gyro Babies first gig back with the gyros for about a year. In fact, you didn't. You didn't look in body, but maybe not in mind.

Speaker 12

Oh, my God. Yeah, I was so.

Mark: You're on the painkillers.

Speaker 12

Sore. That was ridiculous. Because I was really sorry before I went on at that gig, I decided to take like all the painkillers that I was allowed to take for the rest of the evening at about 7:00. Well, whatever time we were on maybe 8:00 o'clock or something like that. So I was like, I kind of got 3 songs in and. Then I just. I just. Kind of left my body and I was speaking to my Mama role the other day about it, and she was. Just saying, I was really funny. Because I just, I just went blind. Just still managed to play about enough but. It was definitely Michael Henry.

Speaker 6

You said.

Mark: You played fame, you played fame, noticed anything wrong?

Speaker 13

Yeah, it was like.

Mark: I didn't hear you playing any bass wrong. But I just noticed a couple of bits. You do backing vocals and I turn around to look. At you and normally. That's when you normally or I remember like thing. But you just sort. Of staring at.

Speaker 12

The crowd so funny and.

Mark: Well, it's unusual cause because joy is a sober performer, like unlike most of my previous band mates. She doesn't actually have a drink before her, normally keeps that for later. But yeah.

Speaker 12

Yeah, I just want. I just want you to mention as well the Tory currents T-shirts. So the twist. I don't know if if he's seen the the twisted T-shirts that are like Tory currents and and the twist that's right. And then I kind of picture of that one. So I'm I'm reprinting these but it is I'm doing them to order. So basically I think the order really needs to be in tonight, but I I could maybe add to it tomorrow, but if you want one of those, it's on the two. It's is it just its.bandcamp.com? Is that how the bank?

Mark: Trust it's it's on the screen. Band camp, dot.

Chris: Com comments under under there.

Speaker 12

Or did it?

Speaker

Yeah, I.

Speaker 6

Like loads, loads of people.

Speaker 12

Yeah, loads of people were asking for them after because it it.

Chris: What is a part?

Speaker 12

It's just done. I'm getting done so like will the people are asking. So I hope everybody manages to get one this time. I'm I'm always late to the game so.

Mark: I'll make your dog like you more.

Speaker 12

Oh yeah, so if you want one, go and go and order it now, because that'll be that's there won't be. You know, I'm. Yeah, that's. I don't want people to mess out. I want one. But I can't because there's no cause. I've not been to loads of gigs. I don't want to print off loads and loads of T-shirts and just have them sitting in a bag so.

Speaker 13

Yeah, that's it.

Speaker 4

That's your last chance.

Mark: In the comments it'll make your. It'll make your dog like you more. As you can see. What happened to bark? At ice box, when he got his.

Speaker 12

It's a good one. Of UM, oh God, what I thought was her name again. Jillian's sister Stacy on.

Speaker 6

There's two of them that I've got her and our our boy. I've got those.

Speaker 12

T-shirts and when they graduated, you know. So that was quite good one.

Mark: All the Tory *****, captain white knives.

Chris: You say again.

Mark: Do you think the Tories are counts? We being harsh?

Chris: Here I think I think the Tories are beyond currents. I mean to be honest, currents are. Quite good things. But Tarisa beyond Count Tarries are making, yeah. Toys are making counts now like. Tories are just in a league of. The run I couldn't is a good thing. There's a lot of good thing about a current, but a Tory. There's nothing good about him. ******* what we call him in Bradford is back. What that means, goat ******.

Mark: What you eating?

Chris: I've been given a block of Moroccan. On the top. The guy says to me don't eat a massive lump. This you didn't count. It's ******* expensive cannabis resin. So I just. I just chowed into it.

Speaker 12

Why not?

Chris: It's ******* chewed arts chewer.

Mark: When in Manchester, when in Manchester?

Chris: Do you know who's giving me it? ******* Baz. He's twisting my ******* melon, man.

Mark: I just got a message from Douggie who's had to pull out. He can't make it tonight. He sent his apologies. But I'll just give. I was gonna play a wee shooting for Mickey Nines because they're playing on the Friday night. So everybody, Glasgow's I think everybody is going digging The Saturdays going mines first on the Friday night, so make sure. Two Friday night, Mickey Nines and this is from down the rabbit hole. It's ranging me. Featuring me.

Speaker

What was that?

Speaker 2

What was that? What was that?

Speaker 7

What was that?

Speaker 2

What was that?

Speaker 14

What was?

Speaker 2

What was that?

Speaker 4

Some nice for the machines.

Speaker 7

I'm an animal or in the wrong inclusion lemon in the wrong and vitamin lemon in. A cage? Don't go for me.

Speaker 4

Right.

Speaker 7

What's right with me?

Speaker 2

What's happening?

Speaker 4

Right.

Speaker 7

Let's ride, my man. I'm an animal. Calling on across the office floor, calling and the corridor keeping in the corner behind the door.

Speaker 4

What bragging. I was no photographers. The jungle.

Speaker

Here we go.

Speaker 7

Animals living at the wrong inclusion, living in the wrong environment, living in a cage. What's that? Right woman.

Speaker

The cubicle.

Speaker 4

What's wrong with that?

Speaker 7

And they got to McGee again, obviously, for doing this whole thing, everybody knows. He's a legend.

Speaker 2

How educate our children instead of have?

Speaker 15

Educating our children to take their place in the economies of the 21st. Century. How do?

Speaker 2

We do.

Speaker 15

That given that. We can't just anticipate what the economy will look like at the end of next week. Every country on earth. On Earth is trying to figure out how do we. A sense of culture. Quantity and so that we can pass on the cultural genes of our communities while being part of the process of globalization. How do? You square that circle. Strange food of our time.

Speaker 2

You call that radio.

Speaker 16

Makes a coherent sense.

Mark: And she called that radio. Just every word from our sponsors. No, we don't have any sponsors. We don't do. That. No, and there's. No sponsors, no funding. Just want to thank the patrons who support the show at peaceron.com/you. Call that radio. I'm actually gonna send you a meeting this week. So thank you for supporting us. Whether you do that in Petron or the YouTube members, you're the reason this show exists. You are appreciated. That was Mickey Nines who are playing room 2 this Friday night. So by all means go to that. I might even go to, but don't overdo it because it's the next day. We've got gyro babies. And the big fat panda at classic grand, followed by an after party featuring Joe Jive, first gig in Glasgow ever is Joe give in the Beehive 5. We've got the legendary wise goldfish and another legend Kenny Mulligan and I have legends in classics. So hope you can make that Saturday night. I'll put a wee link in the comment after the party's free. If you. Gotta take. It to the gig so after. Them now that was Mickey Nines. What do you make of the machines? Captain white names.

Speaker 1

You, you, you, you.

Chris: I I love the I love the Mickey Nines. I've seen them loads of times. I've seen them on the on the melodrome at Eden. When I'd had like a bottle of book fast and it was ******* brilliant. I love the Mickey Naans Mickey. Nines are cool as ****.

Mark: It's a shame that he can't make it tonight, but he will be playing room 2 on Friday night. If you want to check. Out. Brilliant. Looking forward to Room 2 on the 25th. Mary Phillips is one of many people who's going the machines on Friday and the gyro babies on Saturday. So hopefully that's that's the place to be in Glasgow. I don't know if you can get at Manchester Captain Notnice, but there'll be a guest list there for you if you can make it.

Chris: Well, it's only up the M6 from the palm trees.

Mark: Rebecca radical. Every time I hear that tune, I get goose bumps and I'm right back at doing what I show they put on. They were fantastic. At doing always are always one of the best live bands. Fire emojis from Lou Love the Mickey Nines, says Mark. Making some noise for the Mickey 9, says Stacey and love hearts all around. Geez, I don't think I've missed many, says Mark. I don't know. What you mean but? Father hot names there, father. Hot knives.

Chris: Noah, I once I once actually did a wedding. I I will. I was father at A at a wedding at Boomtown. He's travellers and he ******* still married after after my ceremony. That's pretty good. That's pretty good going.

Mark: Hello, what's up?

Chris: And there's a couple of days ago now. One of them has died though. One of them did die, but you know that's weren't my fault. It wasn't my *******. Fault how did? I how was I supposed to know it was ******** cartridges in that shotgun, for ***** sake. **** all round here. Tell you what. I'm gonna go back outside in a minute and we'll see if it's still palm trees or if it's gone back to Bradford. Cause to be honest, my I don't know if you've heard of this, right? Apparently in the autumn there's this native species of mushrooms or. Which, if you eat them. They cause hallucinations, mark. What would our lucky am I? I was walking on the Moors. Because I was just gonna write some poetry, like work or Byron or Shelley or Pamiers. And I was just about to do a right good poem. Tripped over, had a seizure while I was seizing. I think a lot of these little mushrooms. Have got in my mouth. Because every time the ******* massive. Palm tree behind me. Which is not normal. It's not normal for. Manchester is it?

Speaker 6

Like, do you wanna?

Mark: Do you go? And have a look at the pantry and we'll. Just have a look and see if it's if. It's real or.

Chris: Not do you tell? What's going on, mate? Cause I trust you. Yeah, but I'm doing the rabbit hole. Like I turned up and and I was not in a good way. And you were like, Chris, just do your geeky, Daft Punk. And I was like, oh, man, I've got a big beard. Look like I look like Karl Marx. The crack head years. If Karl Marx had been from Bradford, I've been a whole different book that wouldn't it all together. I've been like, ash calls me mate. Couldn't give us £20 code to write writing my book. Not in this book about the evils of capitalism, but I just need £20 just if you can get to Kilmarnock. I just need to get to kirking to look. To see Ken, Ken, Ken, Ken. Joe can come from Kirkintilloch Cross. If I don't get to 5 by Friday. It's gonna be worth even. I can't even begin. It's these ice cream vans full of ecstasy tablets. I don't know what's going on my.

Mark: Do you know who's got a good song about mushrooms? Captain hot knives.

Chris: Oh, no, no, he hasn't. I need to explain something here that that'll do.

Speaker 17

OK, this is.

Speaker 18

The 41.

Mark: You want to explain trying to explain.

Chris: You are.

Mark: Would you like to explain?

Chris: Explain what?

Mark: Well, you said you wanted to.

Chris: All the song about mushrooms I I. Wanted to explain. I didn't say I was able to explain.

Speaker

Well, I got a.

Chris: What am I explaining again? The song. The song of the mushrooms.

Speaker 6

Like you.

Speaker

Know doing the.

Mark: Real radio shows where they introduced their.

Chris: Songs and it's like, OK, you want the story of how I wrote the song. Oh yeah. OK. So I was on a golf course in Sterling in 1989. ****** shaped mushrooms.

Speaker

Go for that.

Chris: I thought I better not eat these thing. Might be hallucinogenic. Next thing I knew. Some current puts on Grandmaster Flash on a ******* boom box. It's it's triggered a ******* seizure. Accidentally eaten about. Probably if I was under these ****** shete mushrooms while I was rolling about uncontrollably against my will. And then the next thing I knew, I was in a ******* car on. The way to Alloa. And when we got to Alloa? Ohh ******* shops were shut and there was only a can of 80 shilling that like with it it were open. On the side of the street and it had. To smell a. Bit like *** ****. But drunk anyway. I'm gonna waste it. So what was I explaining again, Mark? Other song? So what it was. I took these mushrooms backs in and then back accident. I wrote a song about it is it? Can we? Just have the. Song on that. Cheers mate.

Mark: Mushrooms, captain knives.

Speaker 11

In the fields of Scotland. After the rain has been raining. Feet are getting wet.

Speaker 17

There's the saw came.

Speaker 11

I'm not bothered.

Speaker 19

See me out in the fields.

Speaker 15

Looking on the ground.

Speaker 10

With me little.

Speaker 8

Plastic bag. See what I've found?

Speaker 16

Beautifully organic motion.

Speaker 11

What a great free thing to find.

Speaker 19

Well, an unusual thing to do to my mind.

Speaker 11

Take them back to the house. Put them out to dry. Spread the news spread for all. Took me little spirals and ships and already. Shooting phones I've eaten earlier. Even matter to dry myself, another pot of tea, the pot of tea? Or is it sharper than the ******* ones, like the gloves, headphones without familiar bad guts? Introduction on, or what's something that's blocking you? Need the milk and sugar for?

Speaker 17

This tea.

Speaker 11

Two months are going straight. The thing is, we arranged everything is really arranged. Everything sounds like it's got delay on it.

Speaker 19

Now I'm back out in the fields.

Mark: Laughing at the trees.

Speaker 3

Turn the volume down on the grass.

Speaker 8

The grass is too loud. Ohh man.

Speaker 19

What if I didn't?

Speaker 3

What if I what if there's no?

Speaker 8

Gravity gonna hang on to the grass as? Hard as it can and just hang on. It's spinning so fast. I'm gonna fly up before she looks. So if I need a piece. If I've already kissed myself. I love those folks, Colonel. Everything you know.

Speaker 11

There's a farmer.

Speaker 19

Scottish farmer farmers, people of the land. I'll sort soon.

Speaker 11

You'll sort me out. Says hey mate.

Speaker 8

Not being funny. Could you just shift on my parents, please?

Speaker 11

Just need to know whether. Or not. I've ****** myself.

Speaker 20

OK.

Speaker 11

So what was I doing on this land?

Speaker 8

Now that's a big question.

Speaker 19

How come your own land?

Speaker 20

Means silence to fool the world.

Speaker 3

I sent out to make sure I'm there there and he said my grandfather fought for this land. I said, well, bring your ******* grandfather up here. Then I'll fight your grandfather, father in this mine.

Speaker 8

You're gonna go on that principle.

Speaker 3

Of land ownership. Where's your ******* grandad?

Speaker 17

That was gone with this ******* massive.

Speaker 11

It was really through.

Speaker 3

That fighting it.

Speaker 17

Was strong and his health he lived.

Speaker 3

Outside, he had to.

Speaker 11

Spend all of his life he locked rooms.

Speaker 8

He didn't. He couldn't just kicking **** out.

Speaker 19

On me and I was.

Speaker 8

That's his face the 1st.

Speaker 17

Is a picture with a big throbbing vein like a ******* Chelsea cockhead. My God, his face was red. He was punching me, but.

Speaker 1

The more he punched.

Speaker 17

Me the more.

Chris: Well after marriage.

Speaker 11

I thought this will hurt tomorrow but. Right now this is funny as ****.

Speaker 8

This is priceless. Look at this fat. Trying to fight for this one, it's if I could have his one anyway.

Speaker 11

Don't know what to do with.

Speaker 20

The garden centre past him.

Speaker 17

Punch me, punch me, punch.

Speaker 20

Me. OK.

Speaker 19

He had a heart attack and now I only.

Speaker 11

Got the one bit from.

Speaker 20

All across. Lovely to be my children.

Speaker 11

That's beaten by our dogs. Not to you by anybody.

Speaker 20

It's nice children at the. Bar only.

Speaker 11

Just start eat mushroom. The woman's from Tescos. I'm not even just any reputable shop.

Speaker 19

Bradford and this song about.

Speaker 11

It's gonna be a deal. I'll have to get out of the song.

Speaker 2

Very, very.

Chris: Let's see it.

Mark: As you call that radio. And that was mushrooms. That was mushrooms. Captain, what names? When he? Are you playing gigs again? Can you hear me? I think that might be the. End of the show. I think it may be. The end of the show, but. You enjoy your chocolate. It's always a pleasure. Captain Whitney was absolute legend. Thank you for joining us from.

Speaker 4

The pump.

Mark: Trees of Manchester. And you actually eating all that slop? So I. I don't think you can hear me, but the legend.

Speaker 2

You wouldn't be.

Speaker 12

Having fun? No.

Speaker 6

There's going to be fun to be had.

Speaker 4

I'm gonna put. I'm gonna.

Mark: Put Captain what was accidentally deleted these Facebook pages that had about 20-30 thousand followers, and he's starting from scratch, so I'm gonna leave that in the comment for anyone's watching. You should give his page like cause try to get it back up to the. The numbers that was at before, so they let's where is it? This is the profile, this is the link and the comments guys go and give it a like if you're. On that Facebook. We've got Dan Green finger shouts to Dan Green finger, the legend. Lovely mushrooms. Hello Dan. Stacy is loving it. Steven Breckenridge, class song My Son loves it. It's a song for all the family, I think. I think like.

Speaker 2

OK.

Mark: Cow daily shows they milk the cow. Cow daily buckled, laughing at this mushroom Stew and an amazing an amazing YouTube channel. Give it a like click that link and go cow daily and give them a subscribe. They'll do. There's some great stuff. You get good. Mushrooms up in tin top with and cook until it just around the corner from the. Janet Young's in the house. Hello, Janet. Mark, can I just say shrooms and but first makes everything better. Thanks to everybody who's tuned in. I think we're back on and we're back and Wednesday every Wednesday night. We do club anyway, which is DJ sets. Maybe actually should have maybe finished with. That a bike club. Yes, maybe. Well club anyway, basically every Wednesday Night Live stream from the Rave cave. Again from the Rave cave and in the East Coast club anywhere and streams live every Wednesday. 8:00 o'clock on this channel, so if you've not subscribed already, hit the big red button and notification bell. I hate saying that so. Say once this Saturday gyro babies, Esperanza and Big Fat Panda, followed by an after party with Joe Jive, White Goldfish and Kenny Mulligan. Click that link ticket Scotland tickets only Turner for the full thing. There's not many left. They will sell it so you can. Oh, that's the sound of Captain White. Knives, can you hear me?

Speaker 14

I think. Can you hear me? I thought you were gone.

Chris: And now I thought I was gone as well.

Speaker 11

Is that I was. I wasn't.

Chris: Do you know what happened then?

Mark: I don't know.

Chris: I was just chilling right and Rishi Sunak. Came in with his **** in it. And he told me to pick up a ******* memory, stick off the floor. Or when I went to pick this memstick up, it was ******* glued to the floor. It's been about you don't know. You don't. Know what's going. On in this dressing room, Mark can. You start the show.

Mark: Captain whitneys. Thank you. Thank you for spending your Sunday afternoon with us from the wild jungle of Manchester. Always a pleasure, mate. We'll see you. You're doing. You've got. You've got his tour in all December. And should be back in Scotland by March. We're getting you. Back in March.

Chris: I'm gonna do a tour of Scotland in May. The single house in Scotland or as many as as I can. I'm gonna. No, listen. I'm gonna do it logically. I'm going to start in New Cumnock.

Mark: What better place to start than you come? That you've got a lovely outdoor.

Speaker 12

Swimming pool and you come neck. It's really nice.

Speaker 6

We do, but I.

Speaker 12

That's fine.

Chris: I don't wanna upset you though, but I had a ****** nerve.

Speaker 6

Ohh no ruined it ruined lightly.

Chris: It wasn't my fault.

Speaker 6

Sorry lightly sorry.

Mark: What's what's the? What was it? Yorkshire tour like you did the tour of Yorkshire, did you not? Play every house in Yorkshire last.

Chris: We did quite a few towns in Yorkshire. Yeah, the other months did quite a few. I went on tour with these poets and like, one of them was really good and it was really funny. And I liked the other one was such a boring ****. **** me. He was ship. He made. He made Rick the people's poet out of the young ones. Looked like it. Wasn't even a parody. It's just so ****. This guy is, like, so weak. I thought this could. He's too weak to steal the guitar. It's looking easy to steal a guitar that count. You get your mate to get a rat, throw it over the counter. The guys look, the gadget looks at the rat. You get the ******* guitar run out the shop. Simple basic numbers survival guitar obtaining this. And ******* poets. Can't even be ***** to steal guitars, I mean. You know.

Mark: Where's your guitar today? Speaking of that, where? Is your guitar.

Chris: Ohh well there was an issue. Iron up. They were iron up my guitar and I thought, **** this and the the worst thing was. Matt, they were poetry hooligans. You know, people go on about Millwall and all that I'm *******. Glasgow Celtic and all that carry on ******* greengate. You wait till you see poetry hooligans running down the street at. You by room by room, by room, by run, shilly shally. Share Masini no, not him. Poets, I tell you what poets as well. They'll. They'll have your last ******* 20P off your man. Why are they always? Why are they always skinny?

Speaker 20

Group power.

Chris: If I see one more. Poet in my life, I've seen too many already. But anyway, I I don't wanna disappoint it, see.

Speaker 2

Speaking out.

Mark: We could approach thanks to the shelter, Mel and. Joe the Ark for the.

Speaker 11

Ohh yeah sorry yeah.

Speaker 2

Yeah, you know, not not all.

Chris: Poets you know.

Speaker 4

all.

Chris: It's, but you know. I'm just saying you could. You could steal a guitar if you put your mind to it.

Speaker 12

I will do that tomorrow.

Chris: Look, just look. Go to go to the pet shop, buy a wrap. Right that free quick. Take it to the guitar. Shop with your mate. Your mate throws it. Over the counter. The gadget looks for the rat. You get the guitar, everybody's happy like £200 Yamaha or something. Nice go. Goodbye, Sir. You work that out? That's *******. That's loads of *******. That's loads of them. Stuff like, you know, like company equipment and stuff with the money. I really said. I never said Erwin then anyway. So it's nice in Manchester, actually. You get used to it after the first three or four hours.

Mark: What about and how much? Is £3.00 for. A rat. How much for an anti gravity rap?

Chris: Anti gravity rap round here. With the current rate of exchange between Yorkshire and Lancashire being very much in heated discussion, if I took that, if I took a rat to Todmorden. I'd probably get about. That's worth a smack for a rat in Todmorden. If it was alive, and it was. If it was good looking, and it had little suspenders on probably a tenner.

Speaker 2

OK, OK.

Speaker 11

But if I took the if I.

Chris: Took the same rat to Bradford. It'd be like. 10A ******* penny. Penny Penny, like a right in Bradford wouldn't get you nothing. Wouldn't even get a memory stick in that in Bradford for a rat.

Speaker 6

You'd be you'd be.

Chris: Lucky to get rid of a rat.

Mark: Anti gravity cats. We're gonna finish anti-gravity cats. Captain's legend. It's always a. It's always an absolute pleasure having the show.

Speaker 6

All right.

Mark: We'll do the talent show another. Time as well, but what? What can you give us a solution? For anti-gravity cats.

Chris: OK, no, cats were actually hurting me. Except for that one cut at band camp. Well, it said it wanted to be fisted.

Mark: And on that bombshell on that bombshell from Manchester, thank you to Shell to Mel, Jody, Art and Rodeo will be we'll be back on Wednesday night for club Anywhen Live every Wednesday when you call out radio. TV and this is captain, not names with anti gravity cats we're seeing Saturday night for gyro babies. And big fat Banda. Bye.

Speaker 1

If you have a piece of toast.

Speaker 16

When it falls to the ground, it will always land butter side down. You have a domestic.

Speaker 1

And it falls to the streets.

Speaker 8

We're always long, long upon its feet, which.

Speaker 4

Makes me wonder what would happen if.

Speaker 17

I've got potato bits of butter toast.

Speaker 1

To the bark of a cat.

Speaker 16

How did know how to learn? How would it know? How to learn?

Speaker 1

The cat will try to land upon his feet.

Chris: And yet the butter and.

Speaker 11

The toast upon its back. We desperately tried to land upon it.

Speaker 1

Books were beside booking hell.

Speaker 19

Up it was up.

Speaker 16

How would it know? How would it know how to learn?

Speaker 3

The cow would try to land upon its feet.

Speaker 8

So maybe it would spin forever.

Speaker 18

Maybe it would spin forever.

Speaker 8

Maybe it would spin forever approximately 8 inches.

Speaker 1

Above the ground.

Speaker 18

That's where it.

Speaker 1

Would be found.

Speaker 18

With toast on their backs.

Speaker 1

It wouldn't work with fat ********. Did each of us talk? Sniff each others ********, but you could use this cubbies nuts. You could use the cheapest cars you could use the horriblest cats. You could use the. Kind of cats that are the.

Speaker 16

And dead old ladies.

Speaker 1

In blocks of flats. And you could choose the cheapest bread you could use. Happy shopper bread. You could use stale bread. You could use moldy bread.

Speaker 18

Come to the back of the card and throw it out the tower block.

Speaker 19

Do you know why?

Speaker 14

Christmas is the devil. Because my dream is the devil's.

Speaker 18

Cars with toast on their backs and cats with toast on their backs.

Speaker 14

On their backs.

Speaker 4

Yeah. No respect in every.

Speaker 19

Aspect of my life.

Speaker 4

Lady, Lady Radio radio.

Speaker 14

Right. Call daughter. Studio studio.

Speaker 7

The name names.

Speaker 4

Hot bags of darkness.

Speaker 16

Five hours later.

Speaker 4

With the taxi driver. Whenever you chat. The plan how much more pain shall somewhere between South Club and the classic light and the man. Is that the saying the blindness?

Speaker 2

He's got.

Speaker 4

Through a rush like a brow slang too, father man myself so lovely.

Speaker 8

To your head.

Full transcripts of source interviews

0. FLY53 T.V.- Captain Hotknifes Interview Manchester - Apr 1, 2014

So far, so far it's been pitch change, but it's alright so. But it's also like picking up a bit now. I had three months without the golden can check out shopkeepers. Glued man where I live. It's my after. Come on now there's a few that haven't. From you. Not all definitely confirmed, but if they all happen, there's quite a few of them, some that I've said already. There's a few that I've done in in the past. Should be on it be harder. Should run at Blackpool punk festival Shambara I'm doing with my mate Jess Tourette's here. She's got amazing. She's a in a superhero outfit in a wheelchair. She's on the genuine superhero I've ever met is her superpower. Makes her life harder. So that's me and makes her more super for doing it. Still just? Got some gigs with her and we might. I don't know if it's definitely gonna happen, but she's mentioned the the G word but I don't wanna get too cocky if. It doesn't happen. But really it does not. Fresh or stale? It's just like by each gig. I've forgotten what was said in the last gig. And I don't really. This cause can't really, really said they would get. My guitar thing. I know I've seen an old song that I've. Done before it's. Like I've heard it asked. So just make your pitch gig. There's a there's a sort of a plant, have some titles. Whatever falls out of your mouth on the deck to say that someone my sons are bit near the knuckle. It's gone pretty good and I'm pretty thankful most audiences realise it's just having a laugh. And I don't get anything too. Bad, but I've. Had the personnel people take it wrong, I had a bad reaction in the pub. Once cause I've got a song that takes the **** out of racism, but it's not massively political. It's just ridiculous. It's just. Having a laugh, but still I've got some adverse reactions from having that that point of view. And I've had crowds full of people giving it grief because of that, which have. And bad. But then I realised, if you're gonna say anything about that, ******* expect someone's gonna get pisssed off for you. So talk me a lesson. Just like if you don't say it and you don't mean it, don't ******* say it. And if you're not prepared to say it in a place where they don't like it, don't say it. In a place where they. Do it so it's a bit of. A lesson. But so far, 99.9% of people have. I had this woman coming up to me after a gig and saying you are the most horrible and aggressive, nastiest, meanest evilest man I've ever seen in my life. So I said to. Her where do you live, man? I could not have there been. A keg. You must live in a sheltered area environment and she must have walked in halfway through this song. I've got about. Sniffing glue. And it's this bit where to go proper mental. And I think she thought that I meant everything of that. And she said to me, if it's well, so bad, why don't you just kill yourself? So I said to her. Tell you what? There's a tree over there. Got my guitar lead. It's get around my neck and you pull my feet. So I'm not just hanging. And she won't help. So I thought, well, come on. I've got quite a few songs without. Any swear words? Yeah. Yeah, most of them don't have really any. There's the odd one or two that does. Three or four does, but. It's not really about that. Swearing is just a byproduct of. You just if that's how you talk, cause most my songs are just the way I talk but. With the. I wish I'm talking sent in my first CD because the first catching up now has been made. I was gonna send him it and then he pegged it and I wished I'd sent him it so badly. That was in years ago, where I I didn't do none of the singing or none other words, just played the bears. We got played by him and it is in a British band that is like if John Peel plays your your song, it's like feel like ******* Ellen. Part of the wider musical world, I'm not. Just in my bedroom, you know? And I wished I'd sent him an off live CD. I've met him once a long time ago. Very briefly. I I was in the ship band in the 90s, but we got on one. Of the big I think it were red in us somewhere and it was the last time the Stone Roses ever played and we were in the hospitality bit and we and this girl and it's an. Optic a bottle of an optic from behind the bar, through the skin, and I was going across and past the queue to the toilets and John Peel was in a. You had this bottle like that and fresh John Peel, like I might never get a chance to talk to him again. I might have said blah blah blah. You played that song. You played that song and he says Ohh, what band does it? And I told him you ******* remembered out of all the million bands. He must have played, he he remembered us and just got to two minutes and security were coming. I thought ****, I better go. But like so I did for two minutes. It's him, but it's such a shame he's bagged it. Cause for bands especially obscure weird bands he. Was like the saviour of those. Wonder if it's what's like being on Look North.

1. You Call That Radio with Captain Hotknives - Mar 23, 2020

Chris: Oh, cool, that's good to. See you. Do you know what whether or? Not we're doing a ******* podcast cause I haven't. Seen anyone for ******* weeks?

Interviewer: Fluck well see. I mean. Yeah, Mark's coming round. My house. I'll have to.

Chris: I've been here on. My own these two counts that count. And this little ****. For ***** sake, these are right foot. These are scrounging. Budget him anyway, sorry.

Interviewer: No, not me. It's nothing I've been.

Chris: You're gonna want these mushies down really, you know when. You eat dried up mushies the the *******, aren't they?

Interviewer: There's, there's there's worse things out there.

Chris: True, not having them.

Interviewer: So I've been. I see I've been self isolating since before it was cool mate. I'm in day 14 tomorrow. Tomorrow would have been my my, my day to get back out and amongst it, but apparently I've been self isolating so just be in the house.

Chris: Well, everyone except the people who have to work like the nurses and stuff, they can't even.

Interviewer: Is that is that the vice?

Chris: They can't hide. I've got a mate who's a nurse. She lived. She lived a. A family live in Wales and she's in Wales now and she's gotta go back to London tomorrow and she's ******** herself because mostly it's ******* scary. What? What? The room that we've got so.

Chris: Isolating are the looking ones.

Interviewer: Yeah, man, it's. London especially is just a scary place in general with. A three in a a mad.

Chris: That is.

Interviewer: Virus in the in the mix, before we forget, man, because I've not got any questions for you such so. But just one thing I didn't want you to talk about so.

Chris: Oops, sorry.

Interviewer: You don't forget one thing I was wanting to talk about before we don't forget is can you? Just tell everyone a little bit. About your crisis fund for.

Chris: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Chris: That's a good idea. It's for about a week ago. I was set at home. Cause I've been self isolating as well. Because my my. Job is I work as a support worker with this lad. And he has. Quite delicate sort of health cause he's. Got a heart? Heart condition and my lungs are ****** as well. Cause I've got chronic asthma, but when I was. In my 20s I got really. Poorly and then a couple of years. After being poorly for. I mean, I was down to 8 store and it were ******* mental. And a year or two after it, they stopped. They did an X. Ray and the guy says to. Oh, you've got scar tissue in your lungs. Mate and I thought I thought I'd be embarrassed. I thought it's obviously cause I smoke hot knives as. Soon as I wake up every day. I thought I've scared my lungs out with the ******* cannabis raising on the burning foot on the heated knives and the guy goes no. You've had tuberculosis. So I hadn't been answered to me. I had TB, not that I didn't know I was ill, but I'd think people thought it was eradicated. So they didn't. They didn't even diagnose it. So yeah, my lungs are really ******, so if I get corona, I'll be in trouble. And if I give it to Joe, the lad that I work for, then I won't be able to go to work. So what's happening is his family are self isolating with him. I'm self isolating on my own in the hope that I can still go around. And work with him in. A week or three. So it's yeah. I know what you mean. I've been on. My own a while now. I'm talking **** about that. Now the question was about the fund, yeah. Sorry, you'll have to bear with. Me rambling, not seeing anyone for ages. I feel like Robinson Crusoe, but like.

Interviewer: Like the guy? Was it the Tom Hanks talking to the basketball?

Chris: Right, sorry for chatting about that another fund. Right. The idea I had there was.

Chris: It wasn't even going to be a fund. Or nothing like. That I was sat at home and one of the thoughts that went through my head was. Because they're all a lot of my mates play gigs for a living or they work at the. Festivals or they work behind bars? So when it came obvious that we should do something about the virus, cause Ireland did it a lot sooner. And they've had much less deaths. On an Irish government gave everybody ******* assurance that they'd still get some doll. You get 305 euros a week in Ireland if you self isolating. You don't have to have a test. If you stay out of the way, they give. You 305. So Irish people care a bit more about each other, I think as well than England, I can't speak Scotland. Scotland more I don't know. Anyway, I can. Speak for anybody but. One thing another I was thinking. Ireland's locked down? I thought England's gonna be in a week or two. And so that's everybody's work going home. My mates school, sound engineers, ******* drummers, trombone players, you. Know you're not. Gonna get a trombone playing job anytime soon, are you? Freaking shy, all my mates are gonna die. And it's like nahh. I can I can do without not seeing them for a couple of weeks if it means not giving them an. Illness, but for. Him all dying is.

Chris: A bit extreme. So I thought. About individual people I knew, and I thought. Oh man, I know this person's ****** or for whatever. Reason. So I had £300. It it was cool. I had it because I was saving it up, but then I thought what I'm saving. For now, exactly. Because I was gonna save up for a guitar. And then I thought the world doesn't really need me to have another guitar right now because I'm not being funny. I've not been a ****, but I've got about. Five guitars at my house.

So what?

Chris: Am I doing buying a guitar? So I've got £300 there so. I thought. And I asked a couple of people. Who were I knew would be not. Getting any money? I said look, can I just ping you some money and no one wanted to take it off me because they were like, no, you can't give me money. And I said no, listen, would you? Take it. If the government gave you it. As in, you know if they if. They did a sick pair. Would you have? It and said, yeah. Yeah, the government should.

Chris: Give me a sick pair so. I'm like, well, alright then. Remember this? The government don't have money. They don't own money. The Boris Johnson doesn't pay for anything out of his pocket, his taxpayers money and the government should be there to just distribute that to where it needs to be. But they don't. They spend it on weapons or high speed rail links to ******* Boris Johnson's goat dealers house. Well, I mean, they don't ******* spend the money. Where it should. And so I said to them. Mate, look, if you would take. Taxpayers money in your hand. I don't pay any ******* tax.

Chris: On my gigs, see, I've said that on public ship. Anyway, don't like like now the apocalypse is happening and I thought I don't pay no tax. I'd rather give it to my. Friends so they. Didn't die, so I. Started giving people a bit of money. Not like to be a **** and I didn't want it back either, cause I thought I'm actually good. I've got a massive bag of lentils and my friend. Gave me two drops of liquid acid and I put. Them in a bottle. Of water, so if I. Get it gets so ill that. I'm gonna die. I've got enough. Acid to go out tripping? I've got two doses, so if you're coughing your guts up, die in, it'd be, I think, the best crack you could do then is get two drops of acid in you and then put on ACDC. Let there be rock. And cop your way up to that. You know, way back in the beginning. Five man didn't know about the.

Chris: Rock roll show and you'd be like that.

And all that jive.

Chris: Waiting for it to kick in, but syf.

Chris: Thought oh wait.

Chris: I don't need all, so I gave somebody away, but then I thought, oh, ****, I'm running out of. Money to give away. But I thought if I put on, if I put on my Facebook page. If anyone buys me albums, then I could use the money from band camp to give to other people cause a lot of people have stopped having any way of earning. So it's just as simple as that, so I. Started asking if people would. Buy the band camp. This is only in the last week. You know what? Right, right.

Chris: It's ******* gone mad. People have it. What it's done. It's brought out all the kindness in everybody. People have chipped in who were ******* skint themselves, people who've lost their own jobs are putting it in. And I've got. I've managed to help right? I'm not. Gonna ever say? Who got the money? So that's not fair. I'm not doing this for Brownie points. I'm not a ******* gold off count. I hate those ******* black nosing counts. I hate the whole concepts of charity. It's ******* patronising. It's like, aren't you brave? Crippled boy. He is a pound of *******. To deal with that. This is more like in the miners strike when we used to do hardship funds. All the punk bands in the 80s, with every gig we did was full of ******* miner strike. I'm not a miner, but seeing my granddad, not my great granddad was a miner. Blah blah blah. Anyway, whatever. The idea is if you get a big Kitty together, make sure nobody goes under and they don't even have to be my friend. I've been pinging money to. People I've never met. And all I've said to people I've asked them don't be ****** takers. But if you ******* need someone, I'll just ping you. It cause why not? And then people have kept. Donating enough to. Me that I've been able to keep doing it. And you know what I've. Given away free about 3 and a. Half grand in about a week. And I've all got I've still.

Chris: Got about a grand and half in the kit here and there's loads to come in loads to clear from band camp sales. And I don't want the money for myself, cause I'm actually totally fine. I've got enough of everything that I need. I've got lentils, I've got acid, I've got adds to talk to when. I start tripping. I've got a few mushies left. I'm eating some now actually. The edge off and then I've got like. I've I've got. I've got two more beers left. After that I've got some ******* bottles of wine and then after that. One thing about this whole apocalyptic **** is that I've never thought of before. Is everyone's gonna. Run out of beer. Everyone's gonna run out of cocaine and heroin, which I don't do those things, but the withdrawals are gonna be savage for loads of people really soon. And I'm actually quite worried about people who are drug dependent or alcohol dependent because they must be double. Worry at the minute. Do you know what I mean anyway? But fund is the idea is it is. If you can chip in, fine. If you can't, don't feel bad because nobody's got any money. The other thing about the fund. Sorry I'm such a talkative ****, mark. Sorry I. Keep talking then.

The only thing I.

Chris: Thought about the front cause I had. A moment of discussed the first few. Days after it became apparent that loads of people were dying in Italy. All I saw in the all I've seen on Facebook feeds. I suppose the bubble that I'm in because I play the festivals and I play a lot of gigs, but all I saw was like festival people going Oh no, we're gonna have to cancel Glastonbury. And I'm thinking mate, in Italy people are going out. I'm going to have to bury my Nanna. I'm gonna have to bury my mum. My sisters died and nobody gave that any respect to our time of day at all. Or everyone's become very insular and.

Interviewer: I thought, oh ****.

Chris: And and I saw. A band saying please give me some money. Please give me some money. I've got no income. And I thought, well, neither have I. All my gigs are gone, but I'm a lucky 1 cause I've got a part time job as well as. A support worker that might. Keep going, but I still thought. Rather than ask for money from me cause there's only one of me, I don't need that much looking money and the pubs are shut. So what you gonna spend your ******* money on anyway? There's no. There's not to. Spend the money on. Is there anyone who's having money at the minute? You might as. Well, ******* want your ***** on there because. You running out of toilet paper before? You're gonna need the.

Interviewer: Oh, the toilet roll's gone.

Chris: You know. Like the red Hot Chili Peppers, I'm like. Like, give it away, give. The weight give the way.

Chris: Now just the.

Interviewer: And how and how's is it just to confirm the is it Captain hotknives.bandcamp.com?

Chris: No, what I'm asking now is cause so. Many people have gone on the ban camp. And suddenly people have gone on PayPal. That they they're starting to glitch, there's a cause. I was trying to send some money to this lab today. And he got back to. Me and he said Ohh. On PayPal it says it's there's a 60 day backup of transactions to take place, so he couldn't get the money today. So what I'm going to do from now on, I'm not going to. Put my bank details. Publicly online cause that could be foolish. I'm going to get loads of scammers and that I'm gonna get people saying that from that there are prints and they wanna put £1,000,000 in the stuff. But I'm just gonna say private message. Captain. Not knives page. Just message. Me and I'll. Send you bank details to put it in if. You putting in and if. You need it. Just message me and I'll and you send me your bank details and I'll give. It to you. So all I'm doing is passing it on from one set of kind strangers to a set of hungry strangers. If the hungry strangers stay alive, think of the party we're all going to have at the end. Everyone's gonna feel that a stranger looked after them. The strangers look after me all the time, cause I've lived a feral life. I've been feral. As folk, I get, I get antsy. Talk about lockdown. I get antsy from in the. Same town for. More than three days, I think shift. Shift's gonna come on top, but it. Goes somewhere else. But like, but most people who are. More settled, this is a bad time. For everyone, and I thought, rather than sit at home praying about it, why not try and make it a bit better for every? Why not? Why not? Yeah, well, you're.

Interviewer: And you're the decision maker. Do you know? I used to get that in. In job centres that when you got for a crisis loan or something like it would be in the hands of the decision maker.

Chris: **** that. And the degrading Ness of it or me. I spent years and years on benefits cause I've got a couple of disability issues and for King. Yeah, that ******* patronising. Like, why do you need the money? Are you capable? Can you wipe your own ****? I haven't asked anybody any ******* question. Except what's your bank details. Are you with me? And that's all I'm bothered about and. And do you know what? No one's actually wanted to take it? I've not had anyone who's been on this grounding vibe. It's been more a process normally of me sussing out that somebody's struggling and then discretely saying look. I could help you. Then they don't want it, and then they say look, why not take it? I've got it from strangers anyway, and once they realise. I'm not skinning myself and I'm gonna be fine. I once to realize that the strangers are happy to. You paid, and once they realize well. Why the **** not? Then why? Not because I know a lot of people. Who busk? So how are? You gonna go busking in the lockdown? How are you gonna sing on the street? How are you gonna feed your dog? If you've not. Got the cash coming in from busking. So quite a lot of the fund has gone to buskers and had a mate who's a busker who got coronavirus really early on. And in London. And he was still on the tube trying to see. That's a very good.

Interviewer: Well, that that's a problem. And I think you'd actually probably the one of the most sensible posts I've seen was was you were saying that you're someone with underlying health conditions, you want everyone to stay in the house and. That's why you're you're.

Chris: I just want everyone. Everyone to be OK.

Interviewer: But they but at the same time, you're you're not judging people that are having to go to work because. Everyone, that's my balls.

Chris: No, no one's choosing it. No one in their right mind would be choosing it. In fact, I think there's a lot of judgmental Ness coming out at the minute. On Facebook between people of a person, things. And even I've been guilty of rising to things that have annoyed me, cause it's a new world for everyone in our whole generation. We've been so lucky. There's never been something that threatens all of us at the same time. So none of us have got an instruction book how to deal with that. And I've had moments of abject ******* terror cause I've demonic depressive so. I was in a bad really bad bout of depression when. All the news cats started. So there I.

Chris: Am in my depressed state going. Everything's ****. We're all gonna die. And then thought. Ohh, come on, Chris. That's just depression. Then I put news on. Then it goes everything ship. You're all gonna die. Was like. Ohh and I immediately.

Chris: Thought of your song? You know that song. That goes what? Possibly go wrong and I was like. ******* hell. It's the Armageddon. And then. After a day or two thinking ******* hell, I'm getting, I thought. On I've been listening to the subhumans since. I was about 13. I know what to do. Paulk has given me an instruction book and a warning about. Like this and my punk attitude says do like in the miner strike, look around at all everyone and make sure that everyone gets a share and that they're alright. My friend, her dad was one of the top boys in. One of the. Mining areas and during the strike they used to go and rustle cows. They used to go in a ******* Transit van. And knit cows to chop up and eat and feed all the kids. That's the cause, Mrs. The ******* clinic was trying to ******* starve their kids. I think what this virus and crisis should make us all do is use this as a springboard to completely reject inequality and completely reject these Tory policies that are dividing everyone. Cause all this? Nastiness that people are shouting at each other should be shouted at the 1%. At the top. For the cause, I don't care if Mr. for King Smith's got 10 more girls than me. It's irrelevant, the queen. The ******* queen. Has got enough money 1/10. Of her wealth, could we could we could all have six months off. Work could work.

Interviewer: That's gonna be coated toilet, or she's gonna have some very, very quilted toilet roll.

Chris: She uses swan necks.

Interviewer: Yeah, that's it.

Chris: The heads of Swans and and and somebody else wipes the bum for her.

Interviewer: I mean, they didn't make the, you know, she's not. So if you don't know the swing, the the Queen. Especially for anyone from, not from out with the UK. So the Queen is the only person in the world in the UK who's allowed to kill a swan and eat a swan. They try to tell. Me that rule wouldn't exist if it wasn't for the fact that she likes going around whacking. And killing and eating Swans.

Chris: Yeah, exactly.

Interviewer: Why else would that really exist?

Chris: The royal family, **** me. We should have got ******* me to them counts a long time ago. Alright, you. Know this is. A bit of a daft train of thought, but bear. With me cause. I'm tripping, but the *******. I was thinking this earlier today like so. Imagine, let's say instead say the queen instead of ruling a whole country. So say you were living on just one St. So there's about 10 families and nine of them have found US folk. And they're all happy.

Chris: Where and they share their share and they're not counts to each other. Then one family says.

Interviewer: I want half of everybody's wages and we're gonna keep. It and then.

Chris: They build a stupid extension on the ******* house and start loading it about going on quad bikes and **** then people. The other nine. Houses will be a bit is a bit ****, but then if you got to the stage where the end family at the end of the ******* terrace, we're actually saying you have to give us all your. Money and you have to worship us and we want half with jewels on and and and. And we're gonna make sure that your kids and stuff have a ship. Quality of. Life just to. Keep our kids in in resources and we're gonna all be ******* ****** and we're. Gonna get away. With it, then, that family would get their house burned down, wouldn't they? Pretty ******* quick.

Interviewer: Pretty quickly.

Chris: Probably tried pulling that **** off on a normal street. If they did it on Ravenscliffe estate in Bradford, they'd get, they'd get kicked foot. But the Royals are getting. Away with it the the quickest.

Interviewer: It's because they think it's because they put their faces on the moon. So people see them. Every time they've got £20. In their handler or. Yes, I've got. I found a £20 note in my pocket and they're being slowly hypnotised for the. Yeah, a lot of people.

Chris: Reminded me of that film, I bet. You'll know this film called is it they live or something. And there's a guy and he puts on his school glasses and he sees the money and it and it changes. I can't remember the name of the film. Anyway, sorry, but I tell you. What's interesting at the moment is a lot of the things that happening look like there. Going to be bad. But as a collective of nice people coming together, cause I've heard people coming out of the woodwork to be kind, right? If it's OK to say this because I don't wanna, I don't wanna break anyone's confidentiality. Who the donors are. But our people have donated into this. Fund, which you. Would think is just. They're thinking it's going to. Maybe a few buskers in the UK, but I've had donations from German people from ******* Spanish people who are under lockdown themselves. They're still under lockdown there. About donations from them, their situation is worse than ours. And they're putting. Money in so that some busker can have a. ******* dog food. It's showing me that there's far more nice people than counts who will do more for each other, so I'm intending to keep it going after this crisis. Of course, what is the use to me of selling my albums if all I do with it and I'll be really honest here when I get any money from a gig I used to get money from a. Gig I just used to buy everyone a drink at the bar. With it, I'll get a. Massive carry out for the house part. And if I have if some. Gigs if I get. More than the other band I check in with you. The band and give them a. Bit of what I got cause I don't. I have this really childish thing of things. I hate things being unfair. I'm a bit artistical and I can't do with like inequalities. I'm a bit OCD, I think. I think I've got a tenner and he's got now. Give him five. I'm like that, mate.

Interviewer: Do you think everyone's gonna get a little bit more OCD and germophobic and stuff going forward just because? I think in a.

Chris: Way, but I think. In a way. A little bit of that. That, and not in not based not in. A fierce sense. A little bit. Of hygiene would go a long way. I don't going over the top but simply like cause I have to watch out for getting illnesses every winter. It's nothing new to me. I've been on trains doing this. I've put this. On to show people. I do this on a train every winter and people think I'm a Mexican bandit and I'm gonna hijack the. Then and obviously they're giving me dirty looks and cause some fairly large and cause I've got ******* Tourettes and I moved weird because everyone expected involuntary movements and ******* some of them look like I'm head, but.

Chris: Involuntary mid year.

Chris: So looking involuntary. ******* mask on me, involuntary moving head and. They think who's? That couldn't, but it's just literally cost. I get flu. It can kill me. Three years ago, I was at my mates and she's. She was shouting at me cause my lips were going. Blue, she said. I'm taking you to hospital and I'm going. I'm not going to hospital. You couldn't cause you get really. You get really irritable. If you're having an asthma attack really bad, I was irritable with my friend Maxine and and I was like a really sorry afterwards when I realized what's going on. But I was so out. Of breath really horrible and Maxine's. Going you *******. Weeks ago and boom, you need to go. To the hospital. So I get that off normal flu. So now that there's a viral. Form of pneumonia that could kill normal people. It's gone a disaster. Movie for me, I'm having to hide it out. It's like a. Zombie movie, but I thought rather than get depressed. Do something to. Help everyone, because if even one of my mates went under. The for the lack of some money on the lucky stick or or of some dog food or a bit. Of ******* potatoes. What kind of account would that make me feel? I don't want to work with hundreds of funerals. A lot of my mates have already ******* died. I'm 50. Half of my mates have died cause we've all had stupid mad lifestyles. But like I got when I go to anymore funerals for a few years. So I just I'd rather ping a bit of money about and then. It just seems a better way to do. It what? Why?

Interviewer: Just just to just just to go back down to that bit, so you could if anyone buys your your songs on band camp, you put it back in the fund, but because there's a problem with it, you don't wanna give your bank details online. So do people just message you on your Facebook page?

Chris: You know, if you go on to captain of Nice Facebook page, there's the option to send a message to me. Just send me the message and if. You're a Dorner. I'll tell you the bank accounts put it in. And if you want to receive some money for whatever reason and I. Tell you what's been another pattern. I've not had one single. Person really get in touch in any sense. Scrounging, begging. People get in touch on behalf of their mates. Like I'm not mentioning any ******* names. But like earlier today. Got a message from somebody saying, oh, no, this lass, all the bar works cancelled cause the pubs are all unlocked down. So people like that it's hand to mouth workers who work cash and especially who fall between the gaps. I want to help them, but this guy says, oh, this girl's run out of money and I'm really worried about her. What about the fund? And I said that is exactly what the fund is for. So I sent the money straight to this loss. I've never met her. I don't want ******* brownie. Points for it. I don't give a ****, even if I do ever meet her, or as long as she *******. Lives until next week. Why not? What's the point of letting any count die?

Chris: When I could give him.

Chris: £100 it's ******* ridiculous. And people are giving me the money to. Do it so it isn't even coming out of my pocket. It's just like what this is like is cosmically is like passing a joint, but without the germs cause it's virtual. I'm doing it all on Internet banking. I haven't been on.

Interviewer: It's gotta be. It must be pretty tough to get twos of a cigarette these days. I don't know if you call it twos. Down where? Where is it?

Chris: Yeah, we've got the tools up at school.

Interviewer: Just stay.

Chris: It was like tools up tools up and then. It be threes up fours up. But do you know what Mark as well?

Interviewer: All these did you get LED's?

Chris: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lost dogs. But see the following. I actually think for me for a few years I've been. It dawned on me because I smoke a lot of. Cannabis. I always have done. I've done it since it. Was a kid, but it got me off. A lot of. Other worship to be fair, and it helps a lot with my ticks. It's if I smoking enough, I don't think as much. So, do you know what I mean? But I've now I've realised the trick. Is to eat it and that works better for longer off of. A lesser amount, but anyway. But like what I found is. I got sick. Of passing the. Pipe not because it was tight about the draw. I'd give anyone a lump or draw and say skiing up yourself, man. But because people had put a guy at a festival, was smart, and a pipe all day, and then he's he's girlfriend came up to me and for some weird reason, says oh, we've got hippies. And I thought, well, that's a weird thing to say and I thought she was just some weird joke. You know what I mean? I said, why are you saying that love and I went back and found the guy around the fireplace and he had all his cold sores but had an artist. See how big beard is like a. Biker sort of looking. And actually thought well that means I could get cold sores, and I know they're not the end of the world and not life threatening. But still it showed but still it showed.

Interviewer: So I think.

Chris: Me a lack of respect on the part of the guy sharing the pipe. Cause if somebody said to me, Chris can. I have a bit of your. I'd be like, yeah, buy him a chunk off. There you go in there. But if they want to share a spit. To me, it never dawned on me until that horrible incident that somebody might share spit with you and. Give you an illness. So I think in the future people will end up rolling their own little joint.

Interviewer: But all still.

Chris: Sitting in the same room and having the crack. If that fence, rather than slobbering, I know when I used to live in Scotland, in the I lived in Scotland in the late 80s, early 90s and people used to pass the giant and if it was soggy. They'd go, you've. Given it a poo's ****.

Interviewer: Do you still say that? I don't. Know that's all.

Interviewer: Everyone still says it. Everyone still says it does. Is off.

Chris: And I thought. Oh, really? If this crisis stops everybody sharing, like in Ireland that you wouldn't think about it. But now with this crisis. Everyone will pass the bottle of book Pass weren't.

Interviewer: Well, well, I don't know. I don't think it would stop the the communal. Bucky, I think that's maybe. The good.

Chris: Thing is, bookie probably kills any viruses that you might have. To be fair, I reckon if you can stomach a bottle of. Bookie and live then.

Interviewer: The books are starting. Line kills at least 60%. I once had a bottle.

Chris: Of Buckfast during a gig at Eden Festival. And after the gig I had a seizure in in the. Little side bit. And then I because. I'd had the seizure had no. Memory of the gig and I had to find a. Promote a journey. And say Jenny did a play. I thought I'd. Lose the gig out and I hadn't played and. She, I said. Did I play? Did I play and she goes, Chris, not only did you play, but we all got behind you on. Stage and got. Our **** out. And you, you don't even remember. I know it's like, ****.

Interviewer: That you, you you have fun gigs all the time, though. Every every gig I've ever been of yours, that everybody's just laughing from start to finish and actual score. Sore joys, sore chest. I really wish they.

Chris: Wouldn't laugh at. My gigs cause I I'm being deep and meaningful looks say and and the commoners and the scandals and vagabonds lap at it.

Chris: And I I hate it. I I wish they would leave if they're going to laugh, no. It's ******* nice. I'm a really. Really lucky *******. Because I didn't start doing this till. My mid 30s. And it's. Giving me hope.

Interviewer: Were you were. You in bands before you went solo, I think you. You mentioned that.

Chris: Well, now I've been gone from being about 15, so I started being in buns in 1985. And none of them. Got big, but like they were all good. Fun like. But we're all anyone who's in a band will.

Interviewer: You get any stuff, you get any stuff online that if.

Chris: Tell you that.

Interviewer: Your old stuff.

Chris: Not massively cause a lot of it. Was pre Internet era. If that makes sense. So there's not massively. I was in a band in Scotland in about 1989 till about 1992. And we had a couple of genres which the singer was amazing. She's from Renfrew. You know Renfrew, I guess.

Interviewer: Oh, we know. Ran through.

Chris: So the singer and the guitar player. Were from Renfrew and they. Were ******* genius musician. She was such a good singer and we did this style called techno skiffle. What it basically was, it was the very early days of techno, wasn't it? Like about 89. And it was the early days of pills cause it was the first time I'd really seen pills and they were dead expensive. They were like £15 if you were selling them to punters, but we used to take them to our gigs and and sell them, but we we saw we, we, we did so many drugs ourselves. That we ended up. Selling all our equipment as well. Because, you know, these are the worst drug to be the. Dealer of cause you get a. Massive bag laid on, don't you think? I've got million pounds here, you. Got or wherever you have one yourself. And then then.

Chris: 20 minutes later you're going up to people. And putting them in the mouths going. Oh, don't worry, ma'am.

Chris: Pay me on.

Chris: And then you've got. Then you've got a massive. Your dealer, so you end up taking your ******* guitar cash converters. So we ended up with our instruments except for a drum machine. At chess base, which was what I played and an acoustic guitar, we all wore cowboy hats and we did techno skiffle. So we just put a techno beat on and we the really fast country song over top of it. Sorry, it was. Good for remembering.

Chris: That actually I forgot about that.

Chris: We gave away more pills than soft Mick, though. We were always in debt for doing it as well. Stuff counts as we were. Anyway, sorry. Yeah, yeah. This is good. I'm so. Good to actually see your first one.

Interviewer: Well, it's great to see you as well, man, it's.

Chris: I thought I was used to isolation, but it's been really quite unpleasant, but I've kept busy to not go under.

Interviewer: Well, that that's what I was just thinking the same as like. What can what? Can I actually do? What can I do to? Stop the boredom. And I thought I've been willing to do this podcast as a video thing since, but I wasn't ready. I didn't think I was going to do it till June. I was gonna plan on doing it properly, but luckily more famous. He saved the day and sorted out my microphone. That's just me. Have written. And then I splashed out on this software. So right now, Chris, we're we're streaming from the.

Chris: I might have felt person on that.

Interviewer: You're the first person, man, that's. The first ever.

Chris: Right on her.

Because you know.

Chris: A lot of mad ****. I remember first meeting you. It was I've. Got the flyer. In me, in me jacket look right the first time I ever met Mark everybody. I got asked by a really wicked guy, right?

Interviewer: I can't sneak my sorry. Oh yeah, yeah.

Chris: I've got asked by this club. James James.

Interviewer: Jim Sweeney, jamesy boy.

Chris: James Sweeney. I love James in man. He's a ******* diamond. So it may. It may had passed away. This is another example of pre crisis kindness cause in Glasgow kindness seems to be standard anyway, whatever's going on. But this guy, right, this this poor fellow his mate had passed away to having a way. And they got in touch with me. And said we'll pay. You to come and pray and they did and they didn't make no money for themselves. They just did it for the crack. And that's gonna make. You because I saw your set and I've I've probably done your head in every time I've seen you since. Cause I always caught this when I'm picked. But the first time I saw you and you said. A muscle braccio Ant. The muscle relaxant. Fast ******* genius your head. Ever since. So to see you today is making me really happy doing this, even if no current. Has watched it. I'm enjoying this.

Interviewer: No, I think we've, I think we've got people, man. We've got people on YouTube, Facebook, Twitch, we've got some comments coming in as well, man if.

Chris: I don't mind if we have or not.

Interviewer: You want, yeah.

Chris: Yeah. ****.

Interviewer: So we've got. So Tom Johnston says he wants to hear some techno skiffle now. OK. Techno, techno siful. Techno. Techno, techno. Techno.

Chris: Funked up. Sorry, there's a bit of technology. Phil marks gone. ****, there's zombies. Eat and mark. I'm worried about. Everyone all the time at the minute cause of the apocalypse. That was techno skiffle Tom. If you heard it.

Chris: Where's Mark gone?

Chris: It's a bit spooky. **** it. I'm just gonna cuddle my badger till Mark comes back. Maybe you needed the?

Chris: Best explained this programming I'll get the. Value out if you want mate.

Interviewer: I'm black.

Chris: Ohh, ***** thought the monsters are eating you then.

Chris: Good morning.

Chris: Me like that. **** me and. **** me podcast.

Interviewer: No, it's good. I thought the cops get down here.

Interviewer: Don't don't stop the techno skiffle. Don't talk.

Chris: This went wrong anyway. Crossed my fingers were more *******. My fingers were tripping more than my brain, I think.

Interviewer: I was. I was hoping that you would play a couple. Of tunes, but I didn't.

Chris: No, no, I'm up for that, if you.

Interviewer: Do you wanna do you know do?

Chris: Like my love.

Interviewer: You know what I would if if we're doing requests I. Would like to hear posh ******* and KET.

Chris: Yeah, yeah, I'll do that for. You. Yeah, I'll. Just get the guitar.

Interviewer: Cool, no worries. Say to everything tuned then if you're enjoying the show, you can support the podcast at patreon.com/you. Call that radio. Captain Whitney's live in session.

Chris: For the sake of professionalism, I'm. Going to try and tune it up.

Interviewer: That's what it will read out some comments while we're doing so, Kelly Kelly says.

Chris: Well, I get sorted.

Interviewer: There's no limit. Take no scuffle, Captain. What knives? Absolute legend. Someone said Mark's ****** off his podcast is running itself. It was just. A brilliant I ******* love this man from Tom Johnston. Right. I mean too.

Interviewer: OK, you ready? Which one did you want, Mark? Posh winters and kit. Alright. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Interviewer: You played that at Kilburn Garden Party. You headline. Sir, I remember that time of bootown. When I. Woke up in my tent cause. The tent was being flattened down. By the Prince of standing. I opened the zipper myself. That I'm a sleeping bag and. I said hey, hey. What are you doing standing on my head?

Chris: What is net said, hey man. Don't be * ****. Don't be * **** to Zander. Zander's in. A K hole man.

Chris: And I thought, well, he's only stood. On my ******* head. ******* kale. And it made. Say posh malters on that. 422 stone cat.

OK. Poor Georgia. She's lost her iPad. Parents will do the crowdfunder. Her job because she's lost her iPad and the promoter. He doesn't have a. Budget to pay the.

Chris: Axe. I'm sorry, mark. I know you came. All the way. From Glasgow I have your book it. To pay you. But don't look on my Facebook in September or you'll see that I spend my winters in India while Labour in Glasgow. Relaxing with your muscle relaxer? Winter jacket.

Chris: I remember when I developed an easier or not only I can't remember when I developed some easier for thinking might have been to do with not taking myself, but the people who do I see them and they look like they're praying in the. Mosque with their face down. With their ***** in the air.

I think are.

Chris: You alright mate? And I come back an hour later. And it's still there and I think. You're purposefully making yourself into a very vulnerable.

Chris: Person right now. But I'm kind and I never kicked them out. Kind too kind, will you? Join me in the bridge. Everything's gonna be alright. Everything's gonna be alright. Everything's gonna be alright now. Everything's Gonna be alright. Everything's gonna. Be alright now. Everything's gonna be alright. Everything's gonna be alright. Everything's gonna be. Alright, everything's gonna be alright. Everything's gonna be alright. The day through the be through the night, everything's gonna be alright. Everything's gonna be alright because. If we get together and get rid. Of the 1%. We could just take what is. Actually ours already, which is the world.

Which is the. Universe we could show kindness instead of. Violence and say about violence for the people who deserve it. The 1%. The two holding ************* the. Upper middle class the upper upper class. The ruling class. Let's get together and kick him in the faces. Some cats.

Interviewer: Excellent man. Brilliant.

Chris: We were right. It was good crap doing. It here the budget, this budget. That we didn't enjoy it hang. On there's always a critic. Ain't no.

Interviewer: There was some with that. There was lots of critics for me because I was singing along, apparently. I was ruining the sound. Because there's a. There's a slight lag and delay, so passing along then, so I shot. All right, program.

Interviewer: Sorry, I mean for. Most of it. Well, that's typical of the.

Chris: COVID generation now, isn't it? You're not even. Allowed to sing along.

Interviewer: Yeah, you say, yeah.

Chris: Forget no contact. You can't even sing along. Now is it alright?

Interviewer: Think vocal distancing. You need vocal. You need more vocal distancing. But I think if we talk at the. Same time I. Think we the the volume goes away or something like that.

Chris: Alright, sorry sorry. I keep talking over you, man. Giving her phone.

Interviewer: I would so you've got those people. You didn't have you got? Give us another tune, man. I was. Enjoying my. But what I.

Chris: Would love to see if it's alright with you. Is this one of the oldest, oldest riffs that ever came? Out of my. Guitar for not much of.

OK.

Chris: A copier of things. I'm not very good at tucking things in and remembering them while remembering stuff on shutter, so I was on a lot of psychiatric meds for years and I got four memories very well and then I got ******* carbon monoxide poisoning. The ship gas, fire and. I've literally got. All in my brain. But this guitarist. Came through all that with me and it was still. In my fingers. But then I never got any words for it for years, but it's about when I used to live in. Scotland and the 1st. Times that I ever, ever did what the song is about. So I'll sing it for the Scottish people and. I love you up there and I've I've noticed. In all apocalyptic movies. Scottish people survive. So before the football English counts die, I'm happy. Where I'll I'm gonna ping over the wall in about 3 months as long. As I haven't got one. In the fields of Scotland. After rain has been raining. But these were.

Chris: Getting wet, the trainers were soaking. But I'm not bothered seeing now in the fields. Looking on the ground.

Chris: With me, little plastic bag. See what I've.

Chris: Round mushroom. Mushrooms, natures sacred antidepressant mushrooms, Scottish mushrooms. What a great free thing to find. What an unusual thing to do with my mind. Take him. Back to my house. Newspaper out to dry. Maybe soft pot of tea? And I don't need. The milk and sugar. All that particular. All I need is boiling water. And mushrooms? Mushrooms. Show me legs are going along. Few mirrors are. Going strange, everything is miranga.

Everything is new.

Chris: Now in the fields laughing at the trees. The glass is really loud. Whether or not I need a ****. Or have I?

Chris: Already ****** myself. And it starts to chew away at.

Chris: Me, I have. I ******. Myself on a piece myself. I've I picked myself off. I picked myself.

Chris: Kissed myself. I can't tell.

Chris: It's no point asking Leon. Leon's a better burglar than he is a ******* elk in these. Moments Cesar Leon. Says me and Leon, and I'm saying Leon have a **** myself.

Chris: And he's just laughing at. Me and I thought I'll ask. Somebody who isn't. Leon and in the distance so far I. Said hey mate. Could you don't touch the phone and my pants? Could you just touch your phone? And you can't tell me whether or not. I'm cooking too hard to tell. Whether the wet or dry or blue or bright.

Chris: Right. I don't mean to annoy. Could you just touch my pants, touch my pants, touch my pants? Tell me whether. Or not. The wet. Don't be a.

Chris: ******* and the farmer said. Get off my land. And I were like mate I'm after.

Your land.

Chris: Just lend me your hand. But now nasty one, they've.

Chris: Tried once to carry a 20. 5 kilogram bag of *******. Peak and it was really heavy. I wouldn't be able to steal your.

Chris: Where would I take it? You idiot. And anyway, worms.

Chris: ****** on your land when you're not looking. And he still told me to get off his lawn. And they were like mate for Foot's. Sake, just touch my pants.

Chris: And it's only once. Again, to get off his land.

Chris: And it made me think about land ownership and I thought, how can you? Own this land. Then smartphone get wide with me, you ******* old. Man and he goes well. My grandfather fought for this land. So sit up. Give me an idea. Bring your ******* grandad out, Aaron.

Chris: We shouldn't have said that. Just massive, really good at fighting. I shouldn't ******* settle the back. Punching me, punching really hard in my face, punching as hard as only a Scottish person could punch your. Remember, she's pretty ******* hard. But I was. So tripping that I laughed and the more the left, the more he punched me and the more he punched, the more I laughed and the more he punched in the. More I laughed. And they punched me that much that he died. So now I owe these love. It's now I owe these love according to the rules of land ownership. Technically his love because he died in the fight even though he wasn't even fighting back, even though it was just looking laughing. Now I own this land. If I could remember. Where it was.

Chris: We could go there now. No, we can't run lockdown shy.

And then I did.

Chris: Kiss myself. Mark, draw up. Sorry if any of.

Chris: These songs are going on for too long just. Do that.

Interviewer: No, no, mate, there's no. There's no rules to this man. We don't. We've got all the. Time in the world. Literally right now.

Chris: Actually we want. It's the apocalypse. We can say what we want.

Right.

Interviewer: I've got a I've actually got a request for anti gravity cats.

Chris: Yeah, I'm happy to do any request if there's any hot knife people request when I'm in the gig, I love it. If someone shots.

Interviewer: Not in, not Highland, he said. Anti-gravity cat.

Chris: Excuse me, Mark, I'm coming up really ******* hard.

Chris: On there, there it is.

Chris: This is Scottish man. This is Michael are going out to mcewens champion. 7.3% *******.

Interviewer: It's not the, it's not the carrollsburg super you're in.

Chris: Not anymore, not.

Chris: I I was into that for years, but when they took, I knew it was the end times when. They changed special brew.

Interviewer: Special they did the same time brew as well, Iron Brew special brew. It's all it's sort of different.

Chris: It it was a class war move that that was an attack on the working class or the underclass. They ******* was that they didn't take a percent off a. ******* done paying on, did they? They took it off a ******* special bill that counts. And if you're alcohol dependent, that's. A big deal. You shouldn't **** with the strength of a drink if you're used to how many cans you should have to get to keep yourself right then they shouldn't **** about. With it when. They changed the percentage of special brand new. The end times would come in. I still got. It's empty sadly, but I've still got one. Of the old cams. Cause that used to be a.

Chris: Cuddle in a Cam that. If you have to sleep outside. Or in a van or in. A doorway or somewhere? 9% cuddling account makes you feel better now. It's like a tease. In a tin. ******* 7.5%, mark.

Chris: It's like driving.

Chris: Lager now and you only took a. Percentage off grew.

Chris: That I was gonna die anyway because I thought I can't judge my amounts anymore.

Interviewer: It's all changed. It's crazy times we're living in.

Chris: No, the the matching is good.

Interviewer: Everything seems different.

Chris: The matching is for me when I was about 25. No, maybe 24. Anyway, I was having a bit of a bug. Doo Doo is large.

Chris: Tried to kill me and my brother blah. Blah blah I've been. Awake for a few nights. I lost my house. And everything was. Going bit shy, so yeah this big. Lump uh thinking now that'll get. Me to bed sort of become and then. I must looking. Back, I think I had a seizure, but. What's happening in my head? Cause I've been like sleep deprived and I was very frightened as well, so I. Had lots of adrenaline in my head. And I've had a seizure in this in my girlfriend's bed, not not knowing what a seizure was. Cause was the. First one I've ever had. And then my tripping sort of stare. I went downstairs naked, covered in ****, and I'm saying to our James, James, Seamus listened to. Me, ma'am. And he's like what? Are you doing with your clothes on your current and like Seamus? The ******* have died. And I was convinced that I died in this seizure and that what I'd been experiencing, the convulsions, was my soul. Leaving my body. So I was actually totally convinced. I was dead because. I was in the middle of a cannabis psychosis, not realising after. Eating a massive bumper arch. Silly *******. So my brothers saying you haven't died and my girlfriend and the mate. So then Chris, you haven't ******* died, mate. You're naked. You're. Being a bit annoying, but you're certainly not dead. And I will get in there and I. Cause I've taken. They listening to me? Why are They denying the more spiritual experience I've ever.

Chris: Had I've died in. That ******* bed up there because they said, yeah, we could. Do you ******* sum up were going on? We thought you were having. A bank summer and. I'm like what died and.

Chris: They won't have it and then cause. That's all I wrote with my poor brother. The poor little *******. It's putting up with me. I ******* had another seizure that, but everybody saw me. Then having a fit. So they did what they what you'd imagine would be sensible. They got an ambulance. So I'm coming round from the. Second, fit in the back of. The ambulance still convinced that I've died. So I'm like just I'm thinking the West in NHS.

Chris: They could help somebody else, I'm. Shouting to the driver. Mate, I've died. You're wasting petrol. Don't take me to be alright. Take me to the cemetery. Where I.

Chris: Used to hook the. Glue and I'll be. Alright, I can be a ghosty and I can hoof ghostly glue and it'll all be fine. And my put brothers in the ambulance. To me, and I'm saying to him, James, look, you'll have to ring mum and tell her I've died and he's like, hold me still. And I ended up put the shameful to admit, but I've kind of got a bit of fight bit fighty. I've got quietly with the ambulance guys, which you should never do, because for me, they actually save lives, man. But I was more fighting with my brother. But we did fight a lot as brothers anywhere, but so they ended up strapping me to this ambulance. ******* stretchy thing and I'm there in in buffer rolling night. Yeah, it was buffer rolling, firming. I'm there in. The A&E. Strapped to a stretcher and I'm shouting at all the. Pigs heads going well ensure. A bit of respect for the dead. I ******* lied.

Chris: Earlier you ****. I ******* died. I'll have you know. And I had shut myself. And I'm kissing self. I must have died. Some bear it's sitting me on. Chi ******* got you know with tie wraps.

Chris: Holding me onto the stretcher. Then they put me on to the heart monitor, cause obviously they're thinking what is. Going on with this matter and. On the heart monitor. And after a bit of calming down. Then add another fit and the things little things come off my chest, didn't they? So the machine. Went because I had died because they came up with Jess. But me I saw that and I'm saying to the. Nurses, I told you. I ******* died. Where's?

Chris: Lord, listening to me today. I died at tea time and you still ******* me about with this?

Chris: ******* heart monitor. Can I not just get a taxi?

Chris: Or at least go to the pub now I'm a blasty, and anyway, so as you might imagine, I. Ended up in a mental hospital there. So what sound does anybody wanted? Was it antigravity cats?

Mark: It's funny, gravity can't. But if you if not if. That was that was saying.

Chris: Sorry for interrupting you, Mark. Did you have a question or something?

Mark: No, no, mate, no. I just. I was what? I was going to say was I thought you were building up to a song about you being dead. And we were gonna plant a gravity cap, but you can. Play both if that was a. Uh, you know.

Chris: The song about being. There was never actually an actual. Song about that book. No, no, no, no.

Chris: When you saw us.

Mark: Kill them.

Chris: No, that gig that you booked me for. At the Garden party. That lachal Maddie, who I was with. She put a bit of a Cardium behind. That story and. That's right.

Chris: It she for one gig only. That was a song.

Mark: That was great, man.

Chris: So you saw the only one time that was. Ever song you saw.

Mark: I was, you know, I was absolutely gutted at the end of the night after you played. I was about to go and grab you for a podcast. I had the recorder with. And I turned around for one second and you disappeared. And I heard. I heard all these stories that you were on top form. You were playing gigs all night long or or all day long or something.

Chris: No, I don't think I was actually. Do you know straight after a gig? Cause this can be a hard thing for.

Mark: Maybe before the gig, maybe before the gig then.

Chris: Yeah, it might have been. Ohh now. Before like that was what was happening. I was on the. Back, you know on the back. Sort of step of somebody's truck. And I was telling these other Glasgow a lot about the whole thing of thinking I was dead and telling the ambulance guys that I was dead and quite spontaneously. Maddie was just playing this. Little riff behind it. And it's it was a bit like. The doors it was.

Chris: A bit like that. Show me the way to the next we ski by you. Know that kind of own pass sort of feeling. And cause she put a bit of. A rhythm to. It naturally, the story sounded like a song, but it turned into a mad song and I ended up with loads and loads of Glaswegian ****** people happy where all shouting. You were dead and. The and the response was you're not dead. I am dead. You're not dead. I am dead. Unless when you're dead, you're off your head and. It turned into a massive song, but I've never been able to. Remember it since. Because that's one thing.

Mark: I mean you in. General, I mean, not all your songs. Are the same anyway? I mean you don't. But never before, right? Need to remember.

Chris: I could explain that if that's alright.

Mark: That would be good I'd like cause I think because obviously right now we've got a lot of captain Hot Knives fans in the house, but some other people who have no ideas.

Chris: Yeah, there must be people who've never seen my gig.

Mark: And they're just like, what's going on?

Right. If I could.

Chris: Explain it. I'd actually probably be really good because. It's an interesting thing that to. Deal with in itself, right? Because when I do my songs. I'm only really working off the riff. And the title.

But I can't.

Chris: Return memories. If you give me a pen and paper and said write down the lyrics to a captain of knife song, I wouldn't be able to do. And I'm not too hot with the pen and paper, if you know what I mean. I can do it. I can read I find reading easier on text actually, but it makes my brain to read and write. So I I. I don't like. Doing it. So never write any lyrics down, and when I go to sing the song again, it'll have a different version because I'm neurologically. Not capable of doing anything consistently, but actually got Tourette's diagnosis as well. But I'm a manic depressive and my head's pretty ******. I've got literal physical holes in my brain from carbon monoxide poisoning. Smoked ton of. And I've quite liked the old. Hallucinogenics as well, when we were younger. So, like my brain can't. Hold if you asked me to sing the song the same off the album. If you came to my gig and expected to. Sing along, you'd. Be scuppered because I thought the the album? Version was just the version it was that day. So my song were never the same twice which? You know where there. Might be why all the fans come back. Because it isn't the same every time, because if you go and see men, most bands are professional. It's word for word the saying. If you won't see Elvis Costello, I'd sing it when they're like Oliver's army, word for word. All the fans would know it if you went to see the beautiful South. Everyone would. Know it. Go see. Me, I don't know my own songs. I'm having to rewrite them every time I get on stage cause. I've my memory doesn't work. Like that and. Cause I've kind of got this issue with torrex. As well, where? Because Remember Me, you're sending you an access rider when you booked me for the festival? Yeah, and of course, I've got an issue that when I'm very ticky when I'm having a lot of ticks, if people touch me and I know full well they don't mean any harm, they they've it's not. They wouldn't know it, but it's like an electric shock to me and it. Makes me jump. And it's actually painful. And if they? Do it a. The sensory overload goes so much that I end up having fit. So I get quite stressy and it's worse just before a gig for me, because that's. The peak of the adrenaline. So if you had have caught me after a. Giggle before it. The last thing. I would have probably wanted to do myself not to be rude to you, but I wouldn't have wanted to do a podcast. But now now that. Actually, we between us engineered a virus that has brought down society. We should have mentioned that. And I don't mean any disrespect to the dead and the dying. I'm just being a **** to myself. I've, but now all those rules are gone. We've got time to say stuff. Because I wish my fans would understand cause they think I'm being a ****, they come up to me and they grab me and then cause I'm switching. They grab me.

Chris: And try and. Hold me still and that really works. It's like somebody. It's unbelievably uncomfortable. It's like all, like, electric shocks. It's an overlord and. If they give me 5 minutes to be. Quiet I'd be. Fine, but the more they do it. And the more people got, are you alright? You're alright? Why are you doing that? Why you? Touching like you're a. Typical people never get asked why they're doing stuff. I never go up and you're a typical **** in Woolworths and go here. Mayor, why are you not ticking? Is it what you're not stressed or is it? Cost you stressed, are you? In a good mood or a bad mood?

Chris: Why are you not ticking? But the minute I start ticking, everyone feels like they've got a ******* right to ask me. Why not leave me the **** alone? You count is what I would feel like saying, but then if? You say that you end up. With British Transport Police grabbing you, I remember. Where the gig with Chaz and Dev. God rest his soul. Jeez, man, I did a few gigs with Chaz and Dave over the years. And I was on my way to play this week in Manchester and started having a seizure on the train, so my head was banging on the window. My body is all arched up. I'm a 16 strong guy, you know. They were looking worried around me and sent this woman. You had a ticket, lady. And she wasn't being a ****, she just she was probably being really kind in her heart. But the first thing she did. Was put her hand on my shoulder. To sort of say, are you alright, mate? Because there's an instinct. You it's nothing bad against the woman to say that. She wouldn't have known. But the minute the hand went on short, do you know that's to me that you might as well burn me with a ******* sig? If you're gonna touch me when I'm fitting, you're adding to that fit. So if you see anyone ever having a fit, don't touch them. I don't believe this **** that you should put something in the mouth. No, just don't touch him. Let the fit run unless to an immediate danger of getting one over or something. Don't touch it, cause it's unbearably painful for the person having the fit. So it's done now, obviously, I've jerked away. And then if I'd had time and I wasn't fitting, I could have said. Excuse me, ticket lady. Reassuring BBC voice. Excuse me, ticket lady, I'm experiencing a seizure and your hand on my shoulder is an unwelcome addition of more stimulation at a point which my. Brain is already overloaded. Could you move?

Chris: Your hand most kindly. Thank you, Madam. Now for. The manage that that'd be great, but. What come out of my mouth was? Coffee come.

Chris: So I saw a face. I saw the face on the door from concern. Is this guy gonna die on my train? To British Transport Police, he's called me up front. He said count.

Chris: He might be having a quick, but he said. ******* ****. So Manchester station I get *******.

Chris: Frogmarch to grab me by my arms, which is. Unbearably ******* painful when you fit in. You grabbed me by my arms on the. Shoulders and frog. Marched me off and question me why? Am I fitting? What other disorder would you question somebody while they're having? Would you go up to somebody who's having a heart attack and going? Why are you having an heart attack on the train?

Mark: What you *******. Doing that for, we're playing that they're.

Chris: Saying worry, everyone with your damn I. Thought you wouldn't do it, would you?

Chris: But if you're having. A seizure, it seems, to give everyone. The right to ******* intervene. In their mind. If you see someone having seizure, especially me *******.

Leave me alone.

Chris: The less stimulus you put to me, the quicker. I'll come round. But obviously you can't explain that. But people who are neurologically a bit different, we are sick to death of. Even having to explain. Neurotypicals don't get questioned on their behaviour all the time. Stop doing it to us. You country is I tell you. That's an interesting thing. Side product of the concertation. What I'm seeing is with this virus coming around. It's showing a lot of layers of privilege. Are you in? There because some people, some people, have got. Oh yeah.

Chris: The privilege that it doesn't matter about money, they can have a month off.

Mark: Yeah, I thought you was. Feature. What?

Mark: I've noticed people are are noticing people have ever signed on at the job Centre before are saying. The tone, the tone of this, the people at. The job Centre or you know, they're getting hung. Up on or just generally it's the first thing they've experienced having to do. Use Universal Credit or or the jobs that. So maybe maybe the positive. That could come from this. Is people who would never normally. Have to go through this system. Maybe they will.

Chris: For the rest of us, I'm thinking this is Walmart because, you know the kind. Of counts who sit. There you know them. Kind of EDL's. I don't know. If there's a Scottish version, I hope. There isn't for. Your sake. But you know what EDL's there. Like it's basically they changed the name every few years when I was at school with the National Front, but we got them kind. Of right wing. Fronts who sit there going ******* immigrants? Flocking, scrounging. Take it down, jobs and.

Chris: None of them have got a job now and I'm sorry, mate. It's not the immigrants that took your job. It's the firms like Richard Brown. Hanson, who's rich enough to. Lay you off.

Chris: If Richard Branson gave 1% of his billions of wealth. He could pay.

Chris: The wages of all his employees until they got until the crisis was over of 1% of his wealth.

Mark: Richard Branson doesn't mind nothing he's done and the fact that people always said that Richard Branson got to the top by being nice. Nice man.

Chris: Right.

Mark: I forgot we've got to do anti gravity cats, but what I'll just want to see the the listeners out there is if anyone's got any questions for Chris, leave them in the comments and I'll ask them.

Chris: I'm not sure if I can or just. We may as well.

Chris: That's another side product of whatever, so I hate. Labelling myself or anyone else. I don't wanna say I'm autistic or ADHD or ADHD. I'd love to see the logo of that though in the in the in the in the *******. Professor SCDC. You know, if you could. Have that on the back of a. Denim jacket walking on the street. I might even try and make a song out of that. Let me tell you a story. But the woman that. She's the man, is not very slow. She's gonna have function. Restages got ADHD and when? She puts the kettle on. She makes a cup of tea this. Is a whole lot of ADHD HD HD. If you're neurologically typical. Well, that's looking for you, but if you're like. Me, you're in trouble. That's the things you can't. Help doing I get police officers restraining me. Just cause I've got two Reds and I'm ******* sick of having to explain. Got to wrestle whole of NHT ADHD. Angus, Angus. Angus, Angus. Guess I'm guess. Why do you dress?

Chris: Like a schoolboy. Make your servant there anyway. So that was a spontaneous song. So I didn't know that would. Happen but this is. In my gig, that not is. This is not common to a lot of performers is I don't know what I'm going to say until too late. I've said it. And then after I've said it, I. Don't remember what I've said. So imagine going through life like that. I can't, actually, I'm not actually really in charge of my own gig. I'm just putting myself on a stage and letting other people look at how I am all the time. So when I've had people come up and say, how did you come up with your act? It's not an act, mate. I couldn't do an act. I'm not. Even capable of. Telling lies. I can't lie. If I lie, I. Start ticking straight. Away, my mate Maxine. Well, text to **** at. Me because I can't lie. And everyone else can do it, just stuck as a skill. It's something I can't access. You, neurotypicals, you lucky ****.

Chris: So that's the level of privilege as well, health. You know, these young currents going out only gives. You flu. Think about the people. It doesn't only give flu to think about all your mates who've got COPD for can fibromyalgia. Do you know what I mean? Autoimmune conditions, Crohn's disease. **** ***. Just be sensible, but don't shame the people who can't self isolate because they might have to run reasons.

Mark: Oh, so I think there's some people as well that anyway, there be people that have been on this sesh for the last two weeks that don't even know it's as bad as people are making it, you know? Well, House party for two weeks.

Chris: Sorry, I keep talking over you, Max. Sorry, I have been thinking about this. I'm not even blaming the people that's on the sash. I'm blaming capitalism. Because capitalism makes you feel so **** cause it's not. Backing you up. Is it capitalism saying you're going to die in a month? Because I'm not gonna give you a wage cause you're not at work? So people are on the sesh cause they're thinking **** it, it's sending people into. **** it mode. I'm not blaming them for it.

Mark: No, but I mean also people, there's. Some people out. There who don't watch the news and tell you. So they don't even know. They don't even know.

Chris: What I love Mark I. Proper love this you know, let me show. You know that character, Deedee?

Chris: And it's like. That so? **** you. I got on the bus to Yoker Ken. And I thought.

Mark: Nobody knows. I'm know from you and I've. Got my business to. Be in your car. I'm like that all the time. I am dealing. If you ask.

Chris: If you ask me, might leave from Ireland. Louie fancy we've got at my house. It's exactly like Deedee's house. I stay up all night, every night, smoking door up. Not very good at sleeping. My DD and so to be honest, unless. It had been on my Facebook feed I wouldn't known. About the ******* crisis. I've only noticed it because my ex are all going. Oh ****. Gonna lose our jobs. And I'm like, what everybody I'm about. I'm just like dude, I'm just like. Look at me. It's me, Chris. Captain out knives.

I like the. I like the.

Chris: To save my life. Right. Sorry, mark. I keep talking of you. What you talking about?

Mark: That's OK. So, but just. We'll get any questions for Chris. Leave them in the comments just now and and we'll ask them after anti gravity kits. Yes. Thank you for. Keeping me on track. Thank you.

Chris: All the HD types. Like in my gig, if the audience shout. Out a song that helps me to ****. Because I don't know what I'm doing, I'm looking.

Chris: At the guitar half. The time going. Who's is this guitar?

Chris: People don't realize our fooked I. Am I'm not putting it. On like anyway over. A piece of toast. We fell to the ground. It will always put the side down. If you had a domestic cat, we fell to the street. We'll always learn land upon its feet. Which makes me wonder what would happen. Potato bits of potatoes onto. The back of the cut.

Chris: The cat would try to land upon its feet. Upon its backward desperately. So maybe it would spin forever. Going full Shirley Bassey, this time 18 inches above the ground. That's where it will be found. Am igrab ********. They need each others toast. They lick. Each other's ********. Or you could use the cheapest cats. You could use the scummiest cats. You could use the cheapest cats. You could use the cheapest cats. But it wouldn't work with my dream.

Chris: You know why? I can't even ask for sing Alongs anymore. I can't even ask for sing alongs because. Of the virus. It's my dream. Is the devil sprung? He grabbed it, cuts and he grabbed it, cut. If you had enough. Cats with toast on their backs, thrown out or blocks of flats. You could create a feeling. You learn to learn. If you have enough butterflies. Could create a feeling. Grown up of lots of lots.

Chris: You could create an alternative to fossil fuels and nuclear power. Thank you, mark. Sophie going on so long.

Mark: No, no, Robbie. That's absolutely brilliant.

Chris: Was a bit really.

Mark: I think I've.

Chris: Halfway through, because I heard. Of my neighbour Bang Bang on the wall and. I thought **** am I being a bit loud?

Mark: Well, you're you're actually doing a are you doing? You know, like a. Good live stream last night on your page as well.

Chris: I'm doing a thing at 9:00 o'clock on my own live stream but. It's not as. Good quality as your one. Have you got some? Sort of equipment to make this happen.

Mark: Yeah, man, I just. I just. Well, what?

Chris: Anybody is watching this chip apparent to mark to pay for the equipment, cause we could do this all our lives. Mark and me above absolute *********. As you know we can talk for our respective nations and cultures all night, but if you chip a pound to the mark it. Pays for the equipment. The infrastructure and it's 1.

Chris: Of Marks is a minute.

Mark: I just. I splashed out on the the software so that we can get cause. Right now Chris is this is streaming to three Facebook pages, a YouTube channel and a Twitch channel as well. So it's.

Chris: Well, this is one thing about you mark that I love is. You really switched on about the. Using social media properly, I've got a Facebook account and that's as far as I've got, but I'm a bit older. I don't want to. Guess your age, but my age. I'm 50. You see, I'm generation X. We had the bit before computers and we're still excited by computers. When I get an e-mail. I'm like a guy's giving me.

Chris: An e-mail and I read it and even though. It's from the gas board saying. You owe us like 7 pounds £400. I'm like. Guy sent me that and they didn't.

Chris: Even have to knock on the. Door because I'm from. When I was a little kid, I was watching Star Trek in the early 70s, watching them with the communicators, going all that on the wrapping, people talking to each other, and seeing each other while they're on the phone. Wear the phone in the ******* hall. And you will use it cause of the. I can.

Chris: Phone bill, are you aware?

Mark: I think what's gonna happen is in the future, I think if we're actually gonna have to be locked in for. A couple of months. I think it's gonna be quite calling for everyone to have conference calls. And just get pushed together.

Chris: The virtual. I'm really glad you ******* put me on this. Honestly, I was not in a bad way. My mind was occupied with the fun. And and I've been enjoying getting the emails and then sending the. Money to everybody but. I was losing it a bit, but this is cheering me up no end. OK, mark. What? What? A couple.

Mark: Of questions for you, Chris, from the the listeners so. Kelly wants to know what is your inspirations to write.

Chris: Again, Kelly, I would say. It's more involuntary than that. When the sun is. Ready it jumps. Out of my gob. If I try to write a song, it's contrived. And ****, and I wouldn't. Even play it again. But if I if I ignore that I haven't got any songs, wouldn't know just fall out of my mouth. If you ask anyone who's.

Chris: Been stuck in a van. With me and hear the. Bands that I've had to. Go on tour with me and my. God never stops. I've only got. 2 mods and I'm on. It depressive. I made 100 miles an hour, stories and songs which I cannot stop. Or I'm. I'm silent going.

Mark: I've got another question. Open it up.

Chris: And now we are all going to die. Weirdly, I'm quite cheerful. In a way, Mark, this is the thing that's dropped onto. Me for a lot of me and fellow. For people who are not neurotypical, seeing all you neurotypicals not, I'm not putting you in this category. And I'm not dissing anyone either, cause I don't believe in. I don't believe in humour that punches down. So I'm usually on the end of that sort of humour. I believe in humour that just punches across for a general laugh. A joke is only a joke if both people. Laugh so never be a **** to anyone and. A joke is my thing. I don't like comedians who pick on audience members, so I took my mate once and. We were both really depressed. I took my mate. You see a comedian. We're in the front row and the first thing the comedian does is pick on us and he goes look at these two. They look alright. ******* pair of care in the communities and we we are. We were like, we've paid money to see this guy and.

Chris: He's ******* calling a scunt and. I ended up having a gun at the. Comedian cause because he was making a mate. So I don't know like man. So I don't believe in me and comedy. I've tried not to do it myself. The only person I'm qualified to be mean to is myself. Because then you know that you are taking it as a joke, but you don't know. Anybody's boundaries, so. It's best not to be mean in general. I reckon. Sorry, I meant looking.

Mark: What is? It doing sorry long winded.

Chris: Answer to Kelly. But what? I really meant was Kelly. I can't write a song on purpose, save my life. They're quite involuntary. But if I get a good one, I try and remember it or record it. And then do. It again. Right. Crap answer.

Mark: Has has Captain Whitney's ever looked at someone jogging past and wondered if the jogger is jogging on the spot and making the world spin round?

Chris: Yeah, I've done a lot worse and I was watching. Once I was in Edinburgh years ago and it was mushy season right and I've been picking mushies in the fields up near Sterling and Bridge Avala. And I had this ******* and. In in the old days there was **** loads. Of mushies this. Is another reason. The only reason I'm interested in Environmental Protection is cause if we don't affect the environment, there's no mushies for me. I'm just a. Selfish ****. I'm not caring about the world when I or I'm. Just like please. Coming out of.

Chris: Climate change cause I like mushies a lot, but it's when you took handful of mushies and you know that bit in. Edinburgh, near the castley bit. And there's like these green, grassy bits where everyone sits in the summer. What you'd call them the pastures or summer or the Greens or the walks. I don't know, just below it in. The battle anywhere.

Mark: Yeah, I mean the the garden, the, the something gardens.

Chris: So I'm laying on this bit of grass, but see how I was coming up. So I had on the mushies that I'd eaten. That it looked to. Me like I was lying on a really like vertical slope. And I was gonna fall off. It and I ended up hanging on to. The ground like ****. I'm gonna fall. I'm gonna take a slot and.

Chris: I looked next to me and my. Guitar wasn't even moving. Because it wasn't on the slope. And when I sat up. I was on a flat bit of grass. I don't like that. I'm so mile and it was so awful I couldn't stick it in just cause the combination of neurological issues and massive amounts of psychedelic drugs I just sat in this boy on the royal. Mile, just like going. Look at everyone. This is amazing. Kind of touch.

Chris: Your fair. So I like him. Sort of the start and. Then these two girls walked past and as. Luck would have it. They were from Bradford and then you. And they ******* e-mail like Chris. What are you doing? You. Look really off your head you sat. In a doorway.

Chris: What are you doing? And I'm.

Like I love you. How are you doing? Why are You in Edinburgh. And they've gone up to that festival.

Chris: I went there for that. Didn't even know it was on. And they took me to their flat and basically. Looked after me until they came, came down off the mushies. And then I can't thank him.

Chris: Enough, although I'd still be. On my boat that now in the. Royal Mile going look at everyone's. I'll tell you what it's normark. I've never, ever liked been interviewed and I've never really done any interviews because. Because my brain is too ADHD to do it, but you're really respectful of that. Even not that you let me go off on a tangent. When I need to. And I love that. Thank you, mark. In fact, I'd I'd only ever do an interview for you basically. So if you are now my interviewer exclusive, well, who else do I know? I actually give a book about talking to. Now proper interviewers from the telly, though, **** ***, they're working for the government. Anyway that counts. They've got more booking money than cents and they're not giving any to my fund.

Mark: And also we've got we've got the good questions like Cross is had. A full question. With ever done a big jaggy job all the. Day after doing mushrooms.

Chris: I've done a lot, Sir.

Mark: A big jaggy jobby the day after doing mushrooms.

Chris: No, the shakes you do after mushies the Bard. I dunno if it's the mushes themselves or what. What you get up. To while you're.

Chris: But the Shiites the day after are like. They are like the COVID ******* 19. You'll have to tell your. Mates like don't go in the ******* toilet, man. For a week, if you. Don't Isabelle wishes tell you does? The work fast but.

Mark: How's the meadows, by the way? The meadows that what we're trying to remember in Edinburgh. I would never where.

Chris: I was when I thought it went vertical. And it was. Just cause I was tripping, yeah. Yeah, I knew it was in Edinburgh anyway.

Mark: Thank you, John.

Chris: I did my best. Alright, mark. So what's the next question?

Mark: The next question is so it's people. Talking about Deedee. Nah, it says thank you for playing. The cat, the anti gravity cat song Dan Dan says he loves Chaz and Dave. He met them once. Lovely blokes. Can you play any Chaz and Dave?

Chris: That is a really good request, but as I. Thought I'll put this out there cause this is the first person who's ever listened to me in an interview. So cause it's you asking Mark I can take my time, answer it properly. I can't.

Mark: Take the time.

Chris: The reason I can't do cover versions cause people shout cover versions. You know when you're doing a gig. There's always some guy caught up. Going play some Oasis, it's. It's not that. I don't even wanna play for the guy. I'd like to play him anything he wants. My mission on stage. Is that everybody has a good. It's not moodiness that I can't play a cover, and neurologically I'm incapable of sticking to my own lyrics. I can't learn someone elses. I'll give you an example like you pick any famous tune and I'll off top of my head. I'll take you a famous tune. In my version alright. Her eyes, they shone.

Chris: Like hedgehogs, her elbows were made out of speed. Her *** had its own Wi-Fi pass fault. It was all uppercase. XQ. You see what I mean? I can't do conversions. I'd love to to do it. I could. I can do parodies. I've changed the word.

Mark: You have. I'm trying to remember you're trying. To remember the. Authority to.

Chris: I've got ice camp. Manana is one of them.

Mark: You also did one. Did you do Prince?

Chris: No, not Prince. I did one of joy. Division called slugs. Got me another question, Mark, sorry I got off topic. This is this is the problem with the ADHD people, we can't.

Mark: No. Let's go. Let's go. Well then we've.

Mark: Got breaking news? We've got breaking news, apparently.

Chris: Or why has everybody?

Mark: We're gonna. What we'll be doing next.

Mark: We're gonna lock down. According to Christina, it's locked down.

Chris: Ohh, it really is everyone's. Going to live like me now. Welsh Open line Rd. neurotypicals. You're all. Going to be.

Chris: Three days now you should have. Prepared for it, sorry. Yeah, you do. See the.

Chris: Shouldn't be smoking? Black smoke always sit with me. If I make a joke, I feel instantly guilty afterwards because really, I did a really bad tick about Lady Diana. The day after she. Died and I felt really guilty afterwards, but shall. I do it. Go for it.

Chris: Hear the most evil Lady Diana ******* song ever. Mark, it's your show. I don't want you to get death threats.

Mark: I just I'm.

Chris: When I do it.

Mark: Curious, I'm too curious. I need to hear it now. I didn't hear this.

Chris: OK, alright. And this isn't actually. Against Lady Diana, her as a. Person because I never met her and I never wish harm on anyone. It's just against this making a stern out of the royal family, because **** *** a saying, it's someone who carries shopping home for their autistic kid. They're saying is somebody who gives a tenner when they can't afford to. That's the same. ******* loaded. I.

Chris: Don't want a ******* St. man, she. Was part of a privileged. So don't kid yourself.

Chris: On about these ***** and ******* lying eyes them because they wouldn't. Look after you in their heartbeat. They'll let you die anyway. So this is my slagging off Lady Diana Song. It's also slagging off Elton John for recycling a song that he claimed was about ******* Marilyn Monroe. This Lady Diana died it. Was about her. Hang on, ****. Is it? Who is it about so I?

Chris: ****** it up the day after as. Well, it was the day. After she died that I sang this. Tossing it. To Ultra right, I've intruded it too long. I'll go for. It seems to me. You lived your life like a parasitics like.

Chris: Sucking the ***** of rich blokes, that was. Older than you. Dad, you ****** a jugged mutant so he could have some human kids, but one of them looked a lot more ginger than the other one ever did. Ohh you shouldn't.

Chris: Let you show for take ecstasy, cause they'll probably crash the car and all the paramedics will find if you will be your Dolce and Gabbana bra. And you told us that landmines were dangerous, and I'm really glad you did cause if I. Hadn't have heard that.

Chris: I would have bought 12 landmines and put them down my pants and hit them with a hammer. What was? The actual song anybody wanted.

Mark: I think it was the hold on. Just get the breaking. News coming in. OK, shoot.

Mark: It's locked down, yeah. So it's it's you want to comment on this? Is there?

Mark: First time we've actually the breaking news happening and. The first step.

Chris: In the lockdown, saying anything so my comment on it is this. My immediate worry about the lockdown is. If anybody in the.

Chris: Audience watching this is affected adversely by the lockdown. Uh, send me a message if you just want to talk shy to pass the time, or if you need some ******* money. I've got a hardship fund. I know money might not be useful, but virtual money might still be useful because you could at least order a shop. It might take a couple. Of weeks, but that may might be when you run. Out or if the. Gas and leak is coming on. Got ask me, I'll give you some money and even my money. My Mets are helping me. People have helped me for more over people are helping, trying to help you. Who you wouldn't expect to help you. One of my good friends has chipped in. He's a big part. He has a big part to play in. The Roman community. So even the Romanians are trying to help the God yours so. This is a. Time when the division needs to end. The lockdown, if it teaches us anything, is. Nobody is better nor worse than anyone and everybody matters and look out for your disabled mates at this time because they might be really ******. But what if we're? Privileged enough, we've got phones we can talk to each other, you might know mates. That street people. What street people gonna do in the lockdown? I'm earning more money for for homeless and I'm most worried for people who are because I used to be physically dependent on alcohol in the sense of like. Alcohol withdrawal is really vicious and you can die of a withdrawal. And obviously I don't want that happening to anyone so.

Mark: The word on the street is is that all homeless people are getting put in hotels, which makes you wonder why they didn't just do that in the first place.

Chris: Mark, this is it. All these questions now like what will they do for the homeless? They could. Have done already, yeah.

Mark: Yeah, if you want. The royal family.

Mark: You're interested. In hearing what the official word, this man. So the official word is coming through that they're going to.

I mean.

Mark: For the next three weeks. People are wrong. Not to meet friends or family. Shopping is only permitted for essentials like food and medicine. Police powers to enforce the rules, including fines and this person gatherings. Shiite and all gatherings of more than. OK.

Mark: Two people in public, excluding people you live with. Excluding people you live with, sorry, that means you have three people in the kitchen.

Right.

Mark: Funerals are not included in the new restrictions. Parks will remain open for exercise, but gatherings will be dispersed. Libraries, playgrounds, outdoor gyms, places of worship are to close. And all ships.

Chris: Mark, is it OK to comment on it?

Mark: Yes you can. My friend, I apologize.

Chris: For the number of times I've spoken over you, Mark cause I'm. Not doing it on purpose really. I just get an idea and it comes straight out of my mouth, so sorry if. I've done that.

That's OK.

Chris: I've got two things to say about this lockdown thing. I've seen a lot of mates even going ah, it's just it's just the government they're trying to controllers, yeah. Fair play, et cetera. But this has happened in every country and the reason it's happening is because there's a new virus which nobody knows. How to treat? Now, if we all stay away from each other as much as we can and it has shown to work, and I know this first hand, I've got mates in Ireland who I speak to every day on the. Video calls.

Chris: And I've even got mates who've had. ******* Corona Fingo virus as well already. And that poorly now. But in Ireland they did a lock down two weeks ago and it's helped. It's actually helped they've been. Far less deaths, I don't I. Haven't watched the news today? Cause the news is making me. Want to kill myself so I don't watch it? I just watch it once a day. That's the top tip. Don't watch the news too much. Just watch it once a day and see what they're saying. Watch it for 5 minutes and then. Switch it off I had. A mate self isolating who has had it on 24 hour news and I said don't do that. Put the pogs on. Put the ******* pogs on lockdown. I I would say don't get all hoity toity thinking I'm not doing what I'm told. It's not about that. You're saving somebody's Nana. Think about others. If everybody put others before yourself, nobody. Would go out without, would go without. If everybody passed everything forward with no thought, or if you gave without thought of receiving anything back, none of us will be short of vote. Like you've rightly said there, Mark, if they can put the harness in. Our tails now. Why wasn't they already in an hotel? You know what I mean? The only. The only reason people? Have started caring about.

Chris: The homeless in authority is that they might spread an infection they haven't thought. Or poor ********. There's a reason they're wrong here. There's a reason the wrong booze. The reason they haven't thought their childhoods were ******* right and they were in care. They got abused. That's why they take gear to blow it out. Nobody's thought that they just, they might make us ill. They might make us ill, stick him in a hotel. Why don't we make a more Humane Society and then less people will get ill in the rest of the time, not just for the duration of this virus as to all the ******* people? That were out in the pub. I'm not judging them. They might have been **** scared. So the and also, there's no point judging anyone cause you don't know their motivations of them. I don't judge any working class person for doing whatever they've done. Like the people who bought loads of bog world, they're just shifting it cause it's their last wage. But if capitalism was kind and they. Wouldn't have that feeling. What we're going to experience is. In China and Italy and Iran. And all the other countries. It's real. It's not just the government telling you off. It's not ******* Big, brother saying you can't. Go to Glastonbury. It's like it's ******* real. I've got mates in Italy right now that I've. Been in touch. With it's real, there's dead fellas everywhere, so stay in the foot home if you can. And if you're in the NHS and you? Have to go and work with. It we should be supporting you unquestionably. The wages of nurses and the wages of ******* shelf stackers. Shelf Stackers will always took the **** out of or if you don't get your levels, you'll only. Be stacking shelves. Turns out shelf stackers, the most important people. In the world now. Aren't there? So if there's no in ******* Morrisons and you are shouting at shelf guy, don't ******* do that, you *****. It's not the shelf guys fault. It's people like the queen. They could have fill their own shelves tenfold with a fraction of their ******* hoarded wealth. The lizard cuntz. Anyway, sorry Mike, I got a bit. Then cause I thought well. I don't actually want any of my friends to die because of lack. Of money. Yeah, I think one good thing that might come out of this virus is the death of capitalism, because even the rich are not immune to it. If the rich thought they were immune to it, they wouldn't even provide hotels for the homeless. That God just let them die will be fine, but even Tory ministers have got it so. And that's why they help. That's the only reason they're trying to help anyone is to not die themselves, but I think we should help everyone all the time anyway. Do any of.

Chris: Us gotta work if all we're doing. Is being unhappy at the end. All our tax money should go on well-being. Like in Denmark, they don't have charities like we do in Britain, but then everyone has decent childcare. You know, foot barnardos we should. It should be. Built in all our age. If we're gonna live. A an industrial lifestyle, but put our wages into well-being the things we should do is plant loads of food. Now obviously right. Anyway, color Mark, sorry I've got. The code where there. No, no, no.

Mark: I told me. Before Mark, it's my first apocalypse.

Mark: It's not your first.

Chris: It's everybody's fault. Me. God, I've got a bit carried away there.

Mark: You've got more clips before. Sorry. No, it's.

Mark: Alright man, I mean, do we have, do we have a lock down song we could do?

Do you know?

Chris: There's so many songs in gangster? Rap Pinter and hip hop.

Mark: You shut down. Turn off.

Chris: I'm not being funny. If you're black, you live on lock down all the time. So now white people are going to know what it's like. So this might make people stop being ***** to black people, I hope because black people are on locked down all the ******* time. Because if you're blocking London and you walk about as the EU. If the coppers think they can just pull you up while you up, stick you up against the wall, search your ******* pockets. They're gonna do that. Why it is now. So **** you. I don't mean against anyone, but whites need to learn. Not that that's. A horrible thing and I think also mark. I've seen Brits on Facebook going, the army are gonna be on the streets. So imagine living in ******* Belfast in the 70s, you ***** there. The army was on the streets all the time, smashing the **** out of Catholic kids, ******* searching them on the way to school. You're gonna know what that feels like and OK. It's about a virus. But don't be ******* looking down on anyone ever again after this. Don't look down on the Irish after this, you *****. You see what I'm saying? And if you.

Chris: Yeah, I am a bit sweary. I mean, I even, even though I've got a Tourette's diagnosis, only 10, only 10% of people have to rest, have involuntary squares. I don't have involuntary squares when I swear. I mean it. The threats. Just involuntary movements, except for the optic. The only vehicle clicks I get are like usually pretty camp. I have tips with Punjabi swear words but I don't have any English swear ticks. So if I'm swearing in English it's cause I **** you mean it? So am I.

Mark: Sorry, when you said Punjabi. How do you how do you know? How did you learn Punjabi swear words?

Chris: Well, you can't force a tick, so I don't ask me to do one on purpose, cause that's kind of impossible. No, I don't mean I.

Mark: How did you learn that? All right. No, no.

Mark: How do you?

Chris: Swear in swearing in Punjabi is because I've grown up in Bradford and a lot of my mats at school were from. But I've got your question.

Chris: Azad Kashmir or were they weren't from there, the parents were. A lot of.

Chris: The Bradford kids, a lot of the Asian community in Bradford, in my era, my age group. From a part. Of Pakistan called Mirpur Mirpur is part of the Punjab. Pakistan only existed since 1948, which was because of the British Empire dividing. India and and causing partition. That was a deal done by Mount Batton among others, and they were all *****. Believe me, Mount Button was a child abusing count. That's why the IRA blew him up. So anyway. Back to how do I know? Punjabi swears I don't know enough Punjabi. I wish I could speak it properly because I I think if you're gonna learn a language at at at at school, what's the point of learning French if you live in Bradford, you're never gonna meet a French count in your life unless you're pushing off to travel abroad. You're not gonna meet a French guy, but if you learn Punjabi, you could be talking. To the guy next to you in your class. Why don't we learn?

Chris: Punjabi and I had a brilliant idea the other night, inspired by my friend Lee in Ireland. Lee Francis. She's like a good promoter at work. She's a good. Promoter, she's a. Friend who gave me a couple of gigs. Because she thought I was worth putting on. She's not actually a promo. She's just a lovely friend. She's a great singer, actually, is what she is. But Lee is teaching me how to speak Irish to stop me going mad. Because we've all if. You've privileged enough to have a video for and do Facebook video message. If your mate speaks a different language and you're all. Locked up for weeks. Get them to teach you it.

Mark: Is is that what else do you think people should be doing then with a with a spare time when we should be inside? Right.

Chris: We've all got loads of spare time. I've got a lot of experience of spare time because I've spent a lot of time. Unable I spent a lot of time where I was unemployable in a way because I was in and out of mental hospitals in my 20s, cause I've got manic depression. That's the diagnosis. The truth is poverty. Causes most people's mental illness. 99% of people I've met with severe mental illness, they were abused as kids. They have very poor backgrounds and the mental hospital I was in was extremely unsafe cause the staff were bent and they were actually torturing their patients. But they had the perfect excuse. If you told your visitors what was going on. Then the staff had already told him you were delusional and I hate when people use mental health as a put down and got your delusional mate mate. That's that hurts somebody like me because that was used as an excuse to cover up the fact that I was getting tortured every ******* day in the hospital. And I worry about all the little youths that are autistic, who get put into these. Arms and stuff because the staff are ******* *****, man. And that needs sorting out. If any good comes out of this. I personally if I get coronavirus, I'm gonna go on a rampage. I'm gonna find. Every Ben corrupt. ******* that I know and spit in the mouth. I'm gonna go and find Boris too, so I'm gonna go on Tinder in a foxy outfit. You know, like when Bugs Bunny dresses up as a. Girl Rob it. I'm gonna go in a sexy outfit on Tinder and I'm gonna trap Boris Johnson into meeting up with me to work to get in. Get me. To suck him off. And then it. It'll be me in a dress and I'll spit coronavirus into. His overprivileged tore him. And then I'll ******* leave him to live. I won't even kill the chunks and then he can spread it among the cabinet. And the Royals, and they will die. My only hope the virus is all the posh currents tie and. All the nice cuts live. Thanks for winning my phone marks. I've got my own gig in. 10 minutes gonna. OK. Yeah.

Chris: See about book.

Mark: OK, that's good. But then it go for it. Yeah, fast. It gets. You fall fast, fast. It gets you ****** fast. Daycare, ship books fast thing about cider. Sentimental one good. Thing about WW1, good thing about whiskey. Good thing about you don't know where you been. That is why I. Absolutely love. One good thing about you folks. One good thing about security guards officers. One good. One good thing that Club Med psychiatric nurses. I'm good finger that. Sorry, count one good thing about Royal family one good. Thing about being a party. Nothing, nothing. Not not first, it gets you food fast. One good thing about book fast. It gets you. ****** fast blue by monks drawn by punks. It gets you.

Chris: Mark, thank you so much for getting in touch. Me, I don't even care. Thank you very much.

Chris: Watch that cause. I'm just glad to. See your face, ma'am.

Mark: There's been lots of people who spend in man.

Chris: Since I met you in that in the room shack at James Sweeney's memorial for that last. I've forgotten the. Name of the lab because I didn't know him. In his lifetime. But I've kept the flyer, Ian Webster. So he was at Glasgow Punk and the Glasgow Punks in every apocalyptic movie. Scottish punk survive, so you better. Drive you count. Right. I'll catch you all in a bit.

Mark: All right. And if anyone's I'll. Let you get ready for your next gig, man. Money one needs any money.

Chris: Or your alcohol, depending on. Ever ******* send a private message to captain up knives? And if you're struggling, I'll do my best to help because it's not my money anywhere. People know it's the fund and they're all chipping in. It's like solidarity, working class solidarity and among the musicians and the festies, and also are among the buskers and. The the people. Who don't have a home that they can isolate. And the people who don't have the money that can afford. A month or *******. Any job and all their self-employed *****. So just get in touch if you're struggling, right catching a bit, mark.

Mark: Nice one, mate. All the best mate. And that was, uh, Captain Whitneys. Thank you very much to Chris for. For that, that was wonderful. And yeah, check him out on Captain Hot Knives on Facebook. He will be doing if you want to see more of Chris, he's literally gonna go and do another show at 9:00. O'clock on his Facebook live stream. So check it out tomorrow night. You might see in the bottom. Of the screen there. Tomorrow night we have Roberta Pia. From the banana sessions. And great DJ as well. Hopefully we'll get a couple of songs, a bit of chat. So, TuneIn, tomorrow, 7:00, o'clock. Well, you're all locked down anyway. I think apart from the key workers, if anybody wants to be on the show, by the way, we're gonna be doing this every day. It's 7:00 o'clock. Just send me a message. You call that radio@gmail.com or if you'd like to suggest anyone who you'd like to see in the show? Then get in touch. If you want to support this, go to patreon.com/you, call that radio. We've got about 23 audio podcasts already out there, and there's another two just about finished right now. We've got conspiracy theories of the coronavirus part one and Part 2. Part 3 will be out very soon. And we've also got one with the wee man, which is out very soon as well. Do we have any last comments? Yeah, Captain Wise and Bob was also brilliant. Yeah, we're better. Pier tomorrow will be brilliant. So thank you to everyone who's tuned in tonight. I hope everybody on YouTube, Twitch and the various Facebook channels all enjoy that. I hope it sounded well. I want to see a big massive thank you to my fannish who supplied certain things that I needed. In order to get it sounding and looking as good shows to join the heart for giving me a camera which I haven't got working yet. But there should be a. A couple of cameras. Next screen to try out for future episodes. Well, showers to Josh for dropping the stuff off as well. And thank you to everybody for tuning in. Enjoy your lockdown. I'm gonna go on to captain hot names Facebook page and see another couple of tunes for him. Thank you very much everyone. See you tomorrow night, 7:00. O'clock for you. Call that video. We're aberta pier. Nice one. Thank you.

2. One year of Lockdown & You Call That Radio TV anniversary w Captain Hotknives Open Mic Night - Mar 23, 2021

Mark: 160 shows and half a haircut later, we're back where it all began. With captain, the hot knives, or should I say capital hot knives? How you doing, mate?

Chris: ******* hell. A year? Yeah, that's mental, isn't it? Yeah, it's absolutely mad. I can't believe it. We've been. I've been sat here since then. I've literally sat here since the last show I was on with you. That was the. Last show I. Did save the day the other 364 days. I just sat in this chair. And talked to my computer, but no one was at the. Other end of it. Well, I was a bit of a win because. I I think you're actually there today.

Mark: I'm here. No, I'm definitely here, man.

Chris: One month.

Mark: Well, a bit a bit necklace, but I'm OK.

Chris: Yeah, I've known it. You've looked. To have a bit of a a funny cosmic kind of rush around your neck going on.

Mark: Yeah, this is how we this is how it started. This is where we were.

Chris: Well, that's that's that's us.

Mark: That was us exactly a year ago today. It looks like there's been nice haircuts, less haircuts. I've definitely put on. I've definitely put on the weight.

Chris: Yeah, I think I have, I think I. Lost some for a bit when I. Was really sick. But then I think since I got an update, I probably put it more than put it back on because I haven't been. Doing much I used. To carrying stuff out there and going places. And doing stuff. Lash instance, this is well, high tech business.

Mark: It's, well, the cameras improved, the computers improved, the lighting's improved. And we some people say some people. Say we peaked too. Early because you were the first ever. Show it was they wanna locked down? I wanted to start it right and I got you on the show and many people have been asking for you to come back on. They thought everyone else has been shipped with like a sequel franchise. It just hasn't been. Quite as good. Since you left so it's an absolute honour to have you back, man. I'm just gonna check the. Comments to see. Who's here tonight? We've got petrol trips. We have Alex Grant. We have survived indeed darli we made it.

Chris: With 10A year.

Mark: Happy anniversary. Looks like we made that, says Lou Touchwood, says Petra. Happy anniversary, says Mark. Thank you. I feel like I've. Costas was saying that I retract my previous comment apart from. The happy anniversary. Part we've got Paul in the house. We've got Sharon in the house, we've got his calling, same in the House. We did the intro. That's why he's saying tune that was calling. You know that that happy birthday from yay capital hot knives is Sharon. I still hear incredible stuff, says Alan fit, like had her when your anniversary three weeks ago. Kendrick and then later on tonight. So what, captain? What name? She's going to play some tunes and get a bit. Of chat with us. And then later on, we're going to have an after party of such way, an open mic with a whole bunch of special guests joining us. So thanks to everyone. Thank you everyone been supporting. This show whether you're. Just watch it. Share it. Engaging the comments, hitting that share button, or becoming a patron. If you want to support the show, that's how you do it. I've put, I put it in the pin post. If you're watching this on Facebook, then we will be moving to YouTube quite soon, so I'll put the link to YouTube and the comments. But man, I think it would be good if we just. Started well, we should man. Yeah, for that, what?

Chris: We're already on the telly. Are we now? Yeah, I thought we were still in the. Bit before so. Like well, like I know it's all good, right? OK, I'll sing a song then. I've seen a song and then we'll talk about stuff that sounds. Like a plan. If anyone out there has. Got a pair of scissors. In the fields of Scotland after. The rain has been raining.

Chris: My feet were getting wet. Trainers are soak it. But I wasn't bothered. See me out in the fields. Looking on the ground with the little plastic bag. See what I've found? Little little pushed mushroom. The mercat mushroom.

Chris: What a great free thing to find. What unusual thing to do to my mind. Take me back to my house, to dry. And I don't need the milk and sugar. By this particular room all. I need is boiling water mushroom. Steel mills are going strange. Everything is really now I'm back out in the fields laughing at the trees. Turn the volume down on the sheep sheep. How much?

Chris: She popped out of the ******* speaker on its ****. Quarantine video.

Mark: It's captain hot knives live on. You call that radio. It's actually happening. A great tune about mushrooms. Petra has the fire emoji. We've got Richie in the house. Good to hear. You and see you again. Captain. Hey up. ******* hell.

Chris: You know, when I just again you. Know when I did it then I I. Could only see myself. Is it? Could you say so?

Chris: I could see you cause that was weird. What was what was Matt gone?

Mark: No, I'm here. I'm here to just. Make you full screen.

Chris: Shop and I thought he hadn't. Even got a neck. Because I always got the.

Mark: Point you know what I could.

Chris: You're thinking a. Lot of his. Neck is out of space.

Mark: I can do better than that, I. Could do better than that.

Chris: On my way. Come on now. ******* now you've changed in this last year.

Mark: So there.

Chris: What does it say on in the words, this is like one of. Those things making Angel. I know. Making angels, yeah.

Mark: It's a it's a great it's a green. It's first time I've wore a green T-shirt since I got the green screen, so spoil the the the illusion that is actually. A green mark McGinnis. Yes, just calling saying that's just Mark McGinnis. Andrew, Mark, good to see you. Richie, too. Happy anniversary to the survivors. And thanks for all the shows. Say happy anniversary. You call that radio foray, John? But mushrooms emojis everywhere mushroom emojis, Mary says. Great to see you both, Petrus having you laughing. Love hearts. Alright, captain. Hope you're well, bro. Love that mycelium Ditty says David Blair of Conan. Muslim the Dijon 5.

Chris: Oh yeah, kernel mustard and diesel. Five man ******* hell.

Mark: Ever been? Share man, everyone. Share what? It's quite busy tonight. If you're on Facebook, if you're watching this on Facebook or Twitter or Twitch, then you need to get the bus to YouTube because that's where we'll. Be for the. Rest of the show. So you click that little link I've put in the comments and join us over there. It sounds better and it looks better and that's where the chat is. Because you you've been through, it's.

Mark: Been a ******* mad mad. Year first of all, can we talk about the capital? Have you capo hot knives? All of a sudden? Alright, OK, right.

Chris: And the problem doesn't dark and they. Did a live show for paddies there. And they they let. Me, we pre record a song for it. And I thought. That's really kind of a includes me because there's a weird time without. Any real gigs in it? And it's been on my own at home for like longer than my Carley cooking.

Mark: Did you play a lot of gigs, Captain? An average year for?

Chris: Normally play a lot of. Kicks. Yeah, normally the the. Business year I ever had, I. Did 100 kicks in? Yeah. But but in most years I did most weekends except for January. They don't know what's much on in January. I've done a lot of gigs, so I've proper Mr. it's been a weird year, but yeah, so there may be a lot of us said I could have one tune to put in their shirts, but I sent them a recording. And then after it had been on. This band from Dublin called Lancome. They sent a message in like it's like this. It's like your shot, I guess. They said Ohh we we do to keep the captain not knives and they robbed our couple.

Mark: And did you? Did you rob the couple?

Chris: I'd never think. To rob a capo in my life, I'd. Never think to rob. Anything if it's not mine, it I wouldn't put it in my guitar case, but like. I don't use a capo that much to be fair myself, but I've got one and I've got two. I've got a half one. It closed down on the three strings at a time. That's a good trick. That one that's cool. And I've got one that goes across all the five. No, the six, I don't know. I don't really.

Mark: Strings on my guitar. What a weird accusation to make.

Chris: Well, I don't know, I remember. Cake and the cake itself was mental. But I thought I thought I would. Did they do?

Mark: You do you remember the couple. Do you remember their couple while they were playing the gig?

Chris: Well, I don't think I would have even seen. A couple of discussion.

Mark: Is it truly? Is it truly that? The rumours I've heard is that you own a second hand capple shop and that's that's what I've heard. That's the word on the street.

Chris: But family business for a few generations has been sitting down, guitar accessories right, and there was a rumor going around that I deliberately played pigs in squats with bands that were just about to become huge just to get a cap off them, which would become a collectors cap in years to come. Now that room has gone round, mostly started by my mother. You know what I'm like, but like. I I mean, do I?

Chris: Look like a sort of. Person who would ohh yeah. All right, well.

Chris: Would a man who stole cannabis resin from his own grandma? Oh ****. Yeah, I'm.

Chris: Watching like the standard, really. Also, it's quite possible that I don't remember everything.

Mark: Is it is it? Could you maybe do a song about about you said capital theft? I know that you like, you know you don't. I know you like to make songs in the spot. I don't like. Put in the spot, but I know that's when you're at your best. It's just making a song.

Chris: Sometimes it is a good good to try somewhat. Totally out of the blue.

Mark: Police know what they called Lancome in Ireland.

Chris: Lancon they they used to be called lynched and that was because the two lads in the band from the Lynch family. But Lynch family, this is a little fact. Who's that famous revolution? We go in South America. Nowadays that. The guy in the is famous. He's a. Lunch anyway is related to them. Whatever it so I've got to make a song about not stealing lancones couple with it.

Mark: Denying denying all capital theft.

Chris: Yeah, I just need to think of like a roof or a car to start on. Right.

Mark: Like apple?

Chris: Gotta be like that and that's. A good point actually.

Mark: It's nothing quite like Apple. I have got a couple. Bear with us, right. Right I have.

Chris: There is a couple somewhere in this guitar case. Ohh yeah, there's two.

Mark: It's a spare one.

Chris: There's actually two parts. Right.

Chris: Or no? I thought if you can use two at once. I don't know what happens. It might be like on Ghostbusters where they cross the beams. I don't know. I'll give it a shot.

Mark: Got shot.

Chris: OK. So we're going to have a. A freestyle about not having stolen a couple.

Mark: Shake, shake with that.

Chris: Yeah, he's related to the Lynch family.

Mark: There's no idea.

Chris: They changed its name to Lancome. They did old fairy beautiful sad folk songs, the kind of songs that were really quiet. And made people cry with emotional content. They have accused. Me of stealing.

Chris: Their couple. My father was a color blind electrician. The wiring in our house always went on fire. Let's see.

Chris: Even as I saw my mother electrocuted. Grandma said you are no liar. I didn't see. The couple.

Chris: Think they just got ******? Forgot it. I didn't see the couple.

Chris: Although I do seem to have to couple. And they went to their next gig. They were. Just about to. Make it ******* big.

Chris: All the record labels were there. They were about to receive a ******* deluge from the music industry and they reached into their guitar case.

Chris: At the start of the set. And there was no couple. There was no couple. The cable was strong. The CAP ball was gone. The man for me and I said I've never ******* seen such an unprofessional, you know? You know what I mean? They've got no ******* couple. They'll never get hired. Get their manager. He's ******* fired. Have a gig in town again. Look at the stairs. They need a ******* wash.

Chris: And they haven't. Even got a couple. Was about that time I awoke from my slumbers on the ferry from Dublin to Holyhead and there was something in my coat pocket which was sticking in my back and making it hard to see something metallic, something I didn't expect to find in my pocket. OK.

Chris: I don't know what it was. I put my hand in. My pocket and next to my gun. There it was. A forking couple.

Chris: A very lovely. I'm not saying.

Chris: It was lancome's capital. Be worth more. If it was, and I'm not saying. I'm from a long line.

Chris: Of people who sell second hand musical accessories, and I'm not saying I just get gigs deliberately just to steal capons just to steal capols I've got one off Pinky and the Stooges. And I even. Got one off. Of madness. And that was a saxophone. And they're expensive, right? That's the best I could do with that for the instant song about Lancome's accusations. Let's see.

Mark: Colin signed from Colin must have said he had a capital. One time. Lewis says I like seeing Mark on screen at the same time it's. Like a reaction show. It's better for you, but it's not as good for me because I I I've usually got. To do things in the background.

Chris: In between, alright, fair things.

Mark: No, no, I just mean for people know that I smoke. People know that I've. I've quit quitting smoking again. So it's just the truth. It's the truth. No where.

Mark: That's all real. It's just me floating my head about space having a sip of beer and smoking a flag and doing a bit of typing. I can beat myself at least so I don't bump over your song or do. A big sniff or something like you've got. James, something in the house, he said. This is amazing. So good to see, Captain. What lives on the show again? We got it. It would be really good if you suddenly singing. I didn't steal the Kappa song using. The stolen capo. I think that's what we just witnessed there, if we're being honest and I guess you've been playing actual live gigs, but you're you've been doing what's obviously before you go, I'll be talking about a bit later, but at the very start. Every start working you're doing loads of live shows your Facebook page.

Chris: Yeah. Then I got. Too sick to do them and then when? I started again. I couldn't really see. So I just did. Instrumentals for ages on the banjo and stuff. But I quite liked that I thought I I thought. I really think instrumentals for ****, but few people have said in a way it's kind of better because I I ended up recording an. An instrumental album. Well, it's got 3 songs and words, but none of them are funny ones. And I made it in my head like it would be the soundtrack to a film, you'd. Be watching late at night. When you were really smashed and in my head, this film is about like the area around sort of. Done dark and Crossmaglen and just be filmed and all them little roads, just about bands on the way to gigs, you know, in small towns in Ireland. So I've made this album, which was my imaginary film soundtrack, and people have liked it cause they've said like it. The thing about comedy albums, if you've heard the joke, you know the joke. It's better to think comedy Stuff Live where it's instant and it's there different.

Mark: Well, also when you're doing your songs live, I've I've seen you. I've seen you play a few times and it's never the same song twice. You know, you play the same song, it's always different.

Chris: We'll do that even if I really, really. I'm not very good at doing it consistently. In fact, I think, yeah, that's my least ability. I don't know what songs to do. I mean a bit of a it's been so long since I've. Had to do any songs. Well, man, well.

Mark: I don't know if there's any request, I mean for me my favorite I think from you, you played or stage at Kelburn Garden Party and I just remember the the postmortems and KET was perfect for. Can you remember that?

Chris: About that one I can try.

Mark: Montos zone kit.

Chris: Said I remember I was at a popular festival in the SW. It was very warm and I'm an overweight. 50 year old Yorkshire.

Chris: Swat, who drinks a lot of. And I was surrounded by. What I. Can only.

Chris: Describe porch ******* on cats. Harsh hunters or cats?

Chris: And I heard that Georgia had lost her. New iPhone somewhere near islands den, but Sandra? Oh no.

Chris: Had already emailed her mother. She's gonna get a new word, yeah. And somebody's beloved Indian blanket. Was destined to be stolen at the end of the festival and the Kent is flowing freely. *******, they're doing their little deely dealings and then they were. Lying in piles on the ground, looking out. Of focus like.

Chris: The security men. Who said not you again? When I played the kick after the kick. Felt a bit tired. I went to lie down. It was a. Bit of rest? Heaven sent. I was lying there having me pie nice and. Calm. Happy if you lying.

Chris: Then the body crashed through the top of me. But it was Thunder came out of me, so they send me smashed up Wrexham, flattened. And I said, what are you doing? And his mate said hey. Man, don't be a. **** Sanders in a cahoot. Josh *******. Sanders, in a care home.

Mark: If you're watching this on Twitter, hashtag is zanders in a K hole. Brothers and sisters second only comes from one guy. We are here to tell people that we hear you. One guy will not allow. Us and people. Full of content to lose our morale.

Mark: Heralded by our patrons. Lots of comments coming in. Yup, nice show says Look Jackson blue blue glass. Uh, Bob Carr says. What the ****? When your own body doesn't want to hang around and. Listen to your show I've. Just lost a bit of weight. It's all went in my face. My big fat face. Every the rest of me has lost weight.

Chris: Dodgy heroides have. Been from the market.

Mark: Owen says brilliant captain had he's on my TV from the start, says Sharon. You've got amazing skills, capo, come on, sing us another. David Blair says posh hunters on KET there's loads of requests coming in here. Someone's Bob's asked for slugs. China shop. Always asked for anti-gravity cats carry, Harry has shown us ask requesting the shoplift. All right.

Chris: Alright, now, don't. Don't tell us. Too many at once.

Mark: OK, let's go find the graphic on this.

Chris: And pigeons.

Mark: The pigeon just told me shot off. Ladies, gentlemen, we live with the the one and only captain hot knives. Anything can happen. We're gonna be captains going to join us for some chat and some tunes, and then we're going to the after party. Open mic because we're we're commemorating a year. I wouldn't say celebrating. But I commemorate I. Get a lockdown. And in day one, we started. Channel all right.

Mark: Just going to. Take over my.

Chris: I'm going to. I'm going. To do anti gravity caps for. Orbitor and chime shop for. If you have a piece of toast. It fell to the ground. It would always land what to side down? If you. Had a. Domestic cat.

Chris: Fell to the street. It would always land. Upon its feet.

Chris: Which makes me wonder what would happen if. A three-way tower open tower but. How would it know how to love? How would it know? Too long.

Chris: The cat would try to land upon. His feet. Just directly to the side. So maybe it would spin forever.

Chris: Approximately 18 inches. The ground. That's where it would be found. Cats. Cats with toast. It wouldn't work with Labradors top ********. They eat each other's toes, sniff each others bums.

Chris: But you could use the cheapest cats, sheep. Producers company starts you produce the more peers cats. You produce the. Kind of. Cats that have.

Chris: Eaten that old ladies in. Blocks of flats and you produce the cheapest bread. You produce cheap and cheaply sheep. Stay over. Molded redhead. It doesn't ******* matter should not.

Chris: Gonna wait it we just tossed it and bought it and. I'll throw it now. Well, it will. My dream.

Chris: All right. You do smart, Julie.

Chris: Is the devil's spoon. Somebody new, yes.

Chris: It's the devil's. It's also more bugs and.

Chris: Has we talked on their buns? That's with toast on their butts. If you added. Lots of flats. You could create a A community. If you don't have the blocks of flats, you could create power. That's sweet toast. Cats sleeps always down there but. Wake up.

Chris: Cats sleep toast on their backs. It's on there. We start you, Danielle. I'm looking for me all. That great. You call that trade? Say hey. Hello. Hello.

Mark: Hello yes this is. As you call that radio TV, we're live with Captain Hot Knives. Bagging it all began a year exactly to the day. OK.

Mark: Yeah, a year. You are good feeling.

Chris: Right at the start. That wasn't gonna be good. But like, **** me. I start feeling. The Christmas before. Yeah, the 12th of December, when the *******. So Boris Johnson, on set on telly saying that ******* Jeremy Corbyn was in the war. Pretty much. I can't really say. I've can't really see it, Jeremy Corbyn. Well, I mean.

Mark: England seemed to vote for the Tories because. Jeremy Corbyn had an allotment and.

Chris: Was not. You have basically.

Mark: And some slippers and more slippers. You have to like let.

Chris: Anywhere nice people. And he didn't hear anybody. But yeah, like when you got. But when Boris Johnson first came on and said he was, like, involved with it. I just. Thought that's been on the training thing, me. You won't hear me kick your ******* rifle up.

Mark: Like a scholar like the colour blind electrician.

Chris: Oh yeah, my daughter was.

Mark: Got him. Mrs. Magoo's in the house, she says. Are you gonna be selfish, captain? Hold on. I'll put this on. This may actually help.

Chris: No, actually, probably not, sadly. I forgot what were the songs everybody said. One of them was the pigeons on it.

Mark: Yeah, the pigeons told me to shoplift. I'd love that. This is the Mrs. Magoo hat representing.

Chris: The pigeons were.

Mark: Is that right? What's that? I'd love nothing more, man. It's wherever I think.

Chris: Consciousness of like it's got very thin walls. But I'll give you that. The pigeons top shop lift. Devices was persuasive pitches their control.

Chris: My mind shortly afterwards I would find. Myself in the shops, putting things in my coat. And looking around and running away. Running away from a security. Thought he was.

Chris: The police on me. And the magistrate didn't believe me. My pigeons have told me a sharp lift. He said son. I think you. Are crazy. I'm.

Chris: Sending you for psychiatric report. I said please don't send you 4, saki. Actually report you. Said sending you for psychiatric reports. I said please send me. The actual report.

Chris: Said I'm sending you for psychiatric report. And that's how I. Met psychiatrist. He didn't believe me. He either.

Chris: Said summers. No way that you. Can tell you what to do. Said you don't understand. I'll show you. And that was about the time that I looked deep in his eyes. As he started.

Chris: To speak in a matter of the. Pigeons my big, I said. And that's how I hypnotize the psychiatrist. That's how I got. In to give you the keys give. Me the keys. To the drugs trolley.

Chris: Give me the keys to his BMW. He made the case to the. Hospital or not even? His suit and I left him there. In his underwear.

Chris: Hypnotized by the pitching boys gave the psychiatrist not choice. I left the hospital dressed as him. Got in the car to draw. Out for the stadium. And I drove. Up the N.

Chris: Six as fast as I could. I'm just outside Motherwell.

Chris: There was a lovely good guitar and glasses on. With the sign same cluster. Must be on his own party. I pulled up the car and said I'll. Give you a.

Chris: You can trust me, I explained. I'm a psychiatrist. And I pointed to my dentist page that said Doctor Patel, he didn't notice. He had a good time but. He packed the car.

Chris: But what a nice laugh. But then? Just as I thought into the. Middle bit of glass bar. There was all the glass.

Chris: Staring the out with a pigeon stare. As to slicy pigeons, they're the most.

Chris: And I was in. That city, they were my horses.

Mark: The set. Kill the hitchhiker.

Chris: And take his guitar. Leave his body in the stolen car. Do all these things and all. They will be able to sell.

Chris: The season in the ground ice. Nobody knows what. It's supposed to look like or sound like. You could probably get on some kind of. You call that radio or showing glass. Where you killed?

Chris: Him now, that's what the pigeon said anyway, so. I killed a hitchhiker and I took his guitar. It's easy to learn. And now I'm. On Mark sharp.

Mark: To take this carpool as well. They didn't.

Chris: Have a couple. His name was captain, not knives. And the one thing I noticed after killing him, not one single cappellin amongst his equipment. Seemed an honest lad, the kind of lad would rather buy someone a guitar than steal a cup of. You know, I'm not saying he wasn't. A cup of tea. But he's dead now anyway, and the main. Thing is, I've got it's. Ohh, hang on.

Chris: What's that in the case? Oh, it's got some tiny writing on it. It looks a bit like that. Writing on the ring in Lord of the Rings. If I pop this in the fire, I bet those letters will come true to say what's on it. I just pop it in the fire and the gentleman I've got a fire. Here I've got furnace. I get cold easily. That mold. Right. I'll pop that in the. Fire and see if. We can read the letters. While it's heating up. Yeah, it's weird that I didn't think I had a couple like that. And they're. Just found me mate.

Mark: Is there what's the words from the fire does? It spell it lankham. Eddie Izzard.

Chris: I can't really read the rest of it. OK. If you don't call that radio, call that radio, call that radio.

Mark: As you call that radio TV, we're live with Captain Hot knives, loads of comments coming in now and says superb. The real captain. What they've said they had two cat posts, says Bob Campbell, Matt McGuinness saying.

Chris: No couples.

Mark: Brilliant, missus magoosh's class and Sharon says that's what I love about her songs. Mad laughing at the words. And there was there was no pigeon emoji so. He's given us a dove open. And we've got. Anti gravity cats with cats with toaster on their backs put. A line, says Ally Grant. Do you know? I mean, I know.

Mark: That you're you're you're still fighting all health and stuff. You're just coming back, man. You've you've a long year of of long COVID and stuff, so don't feel what you've got to do. Too many songs I'm happy. Just to get a chat with you.

Chris: But have we got some more people coming on as well?

Mark: Yes, we've got lots of people coming on.

Chris: Oh, cool.

Mark: We've got loads of special guests.

Chris: It's gonna **** in a minute.

Mark: You gotta you got. We'll bring on our first guest and then that'll give you. Time to recharge your batteries.

Chris: That's a really good idea, because then I can go and. This without holding. Onto it I still.

Mark: Want to hear my name is Ethel as well. Oh yeah, I can do that later. On with the base.

Mark: In that later on, we'll bring on our. 1st guest. I believe it's if someone someone if this. Is a captain. What nights? Open Mic night, captain? Names is gonna be staying for about, but you've you've recommended. The 1st guest here. Is it?

Mark: Yeah, man, he's he's in the he's in the. Green room waiting. Tell us about him? What can we expect?

Chris: Alright, OK, I won't see me. I get emails or strangers that say go to whatever town it is and. We'll give you. A gig and I'm sorry. Now you that I just go to that town and hope it's real. I just got I went to. It's cruel really, of it when you think. About it, but I. Went to the town and it's got this. E-mail saying go out there. So I went and it was Newport. ******* hell, man. I'm from. Bradford so like there's. Not many towns where I get off the train and I. Go ******* hell. Like Newport was like ******* now. Like cabbage, I saw the magic puppy ship I was. Outside this pub. Right. And had a gig with Cosmo. The guy was coming on next while I'm outside club before the gig, normally outside of the given venue, drinking a super strong lager. Having the Victorian inhaler, the old ones, you have to light. You know. Anyway, so I'm back doing now and across the road, two women come out of this pub doorway and this guy. Like and the guy starts. Going down and wandering the women in the pub doorway. And the mate starts filming it. This is sort of at tea time. And the one that he's going down on is really heavily pregnant and then he stands up. Then he sticks the spliff and he's gobbling, likes it, and then he's ********* the pregnant woman and the mate is still filming that. And the and the pregnant woman shouting out, he's battering it. Across the road I was just like ******* hell. I thought this town is going to be interesting to play and when we were doing this gig and when it was Cosmos set the entire PS system ceased to function. But like, he just didn't give a ****. He just carried on as if it. Hadn't happened. He just didn't faze him at all. And he's got because he is an acoustic electroacoustic car, he. Just got off and went among. The cloud and sun to each fit of the crowd. So to keep them all in on the story instead of them all being freaked out with the sound going funny. So he did it. The whole rest of these gig acoustic like that, without even being fairs. And I was like, go on lad. So he's great, I I. Took lots of gigs with him in the South, Western Wales and London and so. I think he's done some not nice. Of you as well, probably. But yeah, it's the top load, Cosmo.

Mark: Let's bring him on. Let's meet Cosmo. Can you hear me? Hi, how are you guys?

Mark: It's a good man. Very nice to meet you all. It's a bit.

Mark: It's nice to meet you, mate. Welcome to you call that radio. And yeah, so, Captain, what knives? You invited him to a town. He hoped it was real and. Newport was real. I'm not sure it was. I think it was like I was virtually projecting what was in. His mind.

Chris: I'm not. Right. That's what happened. It was grossly projecting it. I've got to be honest. I'm glad that Newport was was, you know, up there with. With the Bradford ma'am, that's.

Chris: Just on another. Level. It was just like. You know, it's like fair. Any little kid you get. In some towns and you sort of go. Alright, it's all familiar alright.

Mark: Well, actually, what's the audience? What is the worst town? What is the worst town? Let us know in the comments. And what's the work?

Chris: What's the worst? I'm just saying you had a certain lively atmosphere. That certain place.

Mark: I've not been. I've lived in nuclear Bradford. You don't understand.

Mark: But I can see that in the tourism Newport Tourism Board, Newport, it's not a shy place somewhere. Yeah, it's it's good because it's like, you know, it's. Like someone from Bradford tells you that that's that's the that's that's the most sincere form of flattery, I would say.

Chris: And what only two or three things in Bradford, which is basically serial killers. What I tell? You what? Despite my. Action despite my accident, I was born. In Glasgow, so I know about this. ****, trust me.

Mark: Whereabouts in Glasgow? Whereabouts in Glasgow? I don't know. I was in. It was in a hospital somewhere. I was. Only there for. About 8678 months when we moved South. So I picked up this dreadful accent.

Mark: It's a lovely accent. Someone, someone seeing right steals. How is it?

Mark: Someone saying locking leg gives you a bad name. That that.

Mark: That's obviously. Now when you see when someone says oh can like what that means is that he lived in comic because comic and all can let hate each other. Never seen a rivalry quite like it, so the only way that your bad mouth and or can leg is if you lived and come like, I think that's what I'm guessing.

Chris: I used to know that with the. Last one, you come back.

Mark: I sleep.

Chris: 80s, Early 90s and we and we. Got the bus to Newcomb back.

Mark: Yeah, I think I mean.

Chris: I think all of those where you get off the book and think if I open my mouth in the shop. You know, straight away one of. Them like this I've been.

Mark: I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, might. Be wrong because I've been, I've. I've went, I got stranded and come like before and I think you come like the same thing as come. Like maybe you can correct me, but I think he's just like real estate chat. It's like the Garbles and Glasgow people call it the new garbles. But it's just the garbles. Except some new flat. It's, you know, it's just real real estate. Chat I think I might be. New flats and nobles is it?

Mark: It's the new goggles. It's it's a, it's shiny new garbles isn't wrong with the garbles. Not there's nothing wrong with the garbles before anyway, slots, but you know, it's just like calling, you know, Dennis didn't East merchant. Yeah, it's just it's just one. It's like it's not a car. Your car's not an old banger. It's a classic. You know? It's it's, it's that kind of love to hear your stuff. I had the captain sent me one of your tunes earlier on was and I really enjoyed it, so I'm really excited to hear what. You've got for us. Cool. And the gang? Yeah. I'd love to play. I was just thinking all that well. I talked in Glasgow. I just remember that song was the. One that the school to the dentist. Royal Royal in the orange juice not. For it, you know. I don't know the words, so you'd have to do the words.

Chris: I don't know the words that well myself. God, I wish I could. Do that. Yeah, I mean.

Mark: I would I could probably do the words, but the problem is is that. There's a delay. So everything we try and do live jams, it doesn't work.

Chris: There's one little bit behind the that year.

Mark: It's way behind and also the wooden sound takes over other sound and it just nothing happens so. You can't do that. Because we just give one of your own. Tunes take it away, man. Will do. Will do. This is the one I think Chris sent you, so this is. I think the ace of spades, but for me that is the kind combined national anthem of Newport and Essex goes like this. Whatever upstairs the other day, trying on my sister's called. When a man come knocking on. The door from the electric board. When I thought about it, I mean, I wasn't thinking first. You'd only been there half an. Hour when he bought his. Way like first I said to him. Mush. **** ***. You think you are. Don't you talk to me like that? Do your *******. Car, I said. Just back off. Who do you think you are? Don't you talk to me like. That I'll do your ******* goal. So I'm standing there picking up my teeth. I land all comes around. You little ******* *******, he says. You're only ******* 40 pounds. He pins me up against the wall and he tries to ****** my gyro. I'll kick the ****** in the balls, stab him with my Firo. I said to him. **** ***. Who do you think you are? Don't you talk to me? That out. Do your ******* girl said we must back off. Who do you think you are? Money grabbing ********. I'll do your ******* go. And we want our arms next, don't we, folks? Yes, even up in. Glasgow in Bradford. Down here in the South of Wales. We will, we. The ******* roses sunshine out the door. Waving all their. Truncheons, they trying to pin me to the floor? So I ******* and they took me down the station. They questioned me. The one said Ohh just. Look at you there. Love you in the shower. See you very much. **** ***. Who do you think you are? You ******* homophobic? I'll do your ******* girl. I said I must back off. He said don't talk to me like that. So I stuck the ******* head in and said. And come that, you ****. Well, there we go. You can just imagine Worms mouth, don't you? Oh ******* hell. That's why I'm in strange ways. Doing a stretch of bird, the judge called on me to change my ways, and I. Called him a turd. I'll do my time standing on. My head you haven't got me beat. He said we'll have another ******* year and. Then get on your feet. And I said, well, he didn't like that very much, I said. I think I need to bring down the spirit of Johnny Cash and see what he has. To say. Do to stretch your bird. The judge called on me to change my way and I called him. I'll do my time. I'm standing on my head. You haven't got me beat. And in the middle of the night I did a captain. Not nice song. Which really didn't ******* impress him at all. There's something about you that's different to me. You have lunch for your dinner, dinner for your tea. So don't put your petty knife into your breath. And upper class hero is something to be. He wasn't ******* happy about that at all, too. Hey, that was ten years on my ******* I said, mate, that's ******* done me. He says he, he says you ****. You little you. Little ******* going right ******* down now, you ******* ****. And I said. **** ***. Who do you think you are? Don't you sentence me like that? Touch your *******. I said we. Must back off. Who do you think? You big fat *******. Don't do your *******. Girl, I said you. Big fat, weak. Dumb *******. Don't do your *******. I said you big, fat wake up *******. I'll do y'all ******* go. It's all green. Thank you very much. All systems go ignition.

Mark: And my machine is saying and you get Cosmo. Go on. What's the what's the if you will enjoy your tunes. I'm sure they did. What's the best way to to find your stuff and Internet?

Cosmo: Yeah, just go to cosmoguitar.com.

Mark: I'll put that I I put that up on the screen man, I'll put. That up on the screen just now. Are you? Have you got any gigs? Are you just waiting to?

Cosmo: See what happens. I've got a live stream a week Friday. I'm mainly doing live. Streams at the moment just chucking my stuff. Out that way.

Speaker

Or something.

Cosmo: Any gigs at all? Just we were talking about doing 1 Newport again actually in the pub about. But to be honest, I know about you guys, but I'm just like, I don't know what's gonna happen. I'm not. Sure. Anything's going to happen. I don't want you.

Mark: Well, I mean it's it's not an easy decision for me because nobody's really offering me. Any gigs anyway? So as a result, I'm just waiting. To see what. Happens and I put the.

Cosmo: Yeah, yeah.

Mark: Website Put the website and then I put the website in the comments as well. Guys to check out.

Cosmo: Thank you very much for that. Appreciate it. And yeah, man.

Mark: Thank you very much. I've got some comments about 8 places to stay, Cammy, who might be joining us later on. Thank you for that.

Cosmo: We appreciate it.

Mark: This is the. Worst place is Glenrothes, Fullfield, weegies roundabouts to confuse. And keep them in. In too many wooded areas, so 87% of the floor is covered in pish.

Cosmo: I got arrested in Glenrothes. There we go.

Mark: I lived in Auchinleck hated it so much. I moved to Easter house drumming. And we've got someone else said something about. Oh, yeah. Bonnie Prince Bob was saying some high versus low. Blantyre vibes. I've also been corrected by Mary W that it's. That you come like and come like at different places. So I just like to apologise. For that I don't.

Chris: What was me? You said, you comic. Well, I don't know.

Mark: Why? Why was a shithole? I get stranded in. I don't know what it is. I want to double check. That one's probably lovely. And I've been giving given a saying, you know, given it the the Swerve. We've got, oh, you've got it. Yeah. Cosmo guitar.com so amazing. I put the link in the comment for everybody and thank you very. Much Cosmo, we've got got we've got.

Speaker

Thank you.

Mark: Lots of guests lined up. Right. It's a year celebrating or commemorating a year. It's not really been a year we're celebrating, but we've done a show pretty much every night since lockdown began. Please, please stay Cosmo, cause it should be quite a good night so.

Chris: Not shake.

Mark: Feel free to stay. Can't be. What nights before we bring on a nice guest? Do you think? What about my name is Ethel.

Chris: All right. Yeah, your friend.

Speaker

I'll give it.

Chris: A go. It's time to do it. OK. Yeah, yeah.

**Guest: My name is. My name is.

Chris: I'm the old lady. I'm the real old lady. The old ladies. You stand up other old ladies. You just imitate as if you know how to cook. Roast potatoes, Joe, in the war, everything were rationed, not just food. Even it's a fashion we have to. Make our own stockings.

**Guest: That a gravy Browning, bad weather. The guys were drowning. My name is my name is. My name is. My name is. My name is. My name. My name is. My name is. My name is.

Chris: I felt a nice doctor Shipman. He looks after me. It's a lovely man. He comes down more often than my family do. It's a lovely man. He gives me injections and. They make me feel. Kind of woodsy. And then I listen to Miles Davis kind of blue. And then I sit down on sofa and I read with the world. And I think to myself, I feel quite woozy. Sign bits of paper and I don't know. Why sign bits of paper?

Cosmo: Says I'm not sure.

Chris: Why he has me signing? All these bits of paper. After the injections and he always gives us. He's a lovely. And he comes down more often when my family do. And nice doctor Shipman, he looks after me. He's been looking after all my friends as well. But everyone's been dying, dropping like flies have been so many funerals recently. It's only. Been made bearable, only been made bearable. Only bearable by the injections.

**Guest: My name is. My name is. My name is. My name is. My name is Ethel, my name is. My name is. My name is. My name is my name is my name is.

Chris: Didn't have all this violence during the war. You could leave your doors open. You can leave your doors open. You could leave your doors open. You were safe as houses. It's safe for Mr. and Mrs. Smith at #17. They were broke till they killed, slashed and burned, destroyed and maimed in horrible ways by Japanese soldiers who arrived one day in the ******* tank. Pile of rank. Killed our neighbours, killed our neighbours, they. Moved in next door. They're Emerson night. They're ever so nice to Chihuahua called Tootsie. And I give it. It's efficient. It's ever so nice. It's a nice it's a nice to have to feed. It's nice. And Doctor says I keep forgetting things, but I just look at it. For ages. And then there's a smell. Like ****. It's **** ****. It's ******.

**Guest: It's my Lord. ******* **** me. Name is my name is. My name is Ethel. My name is. My name is. My name is Ethel. My name is.

Chris: So and I'm the old lady. I'm the real old lady with the other old ladies. Let me £20.

**Mark: With you.

Chris: Don't know why my but can't hear you. Might just me. That's it. *******.

Chris: Well, that's it.

Mark: That's it. Actually, Cosmos, we'll have. I muted this both while you're playing because it stops us.

Guest: Yeah, yeah.

Mark: You know, the noise just kind of sometimes.

Chris: You've been back and what have you.

Mark: Just like well. Burping mainly for burping and coughing, coughing over someone's over, someones chewing these youngins, says Bob Campbell. Superb, says Susie. I love this says. You and getting arrested is the most entertaining thing that can happen in Glenrothes. This is Gary. And you know.

Guest: What? How we can get?

Mark: I mean, go live to the Kingdom of Fife for Kamehameha. Go on.

Chris: Can you hear me? I can. Hear you? Can you hear me alright?

Mark: I can hear. You now understand that Cammie was just slagging Glenrothes. Cosmo has been arrested and Glenrothes, so I think you have already got so much in common.

Chris: I I well, I mean I dislike for Glenrothes is good by me. That's that's fine.

Mark: What he didn't, he didn't say he didn't like the Glenrothes. You said he arrested. Maybe it was a maybe it was a maybe it was a fun arrest.

Chris: Ah, OK, right.

Mark: Maybe it was one of those laughs. It was. A good laugh.

Cosmo: I don't hold anything against Glenn Robbins for being arrested there. I've got to be honest. No problem with it at all. It was great. I was having a great time having a banging time. Oh, I I love. I love them. Great babes, just down to. Get next to the end.

Mark: This is just a. OK.

Mark: Shame you know the highs, the lows. Also Glenrothes. I'm right in saying that's where the golf place is is. The golf. Pitch the golf course.

Chris: I'm I'm even less interested in golf than I haven't gone. With this so.

Mark: Well, that about my smuggling with the story is is my mate Felix the sax cat. I don't know if you know him. He was playing a pub in Glenrothes, running at the time of, I don't know, the Golf World Cup, whatever it's called iron or the golf. But Bill Murray walks in and says, can I sing La La Bamba and then Bill Murray? Or is it sandrews? Sorry.

Chris: There's two very different places. Andrews is quite posh. Glenrothes is it's it's grey and brown.

Mark: So Bill Murray's not been to Glenrothes. You're telling me Glenn Bill Murray's not been to Glenrothes?

Chris: I'd I'd be scared for him if he had. I'd be scared for him if.

Mark: He had, well, apparently, when an after party, the story I had was he went in after party Glenrothes. And did the. Dishes and then left.

Chris: It's the first time. Dishes have ever been done it going off.

Mark: Cammy understand you're here to promote a gig that clashes directly with my gig. And Saturday. I don't know why I do this. Bring people on. My show to tell people not to watch. My show but. It happens all the ******* time these days. This is all show this Saturday. We've got an all day here with the Esperanza Big Fat Panda bomb scare playing the specials debut. Start to finish. ******* of Venus whenever Wakes, debut album. We've got Loki. Good robotic sweet rogue Susan Carpenter, Stevie Creed. Johnny cypher. Thanks to Matt Windibank for making the flyer. That's Saturday, 3:00, o'clock till late and I understand you've got a rival gig on that. You're here to promote and tell people not to. Watch my show, but watch your show.

Chris: Had you not mentioned that Mark, I would have, I would have ignored that completely and just encouraged people to watch.

Mark: I welcome the chase me. I like it back on this. I welcome the chase.

Chris: Well, yes, I've got rap.

Mark: Do it, do it, do it, do it. Do a hang first. Do you're a rap singer? You're a rap singer?

Chris: I'm wondering.

Mark: Fight Carrie Mink rap and I would like you. To yeah, go, go. Do a bit of that and then then you can promote your your rival show after that. And if you don't mind, I'm gonna make you full screen. I'm gonna make you full screen for this because I've got to do some technical stuff here in the back.

Chris: Right. OK, right. So I was go put it to a vote between you and which one I do well. Just go for Wolfie raps again, right? It goes. There's a woman on the doorstep across from a flat next to a puddle where she's dumped off her carry her bags. She's tapping on the door, but no one's answering back. I think her man polished off the whole vallium stash. I've not been listening long, but I've been dying to ask. I think she's shoplifting. From the type of the bags were far from the farm foods and bags good to conceal, can't see through it. That's what I'd used. Steel she walks with the Bob cause her nerves are shot, can't see her arms, but a bit. The strap marks cause a tracksuit top is spotted with hot rocks and she's practically falling right down to a nod. But hold on a minute or man's at the door. He's wearing the towel. There's water pouring on the floor. She's moaning that the frozen foods wasted no good. Not the biggest puddle that she came home. To know I'm too quick to judge, I know there is always something more to say. We scrape the surface with what we know and what we want to be. There's currently some cut hammer. **** out my buzzer. That's what it feels like when I'm walking from slumber already. Rubber 2. The folks up at 4:00 AM other than drunk country turning on the walk of shame. Good job. The doors are locked and change the outside door three blocks away. The cuts are stuck outside. They can ******* stay that way, be sleep deprived already. No plans are rising early. This is giving me a headache. Top of the bevy pretend I'm the one because I don't have friends. But the buzzer goes again and again. So her head so intense that it's hopeless. I have to know who's so important. I'm opening the. Door for them at 4:00. I'm sorry, could you please let me in? I work as a nurse and I forgot my purse. Almost told you **** *** anyway, but instead I said nothing. Pressed the button and went back to my bed. I'm too quick to judge. I know there is always something more to see. We scrape the surface with what we know. And what we want to be. There's a mine on the floor lying next to the. Bed and screaming. To his wife. Please let me come back in. She's blaring Elton Johnny singing along to the wrong song with some form of low budget. Wrong come. Don't let your mom go down on me. I'd never let your mom go down on me. Me and sit the man next to the bin. I'm just glad. That she's digging. Because I'm sat here happily listening to The Lion King, he tried to buzz the door again, buzzed every other door, and was ignored the same or outright told to go away. He all he he almost panned in his own window pane with a large stone that was thrown in. And I may I'm so. He's going out his way till passing strangers that they know his mates and as. They go away. To have a start at my own day. I say now my stay **** ****.

Speaker 10

I hope you get.

Chris: Home safe haha. I'm too quick to judge. I know there is always something more to see. We scrape the surface with what we know and what we want to be. And that send to that one mark that's end to that.

Guest: With that radio right and then I see the disinfectant, but not so that.

**Guest: In a minute.

Guest: That's my.

Mark: It's actually a a podcast. It's, you know, it's kind of like a radio show.

Guest: And is there a way we? Can do something like this.

**Mark: I couldn't help it.

Guest: By injection inside or or.

Speaker

It gets popped in there.

Mark: As you call that radio TV, we are live, we carry hammy. Excellent, Cammy. She's Alan Sharon says brilliant. Wait till I find. Out your address? Well, that's just. Like a compliment that's rolled in at once.

Chris: Yeah, it's Cami House studios, Fife, because nobody outside, nobody outside of Fife cares where in Fife I'm from, whatsoever. I'm just from Fife. And if I've lived further north than I'm, that means I'm a. Victor, if I don't live further north than them, that means I get to call them a cheater. Think that's what the rules are?

Mark: That's that's the. Law, if you live in Glasgow, everyone's a tractor, you know. You know, just go 15 minutes to Ayrshire and you're a cheater as well.

Chris: Just just anyone that has the audacity live for nothing you do.

Mark: Well, it's not even. It's even further north. It's just outside Glasgow and Glasgow's it's just. Girls, if you're outside Glasgow, great stuff coming, says Mary. Discontents, laughing, and Namaste, your legend says Colin. Same Bill Murray doing the dishes and. And Mary's.

Mark: Mary's corrected me. Did you mean Glen Eagles? Maybe that's what I. Did mean?

Chris: Maybe I think Bill Murray doing the dishes and Glenrothes would be a fantastic premise for a movie like I was. Definitely worth, I would definitely.

Mark: Well, partly Bill Murray, you can partly bill Murray's not an agent anymore. You actually can. Just phone up Bill. You go you phone Bill Murray's got a a hotline. You just pitch him an idea and he'll there. So we're gonna try and get him on the show, man. I said at the start that I wanted. To get let me on the show. Bill Murray on the show and sleep Clifford in the show we got Sleaford mods on the show another week which was great. So hopefully Bill Murray and Limmy are next Robson Max saying happy. And there was something else. Oh, yeah. Alan Murray. No, no. Alan Murray. Say Alan Morrison. He was saying something about. He wants you to, mainly for burping and says Mr. Magoo has anyone got a cloth, says Tone Willshaw. And the. There's a few comments. Coming but I think. Captain, I think Alan was hoping that you were gonna. Play something on the. What was it? On the banjo, it was the banjo. I thought I said Bojo, but that doesn't make sense. So yeah, Cammy, this is a good time to promote your rival gig. That will be on at the same time. As as our. Gig. Well, it's it's.

Chris: Nowhere near as important as yours, Mark. Because I'm. I'm. I've got a rap battle against a guy. He's he's he's. Not he doesn't appear to actually be a rapper. As far as I can discern, it seems it seems that the the things that he does are shown. And play music for children and be bold, right? And if there's anybody here that's that is like hair challenged or I don't know what the politically correct.

Mark: Term for politically challenged, I think is the term.

Chris: You're looking for for follicle challenged was I? I said that earlier, but I wasn't quite sure if it was in the video, mate.

Mark: I don't have a. Skill PC to say that either I don't know. I've not been keeping up to date on Twitter.

Chris: Well, whatever the case, whatever the case case, if there's anyone listening upset by that, he's. He's a bad kind of bald, right? So the bad kind of ball that we need to, we need to fix to make the world better. So I'm starting out. I'm starting to whip around from if anybody's got any hair that they don't need, then send it to call me House Studio 5, right? I've I've taken it a tiny little bit of my eyebrow and a couple of hairs out my nose and I got my axe. For shave earlier. And I've slashed up my face and. That by accident. I didn't mean to do that, but obviously I'm I'm better than I'm on a genetic level. And so I don't want to give him too much of my my DNA or genetic material in case he does anything untoward with that, because there's, I mean, there's already one in me, and that's too many. But yes, I'll be I'll. I'll mostly be calling involved and trying to fix his he's bought this problem on Saturday because I can't think of anything else to say because he's not actually a rapper, so.

Mark: His name is Clan boss Kamehameha. Iron bars from a secret location on Saturday and check that out.

Chris: That's right.

Mark: Or or you could watch this one, which will be clashing with it so you know you just decide guys just I wish you all the best.

Chris: I'm upset that I'm upset, that I don't get to see your gig. Mark cause that looks ******* incredible.

Speaker

Well, could you?

Mark: Watch on your phone. It'll be it'll be free on YouTube. So just you just do it.

Chris: I might. I might do well I like try.

Mark: Join your battle. You could just tune into it. Join the battle. I would be the ultimate disrespect when bosses rapping, you're just watching. You call that radio.

Chris: Yeah, yeah, that, that I wish you'd. I wish you'd be that, that, you know, fair.

Mark: Charlie, like, what's that bug?

Chris: That's too good. I give it to you right away.

Mark: OK. Carrie, how's him? What's the no one? No one watches a show anyway. So you're fine. What was it? What's the? Your band camp, just to be pumped to your band camp as well.

Chris: The King, the king kamehameha.bandcamp.com. There's a couple of things on there that are packages of things, SoundCloud. Swear the most like stuff goes out most, and Spotify is where most like people will check it.

Mark: You're a big. You're a big dealing SoundCloud.

Chris: Well, I mean, I've.

Guest: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mark: But yeah, it's it's. It's undisputable. The numbers are getting soundclouds ridiculous. So we'll try to get them over to Spotify.

Chris: Aye, aye.

Mark: So check it or just or just download the stuff and pay what you like. There's some great music out there from King Kamehameha and.

Guest: I think we'll go.

Mark: I think we're gonna be doing. I might. I might. We might be doing something from this room. Live in a minute as well, but I think it's time for Captain hot knives to take it away. Alright, I'm going to.

Mark: It's your name. It's captain. What names, Nate.

Chris: I I don't know what to do. I'll set off on a journey with you.

Mark: What else in the air?

Chris: I knew, she said. To me, Mr. have you been taking ecstasy?

Speaker

How does she know?

Chris: Me. Me. You've been down since you've been dancing to songs. I was dancing to songs. Waiting for the beat to drop. I was dancing to songs waiting for the song. Our Student center songs. They never dropped. How she saw through. My carefully planned. As you see. I'm inserting sensor. Have you been sniffing slow Vince again? Why do you say that? Just think of that, you chicken, little slats. You're cooking chicken, chicken, little slots. In 1983.

Speaker 10

I fail to see.

Chris: Why? Why was that?

Chris: Or ******* X to me. We used to do. The patrol also the tip. Free dinner tickets sold them to the posh kids. She said to me, have you been taken?

Speaker 10

Please how did she?

Chris: Know that about me? She said you've been awake since 1983, been awake since 1984. That's why you should never ever try. There you go. That was a bunju 1.

**Mark: You called that way.

Mark: You call that radio makes coherent sense. Collect it saying wow, babes, how we love the claw hammer, banjo quality, sugar, love, baby doll. Hello, Colette. Glad to see you here tonight on. A year of lockdown brilliant, says Sharon round of applause from Paul Matt McGuinness saying tippex and dinner tickets. Brilliant Tuesday nights, says Lou. This was just laughing. Bonnie Prince Bob of Discontents and what a talent. This is excellent tonight, says Alan. Everyone's tuned in. It's a busy one tonight and really appreciate that coming before you go well, you don't need to go. But I was like, so I'm making an album called. At this point the Jackal trades, and this is my artwork. I've got so far.

Chris: Right.

Mark: At this point. And you know you are here and. I thought like. A planet eating its. Words they show. You know what I mean when I say that they aren't. Showing up for she got time to Commissioner.

Chris: I'm sure Shawna would be up for some on a site, though that looked very much like a Zen join the dots puzzle there as well.

Mark: Maybe that's something then, that maybe.

Chris: The single. Not you may have also noticed Mr. Hot Knives showing us **** joining in on the chorus of that song for a minute. There it. Was quite nice.

Mark: We've got, we've got, we've got a. Lot of the special guest still to join us and I think I'm just gonna play a song from one of our next special guests just to give us carry carry the wee break just. Go on.

Mark: To get well, first of all I need to push. Second of all. I've got a technical. Thing that I'm trying to do here since it's a year anniversary, want to do something special, so I need to. Get off the screen for a minute. Yeah, and this is the the incredible. Gary the Ballocks, who I. Believe is about to join us in every minute. And this is Gary. Everyone who's been following you call that radio from the very beginning. I locked in, will know that Gary. He predicted it. He called it. And he's been on the show a few times. So I believe that he is waiting. In the wings. To come on and for anybody doesn't know Gary the ********. This is just a a. Little introduction to the guys. Called Gary, I mean, there's one. Thing you need to know about. Gary, he's called Gary, right? And and I don't care. Anyone out there who says he's not called Gary is a ******* liar. This is Gary the ******** with Gary.

Speaker 10

I'm going to call Gary end of the line where? The world, Gary. That's because that's my name. I'm Gary. Nothing fancy playing old Gary, Gary. Gary calling me Gary. That's because that's my name. I'm Gary. Nothing fancy playing old Gary Gary. I'm not Chad back, Chad back. Gary wrote that rap that, that, that Gary. I'm not that Gary wrote that track. That crap track, Gary. Everyone clap, clap to Gary. Dance around your party. Gary, get all your parts to Gary. Everyone go to Gary. Get out your seat. Got it. Very weird indeed. It got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Because that's my name, ma'am. Nothing fancy playing. Oh, Gary. Gary, Gary. ******* damn it. ******* Gary. What the **** you doing? Gary, listen to what you're saying, Gary. The ******* playing it, Gary. You should be. Gary, Gary. Gary, Gary. My name's Gary. I'm not pain in the **** guy, Gary. I'm that guy. That guy, that guy. I'm not. Fly that fly guy Gary. I'm too shy, too shy guy Gary. I'm too high, too. Hi, Gary. Gary, don't try to buy this, Gary. Lots of people side by, Gary. Then this ******* night. Gary, Gary. Got it, got it, got it. Got it, got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it.

Mark: All systems go.

Chris: You call that.

Speaker

Radio. Radio. TV shows, TV show, TV show. Streaming live streaming live.

Mark: Youcallthat.com, baby, we've got a website now. It wouldn't be possible without ever been supporting the patrons. So thank you all. The patrons, I have no idea what we've done a year ago today, all my work had disappeared. Festival season was cancelled. European Tour cancelled. Everything was ******. And thank you to the patrons for actually I wouldn't survived it without you. So thank you. And if you do want support, if you enjoyed any issues over the last year, then feel free, you can support it for for like from $3 a month I. Think it? Is and. All the money goes back in. At the shore, as you can see, we've. We've got a green screen now. We're professionals now. We're live. We're captain. And we've got some comments coming in. In fact, let's just get him on. I think he's here. We just want. It's Gary for Gary. The bullets. Would you make of that, captain?

Chris: What's his name again?

Mark: Gary the ********. Let's get Gary the bowling slide. Gary, how you doing, mate? Not bad. Not bad. Yet how are?

Mark: I'm very well, mate. I'm very well. I'm excited to show Captain what names Gary the Gary Song for the first time, and I think he enjoyed it. Wait for.

Mark: Cosmo. Cosmo do. You enjoy. Do you? Do you believe that? He's called Gary. I mean, that sounds like something that sounds like something someone. Not called Gary might make.

Cosmo: I recognise Stephanie, the Ring of truth there.

Mark: I think it's a real deal. I'm only joking. I believe he's the real deal. As well, I believe he is Gary. This is good job, emerald Palombia Gary says Sharon. And this is magic smashing. It says discontent come these after fresh, Bonny boy would be. Would you be so sweet? I'll blow a kiss. A wee, eccentric, eccentric quality. Egypt love baby doll. Looks like you've pulled Gary. I'm Colette. The garage song is brilliant, says. Extra post the link Mark I will post the link in the comments. A little second, Gary, how you doing, mate? Because obviously one of the reasons that I was I was so I'm so excited that you've you've joined us tonight is because you were right at the start of COVID you. Were there at the start and you? Were right, you were proved. You were proved right when you. Yeah. Yeah, like. That first video that, well, I don't know, was it the radio or something? I listened to that back once once. Awhile ago and I. Was like keep 2 meters away keep 2. Meters I don't. Even know where I got that from, man?

**Guest: You know I. Mean you didn't even have the two meals, it only just started mentioning keeping away at that at 1 meter. You know what, I. Mean but. I don't know what that bag and freak me out but but yeah. Yeah, dealing with my health, very good. But yeah, same thing I sitting. I was watching a lot of it then like. I told the. Story before you know, I went in there. Sure, sure. It was.

Mark: Yeah, well, we don't. We don't go. Into all the details, the people that know know what happened and it's good to see you, man. You seem like you're well. I'm glad to see that, mate. Have you. And then, you know, you've been the show a couple of times since, and you were doing some amazing poetry. So I'm assuming you've got a wee poem for us. He says he says he do a home. So far I've got a lot of home along with the other poems I was writing. I've not really wrote much sense, but it's a bit of a longer manufactory.

Mark: Go for it. Sure, take the stage. Gary, do your thing. Like it's called, it's called the washing machine. The baths getting warm. Now, as opposed to hot like it was, I read. A book written. By a Norwegian bloke in 1870. And he lived. In 90 odds. Ohh, how nice it felt to have. No strain on my coccyx. And read this wonderful masterpiece I throw. The book out. The bathroom door followed by my reading glasses and dumped my head under again as I was lying under the water. Reading I put the shampoo I put on the shampoo at the same time I was getting an attack of positive thoughts. I'm going to go down this week, Kathy, and I'm going to bake bread tomorrow. I'm gonna make something else maybe. No, I'm gonna bake bread today. I'm gonna make something else. Maybe I'm gonna set the stage for me to go down tomorrow. More then when I bake the bread, I'm gonna take it to the shop with the cafe owner Cathy sell, and I should tell her. Of this idea. I'm having a small restaurant or cafe just me cooking and someone serving and starts. I'll start setting it up on Wednesday, then cooking Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, the same menu. I think. As I finish rinsing my hair. Do a roasting Sunday. Throw that out there. Who doesn't have a row? I soap up my balls in my *** ****, then soap up my pits and my thoughts are racing so fast. I've just said I've. Already decided that they will need a car. I'm going for a Michelin star. I need to get. A car is borage, but I won't. I won't just be. The forage anymore. I'll cook everything, all the foods I've ever loved, in any style I want. I set. Menu of course. I clean my penis, end forgetting to do my feet, belly and back. And pluck this the soggy fluff that's still. Steadfast and my belly button out. Taste of our girl kitchen. That's the name and a good one. The washing process is taking only a few minutes. Another do wash my feet. Legs are back. Pulling the plug I feel relaxed but hyper. I feel satisfied and comfortable. I'm gonna get up, and I'm gonna go to the car, be straight away. Then I realize the thoughts, the energy. Were not driven by myself, only there was. Another entity. That had taken hold of me, dragging me down. Onto the water in. A rush help. Figure out all this outstanding stuff. Like techno music in a. Club or driving? Home to at Christmas. To that song, know what it was? It was the washing machine. It was finishing the cycle. I've been getting off the noise and I dare say the gentle vibrations of the washing machine. Not noticing it carrying me through the minutes as it stopped and realized I've been doing the rhythm the rhythm like. That of Mozart or Bach. Then I got up and wrote a poem about it, wasting 25 minutes of baking time and another five there, reading it back. The end to that.

Cosmo: I got that.

Chris: 121212 yo, this is Charlie Tower from Durastic 5 live and direct here in Glasgow, Scotland and you call that radio.

Guest: We are here to tell people that we hear you. We see the.

Mark: As you call that radio, we're live. I'm in space where Mickey Nines T-shirt and we've got we've got Captain SEER Cosmos here. Gary, the ******** is here. Comments coming in cracking bone. Gary says Alan. Tone says I bought some. I bought some coconut shampoo the other day. Don't know why I haven't got any coconuts and. We've got speed. Dinosaurs just drawing captain Hot Nights playing banjo on that last tune pick on John Davidson, 82, Instagram. Enjoy the show. Good work. Well, let me just see if. I can find that you just wrote it that quickly. I'm interested. I'm just. Gonna look up John Davidson, 82. See if we can. Find it. And Gary Brown, stuff mate in. So sorry if it's a wee bit obscure that that's a two-story. Man and and I did go down. The week Kathy and it, really. Got me perked up. You know what I mean.

Mark: There's nothing too obscure, obscure in this show, man. It's say it's great to see you here, mate, but with regards to there's a there's a couple folks asking for the links of the I've put the link of the YouTube Gary Strong in the in the comments is is band Camp's probably the best way to support your students. So if anyone wants to. Hear some more. Stuff, or maybe, God forbid, buy music. If if you wanna listen to anything but just go and listen to the song I've done. The Empress called. Life goes on. That's the only thing I'm proud of, man. At the moment. You know what I mean, or Gary. The Gary Song is supposed to listen to that. But but everything else spin it you. Know what I mean? Just. And the end pistol light. Goes on. It's got it's on a. The band camp lamp. You know what I mean? And there's more songs to. Come with that. Like that sort of thing, I think but.

**Guest: For the Gary.

Speaker 10

Ohh wait.

Mark: Gary songs are *******, mate. It's one of the greatest students of all time. And also if you. Know they they sleep with more. Songs about like it, the set and latest one man.

Mark: I definitely think they ripped you off, man. Not Jeff.

Mark: Yes, it's nudge it. It's it's close, man. It's close. I'm not saying Sleaford mods ripped you off because I realised it's stiffer mods on the show last week, so why? I'm not saying that. You know, yeah. I was I. Was that I was like 10 comments, man. I wrote a comment, delete a comment. Delete that. Why did they see all these things? But I I kept doing it, man.

Mark: Maybe you just gonna accuse him on my show. You just. Gonna accuse him right up.

Speaker

Man, I like that. You gonna mention? Stole my choice. The guy. So I loved it, but when I saw that when I saw that first song with Billy in my mind and I sent it to everybody. Showed it to. Everybody my brilliant. I was already running before of it, so the the the. Car racing one I loved as well.

Mark: Look at. I just what? I've just got this on the screen just now. Check this out. I'm sorry. I've been. Having a. I've muted you, captain. Captain, are you paying attention? I just want to show you a.

Guest: Bit a picture.

Mark: I can't believe that he just did this. So this is a a picture that John Davison. Was just drawn of of you a few minutes. Ago, can you still see that? **** he just did.

Chris: ******* hell. It there, that's all.

Mark: Jesus, be the first one away. I'll be the first one. I like that. I'm sure I'm not the last. John Davison, 82. If you want to check that out. Well done, mate. That's absolutely amazing. It's on you. Call that radio 23rd of March. 2021. When you're locked down, mate, that is incredible that. Deserves it. Deserves a round of applause. But nothing about it. No doubt about it deserves a round of applause.

**Mark: Quarantine stream video, video, video.

Speaker

Strange food about.

Mark: As you call that radio TV we've been doing. This for a year. And we are.

Mark: Cosmos enjoying the the the Jingle, enjoying the jingles she's told people have helped make the jingles as well.

Cosmo: How was that?

Mark: He's guys either. I believe we've got, we've got lots of, we've got lots of open makers lining up. But captain, it looks like you're ready. You're poised to play something, so maybe we'll get a song for you. And then we'll bring on our next guest.

Chris: Oh, cool. And then right. So then I just do another.

Mark: Well, we'd love that, alright.

Chris: I like drinking lots of whiskey, like drinking lots of. The size and the shape.

Speaker 10

Right.

Speaker

OK.

Chris: One day you might just.

Speaker

Yes, OK.

Guest: Right.

Mark: Yes, captain. What knives in the house. Love it. I love it. Can be I I don't like the the fact you looked a little bit awkward. As if your you know your face is on the screen and you're not that Captain, what knives is the only person apart from Bonnie Prince Bob of discontent? But I've actually. Get my camera on while the other person plays. But I get it. Chris, you don't wanna be. You don't wanna be playing to nobody, do you?

Chris: It's weird going to a computer if I can see your head blowing in space and everything.

Mark: Nothing more soothing than Mark's head floating in space.

Chris: Remember last year when we did the 1st? Ever one of these.

Mark: Of course I remember. Right.

**Guest: Well, do you remember what I had to eat?

Mark: Yes, I remember we had tea.

**Guest: I've thought again, Mark.

Mark: You've done it again. Ladies and gentlemen, get your mushroom emojis in the comments. We've got Hello Cosmos says Sharon. Yes, Captain says Ian Simpsons love the banjo, playing top classes, Allen. Mint that captain says Tone Willshaw Sharon loves the Amelia Baylor Jingle. So there's Lou. Gary, will you sit up, please? ******* hell, Shams, get skills. Alan's Alan's having a wee laughed to himself. Top class Captain says Mark Allen's got the mushroom emojis. We'll hopefully see more of those in a little minute, but I think they're doing. Another guest and. It is Susie Briggs. How you doing?

Speaker

Hi there.

Mark: OK, there's a little bit of. How are you say happy birthday?

Mark: Ohh, thank you. It's it's happy birthday. You called it radio. Happy birthday. Locked down. I'm just gonna mute the rest of these guys because there's a little bit. Of an echo. Coming from somewhere? Susie, have you been enjoying the show? So far, what? How's?

Speaker 11

The captain. Ohh, I've loved it. That's the first time I've heard. Some of you is it's it's, it's. Been great, I've been enjoyed myself.

Mark: Good stuff, Susie. We've got. What have you got for tonight, Susie? I know that you. You you know you're a story teller. A novelist.

Speaker 11

No, not quite a novelist, no.

Mark: Well, you read books. Is that not? Is that not count? I feel.

Speaker 11

I can pick your books, so it's not quite.

Chris: Right now.

Mark: A novel, OK, but what have you got? For us tonight I've got.

Speaker 11

I've got because. Everybody's like for me, you, you call that radio. Is it's wonderful. It's about friendship. More than anything else, so I. Thought I'd read you a. Poem about friends. And this is actually true story, and it's based on my experience in making my very first friend so. Briskin did speeders and big hairy spelts a clamored onto the gate to have a look at the wee lassie that was greeting him in the hedge. Even like mukle onions. Hair, a gorgeous explosion. Reed curls. Bottom lip tripping her. I held out my hand.

**Mark: She named me Lassie.

Speaker 11

She slipped.

Guest: And, says Hillary. What's the matter, Lassie?

Speaker 11

She heaved a sigh.

**Mark: Of listening, baby.

Speaker 11

Risking indeed speeders and big hairy spells. We held hands through the garden. I'll be your friend, I said. And I meant.

Mark: An error occurred while my green screens. Look, look.

Mark: Broke. This is the. Ohh no ruin, that can ruin that. Do you know what? Because we, because we ruined that. I'm worried about doing any more technical things at this side of things. But we've got to be surprise. For you, because I know they've got some amazing people in. The green room waiting to come. We're gonna do a wee extra surprise for everyone. So say, that was magnificent. How can people support what you do? What's the best way to support what you do? I know. You've got a podcast and. Stuff like that. Feel free to do an advert.

Speaker 11

Ohh OK, you can go to my book website which is www.nipnebs.com. The book is called Nip nebs because he nips your nebbs about Jack Frost in Scotland. Bridge and on there you'll. Find the podcast Ooowee podcast, which I do with Alan McClure. He's a novelist and Alan and I Co host this show and it's storytelling and songs for rains and everything you hear on its original or an adaptation of a classic story. And you'll find that on most podcast platforms like Spotify and iTunes and all, all that malarkey and you can support us by buying us a coffee. On one of those platforms, they buy us a coffee platform, but more, more than anything, just go and log in. TuneIn, listen. With Waynes or without Waynes, it's a nice relaxing experience, I've been told.

Mark: Amazing stuff comments coming in. Great poem, Susie says. Petra.

**Mark: Thank you.

Mark: Great stuff, Susie.

Speaker 11

Thank you very much.

Mark: Have to go. Always discontent. That was lovely, Susan. You call that, ladies?

Guest: Thank you.

Mark: In the log down saver the captain's a. Good player, know any? Of course me. Captain's a fantastic. Player could couldn't agree more. You call, others became a community and that's all that you guys. I do appreciate that and couldn't agree more, says Ally. And lots of comments coming. It's hard. To keep up. So good to see, Captain. Nice big love man. Much love for Captain. What nice. I'm absolutely ecstatic. He's joined us again tonight. A year ago. Since the last time. I've just realised it's live. It's always live. We don't edit this if you don't notice. Books are great, since Joe McCarthy's already splashed out on the Nip Knibbs books.

Speaker 11

Ah, thank you. I think he won them, he. Won them actually.

Mark: He wasn't even that.

Speaker 11

Yeah, I think we're gonna get the feeling best.

Mark: I was thinking about.

Speaker 11

Of cat night, the Christmas one.

Speaker

Is that?

Mark: Lewis says. I was thinking that either we part of a cult. Yes, you are part of a cult. Love that, Susie says. Alan Gray, the polar bear. Hope you're well. Good to see you soon. Done as well. Got lots more to happen right now, but what we need to do is, because we're gonna do something special. Live from. You call that radio headquarters. So I'm. Going to a play. A little bit of a tune. To to take us into the next. Back and then I. Think I'm gonna go? Would you actually play? I just a short has only got a short a short thing. That would be good just. Just to till I do. This next bit. In fact, Captain, do you want to do it? You're muted. You're muted. Sorry I muted you. Captain Joe, I do a thing while while I get ready.

Chris: Does it have to just be short?

Mark: It doesn't have to be short, captain. You can play all night long. It's all good. In fact, the longer the better is.

Guest: Right.

Mark: I've got to. Do a thing that's. Not made me leaving. I'm not leaving. I'm leaving because I have to. Go and do a hang in another room.

Chris: I can do the song if you want, yeah.

Guest: I would love that, OK.

Chris: I think it's time we talk this over. David Amber has taken things too far. Each travels around the world looking at different species, but he always films them having sex. Why does he always feel them having sex? He's there in the jungle, up to the tortoises, giving them ecstasy, putting Barry right on in the background, waiting for them to get it on. Then he gets the camera crew out of the. Car. You know why? Stating that it was an animal. For you, he's a petrol sexual. If there's an army wire, these are petrosea dual. That he's a sexual. Yeah, he's telling us to stay planet. Sorry, he's got a friend called Janet. She's an antelope with nice legs. He gets behind her with his hands down his cakes. He describes her breeding habits, his mates are filming rabbits, animal **** on the BBC on Sunday. On the BBC. He's a Petro sexual, he tells us species don't risk. That's just because he needs his risk, thanks to watch every species for everything from schools to slugs. As soon as you start. Getting all there. Is there with the ******* camera broom. Bosses in BBC. He's a petrasek dual, David Boyer. He's a petrosexual.

Mark: Incredible stuff. They are from captain hot. Knives as always. But now I believe we can go live to Joe Dark. This is a very busy week. You might notice the twist its you've been off from the gyro babies and most recently Minerva wakes. Tell us about never wakes.

Guest: Yes, it will. Never weeks as my new project, it just launched at the weekend. Excision album of can you chip pop electronic experimental songs. There's a book can you or pamphlet chat book or short story and poetry and there's also a kind of abstract art project that goes alongside. Because they're the way. We never win. Remember the name.

Guest: So you can get that. One in another race or have a listen on Spotify or. Yeah, that's that's what.

Mark: We thought we'd do and we saw it's a thank you to everyone support we you call that reading this year we said. We would make it. We did make it. So we're gonna play a song called Equinox, right?

**Guest: Now, yeah.

Mark: From beginning.

Chris: Normally is a portable daughter rather than.

Chris: She's more flat.

Chris: We shall see why we shall see.

Chris: Let's start. I want to I'm going.

Chris: Top three favorite song. Have been something. This is yet to come when they will pass.

Chris: Come out.

Guest: Thank you very much. That was.

Mark: That was excellent. Excellent stuff, really enjoyed that, Joe. That's a great song that you've written there, Captain. What nice. Cosmo get.

**Mark: You seem quite quiet.

Mark: I'm back. I think that's everyone. Yeah, Gary. Garry's well.

**Guest: Where's carrycot? Is that?

Mark: Gary seems well, why he posed for. A great photo. Come back. Yeah. Go to. Yeah.

Mark: One check out. Minerva wakes his new album, check out the Twist there, check out the gyro babies. As well, they're. Not bad. We've got lots of comments coming in. David Attenborough stole all the bees. You're right. I think he's a petrosea dual Susie. Saying love equinox. Yeah, he says, Lou, you paid are so cute. Pure greeting here, says alley party time equinox. Yeah, I'm dancing or we shall see what we shall see. Looks like me, the equinox. Singing along here, it's a great song built out. Thank you, Mark and Joe. Thank you, everyone who's been supporting the show it we're not over. Yeah, we're not over yet not. By a long shot. I believe we have in the wings, it's. Is Donna camp. Donna Campbell, can you hear me?

Chris: I can't. Hi, mark.

Mark: Donna, it's great to see you. I hope you enjoying the show so far.

Chris: I'm having a great time here. Yeah, fantastic.

Mark: Well, Donna, Donna, message me earlier on today asking if if she could come on and promote her book. And obviously the the shows are booked up. Till mid-april. But I just thought this is the perfect opportunity for you to give us a wee poem. So, Donna, I'm very grateful that you've joined us today. Please take.

Chris: Well, we. Mark, thank you for inviting me along tonight to do a poem. My name's Donna Campbell. I'm an ex addict. I've been in recovery now for 11 years and this poem that I'm gonna do tonight, a row after coming down after about 3 days and nights of the pure debauchery. And it's called ain't no stopping. This is a land of the heavy sail and sweaty groins. The land Jim Barry, perhaps too, in a corner for strength. That caricature of adolescence, you know, the one Peter Pan, that guy who never quite got beyond the rank, a good rank, mind you. But I want just the same. This is also the land of techno. This and hip hop vampires, feeding tabloid and morsels of faith. But everywhere else she's Anna racked up miss bought the first train. Electric steam. No go. Who cares? Cause this land couldn't really. Give a toss. Shifting its borders now it let harbours refugees from all walks, maternal. Life pure cannot wear large belts, but they've bleed 8 zones into the deadly daylights, as mountains consist of never again. I say never again. Darcy smells a recognition out there. Come on. Would you do it there and the lights go up and the sounds go down. You hear me? Your tail between your legs. Do you think life's too short a party or something? I'm talking after club parties here, man. AF TER CLU B not the place for the legends. They spelled beard down their turn and run to the way to wipe up the peak Namby Pamby terror. I'm talking fun and sheer desperation rolled into one that will create a bloody monster out you, especially if you've got one of those old 90 fives, especially if you ain't got any of those cheeky wee or eyes or ally thighs, cause this is the land of psychosis in the making. Fake and fun, and at the end of the day, at the end of the day by ****, it's got a terrible price to pay and back then. Back then, little did we know that the party would end. Little did we know that the party would end the ugly drugs would flood the clubs. That friends would come down using heroin. We were glorious. We were works of ******* art Whiting our feet and start of a new Millennium. Our badging and wings exploding, and a myriad of fluorescent. Our is our mother, our mother, spinning silently on a predetermined axis, knew what we would eventually come to ignore when the lights, when the lights went up in the dance floor. Thank you very much. Thank you.

Mark: Stuff Donna Cosmos clapping, Susie clapping. I think Garry's clapping. I think Tammy's clapping, clapping. The captain is clapping. Amazing stuff. Done it. Tell us how we can buy your book. We want to buy. Your book how do we do that?

Chris: Right. It's called Monroe. And if you go to seahorsepublications.com and you can order it from the. And there'll be a launch happening online and hopefully when we all get back to normal, we can go out and about and the clubs will be a launch then so see what's publications.com and it's.

Mark: Thank you so much for joining us.

Chris: Thank you.

Mark: Next up. Now for something completely different. I think we go live. Sorry, I know it was someone else, but we've had to change the the rules because I believe this person has a curfew. So this person is going.

Speaker 11

Hey, how ya?

Mark: Roberta Pia was the second ever guest on you call that radio, captain. What times was the first ever guest? And Roberta Pier was the second ever guest. You doing Roberta?

Speaker 10

Yeah, good man. How are you?

Mark: Very well, very well we're having.

Speaker 10

Happy, happy birthday anniversary.

Mark: Yes, was it. But if you was weird to celebrate a year when it's been such a Shiite year. But end of. The day it's, it's still worth celebrating. Look how many people are on are on this screen and a winner. We don't have a good photo cause that's nine. We don't have a good photo. See, This is why I always look raging cause I've gotta press a button at the same time. I look terrible. That's cool. That's the main. Thing, Roberta, I know you've got a strict curfew, so just take. It away.

Speaker 10

Have you got any requests or?

Mark: Well, well, I love. I love them all. I love Whirlpool. I love jukebox. I love them.

Speaker 10

OK. Well you. Know well I've I've set up my my disco like especially cause I've just come from another gig. So I'll do jukebox with disco like.

Mark: Let's go. Hey. This is the better PR. That you might know from the banana sessions, one of my favorite live acts of all time. Take it away.

Speaker 11

Back in the day. The Beatles.

Speaker 10

Which are positive for.

Speaker 11

Right.

Speaker 10

One more time, one more time, one more time. One more time, one more. One more child, one more child.

Speaker 11

One more time.

Speaker 13

Roberto Pierre. We've got rounds of applause everywhere. Rounds of applause, rounds of applause, rounds of applause, Applause, Applause, Applause, Applause.

Guest: Thank you.

Mark: You did say one more tune your phone. Do you have time for? One more tune. Yeah, I could do that.

Mark: One more thing, you're better.

Speaker 14

People love it.

Mark: People are loving it, Susie saying, love jukebox and get the captain to say fuzzy wuzzy. OK.

Mark: Captain, can you see? Fuzzy wuzzy quickly. Fuzzy, was he?

**Guest: For the weather.

Mark: Post from Petra fantastic. Roberta says Alan and also Donna.

Guest: Thank you.

Mark: Losing nice comments for your Donna. Your poem was epic. Loved it and. A powerful, said Alan. Everyone is clapping, says Sharon. Lots of love from Nick's amazing Donna, says Lou. Brilliant poetry, Donna says Alan and Bob Campbell says about Chris. Your last song brought back memories of your song, Steve Dangerous that needs reviving. Also someone keeps on asking about the nuns. Young Chris, so. You maybe you. Can think about the nun. Do you know the? New song he's talking about?

Chris: No this.

**Guest: And I know I know the song, but like it's what do it.

Mark: Yeah, don't worry about it, Chris.

**Guest: It's just like it's a bit. I'll probably get.

Mark: Nuns Captain says don't worry about it. Don't worry about it, Chris. Anyway, we've got time to think about the next move. We've also got someone that's in the that's been waiting for half an hour and the green room to come on as well. So we'll do the better, then we'll do a special mystery gift, and then we'll.

**Guest: Come on.

Mark: Get a song from Captain, the better. Take it.

Speaker 10

I'm just gonna play. Your other favors.

Mark: Or or or. If, when, if, when all you have the other.

Speaker 11

Thanks sparks.

Speaker 10

From the tip.

Speaker 11

Of my sun I have never. Felt so old, so young. She said with a smile upon her. The happiest lovely things. From me. Please help me. I think me strong. Sparkle and swing me like. I have been here all along. Between the. It's been. Where have you been hiding it? From the tip of my tongue, I have never felt so, so young.

Speaker 14

All systems gold.

Speaker 15

You call that.

Guest: Almost every night, every night, every night.

Speaker 15

It's gonna be streaming live streaming like streaming like. You saw that?

Guest: TV shows, TV show TV shows. Almost every night, every night, every night.

Speaker 15

Streaming live streaming, live streaming live.

Mark: Incredible stuff would not appear. Give up, Roberta.

Speaker 10

Thank you.

Mark: I understand the the that the banana sessions.bandcamp.com is the best place for people to hear the recorded versions of those songs.

Speaker 10

Yes, correct. Can I also just say a big thank you to you mark, for keeping everybody sane.

Mark: Thank you for keeping me sane. What am I? Got what am I gonna do with this honestly? Thank you to. Everybody who's all the guests and all the patrons and everybody just tunes in for the crack. Thank you. The better I know you have a strict curfew. Go and check out the banana sessions.bandcamp.com and support Roberta. That was a brilliant set. Thank you. You're free to go.

Speaker 10

For having me, thank you for having.

Mark: Thanks for the bill.

Speaker 10

It's lovely to see everybody.

Mark: Great to see you in the better. Bye bye.

Mark: Hopefully see you in the real world. Soon enough. Bye. Roberta is off. Incredible stuff for the better peer love the banana sessions, check out bananasessions.bandcamp.com. We've now got a special mystery guest. Who could it be? You know, we've not actually used the Royal Rumble. Down. Down yet? And I feel. Like this is definitely a Royal Rumble type. It's Matt Richardson. Hello live for the People's Republic of Dundee. How you doing, pal?

Chris: Good mate. Good there, good to. See, you. Could you hear me alright?

Mark: I can hear you. Great man. Take it away. Just take it away, man. Take it away. I want.

Chris: To hear some.

Chris: This poem is called. Originally it was called New Year. New me. Now then you changed it to New Year. Same me. It was not in 2019, before all this mental shift kicked off. So I'm just going to 2019 is gonna be my year. It can just feel I'm gonna crack it. Crack ******* what exactly? The only thing that's gonna crack. Has met fragile funked up mind as. Austere. Blunt. Like. Her best I've met torture funked up so. No searching for answers as I find myself and another black hole unachieved goals we be seeding our own ******* incompetence. Man, if I'd be on a roll. It didn't mean like. A role role. I'd just mean A roll. You staring at the ceiling. What I'm feeling. That's no really bad, but it's no really good. It's like a black. It's covered in *******. Covered and smothered. Mid left us feel misunderstood and a world full of achievers always been a strong believer that you make your own world spin. Social media paints a very nice picture, hiding funked up thoughts within. Combined with a worldly grin got people filled with their roots. Set in, I could feel it edging closer to that. Peace of Mind, a place that was once safe and it was littered with debris, have a malicious kind self built as the colour of achievement, like the bereavement of one of me. King something that's nasty needs stamped out. So yeah, 2019. Let's kick this ****** in. But Scott, our dreams picked apart at the seams. Something that seems so possible has now deemed Mission Impossible. My subconscious mind unravels, travels find myself pacing back and forth. Racing at 100 mile an hour, something so sweet turned sour, a stagnant pool of water was once so fresh. I guess I'm like the worst ever. Made myself always sell. Get me ship in order. But I'm border an old self destruct. Cannot be ******. Scared of what? My future will hold true to live in the present, but the truth be told and drawn back to the past. My memory holds vast memory, so cold as my thoughts unfold and fold on that this paper. Ohh man. What the **** am I worrying about? Plenty of time. Sort of this shout later. What's up?

Speaker 14

How do we educate our children to take their place in the economies of the 21st? Century. How do we do? That that you can't anticipate what the economy will look like at the. End of next week. Every country on earth on Earth is trying to figure out how do we educate our children so to have a sense of cultural identity and so. That we can have some cultural genes. Of our communities while being part. Of the process of globalization. Do you square that circle?

**Guest: Strange food about. You call that radio.

Speaker 14

Makes coherent sense.

Mark: It's to call that radio TV. Gonna see if I can put the the green screen back on cause I mean once once you've been a a floating head in space, you can't really go back and see if it works again. Amazing stuff from Matt Richardson there. No, it's not. It's not happening. It's just me. Also, I've noticed that we've had we've had hundreds of people showing them today. It's been amazing to see such a so many people tuned in tonight, but we've only 13 likes on YouTube. So if you're watching this on YouTube, you assume you've got a YouTube account. Hit the like button please on the YouTube video itself and and if you want to share it. That's even better. Which is what is the amazing poetry of Mark Richardson. Mark, always a pleasure to see you, man and.

**Mark: Good map see here.

Mark: What have you? Have you got anything that people can buy yet or how? To be disappointed.

Chris: Yeah, I'm working on the building the pipeline, so it's just it's a slow process. So I should hopefully in the next couple of months get that done can. So I should not. I've not to buy, just sold, but I'll let you can when I've done right.

Mark: Amazing, mate. Well, I look forward to the book, man, and it is a little a long process. I've still not. ******* got my poetry. Book lyric book Friday for years. And then just don't dart right, but but. Just please hang. Around there might be there might. Be time for more, more poetry. I hope there is. But I'm not any I'm I'm. Not in any big rush, but I do know that the captain has got. Looks like he's ready. It's. Captain, what times? Night have you got? Have you got? Something up your sleeve, captain?

**Guest: Any thoughts?

Mark: Yeah, we can. Oh, sorry. Keep the people. Captain, the ohh here. Well, here we're all here. We're all here. It's just.

**Guest: I thought about like. Yeah, I didn't know. But I thought about maybe just doing an instrumental.

Mark: Well, you can do whatever you want. It's captain hot knives night.

**Guest: Knowing me, some words will. End up coming out of it.

Mark: That sounds good enough to me. Take it away.

**Guest: The trouble is what I've done remember last year. When you booked me and I and I said yeah, Mike, I'll be there. I'll be really professional.

Chris: And you were.

Mark: There you were. Very professional.

**Guest: And I said, Mark, I definitely there's no way in the world. Will it turn up on Mushies or?

Speaker

All like that.

Mark: You didn't promise that?

**Guest: And then what did happen?

Mark: You took mushrooms, you took a lot of mushrooms.

**Guest: ****, I've done it again. Ma'am, every time I'm on your shower.

Mark: But nobody's done.

**Guest: This is why Mommy wants to go.

Mark: Nobody's judging me here, mushies. And no mushies. We're just happy to see. What knives?

**Guest: I was. I think it's something to make a song about.

Mark: But if anyone wants to leave something in the comments.

Speaker

Of it.

Chris: You'll wake up.

Mark: Yeah, a muscle.

Guest: Right.

Mark: But Accent is a muscle relaxing, you know, that's one of the greatest. Things ever happened. To me is I did. A poultry set before you. And I said I'm muscle, but accent is a muscle relaxant and you use that as a song and that is the greatest. Compliment to my poetry.

Chris: I've ever.

Mark: Heard because everyone doesn't know a muscle. But I'm saying it's a muscle relaxant. It's not a clever rhyme. It just rhymes. Very well, and it rhymes in every accent in the world. Cosmo, are you still listening? Cosmo, you're you've got a different accent from me. Could you say a muscle? But Accent is a muscle relaxant. And your accent, please.

**Mark: That's a muscle boy accent.

Mark: Muscle, but accent is a muscle relaxant.

**Mark: A muscle accent is a muscle where accent is that one.

Mark: Arrange it ******* rhymes. Suzie Briggs.

Guest: We got.

Mark: Susie Biggs. What could you say? A muscle. But Accent is a muscle bra accent. A muscle action is a muscle action.

Chris: A but a a muscle Burra.

Chris: Accent is a muscle, Buller Twister, a muscle Burra accent is a muscle. Burrer reacts relaxant.

Mark: It rhymes. It rhymes. Let's be to slide. Let's go live in Dumfries, from Dumfries to Fife. A muscle Braxton is a muscle relaxant. That's what I wanna know. No, I.

Speaker 16

Disagree with this? Every time a muscle Brit accent is a muscle relaxant. That's how I'd say it does.

**Guest: Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 16

The rhyming of. I'm sorry I've ruined it, but.

Mark: Connection me cammie. 'S got **** and I'm there, obviously. *****, a muscle. Braxton, it's a muscle relaxant.

Chris: Accent is a muscle relaxant.

Mark: It rhymes. It rhymes in Glasgow. Well done, Donna. Who else? A muscle car accident is a muscle relaxer.

**Mark: There are open eyes.

Mark: In an open accent and why you didn't open?

Guest: No, I do.

Chris: Not, but I'm gonna try.

Speaker

I muscle a muscle, but I I'm.

Guest: A muscle accent is a muscle relaxant.

Mark: Yes, it rains in open. Praise the Lord, Captain Horn. Take away.

**Guest: So I didn't really have a song ready. You know, I was just kind of watching everybody else but a song. That's those things with the words and all the music behind them in it. That would be. Ideal right now, wouldn't it? That would be a professional. Would have one ready up right now. I reckon.

Mark: Professional. But you know. What about your your hit man? I know there's people been asking for. I hate babies and that is your.

**Guest: Yeah, alright, give us 2 seconds.

Mark: OK. And this song is called. I hate babies. And one day I hope to sample it. It's gyro babies, and then we'll make a Jackal train song just to confuse people. But this song is about hate and babies by Captain Hook.

Chris: You know what it is?

**Guest: You know what it is, Mark? I've made the classic schoolboy error of having older the wrong guitar.

Mark: Yeah. Well, that, that, this. The best of everything.

**Guest: Just before I start this. Song not being funny, mark, but did you see that girl Roberta? Do that second song she did. Notice she had a cap, or didn't she?

Mark: She the capo and then basically people are saying about Roberta.

Chris: And we're in the.

Mark: Money world. They're Roberta. Lovely round of applause for Roberta. Well said. Roberta says Paul I 2nd that the better, gorgeous. Hi, Tony willshaw. I don't think that's to do with that. Fantastic, Roberta. Everyone was loving Roberta, but she did have a couple. Do you think she? It was her that stole it from Lancome.

**Guest: I'm not saying it would say that for it.

Mark: Well, actually it's. She's she's in the picture. She's definitely in the picture.

**Guest: I just said it's more than one person. I've got a couple.

Mark: Lancom have no capital. Roberta has a capable we can't. Rule it out at this stage.

**Guest: I mean.

Mark: Ohh, so sexy Sissy Briggs's got. Briggs got a capital.

**Guest: Everyone's got a ******* cuppa. What a land. Come on.

Mark: About everybody got a ******* attitude.

Chris: I'm cooking.

Speaker 10

I hate.

Guest: ******* sick of babies. Come round to your house sat next to your missus. Got one other tip. So starting to sort at the end of a sit and pushed himself and shoot himself and threw up down the back and smash his ******* face here. If you want to invite him round. Again, you wouldn't even let him in. You won't give him.

Chris: Any more catch him in. But babies get away with it because. Thank you. Thieving little ******** in the wrong pursuit. Stole one only friends, no one goes. Out anymore because everyone's sitting at home with. A ******* baby going.

**Guest: I'm like cheers, man. Thank you, drinking partners. ******* hell. Going and having babies. Soft *******. This babies can make as much noise as they.

Chris: Want live at night but. Not me. People found me wall.

Chris: Say shut up before. Care in the community? Progressive church. When I shout. **** ***, mum. That's why I have babies.

**Guest: Babies can get away with anything for smaller cue.

Chris: Because they look so cute, like for.

**Guest: Example, if I go into tescos.

Chris: And shoot myself and **** myself. And start to cry again. I'll just. Get sectioned again. That's not.

**Guest: Fair is it?

Chris: Small enough for.

**Guest: That one love for me. And you know I'm jealous of their lifestyle. They're these. My wife. And they spend their lives lying on a bed, sucking. On sister bigger than the Reds.

Chris: Lucky ********, lucky ********. Lucky ********. Loopy ********. Look at.

**Guest: The size of my head. No chance of that happening for me.

Chris: Four days. Babies. Cats you know. You slap around the bracelets, give them the tobacco.

Guest: They slather on the tobacco.

Chris: Give him a liar and a piece of. Ashes and the fall off the back of the Moor altogether. There's got no balance. Everybody loves her. Not funky mood, mate.

**Guest: Focusing the bad days, they never have a lighter.

Chris: What's the use?

**Guest: Of a ******* human being without a lighter. ******* sake, what do they do all day long? They never have tinfoil. The Resourceless little ********, always on the blood.

Chris: Take take, take, scream, scream, scream, shake, shake, pace, pace, scream, scream, scream, scream, scream.

**Guest: And the babies are even. Worse than me?

Mark: Captain hot knaves.

**Guest: Explain things if you've not seen me before, right?

Chris: I never asked.

**Guest: The pub for a gig. But if somebody books me, I think they must. Know what I'm like? They're booking me. They're offering me. I think they must know, but I never just turn up to a pub. And just do. Myself, that's like in the wrong pub. I did this. I was singing that once. I hate babies in this pub and it's clear there's two couples and you know when it's couples my and they don't, they hate each other. They've been married for 20. 5 ******* years they hate each other. But they have this ******* Friday night where they. Go out we both posh. Guy got his nice shirt on and his ******* signet. Rings on that. They go to the bar. And then there's me saying I hate babies. And one of their wife doesn't like it. So she does that. Face to her husband, like you know. And what's he saying? And then they hit you and you're. Just like it's just such a it's. Just I don't really hate babies. Come on. But yeah. So if people booked me out, I trust it. I go as Mark booked me on the festival, didn't you, mark? At Colburn.

Mark: That indeed.

**Guest: That was what I was going to. Be like you can. Love me in the wrong pub, you know.

Mark: Yeah, I can imagine I can imagine. I can imagine that I can imagine you in Tesco ******** and ******* and crying again as well. Looking back, Gary the ******** is back and Camry. Sorry Camry. It was like cammy's five on his back as well. Cosmos back Cosmos back as well.

Chris: You what?

**Guest: Well, because not doing anymore songs while these.

Mark: Well, Cosmo, I'd love another song for. Cosmo. Yeah, for it, man.

**Guest: You have another storm.

**Mark: Yeah, I'll be up for that. Like, got go shortly.

Mark: OK. Well, let's do a song before you go then. Cosmo, I'd love to.

Speaker 13

Hear from everyone.

**Guest: What one?

Mark: Well, you're getting set up. I'll read out some of. The comments was living that Sharon was loving it, loving.

**Guest: Yeah, no.

**Mark: OK.

Mark: It your class captain seating. Table any time you're in Lanarkshire. Pure class is mark. I'm laughing at Donna getting in the groove tie hate babies, says Sharon.

Chris: I'm loving it.

**Guest: Not sung it in this pub. Right, Mark, check this out. You don't the Mary. Well, uppers don't.

Mark: Yeah. Yeah. Wallpapers. Wallpapers.

Chris: Zoom lights on.

**Guest: So basically I was injured in dark in Ireland about to some of the and then they spend the money. They said, oh, we've got you a gig on a Wednesday night. So I thought, well, the lads would said it'll be OK. Sure, it'll be grand. So I went to this pub. And I went in and it wasn't just me playing, but I was really glad it was me. But everyone was, like, doing 2 songs around this table and the first song was actually beautiful. Ballad in Irish language. You know it's it makes you cry even if you don't understand the language. Just like cry. It's that old ladies who is your heart rending ballad. And then there's a couple of our songs, and there's a couple of songs along the lines of if any English guy in this pub. And then it's me like, what am I gonna ******* see? You know they could sing. I hate babies like they dared. Me to do. It and a lot of those women in the probably older women turned out they're all pro. Lifers and stuff.

Mark: It didn't go well.

Speaker 11

90s weirdly.

Chris: Enough and we have.

Chris: Met people started reading the.

**Guest: Mets to come to the pub. I mean, we're mad. They were properly mad and they wouldn't let us leave until about 5:00. O'clock in the morning and the guy. From the behind the bar. Jumped over the. Bar and he did full ******* interpretive dance for anti gravity. Caps he was. Like he was like, imagine we. Well, sticking it to imaginary cats and stealing them. It was like sucking out it's it's was. I'm going back like it was really good. I'm just terrified at the start. I thought it's they're just not gonna have, like, hate babies in this pub, but they had it anyway.

Mark: Well, I'm sure. That any any audience out there, I'm sorry.

**Guest: Customers got money. We better give you this.

Mark: Cosmo, we're ready for Cosmo. It's Cosmo. Take it away.

**Mark: Well, here we go. Thank you very much. I'm Cosmo and I'm broadcasting from the kitchen. Here we go. And it's a year since the lockdown, folks. And what's been happening to our heads? What's been going on to our brimming heads, mate? Because I know some people. You've probably gone a bit. Weird like you know, and I bet you know, some people like this. COVID-19 has given the psoriasis care and getting hold of facts can be a nightmare, but my mates online in his pajamas reading ******** to add to the drama, done his research. He says he's. Passed it but. I reckon he's proper ******* lost it, he said. He's silver weight. Bill Gates on a 5G mask, syringe for the vaccine. Put it in my ***. Oh, hey mate. What you want about? What's your address? Because we're a lunar power. Said hey mate, what you want about? What you read this about? Last night we all had the Zoom party. He was on about the Illuminati. We got so poor we wanted to shoot.

Speaker

It to someone.

**Mark: Found out there's a. Button that commuted a sensory will get so confused. Like it, they will start on. About the dudes, yes, folks. That's a massive clue about. What conspiracies are doing to you? Think about it. Hey mate, what you on about better. What's your head? Does it cause bearing Luna about? I said. Hey, mate. What you're on about better. What's your head? This could be a Luna about. Last night I dreamt all the flat Earthers got together with the truthers and birthers. Anti VAX became actual facts, David. I was king. That's we're not cracked. Before I knew it, up became down two and two was five. The smile became a frown. The world's going to shoot. We're all held down the course. So why do you want to put the cart before the horse? That's what conspiracy.

Chris: Why do you want to put the cart before?

**Mark: The horse. Here we go. Hey, mate. What you on about? Better what you read this thing about I said. Hey, mate, what you on about? You read this about? I said what you on about? What about I said? Right. Right. What you on about? Better, what's this feeling about?

Speaker

Here we go.

**Mark: Thank you very much. All systems go.

Guest: You saw that radio, radio, radio. Almost every night, every night and every night.

Speaker 15

It's going to. Be streaming live stream and that stream. And that you call.

Speaker 15

That Rainier.

Guest: TV show. Almost every night, every night.

Speaker 15

Streaming live streaming, live streaming live.

Mark: You are tuned in to. You call that radio TV live. It's the anniversary special. It's captain hot knives in the house, captain. Hot knives is. Is with us. How's it going, captain?

**Guest: Oh yeah.

Mark: We've got, we just, we just witnessed a live performance from Cosmo. Cosmo, lots of comments coming in perfectly tune Cosmo loved it, says Susie love love from Petra. Cosmo put me in mind of Judge Dredd. Loving your songs Bob Campbell says. Love that hello, says Ross. And then we'll go and Bob Campbell said that was brilliant, the folk fest, but all the kids were singing. I hate babies. Turn the van has arrived. Showers to turn the van. Thomas is in the house. Uh Alan Gray is laughing and everyone's back. They can't use what names either. That's true. Babies can't use what knives can they? Well, they can, but they're.

**Guest: Even even Tomas, they **** it up.

Mark: Really enjoy your tunes. It's Cosmo guitar.com. Is that correct?

**Mark: That's absolutely right. Thank you. It's been really nice to be here and and it's been great, me and everyone, I really enjoyed tonight. Thank you very much for having me and. Thanks for all the other guests. I thought that was brilliant. All of it. Thank you.

Mark: You're welcome back on. Cosmo would love to get a proper chat with you and obviously there's a million people on the show tonight, so we can't get a proper chat because there's just too many things going on. But I you're welcome back anytime mid-april onwards, we're booked up to mid-april, but then we're good to get you on. Have a proper chat and learn more about your man. You've been brilliant tonight. Thank you very much. I know that you've got to go soon. So feel free to drop out. The same goes for everyone as well. I know that Cami still hearing that Garry's still hearing that Donna is still here. I know Susie still here. Don't feel he's have. Got to stay. Feel free to just slip on. Or Cosmo just slipped off at that point? I think we've got thanks all you Cosmos off. Cheers, Cosmo. Good stuff, says Petra. Dilly and Dally and Dilly and Dally too cheeky, says share. Does anyone know? Is that a song you one of yours, Captain?

**Guest: And I think it might mean. That follow the van.

Chris: All right.

**Guest: It's cause it sounds just a bit London Ish Cosmo.

Mark: OK. What about Cami, can you get you up for, have you got any, have you got a wee poem for this because you've been here for? A while and you've not done anything for ages.

Speaker 16

I've got a highway propriate one about mushrooms that. I can go for right? You wanna you.

Mark: Want what about mushrooms? You up for it? I think we'd all like a wee mushroom one.

Guest: Right, cool goes like this. It goes little ****** tip and blue bruises on the stem. They'll let your vision slip up because they drew you 2%. Eleven little villages occluded by the grass. If your mission isn't diligent, you won't go shoot it. Pass them a lot of look alikes are heading as ***** keep a keen eye out for detail and combination. We'll luck send a prayer up to the gods of mother. Nature has worked and made Jake Ball where a dog has come and taken a lot, a lot of ambling at random out and gardens and fields. If the park is public property, we're planning to steal because frankly, I'm embarrassed that reality is real, so I'll traverse and you damage with the real fun guy. The wheel, if you vibe with my college, you're my kind of guy, and I'm gonna buy it right off for you. I'm not-for-profit, but I'm done with the hunt and munching down scouting mushies. Oh, you can't. What I've done. My legs feel like to run. Perception seems brighter and prepped for excitement. My sights have seem wider and deeper, and your appreciation for features that went and seen previous to meeting these teachers. A tad beleaguered by this marvelous feeling, like a fantastic siege that I'm just happy to be in, appearing comments can be, but even that is deceiving, because I'm not even coming. I'm Ian. Good evening. And nice to meet you. I'm just staying with my ego. Little lighter gringo and we're kinda like amigos. A sense of separation now prevents us ride equal deeper down that we go, but keep reaching for the peoples Peep Show and neuroticism. We can buy this organ and some biological warfare, dropping bombs of wisdom. We sell the side, but I can rise it from this cognitive present, but it's like convincing a wall to. Listen and damn and foolish. Now get back on my ******** like that. Back baby back Bamba do ship. All I see is on the matter, PS and aesthetic structures get a sense of relief where I tend to suffer. I've ripped the puncture that the skin of my assumptions reflected on my metaphors. Definitely not working, turned up looking like I'm right in my bed, right and **** that only. Sounds like sense out in my head. And so we're asking, what's next, Joe A A. We'll blast off in a SEC. Let's go. Not fast. Expect slow. I've returned from the depths of my soul. So don't test me, bro. Ohh how can I plan a conquest when a man cannot stand on legs? Let's go. I've got fate. What's blocking the light? A lot of dodgy and face like I lost a lottery twice but leave your bag at your home. You've got to manage to let it go. Not fast, nor expect slow MO. It's energy dancing with entropy back to the core. Especially don't act. You know, you've got to manage to let it go. Not fast. Expect slow mo. It's energy dancing with entropy, endlessly and free drugs that you find on the floor, distributor geniuses designed in the sports ***** microdose. I want three or 4 grams. This field is a food court. I'm filling out the floor plan. I'll fill that whole jar. Phillip 4 bags better. That is better for depression than your Prozac. Best bet is when you pick them, they will grow back and no chances as addictive as your nose back. So kick your coat. Glad that kills the psychedelia fast. Sightseer never steers into amnesiac. Wander off the beaten track. I'll meet you for the reenactment only keeping tabs and secret stashes when I'm feeling fat. Lucy and Dimitri. Completely different creatures like love Emma. Love a candy flip, but Mandy trips have got no season attached or more would guarantee you'll find me in the park picking up prescriptions free of charge so I can see in the dark if you catch a fleeting glance. Please don't be alarmed. Despite all the screaming, I'm not being harmed, lost, wandering the plot of my unconsciousness, knocking down the blockages that I forgot. We're keeping misguided kanichi wah. Sweetheart, I'll send a greeting card from the bleeding Heart Steam park. I'm stealing a police car will lead them out to peace. That freedom at last. But yell for real. That'll pass. Believe it to chance when I reach for the stars. See the difference between us exceeding you grasp. See your rock the special means to see perpetual street art and freelance at Dream Farms without the green card. So relax, set back images of tunes. They're all weird ones that it's just what happens with shrooms. Attempt to tap a tablature? I'll bet it's slapdash and amateur somewhat disadvantaged when I'm glancing from this aperture. Feel a little dizzy and I'm mad at the view for dancing and moving the landscape like. It's flirtatious that toilet loquacious that told a dirty joke and oh boy, was that hilarious. Wish you got a transcript. You wouldn't understand. It brought a lot of laughs in a what a long language. The alternative. I hope you brought the sedative. The darkness that unravels as a habit of collapsing the dude. And it goes back to chorus. No, no. Repeat it because there's no. Got beat, but that's mushes. You all have made it.

Mark: That says you're coming out, man. This is you call. That radio we just watched Kami came on and you, everyone sorry because I think. There's people clapping. Amazing stuff, Cammy. Honestly, man, I'm a massive fan of your writing and your delivery and good on you, mate. I ******* smashed that.

Speaker

Thank. Thank you.

Mark: If you want, if you want. If you want more Cammy. Haha then. You go to. Oh ****. I've deleted it, only type it out. Again, do you? Know what came. I've been spelling your name. I spell. I spelled your name wrong for about 5 years and then the last year or two I got it right. But it's the King Kamehameha dog band camp.

Guest: I'm glad that people are are starting to pick on my my my stupid name. I don't mind that nobody understands it. It's it's OK.

Mark: Thing kami hami ha. That's maybe a couple of beers in me, but I still spelt it right. Well done, well done. Speaking of spelling mistakes. Martin has fixed the flyer, shouts to mum Windibank. Absolute legend, who's fixed it. As you can see on Saturday, we're gonna do our live gig in real time featuring big Fat panda. Esperanza Tom McGuire and the Brussels never wakes first ever gig album launch ******* Venus Loki Kid Robotic Sweet rogue Suzanne Carpenter, Stevie Creed, the Brooklyn. What's been Johnny cypher? And the bomb scare are gonna play the specials. I'll give you all start to finish the copyright robots won't like that, but we'll see. That we'll see what happens with that brilliant, says Lou. Talking about you, Cammy. Brilliant poem. This is Alan IKEA from the captain, please.

Guest: They accuse me of poetry. Don't, don't dare accuse.

**Guest: Me of poetry.

Guest: And one of their rap singers.

Guest: Go dare accuse me.

Mark: And Mandy Clarkson, the house, Mandy Clarke from Bombscare, and Katie Tunstall, Mandy Clarke happy anniversary. It was one of our first guests as well, and I hope you're well, Mandy. How does Carrie? Remember all that great, cheery wee guy? You're cheeky, always considered you a bit grumpy, but Alice says you're cheeky, so that's fine.

Guest: I'm in perfect. Balance of the two, it depends what mood you catch.

Mark: We've got. We've got him. Know that there's more ports lined up, but I don't know if this is possible. Captain hot knives. Can you do IKEA? Ask tone willshaw. Could you do a song about IKEA? Could you?

**Mark: Make one up really well.

Chris: Cause it's really that was off this album where I had beats and basslines and then I realized I couldn't really do it live with just one guitar or some like that one. Where it was that I go into IKEA, fall asleep in the toilets. I wake up and show, so I think.

Mark: One says shot after them. We've already had shoplifted, the pigeons told me to shoplift. Wanted had that tone. You need to wind the back to watch that one we've got, Sharon says. I'm smiling, happy and feel honored to have shared the music and friendship tonight. Oh, that's lovely to hear, son. I'm glad you're enjoying it, Mark. Banjo at the ready. There's there's lots of comments. Going on.

Chris: When some was solved by a wise man, he said. Whatever you do, you ******* Knobhead mother. Ever stoop to doing the riffs of cheesy 90s dance pop hits on a banjo? And I just looked at that guy and I went.

Guest: That's not immense. Just wish for the sky.

Chris: Let's just switch for this. It's not as it is. We're doing it on the banjo, just.

Speaker 11

Taking the ****.

Chris: My neighbours have to live with this. One is 2 lives.

Mark: Brain cells. Yes. Voice whenever voice. Techno, techno. Techno. Techno.

Chris: No, no, it's.

Mark: What are you making? Gary asked Sharon. He's he's making a roll up, I believe. And unbelief. Right. Blue bluegrass shaming. Bluegrass shaming.

Chris: Hang on.

Mark: I'm gonna leave you with that thought. I'm gonna leave you that thought, but I'm gonna go round and let everyone someone else have. A shot. Susie. Susie.

Chris: Yeah, not.

Speaker

To it.

Mark: Lizzie, you got me.

Guest: Hello I thought doing one of my children's stories. Oh yeah. Uh, this is called wished. I want you to join in, though. I want you to. Hollow, like a dog. You ready? Shug the dog, love to sing. Love to sing? Then he would sing in the clergy. He would sing in the stairs. He'd sing to the buggy, he'd sing anywhere. It's a universe cante. It's sanguinius sad. His family loved him, even when he was bad.

Speaker 11

Your neck when the.

Guest: Moon was wrecked and full. Shove some look, some with his loudest. He closed his in, hurried up his head. Ah shucks shouted. His family can, you know, hold your wish. His family did love him. But they couldn't get this, so they pitched shrugging the gear, then thinking it best. Maybe he'll get distracted and play with his toys. Maybe that would stop Shug from mucking that noise. Shocking me. Idea he was doing me, and bigger Shug thought he was a fantoche singer. In the garden, Hutchin was snuffling at the grim, looking for tasty treats like Slaters and Worms. Shugs says the hutchin. Wished, but have no gotcha and. Hutchin shrugs his shoulders and says. I've only got a sniffer and.

Speaker 13

Jaggies on your skin?

Guest: Shug looks up. And sees who it fleeing silently in the air. There's a wise. Bird thought shop. She'll tell me I'm sheer. Shock sister hurt. I'll be chilled to. Hide, publish but of no connection. Who it thinks and says well. I've only got a twig two and Bonnie. Feathers on my skin. Shug seized his cell and things Paddock in the puddle. She had a mouthfeel midgies and was enjoying a cuddle. Shocked says the paddock. I'll be chilled to hold my wish, but I've no got you in. Put up gulps and sees.

Speaker 11

Well, I've only got.

Guest: A rabbit and shiny green skin. Shocked, smiled, and sighed. The man was full and brick shock held up his head and sang. Into the net, our bedroom, windy flew open and the next doors House and the old wifey that stayed there shouted. Shug well, yes, shush.

Mark: Racing stuff Susie Briggs. Nipnebs.com if you want to support the good stuff that Susie's doing, Rocky jumped up when he yelled to the moon. Rocky is rocky. Rocky's Edge was dug a great dog, Joe and Susan's dog, Rocky, is an important part of the festival scene. And captain, what knives is still in the house? Carly's still in the. House, I believe Donna is still in the house. Hello, Shauna. Hello, Donna. Hello, Gary. The ******** is still in the House, Gary. I hope. You've got a. Wee problem for this. One for us. But right now, we're gonna go live to we're gonna go live to. Donna, Donna. Please take it away and Gary, if you've got one. If you've got one after that. That'd be great.

Speaker 14

It's called the the the office. The sky was dark at this time of. Night sitting shyly behind curtains. Shadows wait for Lord that he catch his movement. Hitch a ride in the nape of his neck. In the small town that flat where he takes mainframes home for tea, let them outside in the evening to the sound of trains floating by and were dismembered. Mom is asleep with friends. Send shivers down the spine of a womanless moon who takes leave of its senses and. Endorsed to shine, the thought was its own. The first time the. First time he dipped his hands into art. The sight of its. Blood fascinated him. Hot chocolate spilling over cushions. Marked the burden over the ring. Framed as a centrepiece at the lip of his mouth. Through my heart. Rumour has it sits by day and by night it gets painfully drunk and absurdity, name and loneliness, name and loneliness is a prerequisite to madness and ************. A quite. Flick of the. Wrist done in time to the light ticker clock spelling millions. That would be babies. On the stroke of 12 midnight. But it's always. Dark at this time of night and shadows. Thank you.

Speaker 10

Brothers and sisters and the peace that can.

Mark: Only come from one guard be.

Speaker 10

Upon you, we are here to tell people that we hear you. God will not allow us. And people of conscience to lose. Our morale. We see the crimes of this government dictator and. Trample on this earth.

Mark: Amazing stuff. Donna was going. Let's plug your book again, because I believe it's seahorse publications dot. Com What Donna? Hold it one more time.

Speaker 14

And yet she was publications.com my first ever photo collection, and it's called Mongo. Thank you.

Mark: It's amazing, Donna, that this is actually your first poetry collection, cause you're absolute legend and and literary scene and just the wider scene as well. So thank you very much for sharing that.

Speaker 14

Thank you.

Mark: I made some poetry with us. I believe, captain, what now was supposed to be next? But he's obviously he's away. He's away, Gary. Have you got something for us? We don't have muted you, Gary. Gary, have muted you hold on. I can't meet you. You shoot. It's muted. You cause I can't unmute you.

**Guest: Sorry, I was gonna. I was gonna plug something earlier, but I forgot. And just in case if I. Get to say about it. But if you've got playing, playing video, Amazon Prime Video. I I'm I'm on a TV program called. Chefs Diaries Scotland. So you can watch and and and it's all about foraging. And as I was staying there, I was picking these mushrooms. These gorgeous mushrooms. Don't know if you. Can see them anyway.

Mark: I can. Everyone thought you were back.

**Guest: Now called gallery. Of course.

Mark: Everyone thought everyone thought. You were rolling a soap bar joint. That's no. In seen.

**Guest: No, I was just. I just. I just like I like always to be doing something I had. The same time as listening and that's.

Mark: Amazing running.

**Guest: But I saw chefs. It's called chefs. Diaries Scotland. It's on Amazon Prime. It's something done with the rocker brothers. So after all that with the. Hospital I came out and I was just sitting watching the telly and and that came on the telly and I was I go. I had done something with them and and then the kids were there and and then the. Next thing I. Know I'm I'm featuring in the program as well. So it's it's pretty cool. Too tired to the not to hear same. Thing I thought you. Know what I mean with the foraging?

Mark: Well, that's what I mean.

**Guest: I said I said that.

Mark: Of the greatest one of the greatest foragers, I don't even know how. Like, I mean you don't. It's not a World Cup or anything, but you are one of the greatest foragers in Scotland, which therefore makes the UK and the world one of the greatest foragers in the world.

**Guest: I've probably slipped down maybe a bit lately. Not no, I was right in there from the beginning, man. So, yeah, I was writing the cooking right in the foraging, and I still am. You know what I mean? But there's a there's a couple. Of people doing awfully well now with it as well. You know what? I mean. But anyway, no, just running, just running.

Speaker 13

What I what I?

Mark: Hope I hope, I hope when I hope. When travel restrictions are reduced and why they come up to open and go foraging me, I'll bring the camera and we can we can. You can show me how to, how to forage and how to cook man. Because I like to think myself, I liked it myself. A quite a decent cook, but obviously. You are an actual real chef. And you're an amazing forager. Captain Gary, this is Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary. Knows how to forage, and I'm sure that he's would get on like a house on fire and he's just foraged some very good Scottish music. Comes together. Gary, what you got for us?

**Guest: I've got I've I've got 2 little problems, but one's one's a long form and then another one that's short. That's sort of tie in together. The first one's called, that's why. My Papa sat in his chair. My Gran, my Gran seemed to stand at the kitchen door. The best food I've ever eaten. That's why she was busy. I want to be I. Want to be? Like her and my Papa, he was cool. He played Benny Holland record beside the chair. He fought in World War Two and was captured by the Italians. He was a brenman. And never came back home for five years. After he was freed. They beat the Italian Guards, who had been nasty. My dad told me that he made. Me a fishing. Rod and my best friend snapped. He still hurts as I remember it, Ben. He was a great man and my Gran. A great cooking woman. She was always busy cooking because she was a. Perfectionist an artist, that's why. That's the first one. And this next one is called. I asked my Papa. Did they kill any Germans? Don't ask your Papa. That Gary, my dad said. I really wanted to know. No, it's not. That's right, number one, but that's that's a couple. The end. Most of life like.

Speaker 10

Brothers and sisters, brothers and sisters.

Speaker

And you perform me. Back right?

Speaker

You call that radio.

Chris: Say hey, go along way and get. Hello. Hello. Hello, this is Tom.

Mark: Amazing stuff with Gary. I just want to actually point. It's quite weird. We've been so many viewers tonight and nobody signed up to the Patreon. The show is not possible without patrons, so if you've enjoyed tonight's show or any of the shows we've done the last year. £3.00 a month it's less than three points, $3. So it's a patreon.com/you call that radio or you can make a one off donation. PayPal dot me forward slash you call that radio. If you just enjoying it and you wanna do it, you get some bonus content you sent. Everyone a free song today. OK, you get into the the big raffle on on the the big show on Saturday, which is the building a spring show. Oh my God, all day. It's just 2:00. O'clock. It's 3:00. O'clock. We start at 2. Very late. All that stuff's happening live in real time. So you could comment in real time. It's gonna be. It's gonna be a good one. And also it's shout outs to Paul. Vickers, who first heard done the replicants, was a band I found in an NME CD, a song called Radars. I ******* love it. I still play it to this day and he's got various incarnations. Paul Vickers in the leg are gonna be performing live here tomorrow at 2:00. O'clock in the afternoon. Obviously, I didn't plan. At 2:00 o'clock. So tomorrow, that's actually a terrible idea. But that's just what's happening, because we actually booked it, actually booked it for 24th of February. He got mixed up, so he's gonna be here at the 24th of March tomorrow. Paul Vickers in the leg. It's gonna be surreal comedy and amazing musicianship. And then. The next stage is to build up to the big one where we're. Just gonna talk. And play tunes from all the acts playing and Saturday. It's a tradition on you call that radio that two days before the big show at capture. What's we we speak to? So any of those acts may turn up, maybe another will turn up will just be me, who knows. And Friday night we've got abdominal. The legendary Canadian MC from Toronto, he's actually had a whole bunch of hits from the late 90s to to the two. What an MC and what a nice guys been on the show before, but it was about a year ago, so it's one year on. See how abdominal's doing a year on and then it's a big one on Saturday, and I'll stop talking *****. Support the patron if you can. If you can afford 3 comma month, I think you should do it, Gary. You just smashed it again. There, mate. And your show. It's on. Amazon prime. It is called chef Diary Scotland. No, wait.

**Guest: But I just. I'm more I'm actually. There's a wee better feature on. It it's actually the whole programmes in Spanish, but it's it's about these guys, the, the, the two of the best chefs in the world, the some of the best chefs in the world, come over in Scotland. And then they cooked, and then they they they may actually suppliers. And that was one of the supply. Else but then they always Norman.

Guest: And I mate.

Mark: Gary is one of the the best foragers in Scotland, one of the best chefs in Scotland, a poor, a rapper and a genius. Thank you very much Gary, for joining. Night, Petra. Saying am I doing a Cinemark? Yes, of course you are, Petra. I'll send you the link right now. It's open mic night and you're on the list, so of course I'll send you a link. That and just gonna read a couple of comments. I think it looks like captain hot knife just warming up for another tune. I don't know what he's got lined up, but just read out a couple of comments before we. Go any further. We have a. Can it be a cup of tea? Says Bob. Great poems Gary says. Petra love it. It shows.

Mark: Jeff Diaries in my list freeloaders, says Mark McInnes loved the free song says costing that was him. As a patron you get. A free song. Me and Joe made I was trying to work out his sum up my year, and I made a very serious song that is also finished today. But I think I'm gonna wait till the video's finished. Hopefully this week. That'll be out this week, I think, but it's a wee fun song if you're a patron at patreon.com/call at radio, you'll get that magic, Gary. Same thing happened to me when I was. We asked my great uncle. Mark says it's the prices.

**Guest: You too.

Mark: It's the price of some. Isn't pack of Andrex sign ups thingies exactly man? I mean, how much are you saving by not buying pints in the pub? **** sake. Less than £3.00. Just sign up the patron man like I'm. I'm not out of the woods yet. I'm definitely in a lot better place than I was. You know, about 10 months ago, but we could still do more. Dogs are better than babies. Says a Cochran. This reminds me of the early days of you call that radio when it just meanders on with guests dropping in. Now, great stuff guys. The good old days. He he liked the first album before we got commercial. I love that about you. Your poetry is astounding. Donna says Susie's amazing poetry. Donna says Amy. I'm an odd Donna. Says Sharon Fab says casting Jack. Also Donna speed. Dinosaur says my wife and I are very entertained. This is ace. And round of applause. Well done. And soap bar. He he? Yeah, lots of comments. Sorry if I've not read your comments. I'm trying my best, but it's been a really busy night. Rosie's done and that's a great thing to see. I believe we've. Got a special guest just turned up into the. Green room drinking the red stripe, but captain. What knives? It looks like you might have something prepared.

Chris: Candy, do you want me to do a little? Short run while somebody else drinks a. Red stripe.

Mark: Yes, I think I'll be good, she. Needs to warm up. She needs. To have a red stripe in the green room and then go for it.

Chris: I'll do my best.

**Mark: So what if you don't get everything you want? So what? If you don't. Get everything you want so want if you don't everything you want, what you gonna do about it or what you gonna do?

Chris: What you gonna do about it or?

**Mark: What you gonna do about it? What you gonna?

Chris: Do about it.

**Mark: You gonna do about it? Are you gonna?

Chris: Sit there blaming everybody else.

Chris: Are you gonna sit there?

Chris: It's everybody else's fault.

Speaker 13

Are you gonna sit there and bring?

Chris: Me and everybody else.

**Mark: Are you gonna put the call?

Chris: On and shut the ****. Don't ask me where this is coming from. This song, it writes itself. The words fall from and fall out. Turns into a sound something. So what if you don't get everything you want? So what if you don't get anything?

**Mark: You want.

Chris: So what if you don't?

**Mark: Get everything you want. What you gonna do about it? What you.

Speaker

Gonna do about. It what you gonna do about it?

Chris: Then church Mad Church to go to.

**Mark: Ben Chalk, what are you gonna do about it?

Chris: That's a Buddhist. Throw it. In a film. A film about Tina. And you know what? It made me think. What's love got to do? Got to do it. What's love for the second hand? What's love? With it, does Tina Turner realize she's being used? By the loyalist cause.

Speaker 11

The best.

**Mark: No, I wouldn't. To call and she's back at home does.

Chris: She ever know that?

**Mark: I bet she wouldn't like them guys. So what?

Guest: If you don't.

**Mark: Get everything you want.

Speaker 14

So what if?

**Mark: You can't believe as well and you want.

Chris: And what if you'll never be in world's Strongest Man because you fell out of your training regime? Because of COVID-19. So what? Unit this year. Fell behind with the training.

Speaker 10

Right.

Speaker

Strange mood of. Our time.

Speaker 13

You call that radio.

Speaker

Makes a coherent sense.

Mark: Amazing stuff, captain. We've got our special guests about to join us and we've got a couple of comments. Lovely plain, captain says tone. I'll blame everyone. Else says Bob, you're the dog's ********, captain. Don't know why I'm writing this in caps stoned. We yeah, my man. Hurricanes and walkers, says Bob Castle. And it's the it's the price. Yeah, you've got. I've read that one. Well done, Gary, says Sharon. Gary still here, I think, actually, Gary is still here. Some and yeah, we've got it. What's take me? Do the Royal Rumble. Countdown and bring on the next special guest. Who could it be? It could be anyone. It could be Tina Turner. For all we know, we don't know. If it's not, we can't say definitely that it's not. It's Petra. It's you. Look, look, hang on.

Mark: You gotta you gotta capole right at the front where you can. See a capole right there. Does Lankham does lankham know that you've got that couple?

Speaker 15

I don't know do. You know, funnily enough, lost.

Mark: I love the T-shirt. I love the T-shirt. I love the T-shirt.

Speaker 11

Oh, this was.

Speaker 15

A gift from one of your elves at Christmas.

Mark: Who took utopia? Great album.

Speaker 15

******* great.

Speaker 11

As you know, I've got the copy.

Speaker

Hey Sir.

Mark: Petra, I believe you got some songs. I've got a song for us, so please take it away.

Speaker 11

Can I give you ohh can.

Speaker 15

I share the screen with the people as well.

Mark: Oh yeah.

Speaker 15

I just can't believe it's that prerogative.

Mark: Well, we've got more comments coming in quickly before before I forget, great show Mark Austin. Good to hear. You playing against, says Ross Ross Winter, listening to the show while Lou plays the new song.

Chris: OK.

Mark: Very country. Yeah, that that's the new song that we've got out. And for patrons only. If you sign up to patreon.com/you, call that radio, you'll hear it. So we shouldn't mean Joe made that we we have fun. We ripped off Alabama three basically, but I think they ripped off someone else. For that, petrol has a carpool van tush, Susie says. Hello Danny, absolute legend. Looking good. Petras is Sharon. It hold it.

Speaker

Cheers, Sharon.

Mark: Hold it. The cap. And I have that T-shirt, says Lou and nuns tone still wants the nuns song. You need to think about this because like, I think that I've never seen anyone request something so much done once. So we're gonna, I'll. I'm gonna mute you. I'm gonna mute us all in. Petra, please take it away.

Speaker 11

OK, so and.

Speaker 15

I didn't think I. Would ever write a pandemic song, but I do this zoom quiz every fortnight with friends and the challenge was to do something that represented your year in lockdown. So I thought, well, I'll, I'll write.

Speaker

A song about it.

Speaker 11

So this is what?

Speaker 15

I got up to and I'm a bit amped up, so let me give me the thumbs up. If this is going to be OK. Can you hear the?

Speaker 15

Guitar and me. Am I too loud?

Speaker 11

As a guitar.

Speaker 10

OK.

Mark: If you just play the 1st 20 seconds. Then I'll let. You know.

Speaker 11

Now stop. Supermarket filled my cupboards full of blood and thanks to the answer that I talked to friends, we kept in touch. Yes, stay home alone. It's fair to say I didn't get up. I'm weight gaining from food onto stone. Yeah, baby, I'm. Out to lunch, I'm going to. Pandemic body. That's where I play with my friends. And Super Arty looks and. Yeah, I don't know much. No, you got me where I wanna be pandemic. Super Saturday party. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I want to sleep when I want. Walk when I.

Speaker 15

Want but I always.

Speaker 11

Came a long time ago. Oh ****.

Speaker 11

Love that one is called the Queen's Gambit. And that place where? The long line. Getting good at that and what addicted to it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't know much but. I know you got me where I wanna be. Pandemic Super Saturday party Tuesday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For the first.

Speaker 15

Time shopping online did my shopping online.

Speaker 11

But they didn't. Fit, so I gave them.

Speaker 15

To a friend of mine.

Speaker 11

Got my family next door.

Speaker 15

I never fell alone.

Speaker 11

Baby, I'm the lucky one. I love my home and the seats have something like that to see by my #1. And that's where I play. With my friends so clever. And Super Arty Luke. Some brains. Yeah, I. Don't know much, but I. Know you got me where I wanna be and they make super Saturday party. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Gave up smoking. Now again, well, there goes no. Big surprise, my voice and we walked hand in hand on winter's white thin ice. My heart goes out to the kids to walking, and they were just getting started. So like for me? And you go radio is such a blast, yeah. Went to. The pandemic party. That's where we play with our friends. The Red super looks and brains yet. I don't know much. Well, you got me when I wanna be pandemic. Super Saturday party Tuesday. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mark: That was enough.

Chris: I got yeah 12121. 2YO, this is Charlie Tower from Karasic 5 live and direct here in Glasgow, Scotland and you call that radio. We are here to tell people that.

Speaker 10

We hear you. One guy will not we see.

Speaker 10

And people of conscience, to lose our morale. The crimes of this government, how they support every dictator and criminal on this earth. What time you will feel that sometimes?

Speaker 14

You're muted.

Mark: Mark, after a year after a year, you would think I would learn, but not you sound perfect, Petra, says Lou.

Speaker 15

Oh, thanks.

Mark: Petra says Alan Lovely, says Mark superb.

Speaker

Here's Alan.

Mark: Give Mark that shout. Petra, this is Allie. This is Lou. Nuns up to the nuns.

Speaker 11

Thank you. Thanks.

Mark: Up to the coaches. Then what do you think about that, captain? Is that possible? Is it? Is it possible that song about guns that tone really wants?

Chris: Alright, it's what it is. Yeah, like years and years ago I made this song about nuns, but it's a bit. It's a bit. On the violent.

**Mark: Side ohh. Violent.

Chris: Not so much. No, I don't need so. Much start, but just. Like it's it's clearly a comedy song. But it's a bit hard to sing in your house at night without people getting concerned. That's quite a lot of screaming, screaming involved in it. Never ever tried. To do a kind of quiet version of it.

Speaker 11

I'm quite intrigued about it.

Chris: Not sure about 15 years. I saw it a few times about 15 years ago, right? He used to be in a band in Leeds and his lads proper dog his flock. And we used to go to this pub on the way after rehearsals, and there was a you could get up and do one. So so I got up and I thought I'll do the longest song I. Can possibly do to take the place. So I made this ridiculous song about nuns, but like goes on literally for like ******* hours and hours so.

Mark: What about? What about bring back that special brew?

Chris: I could try doing the nun song. I can't. Even really remember how? It goes.

Mark: We'll what we'll what it bring. Bring back that special brew. Or the only good thing? About or one of the other.

Chris: This to. Whether or not. I can do the nuns on myself now.

Speaker 15

One night I was. Tuned in and you must have seen my name come up. And you. Started doing this really great song about it. My pet rocky, there was about this dog pet and you were just going on and it was so funny, my pet rocky, but I don't know if you'll ever remember. I think it was an improv.

**Guest: I've never.

Chris: The thing with me is I don't know what I'm going to say before I've said it and I don't know what I've said after I've said it. Which imagine not many judges and. Stuff believe that either.

Speaker 14

But you know what?

Speaker

You live in.

Speaker 15

The moment. So ultimately you're kind of, you're kind of, that's what.

Speaker 14

What? What? What about?

Mark: What about doing a song about last year? You could win a song, you could make up a song about the last year and how it's how it's. How what it's like being captain hot knives in COVID.

Speaker 15

What are they saying, walls?

Mark: Is normal.

Speaker 15

I thought the thin walls was. A really good you said I've. Got really thin walls and I thought. All you could do really quite one about thin walls.

Chris: That's not about walls, but I've got a really short one, but it's quite silly. There's this proper short this one. If I remember the. I was gonna write a song about chronic self doubt, but I don't know if I should write a song about overthinking everything. But then I thought, I don't know if I should.

Speaker 11

I thought two people might not like it.

Chris: I was gonna write a song about chronic acrophobia, the kind that keeps me from ever going outside. I ordered some skis on the Internet. I'm never gonna wear them. I'm never gonna wear them. I'm a Nagra phobic explorer. I want to go to the North Pole but I can't get to the shop. I was going to write a song about the intrusive thoughts. That song about memory loss and absence seizures. Well, I think my for sure. About right, once I had seizure later on the train, I was on the way to support Chaz and Dave when I was on this train to. Manchester I started having a fit.

Mark: Oh God, you are supporting Chaz and Dave. That's a name draw name. You call that Lady.

Mark: Sorry. Sorry, ma'am. Continue.

Chris: Even though you had a thing. For that.

**Guest: Yeah. No, we.

Mark: We we do it, show it, show it to Robin.

Speaker

I'm going.

Mark: And that's Denny's boy made that. It's called the name drop.

Chris: Well, anyway I was on. The way to support them so I. Was a bit excited. And I was on the train and I started having this fit, but my body was stuck like under the table bit and my head was braying. On the window. And the other people on the train, they didn't really know what to do. So they got the ticket with me. As I've pointed out to me. Now I could hear. And see. But I couldn't talk back. To him, properly. And she just. Does this thing. She goes the first thing she thought to do. Was put her hand onto my. Shoulder see if you. Touch someone when they're fitting. It's like an electric shock for them.

Guest: Oh, is it?

Chris: Yeah, it makes it a lot worse for them because you adding more stimulus cause the brains over. Stimulated to the point where it's fitting. So you didn't you own something else to deal with by the? Hand on the problems that feel. Like an actually shot so. Oh yeah.

Chris: I've been hearing people grab at me when I'm. And then as well, if I'd have had the chance to say to her what it is, right love in the 90s, I got put on these meds, which years later I've got side effects of uncontrollable movements and seizures. And the best thing you could do is leave me alone. If that would have come out of. My mouth that might have. Been one thing, but what come out of my mouth? Just grabbed my shoulder. Was **** ***, you ****. So I saw. I saw a face go from ambulance to British Transport Police straight away. Right to. The Count's ******* great the count. So I got gripped by two fellas while I'm off the seizure, which is really dangerous cause it's it's pumping up the seizure.

Speaker 11

That's interesting. Well, I.

Chris: They can kill you doing that. So I'm trying to get our.

Speaker 15

Mind everyone should know this.

Chris: I'm trying to jet down mine trip. These two British Transport Police to not kill me. And to also not search me.

Speaker 13

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Chris: I had had issues of the legal nature in my pocket.

Speaker 13

Like he.

Chris: So I thought you had to just sort of convincing him to that. I was just like harmless. Breakdancer just a bit. And great dancing and, you know, try to get down to the gig for chess. And there so I'm honest to get there, but I've missed most of the time for the sound. And then the guy said to me the promoter was will occur and says to me. You can have anything you want from behind the bar. Just ask them. Just say what you want and you get it, so it's just on instinct. I just asked them for six pints of Guinness and six double vodkas and. The woman's looking at. Me. Like who? Were these for? There's only one of you in the band and. I'm like the. It's going. Why do you need that much and said, look, I've gotta go on in 10 minutes. I need to get drunk. So I'm down to six points and the six double vodkas and then they had man to sound check and the first thing the guy behind the desk done, he switched. On a straw. When does that happen?

Speaker 11

Ohh no.

Chris: Just like too much great dancing in one day. And I'll bloods. That well, I've made a song about it. Not exactly about that kind of thing. It, yeah.

Chris: Yeah, it's called a seizure. Right.

Chris: Here we go. If you see.

Chris: Me, I'm not looking a little strange. Don't be concerned. It's just my mind is me range. And if I fall down and start break dancing on.

Speaker 11

The floor just put.

Chris: Flash, flash, flash on the flash, so it looks like I'm just flashing. I don't need medical assistance. I just need some beats seizure, seizure, seizure, seizure.

Chris: She's your maid to Haven.

Chris: And if you grab me by my wrist and tell me to stop twitching. I won't be able. To the battery will be putting me into. Which will make me some more. The worst thing? You could do is kneel on me on. The floor so. If you see me.

Speaker 13

And I had two little strange dreams. Big concern.

Chris: It's just my hand. It's me. Range do not. Fire break dancing on the floor. Just put. Just put Grandmaster Flash on. Maybe some early doctor pay?

**Mark: If you are feeling.

Chris: All romantic baby.

Guest: Just wait for me to drop.

Chris: Plenty of room for one more, right?

Chris: And if the washing needs to be. Just put me in the bath. And stick some hot windows. You should be up in the season. Hey. Hey.

Chris: But every now and. Then people say to me, captain hot knives. And fat mad ****. We'd like you to sing us something nice. But I've never done anything nice. I have certainly never doing anything that you say.

**Mark: He even got anywhere close.

Chris: Sorry, Tina Turner, another Tina Turner. One's getting ruined now. I left a good job in 1992, went for a long weekend.

Guest: I didn't get.

**Mark: Back to work.

Chris: On Monday morning, cause pills were really strong back then. It was seventeen years later and I was at a. Job interview you said what you've.

Speaker 13

Been doing, doing, doing, doing, doing, doing.

Chris: Purchase burn on it. You're gone. Everyone's gotta whistle. Except me. My hands are busy with the whiff. Around about 1990. Five, I think I'd been sectioned again. I was certainly. In an environment where.

Chris: You couldn't have any reasons from a four hour maguna smoke. Had a bit of stodgy black in the bottom of my sock and. A bit of back. Rolling rolling in the hospital. I had no business. I thought. But then I found the Gideon. Bible pages were nice and. They would stick together quite well. Smokes my way through Exodus. In the book. Of job I was rolling.

Chris: Smoking with the Bible with the Bible.

Chris: Thank you. La La.

Mark: Mark. Captain. Hot knives? Absolutely.

Chris: I've got a little time off of everybody else though, to still some other guests to come on.

Mark: Yeah, I mean, well, what does wipe out the link in the comments we've got, we we have got one more guest that's not coming up yet, but I'm gonna. Put the link of. The comments if you want to give us a song, this is your chance. This is the link to click if you would like to give us a strong lose lose looking bra love. Petra Love baby doll. Well, bloody hell, stop it, says Mark and. Paul says freestyle breaks dance. They're supporting Chaz and Dave.

Speaker 13

If you.

Mark: Sharon says I'm back upstairs, horizontal. My best friend Rudy, got use through the Bluetooth cause I'm ******* cool nuns to the plane, captain. He's not giving up. Doing is not giving up the best thing the Bible has ever been used for, says Paul's super absurd. Brilliant. Nuns please, says catrice. Almost as good as kissing Valentino by a crystal blue Italian.

Speaker 11

Alright, well when we.

Speaker 15

Do that. I love that song.

Mark: Please, captain, do the nuns says Tone, please, captain, do the nun, please. Captain, do the nun. You could do a quieter version.

Speaker

We could ribbing you.

Mark: I'll try, I'll try.

Speaker

We could.

Chris: I can only try.

Speaker 14

Go and do.

Mark: Like, really wants a song, so I don't.

Chris: I know I get it. I get it. I haven't.

Mark: And sub.

Chris: Bought it for about 15 years so I don't remember how it goes much, but I'll do. My best right?

Mark: It's for you, Tom.

Chris: I might have to ridiculously. Overlap the faces instead of being. So this is for time. It has to be a lot of it. A lot of times. A worse walking home one night in the Rocky Mountains of America. I'd gone there on a backpacking holiday, but I realised. It was time to Jack in backpacking Ohh ship.

Chris: It was boring.

Chris: So I thought I'm gonna get.

**Mark: A lift.

Chris: Thought this I said to my mate **** backpacking, I'm getting a lift to the nearest town and I'm gonna get high and I took the last acid tub out of my rucksack. A double dipped strawberry. I took it out of the clingfilm, necked it and I. Stood by the side of those. So then I still called my phone.

Speaker 13

I was hoping for a lift.

Chris: On the road in the Rocky Mountains of America. Over the hill came a greyhound boss. What the boss? Saw me. He pulled to the stop, but the bus was.

Chris: They were on their way to anones convention. There were thin nuns. They were far. They were nuns with glasses.

Chris: There was nuns. With little mustaches, the boss was full of nuts. ******* trust my luck. So I sat at the back. Trying to mind my own business. Hoping the journey would be uneventful and that pretended. To be asleep while I started.

Chris: To come up on the. Acid one of them offered me a sandwich.

Chris: It was egg. Leave it out. Thank you, but.

Speaker

No, you're all right. And it was all going well on the bus.

Chris: Everything was fine. Start to slow into a nice vibe though. Actually this is better than backpacking. I'll just deal with this non non filled boss for a while till I get to the next town and get some. More drugs. Everything will be grabbed. For everything's just nice and calm right now. Then the driver died of a heart attack from the bus carrying from side to side. Nose was feeling it was. ******* with my reading all.

Chris: The nuns were screaming, screaming. But don't worry. I'll drive. I seen it on.

Chris: TV it doesn't look that dangerous. So I push the dead body of the. Driver to one side. I've got into his.

Chris: Seat and I wished he hadn't pleased himself. As he died but thought.

Chris: You could see the nuns are feeling positive and good. Save the nuns are feeling positive and good. I don't mind the **** on my pants. Then save the nuns even have a chance steering wheel off the bus. It can't be that dangerous. All I need to.

Chris: Do is prevent the nuns getting killed? And then I thought I haven't had any driving. Lessons and the bus crashed down. A ravine. All the nuns were killed and smashed to smithereens. The nuns were killed and maimed, smashed, burned on fire with broken glass. The nuns were killed and destroyed and killed. And compute.

Chris: But not me. I got off start free. There was not so much as a paper on me. Even the null the nuns have spent their. Lifetime praying to God every day. When it came down to the accidental crash of the bus, they were all destroyed, but not me. Oscar must have been because of my Saint Christopher medal. The one I got after my granddad died because he's the petrostate. I've tried other words. I looked at the nuns. They were all burnt and. Fried and the sheriff turned up and he said, what the hell happened here? So I said.

Chris: I don't know. I'm just walking past. My name's Mark McGee. I'm from Costco, I said.

Chris: I must have an accent. Is a muscle accent. And I sold it where? I lived, which was faster. And then I said I've got to. Go, lads. I'm.

Chris: Scottish and it's saying Andrew's there and. Your wife sucking the. Baby and I. Need to get back to.

Chris: So I decided never. To go on holiday again. The following year there was a really. Good deal on a trip to Nepal. I've always wanted to go there. I thought I might meet the Dalai Lama, or possibly.

Speaker

A Yeti.

Chris: So I went to Nepal to the Himalayan mountains. But it was ******* freezing. I couldn't get any ******* reception on my phone. There were no decent toilets. And it was less than ******* Glastonbury. I'm ******* hanging this ******* trekking holiday. I could do with the lift. So I'll put on my distress flares. They're a pair of flares. I only ever. Wear and I'm distressed. They are bright orange. You can see why. I don't wear them.

Chris: During my distress flares were spotted by a helicopter. He let down a rope ladder and a. Client on board. But the helicopter was full of nuts.

Chris: They were disabled. Nuns going to a disabled nuns convention. Disabled on top of. Mount Everest.

Chris: Just my ******* love. This another ******* vehicle full of nuns. What's the chances? I'll try and. Keep the head down this time. More heroics. And one of the.

Chris: Nuns offered me as a mother. But I wasn't hungry. So I said no, thanks, love. And it was. All going OK in the helicopter full.

Chris: Of disabled mums. I was just. Chilling out when the driver died, the pilot died. Of a heart attack. Not again. They got to side going upside down towards the volcano.

Chris: Screaming, screaming, screaming. I thought I must. Be dreaming.

Chris: Screaming, screaming, screaming. And it was ******* with my reading. They were terrified, I said. Don't really. I'll pile up the chopper.

Chris: How difficult can it be if the air team can? Do it. I felt like Mr. T.

Chris: As of course the dead body of the pilot. To one side thought how.

Chris: Hard. Can it be to? Pilot a helicopter.

Speaker

For a guy.

Chris: With involuntary movement and no helicopter train. What could go wrong? I thought roles I. Don't get stressed. Because that's when I tend to have these voluntary movements and seizures. I should be fine flying this helicopter full of disabled guns above this volcano should be grand, but then crash the helicopter into the volcano. All the guns. Killed again, burnt, fried, burned and killed. A man killed. Men killed, burned, mashed. Covered in broken glass and generally destroyed. But not me. I walked away Scott free in the wreckage. I even found a tarp and ******* thermal slice full of tea. Walked away from the burning. Helicopter the nuns were burning in the wreckage of the Helicon. Could see their faces twisted in internal agony, burnt to death. Oh drying their last.

Chris: Breath, even after all.

Chris: That lifetime of servitude to Jesus Christ and.

Speaker

I had never.

Chris: Been to mass since about 1981, but I thought so. Christopher metal. Let me Nana gave me. She said that we needed it. Most out of all. The family belonging to my granddad and he.

Chris: Started before him. Who was a travelling musician? OK.

Chris: Survived another disaster. For lennons the. Police came once and Louie guns said what you've been doing with their nuns. I said it were their fault. Anyway, my named Mark McGee live in Glasgow told. Him the address. And then. If I remember.

Speaker

And then.

Chris: I've got on the donkey and ****** off. See, it does go on long. That's the only the 1st 2 verses. That's why I didn't do it in a gig, but cause Tom asked for it. So many times I thought. Go on. Cause it's a small. Enough gig to get away with it, I think. What do you mean?

Chris: Just once. They want masala. Hope you won the whole Jerry sending them and won the ******* lottery. Ohh, well, I think young fathers will everything next the World Cup, Eurovision and that. I should put that around my face from 10 years ago. The lovely lucky *******. If you need all the me up right with the doorman, wouldn't you let me back and say that Scottish album of the Year? You mean you don't know me? You stole my idea. Album of the year album over here.

Speaker

I just.

Chris: Years ago today, The Beatles made the white. Album last year. Actually kill me is this leadership, that question, what's the problem? I had some problematic I somehow accidentally used my own accent. I don't see Glens and mountains I. Will wait more too romantic. But for maybe I can add a wee try. I can be 3/2. I would never. Leave you cause my postcode is G2. You should cross your eyes and Tees. Watch your peas and yours. And more DIY B&Q to fill out a form. On that day, I'll be seeing you. Come on, let me in your wee club. How can I be drunk up with the barrel and ballroom when they help me naked? 2 * 3 * 4.

**Mark: I don't care if you play for the LA Lakers. You're too drunk to finish your beer.

Chris: You don't know who it. Is I'm asking you to leave. Please, it's Jack of trades. The peoples champion. Never heard of you.

Speaker

Oh my God. Do you do go?

Chris: Yes, I am. Jackal trades. Ohh good. Can you settle this tab before you leave then? Finish my beer too drunk to finish my beer album of the Year. All Steve Jobs didn't.

**Guest: Your phone call.

**Mark: She called that radio. I don't know if Garry's may be. But we just watched Captain hot knives. Do the nuns song. That was for Tony.

**Guest: It was very simple life.

**Mark: Who? Who? Tone asked. For it repeatedly after, not they. Hadn't said it.

Chris: Gary, I love your Gary.

Speaker 10

Song, I think it's brilliant. Before you go, I just.

**Guest: Well, thanks very much.

Speaker 10

Want you to know. Absolutely love it. It's brilliant.

**Guest: All mine tool appreciate mine. Just just remark for bigging up all the time as well. Man just. Well, what I did?

**Guest: Keeping it going.

**Mark: What I did, Gary, what I did, Gary and and what? I think everyone else should do is watching the show is I just tagged everyone in my my Facebook that was called. Gary in the video that's that gave it a wee push because everyone was called Gary loved it and shared. It so everybody and also was thinking this other day, I know actually know about 5 garries that are artists or poets or musicians. So I think that one days very soon and you call that ready, we'll do a thing called a night of Garry's. And then we'll just get everybody tagged that song.

Chris: Is one of them, Gary Dunsire.

Speaker 10

It's one of them.

**Guest: I can practically.

Speaker 10

Got it.

**Guest: Play it on guitar. So where I can where I can, where I can learn that where I'm pretty close to learning on guitar?

Chris: Have you got a guitar?

Speaker 10

What's it called?

Chris: You have a guitar.

Speaker 10

What's the cards? Is it easy?

**Guest: It's it's submission by the the Sense pistols, but I just made. That's almost yeah.

**Guest: I just, I don't really. Know the code. But like. It's pretty straightforward, like it's the same, it's. Well, well, cabin.

Speaker

Not like your hand.

**Mark: Playing it in the base captain is playing on the base cellar. No, I was playing Gary. I'll put it I'll put. This all on. Put this all.

**Guest: On hello, captain. What nice person.

Chris: Yeah, because I was playing this afternoon.

**Mark: Although I know that. Yeah, you were married and you well. Well remembered the captain. OK, let's just try this together.

Speaker

Call Gary end of the line where the world.

**Mark: OK, so I'm not gonna use that because it's gonna be out of time, but maybe Gary, the ball is could could sing over captain hot knives? That'd be cool, that'd. Be an exclusive.

**Guest: I've tried. Let's go.

**Mark: It looks like we could use an exclusive thing. It might not work because of. The way, but let's try it.

**Guest: I'm gonna call Gary and if you like, Gary. It's too hard. I think the delay delay.

**Mark: What's not? What's happening? It's not what's happening, it's what's happening.

**Guest: I don't know if. You can hear you can hear.

**Guest: I could not look clear now, just I. I I would destroy. It and waste it for when I could. Play it. You know, I.

**Mark: Well, there's like that.

**Guest: Mean if I tried to play it now.

**Mark: What I think is happening with Internet is see for example stream yard. It's streaming's amazing by the way. It's done as well over the last year, but see, for example, if I talk in Petra talks at the same time. Time it it just cancels. Each other out, so I think. When you try to rub along. To it. You can't hear him playing guitar anymore.

**Guest: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bye.

**Mark: It's annoying. It's annoying. The winner, I mean, surely ******** it's 2021, comma, not just jam live. Imagine if if you could just have jams here on you, call that radio TV it would. Be good, yeah.

**Guest: I'm sure you'll be away on a sure.

**Mark: Mate mate, I've I've looked into it. I don't know if. Everybody's got very expensive equipment. You can do it, but it's like a lot of hassle and a lot of. Equipment. Equipment that we. Don't have because we. We are dealing with the underground who don't have any money. We've got comments coming in.

Chris: What are captain?

**Mark: What nice favorite stand up comedians and what were his early influences?

Chris: Said Billy Connolly. Bill Hicks. Emma Phillips. I don't know if you ever saw him.

**Mark: I don't know that.

Chris: Looks like we came off, Alex. I don't know.

Chris: When I wouldn't saw this guy, Mike Hardy. When I was a little kid and my mum took us to see him at Bradford, Alhambra and he was ******* her. So I loved him. He had a guitar as well. He was ******* cool. What was the other other question?

**Mark: Earlier, earlier influences.

Chris: I think the first thing that ever made me want to play a guitar was the Sex Pistols. I just wanted to play the bass. I thought if Sid Vicious can do it, I can. Do it if you don't have any. You know, knees until. I said I was.

**Guest: They should actually play it at all.

Chris: Well, four of the four is in the band for for you.

**Guest: He played, he played, he played the Iceland played the well, though it's a mission. That song, apparently. Apparently he tried to, he's played it, but apparently was the other guitar played it.

Chris: Yeah. Yeah. Steve Jones. Was, but I didn't know that. As a kid. I just thought I thought I I thought I wanna be that guy. He looks like he's having a good crack and he's not.

**Guest: I said this. He's soaked articled dead man. Said vicious. If you watch all the videos, he's so charismatic. Have you seen the one? He's been interviewed that he takes his top. It's weird as hell, man.

**Mark: I think he had too much good crack though. That's the problem, Danny says, shouting to Gary and all the amazing foragers gallery is reeking of free wild garlic.

Speaker

You need you need.

**Guest: Oh, yeah, actually, that's another like.

**Mark: Gary, you need to meet Danny. That'd be a good one. A dream team.

Chris: Danny. Danny.

Chris: Mark and let's go somewhere. Have you been on?

Chris: A television programme before that about foraging.

**Guest: Yeah, I've been on. I've been on a. Few but check this night.

**Mark: It's one of the best reported. Just in the world, one of the best.

Chris: A few months ago, I was at my mates House and I was really in a shift stay at myself at the time or. Just I was. Really ******* ill for a long time and still pretty ******. But like, she's stuck on a programme and. I swear it was you. On it, Scottish woods is it.

**Guest: Was it or was it in the woods? Saying that I made them cut out of mushrooms. Do not.

Speaker

That guy.

Chris: Yes, a guy. Yes, Gary.

Chris: At the very start of lockdown, I said this jokingly, mark, when like none of us have been. In at like well pandemic before. And I said, you know, all the pandemic movies and contagion movies, who always survives Scottish punks. We are the only people have survived Scottish punks like.

Chris: Well, you also captain you. Told me on the run that you've got a theory. You've got a theory of the close it.

Chris: Somebody bound to survive in Glasgow cause there's no bug. In the world that. Can have Glasgow know what?

**Mark: You told me, captain hot knives. You told me that you think that you've got a theory about COVID that it started at the Bristol punk scene.

Chris: Yeah. Yeah. Punk germs. I reckon somebody's dreadlock punched a microphone cover that. I've been humans in 1980. Particularly bad bout of like punk flu when it moved, dirtied through several cutting users and and one of them wet market and booking Wuhan.

**Mark: I swear that I read that non story in viz. Says Karen. Here man.

**Mark: You can date my dad's funeral, captain. Great songs. Banjo bass do you do? Are you available for funerals?

Chris: Well, I have some that some people's works, but actually like people have known. But it's really hard to do.

**Mark: Well, that's a good game. Must a good games. I must have fun, man. It introduces properly because Mark Mark's a. Good count.

Chris: And maybe the most thing did come out of this story.

Speaker

Somebody just put.

Chris: A comment that they thought they heard the. Story in face. Maybe that's where it came from and. It just, yeah.

**Guest: Do you know the song outcomes, Stanley, that? Actually, Andy came up that I hear from biz.

**Mark: Is that is true? Well, well, I played the gig way. So Garry's in a band called the Jackie Bites. And then I was. I didn't reset that well.

Chris: Want to check it right?

**Mark: And after the reset, the Jacobites, right, man, they've got album called the Worst Band in the world. And that's based on a review that I played that and it was the, the reviewer said they are the worst people in the world, the worst people in the world. And that's the name of the album. And I was.

Speaker

A bit.

Chris: Harsh, but it's a bit.

Chris: No, I got.

**Mark: I got a wee bit of a good review on it, they said, and then this guy came on and he seemed like he knew he was doing, but it went back down to an outcome. Stanley, it's a very controversial song. Not gonna play it tonight, but I think you'd like it. I think you'd like it. Captain, I've got. I've got.

Chris: Yeah, I think. We should do you know? If we all survive this.

Speaker

Do it.

Chris: I think I should just like I think I should just move to Glasgow you feel. How long?

**Mark: Mate, I'd love you to push. Me. Where are you?

Speaker 10

Oh, I thought you were. In Glasgow, you're in.

Chris: No, I wish.

Speaker 10

I'm in there. I'm on the East Coast near Tammy Minecrap.

**Mark: Cammie, who's on? Yeah, we'll, we'll, I'll tell you what, man. You know that you're always welcoming Glasgow. The people of Glasgow love you and you've already got your pals like James who will knit you a big Celtic scarf jumper anytime you need.

Chris: It that was my. That was my bus Carmel that made me that. Bumper and I gave it to him.

**Mark: Alright, you OK?

Chris: Well, I'm not. I'm not. Committed, I thought James was much bigger than what he was. And I give him his jumper. And he looked like a little teddy bear. Little Teddy bear lost inside it. You know, you remember people from when you passed anything big ******* like that, James. And then I give.

**Guest: There you go.

Chris: Him. I give him this. Jumper and it's not that he's that little, but. Simple with the way way. Big, but he's still.

**Mark: I've got the. I've got the picture, man, I've got. The picture so people can.

Chris: But my main Carmel next them. Jumpers, they're proper like.

Speaker 10

They're like hump jumpers, if they're. Stripping, they're like jumper.

Chris: No, no, no.

Chris: It's a great job, man.

Chris: But I'm releasing all pull, Camel went on the road with the damn, which was about 15 and all that.

**Mark: Tonsing, thank you for playing the nuns song.

Chris: Thank you for saying it. I've not dared seeing that for I do. Think I got a bit of. A knock on. The wall partway through it off, my next floor, but I don't know.

**Mark: Well, well, Mark says he would love you as a neighbour, so you're welcome in Glasgow anytime, mate. You're any camera says I'm far too buckled at the police mountain toilet situation in Glastonbury. That caught me off guard. A got a what was it? That we've read that one. So we've got, I skyped my Mamma police captain. That'd be a really good way to end it. I think we should do that and love Billy love, Billy Connolly sketch with Scottish regiments. That's true.

**Mark: Freaking out Afghani smoking hash March and playing the bagpipes. Bob Campbell wants glue. Another captain hot knives. Classic. Country program on BBC says Tam Pam, how you doing Tam hope you're. Well, I will see you this week. And racist animals, Captain T says tone. So I think you got. The choice between.

Chris: I'm gonna have to. Do that is, if it's alright with you, mark. I think would it be alright to come back? Sooner than another year.

**Mark: Yeah, mate, I'd love to do this. Once a month, I think.

Chris: Yeah, like, again, because I could see a lot of the other songs in the next one cause what's happened to me today is I'm doing alright with it. But you.

**Mark: You've done brilliant, man.

Chris: Know the the.

**Mark: You've done amazing.

Chris: Backs of my lungs are. Proper hurting me now and I'm.

**Mark: Yeah. OK, well.

Chris: Just. I'm not. I'm I'm. Reading out a bit of steam now.

**Mark: OK, man.

Chris: Being on this show for about four hours. Stop light.

**Mark: No, it's more than that, man. It's midnight. It's after midnight. It's like 7555 and 1/2 hours. No, it's not past elections.

**Guest: No, it's not after.

**Mark: And ma'am, I'm sorry, I've. Not I've not, I've not.

Chris: How long is this time? Plenty left. OK, well, well.

**Mark: Do you have? Do you have? Do you have I? Skype my Mama left in. You or will we? Will we do something else to finish it?

Speaker 10

For another song, if you want.

**Mark: Petra will do another song while you think about it, Petra.

Chris: Take it away. Take it.

Speaker 10

Away, Petra. This is a song about my friend called Donnie and I was walking down the town one day and I saw him and he didn't see me and he was. Looking, he was in the record store. And he was talking to himself. But in a really. Angry way. But he didn't see me and. I saw him.

Chris: Little Donny, take a walk downtown. He keeps his head to the.

Speaker 10

Ground because he's trying not to think out. Loud shades on his head is.

Chris: Taking like a time bomb. He's a dream. He lives in the woods where the boat.

Speaker 10

Went on narrow and a.

Chris: Quiver like a real Robin Hood. That's traps kills in the kill zone. Four sets traps he. Kills in the kill zone. Johnny, don't go to war. Don't do what Donny wanna do. No, Donny, don't. Go to war. Don't do what Donny wanna do. No, no. We live in the fast lane. Kills when we can't see. We're packing rockets hang guns. We lived in the fast lane kill zone. You can see we're popping bullets and bombs. We live in the fast lane kill zone. When your days.

Speaker

Were just a.

Chris: Walk in the park pack. And Scooby snacks in case the Mad Dog fart to you. Then you could.

Speaker 10

Bring them to.

Chris: Heel and head home. You're better off. Baby chilling in your chill zone. Tony, don't go to war. Don't do what daddy wanna do. Put the gun back under the floorboards. Boy, this is not the time to get serious. We live in the fast lane, Killzone. We can see we're packing rockets and guns. We live in the fast lane, Killzone. You can see we're popping bullets and bombs. We live in the fast lane kill zone.

Chris: When your days.

Chris: Were just a walk in the hill. With a bag of cheap pills, you go looking for the big breakthrough. What's new? Kicking in the space-time zone. Then we could warp the space-time. Donnie, don't go to war. Don't do what daddy wanna do. Put the gun back under the floorboards. Boy, this is not. The time to get serious. We live in the fast lane Killzone. You can see we're piping rockets and guns. We live in the fast lane, kills all we can see. We're popping bullets and bombs. We live in the fast lane kill zone. We're all living in the fast lane, kills home.

Speaker 10

That was the song about my friend Donnie, who was going crazy in the Perth High Street. It's one of my best friends. And what else can I tell you about that? I was going to the. Yeah, no fish pecking at like like Mom. Mark, mark.

**Mark: Mark is not when the market's not done a Shiite. In about a year.

**Guest: Alright, that's funny. When you you leave, you stuck there. You don't. Know where you're like.

**Mark: No, the shift in a year.

Speaker 10

I know I'm usually interrupting. And butting in. And then then you. Get it? And you're.

Speaker 10

Like ah, what was that again?

**Mark: Mark says nice one petrocanada emojis, but love.

Speaker 10

Thanks mark.

**Mark: Talking to yourself, sometimes only time you can get a sensible. Conversation my mum. Told me that.

Speaker 10

That's what my granny.

Speaker

Used to say.

**Mark: Don't start that **** you're wrapping up. It's early. Yes. Petra Eshchar says by the way, that a great sense of captain Hot night songs and counted 104 unique captain Hot Knife Songs on YouTube. So cheers for all the laughs, 100. And four mate. 104 songs. That is found on.

Chris: Could could. Could I ask to send send me a link to that? Cause that. What happens to me is the best ones I ever do. They only happen once. Like you're being a magic moment in your party with just a few people and. You go off on a little. Or train for and it also do gigs with. I wish I could get her to come on the show with us. Should I ask her? I I do a double act sometimes. With my mates.

**Mark: The fat Panthers.

Chris: No, I was thinking of Jess to let Sarah.

**Mark: Tourette's hero.

Chris: Because what we do is cause we've both got ******* ticks and involuntary things. That's what we say, but we set each other off really badly but it, but I turn it into songs while it's happening.

**Mark: Yeah, alright.

Chris: I've got this song called Bob The Amazing Sheepdog. And then when I first met Jess, she's come came up to us and she's like chipping in. Bits. Her, her. Ticks started to contribute to the song and she started going on about bears bears in spandex in bed with. Your mum's verse where Bob coming back? Home and his mum was in bed with all these bears and he's like what? Mum, you've been in shame and family. But like go to get me. And her could get on here, Mark.

**Mark: You know.

Chris: Rivers are going to say, and we can't rehearse, cause we've got. Turrets. So you're. You're logically incapable of ever doing anything to say them twice.

Speaker 10

It sounds like a winning. Concept to me.

**Mark: Captain, you're. You're welcome any any time. OK.

**Mark: Anytime on the show. Please don't make it a year, man. Can't handle it I want.

Chris: Not on purpose really. I did get really sick.

**Mark: I know you got sick. You got your long COVID just just a wee shout. Out to people who think that. Covid's not real.

Chris: Worse, I got wide COVID worse than long COVID markets working.

**Mark: Wait, wait. This ****.

Chris: Like wide, it's broad. It's broader than Broadway.

**Mark: And captain, what names? Ladies and gentlemen, I think we should give him a round of applause. And if you enjoyed Captain Wattage tonight, you should also go and download his stuff on the van. I'm gonna put a wee advert up for that, captain. dot band. Camp dot. You're you're an inspiration to us all, man. And I'm so glad that you're getting wet. You're getting better. You're getting well. You've been very ill after long COVID or wide COVID, Broadway, COVID or whatever you caught you've done. You're it's good to see you coming out the other side, man. We love you so much. And everyone watching this does as well and. I don't know they will be finishes. Ice tank. My Nana I think. But if you've got the energy to.

Chris: Do that.

Speaker 10

Is that?

Chris: I've got another one. I've got another one before that.

Speaker 10

Captain, have you COVID have you? Had your COVID job, captain.

Chris: Yeah, it was only a year after catching it.

**Mark: But is it has it? Has it improved your Wi-Fi? Is Bill Gates is Bill Gates. Following you around.

Chris: Phone number for asking now.

Speaker 10

I got my appointment today.

**Guest: Hey, mark. Office, my first one.

Chris: I'm glad you got.

Speaker 10

It you don't look old enough, Daddy.

**Guest: Just to say that they did it. Don't know why.

**Mark: Well, well, Garry's got his own issues going on. He gets, he gets, he jumps secure. Don't judge someone based on their age is what I'd say. OK.

Chris: Woman and she used to be the Northern Ireland secretary. She was working back in the day to get people into the peace process. No more. I know woman that she used to be another, my little secretary. Even though she was ill and she knew she's gonna die, still hung around with the wrong man and she helped him that Friday at me. When there was a little boy, when when he left his next door with the bike chapter and there are different cigarettes, different cigarettes to him in the cigarettes, I noticed that they were quite different. She left us every day with the bikers next door while she went cleaning pubs in the afternoon. She was a. Poor mom. She did have no cash, no. She was on.

Chris: The boom. And notice that the bike has smoked different cigarettes. In fact, they seem to make theirs. In a different way, they're all rolled up. They just seem to roll. They just seem to roll. These three reasons are little per while and after they've been smoking them all day and they were always hungry. They're always really and we'd always watch scooby-doo. But they've. Ruined it when Scrappy Doo came in. Do you know why they did that, Mrs. Signed a deal with Hanna Barbera. To take the Leech the last 20 minutes, happiness off of working class children. That was it. That was. One happy bit you had all week. And then Scrappy Doo turns up like ******* Ian Paisley on a ******* coming down, banging on about ******* how good he was at boxing. And **** ***, you little punk.

Speaker

Strange food about. You called that. Thank you.

Speaker

You called them.

**Guest: The only person.

Chris: I hate scrappy Doo. Strap it. In like.

Chris: Ohh can you play the scooby-doo? It's perfect.

Speaker 10

In tune for.

**Mark: The scrappy do I? I don't. I don't understand the hate, but I like the hate. I like the hate the I like the fact that people hate him. I think I was. Too young, I think that Scrappy Doo was always. Part of scooby-doo in a. Weird way for me.

Chris: Ohh it's a you humans 3 scratching theirs.

**Mark: Yeah, right.

**Guest: Yeah, both. I was like.

Chris: There was both both.

**Guest: Wait, let me let me.

**Mark: Gary, Gary.

Chris: Got it, got it.

**Mark: Gary, would you like to do a wee poem before? Before, captain. What knives closes the night with which we assume he's gonna be ice skate? We've got lots of comments coming in saying well done, Captain. Round of applause. Cool base. Look forward to seeing this one live. Got my first Jag a week today. Got my first on Sunday. Gubbed on Monday. And Tuesday when you get off a bloody. Take it so good. This is Mark and and this has made my night. I have to admit, thanks for the lift. I'm glad that everyone's enjoying the show tonight. It seems like most people tuned in and lots of people whatever make money. If one person said up the patron just one person, it's patreon.com forward slash. You call that radio. And we don't have any adverts, don't have any sponsor, don't any funding. It's if you want to keep it going. That means that if someone signs up tonight, that means someone else's skin can just. Jump out and it continues. I've got.

Speaker 10

Gary, in your mind you've got. I've got.

**Mark: No, you you paid for the. Year before, you were an annual subscriber. So you're alright till November. You're alright.

Speaker 10

Ohh cool cause. Yeah, because I remember I had PayPal trouble and then I went on to the credit card thing and then I went to PayPal.

**Mark: You saying that for the other? You were a you were an annual subscriber, although you did delete it, which is stupid because now you might miss out in the raffles because it raffles.

Speaker 10

No, I'm gonna reinstall. I'll. Reinstall it, it's fine.

**Mark: It doesn't mark. Petra, I appreciate you for supporting the show. I appreciate everyone supporting the show. Honestly, there's no way that we could have done. This without people throwing. A couple of quid a month because otherwise I was ****** and there's no way that I could get the green screen that isn't working the night but. The camera, the. Computer, it's all people power that's made this happen and hopefully everyone's. Found some goodness or found a new artist at the last year? What it's all about. And I I love these all things much.

Speaker 10

Good stuff.

**Mark: Yeah, it's. I definitely think that we're we're doing better. We're doing something and I and I'm glad that everyone's. Then Gary, do you have a thing you could do for before it's before me do the the final captain.

**Guest: Trying to allow. I don't. I don't. I don't think I've finished it. But like, I'll try it anyway. Just a small.

Chris: I'm not a small home.

**Mark: It'll be good. Will be good money.

**Guest: They when I finish, I'll say that's it.

**Mark: Who got it?

**Guest: It's called fate. It's ********, mate. Honestly, fate. It's made day-to-day. No set pathy fate. It's wherever we could. Hey, fate. So you were meant to be. So you were meant to be here today. Listening, baby, go away now. Come back to me. Fate. Your body's guided by your mind. Maybe. No, it's not.

**Mark: Amazing, Gary. Rolling stock.

**Guest: Let me do it. I've got I've got. A tiny bee short. One that I like.

**Mark: Go for it. Go for it, man. Take your. Time do something.

**Guest: No, it's. I can see it. Just called fate. Ohh fight. There's fight. It's there taking my fat body around. It's in me taking energy from somewhere and taking my fat body around. That's that one.

**Mark: One question I want to ask. You is. It's interesting that you've had your vaccine when, a year ago, everyone was calling you paranoid and mental and all that stuff when you were saying covid's real. So why is it that you are? Well, you took the faction. Basically, I'd be just interested to. Hear your opinion on that.

**Guest: I don't know. They just ask me. I was wanting my dad to get it. No, I mean my dad got it. I think my brothers get my brother. Just got it there on Thursday, but I'm he's older than me. I don't know why they just asked if I want to get it and I and I said yeah. No, man.

**Mark: So you don't think that Bill Gates is putting microchips? On us to to. May get boost their Wi-Fi signal or anything like that.

**Guest: No chance. No, I don't. I don't think anything like that. No, no conspiracy theorist. You know, I mean, I just.

Chris: They said they said a year.

**Mark: Ago they were saying you were the conspiracy theorist. This is why I find it really interesting.

**Guest: No. What what happened was. I would just sort of like poisonous gas escaping and if you didn't put a. Mask on you can you. Get away for this poisonous gas and and and. And all the. All the time I was in hospital and all the time I came out, I kind of figured that and everybody was wiped in their shopping and I was. Winded in my? Shopping and I was being mega careful. And I still I still I'm mega careful. No, I mean, I was telling everybody know, he touched their face. And I hated seeing people touch their face. No, I mean but. I definitely didn't over over 40, but it was better to be safe than sorry. I was thinking at the time. Let's just be safe and stop everything. I was. I was. I was buying. One in the in that. First show you know what I mean. You're buying.

**Guest: Kids that were so.

**Mark: It's it's. It's like if you watched the back the first show we Gary was on and you know Gary was on. The show before. Then they did a show live at the. Hospital and you were buying one man? I mean, that's it. I mean, obviously overthinking is is a is, is, is dangerous as well. But at the same. Time what you said was bang on.

**Guest: Yeah, I couldn't see why he was just saying, wash your hands. At first there was like no one then they then there was a. The they they were. Still having the football and they. Were still having the Cheltenham Gold Cup. And I used to lived in Cheltenham. And the member. But it was like. You know what I mean? The streets. Were lined to all these shows of. People coming down. It so I was really paranoid. But I don't know but. But but I was I was delusional in lots. Of other ways, no, I mean, but.

**Mark: Yeah, yeah, man. But we'll carry. It's absolute pleasure to have you back the other night, man. And it's so good that your poetry. Please do check out Gary the ******** on YouTube in band camp. And thank you, Petra, for joining us as well tonight. It's been great to speak to you, Petra. Any final words before we get captain hot knives to close the show. Any final words, Peter?

Speaker 10

I've had a great time meeting you guys hanging out, you know. It's just like the real thing, almost like the real thing.

**Mark: Almost not the real thing. Thank you very much, Petra. And we're gonna finish with a captain. Hot knives song. Thank you so much, Captain. Thank you, Gary. Thank you, Petra. Thank you all all the night everyone is.

**Guest: Thanks. Thanks.

**Mark: I've I've really enjoyed it and it it feels like it's been a a long year, but it feels good that to see it's all alive and well and everyone's doing good and then thank you Carrie. Thank you, Petra. Thank you. Everyone has tuned in tonight as well. Thank you to all the patrons. We could not do it without you, and we're going to leave it with the captain. Hot knives. It's his night. And it's saying we're gonna finish a song. I think he's got a song ready for his. Captain, take it away to to close the. The year a year it's been a year. Been a year. Thanks for it's coming back.

Chris: Opt in message. You talk he's amazing.

Chris: He's a genius. He could do things, but the sheepdogs could not do.

Chris: He could do things he was good. With a pool cue, he. Was a pool shark. He was a bull shark sheepdog. He was a sheepdog with the skills. Are playing against a Pearl, he. Bought all the. Rules he was. Looking cool, he was genuinely he was. He was amazing, sheepdog. Things other she just would not.

Chris: Do he could do predictive text. He could look at a piece of cannabis resin. Chop off 3.5 grams. Exactly. Blindfold with one.

Chris: Behind his back. He was the man, he said. He was the. Man, that she.

Chris: Took what his main source of income was. His pool sharks scum. And he was very good.

Chris: Andy went into Skipton on the Wednesday when the farmers were in spending their. And he challenged him to a game of pool, and the farmers thought he's. A ********. He's a ******* dog. You'll never win. And he let them win. A few lightful shots too. Life contracts to you. Optimizing. Optimizing, she took, he let the farmers win all the games, and then he said, pretending to be ******, pretending to be ******, he said, let's put £20.00 on the last frame, farmers. Laughed at 1:00. He thought he. Was a nut.

Chris: Underestimated, which is what he wanted.

Chris: To do. He let them pop. After stripes. And he ate all of them. Then he sold. Them back took the. £40 he.

Chris: Ran off the back. Some lovely rocks of crack. Up to amazing, she talk. You could do things. You had a number of. Housing benefit claims. In a number of sheepdog names. He had his paws in more chicken coops in the past and preached about one day the farmer came home, he came home and on the table there was just a note. In Scratchy looking paw writing. Look like the.

Chris: Poor writing. Off a border collie.

Chris: Regret that now it was from Bob. And he said. Dear farmer. Two amazing for you have two amazing you taught me too well my friend. I've got your passwords. I've got your bank card. I've got your keys to your Range Rover and that's. My wife. Now I'm ******** her. Leg and now I'm shaking my leg.

Chris: She looks me shaking her. Like she looks so like.

Chris: Popped in and said. Pop the devious. She took up the whole interest. Where the rebellious, she told he.

Chris: Rebelled against the farmers that he was an animal.

Speaker

He had not teach me.

Chris: They took the farmer's Range Rover and. Drove it into. The pond, while being filmed by a duck.

Chris: For duct tube it got 20. Zillion hits on duck tube but became a. Duck millionaire. He was paid in feathers and he used the feathers. To make a built so warm. To sleep on Ben Nevis on the 3rd of December and. He was an. Amazing Sheep dog the things he could do. Quite amazing. Like you could get potassium. You could add it to nitrogen. Fling it in the bin. Stuff like that. He was clever.

Chris: They weren't like N for king. Labrador wasn't amazing. Orbit audio.

**Mark: Captain, thank you so much tonight.

Speaker 10

I listen. I I knew. A sheep dog who played. Pool. It was actually you. Know I was named dropped Robin with Evans because. He's a friend. Of mine but his.

**Mark: Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Is that even wrong? The name dropped. You call that Lady.

**Mark: While we're on Robin.

Speaker 10

Evans I wanted to say to Gary, because Robin's really into his foraging up at teapot. You know, they're they're they're building their. Before that.

**Mark: Robin made Robin made dodgy album. He made the view album he he makes it. He also. Yeah, no, you need me. You meet here, Robin. There's a good guy, good guy.

Speaker 10

He loves his collaging.

**Mark: Comments coming in.

**Guest: Yeah, we we like the show when Mark comes up.

Speaker 10

Received all the playing pool. I've seen it.

**Mark: You've seen it done. Talk again.

**Mark: Amy says good night, everyone. Thank you, Amy, for tuning in. This show should not stop caps off. It is going to stop very soon, mark, thank. You for the. Last year, you've been a genuine life saver. Louise and myself appreciate it more than you ever know. Looking forward to seeing you, our first gig. We'll see you in the real world soon, hopefully very soon. Fantastic Entertainment Tonight and chat, thank you very much. Why do we need to go to bed? Than now more.

Chris: I know.

Chris: Could we sell?

Chris: Good short.

Chris: Could we sell, do one more song?

**Mark: Yeah, well, it's your night, man. You could do. What you want? You're you're in charge.

Chris: We're not that I. Know, Captain, he's a night. I'm a night.

**Mark: Owl so excited for sweet Rogue. Yes, we shout out to that sweet rogues gonna be playing on Saturday live and you call that radio. We've got an amazing lineup. We've got. We've got this. We've got Esperanza. Whenever wakes first ever gig album launch with Tom McGuire and the brass Soles bringing the funk, we've got ******* and Venus bringing the fun we've got Loki kid robotic sweet rogue, Suzanne Carpenter, Stevie Creed, Johnny side for Big Fat Panda and Bombscare are gonna play the specials debut album start to finish. That's this Saturday free on this YouTube channel. Make sure you hit subscribe. On the on YouTube, if you're if you're tuned in, hit subscribe, hit the notification Bell and you, you will get to see all that stuff on sale. And then, captain, what knives to finish the night? What have you got for this?

Chris: We're ******* woken up now, aren't I?

**Mark: 5:00 to 6:00 PM that's correct. It's 5. Well, well, I'm here. Are you?

**Mark: I've, I've, I've. I've only got one small beer left. So that's the only problem.

Chris: Ohh mark. Ohh mark.

**Mark: I've ruined it. I just thought. I thought it'd be over. But then what?

Chris: With just one pound a day, you could help a Glasgow man. You got drinking water and the children are young as eleven are forced to drink cheap lager. It's for three.

**Mark: Pound a month for £3.00 a month.

Chris: But for £1.00 a day, you could improve that lager to perhaps a range boom 8.5 something nice. Not much.

Chris: Oh my God, just cuddling you.

Speaker 10

Right now, it's too funny.

**Mark: I dream of arrangement. I I dream of Angie Boom. If you want any support the show. For you.

**Mark: Seriously, there's a few years out there. That are on follow. He's getting free money for sitting you, your ****. And if you are one of those people, then it's £3.00 a month, patron.com forward slash. Not radio. Not one person signed up tonight, even though we would more views tonight than they normally get. So come on, someone sign up. And if he's not, if if someone signs up, I will give them a free T-shirt. Call that radio T-shirt, and I call that radio mug. Someone signs up that.

Mark: And Mark says a meet bill. I met Bill Bailey at the Fringe and shake his hand passing my joint. Is that a name drop? That is a name drop that is. The name drop. What knives? I'm gonna get my last small beer. It's only small beer. I've got one. One small beer. I'm gonna go and grab that for the fridge. So would you mind I'm.

Guest: Go get a wait, wait.

Mark: Just gonna go. I'm gonna.

Guest: Talk amongst yourselves.

Chris: Well, you know well Max's out and everything.

Guest: Yeah, go on.

Chris: I can reassure you I did not steal Lancones capoor.

Guest: Well, I think capitals. Are a bit like lighters. Disposable lighters, you. Know they they. Just they disappear and they come around and. Nobody really owns. Do we really own any?

Mark: Let me pull this small beard in a glass because these currents aren't paying me to promote their ******* their ship beer. Also, there's no sponsors, there's no adverts, there's no funding. This is a this is powered by the people. So thank you to all the patrons who do support this show. It's like you got it.

Chris: Weird song that I made about this came off a story these guys told me in. Glad you. It's good fun with the Andy Boys on the way to.

Chris: He told me tales of smokeless Bolt and after smokeless. Locked it safe behind big walls and steel gates.

Speaker

Face that day.

Chris: And one night hold you. Let's said, I'm off to get the truck and.

Mark: They thought he.

Chris: Could not succeed. They wished him best.

Speaker

Of luck.

Chris: He took a smaller, smaller truck and pressed.

Chris: Him to the gate.

Chris: Instead forwards gradually embanked the.

Mark: Steel plates.

Mark: He crawled beneath the fence into the Army base.

Chris: He found the.

Mark: Truck that the. Army took and he drove him from.

Chris: I hope you all stay free.

Chris: I hope you will have all the love.

Chris: There you go.

Speaker

You want, where do you want it? OK.

Mark: If you don't really know that radio, radio, radio, TV.

Mark: Building a hang.

Guest: Hey, ma. Hey, ma. Speaking of building and. Then you know when you had Gil poor.

Guest: Aaron yeah. I think she was. Really into doing more things with you, that's the that's the feeling I got. I think she wanted to come on again.

Mark: Yeah, well, well, I've actually. I have invited onto another thing. I can't talk about that just now.

Guest: I sent.

Mark: This case go on the captain's excellent. Someone's asking. Do you not make money from YouTube views or corporate or something? No, but the YouTube money is we only get monetized in December, so. After a year. Of doing this for **** all YouTube is now paying us about A5 or a month or something. It's like 30 quid we've made since December. So it's not. There's no YouTube money in it at this level, so that's that's the question. The way we make money is paid for and that's that's my income because I can't play live gigs or. Organise live gigs or work for festivals or do workshops. I can't do anything I normally do, which is why I started this and the only people that have given me any income as the patron. So I love you patrons. Thank you so much. Michael says happy anniversary. You call that radio happy? Happy anniversary to you, Mikey. Thank you for being a supporter. And Ross Winter says 8 times double. Dutch definitely, Petra, says Paul. Danny says. I got my Jag now. I think my name's 5G. That's Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary.

Guest: ******* tune.

Speaker 11

Gary, Gary, you.

Mark: Know I do. You know you. You, you, you. Do realise it's an anthem, didn't you? Everyone loves it.

Guest: It's a ******* hit.

Speaker 11

It's too hot.

Speaker

The next one.

Mark: Is a ******* handsome. I want everybody to go away, yeah.

Mark: Come on. Can you tell me a little bit?

Guest: About your dream. Cause I know it was quite important to you.

Mark: Well, it's not really that important to me, but I had a dream last night where the word the numbers 27 and the number 77 were in my head, so I was. I think vaguely I was looking around for the #27 and 77 and I couldn't find them. And then like. All day it struck me. Now my dreams disappear. All day was like 27 and 77. So there was a. So for example there was a, there was a horse wearing number. 27 to I definitely would. Put money on it. But I'm. Just trying to find out what the 27 the 77 meant. Apparently, 27 in numerology means florante. Maybe so, maybe. Maybe it's a sign that we're going to get 227 patrons tonight, but I doubt it's not. It wouldn't patron tonight. But it doesn't mark anything. This is free. No point in this. It's free for everyone to. View But if you want to support it then you can it's page run.com/you call that radio and I thought we were wrapping up but it looks like. The captain's got another song. What is?

Speaker 10

My, my, my phone, my phones going down.

Speaker

Like mad. It's gonna cut any settings but.

Speaker 10

If I disappear, that's high.

Mark: Gary, Gary, it's been a pleasure to speak to you, man, you've went sideways, so I'm just gonna let.

Speaker 10

I'm not being there.

Mark: You go, Gary. You're an absolute legend, so good to see you.

Guest: Bring it on it keep writing the.

Mark: Head keep writing hot. Just keep writing. Keep making that good food. Keeping that good music, keeping that good poetry. Your Gary, I'll see you soon. And then there was three.

Guest: So I.

Guest: Was going to say.

Mark: Go for it, Captain. Take it away.

Chris: We're back in the beginning. Back in 1955, man didn't know about rock'n'roll show.

Speaker 10

And all that.

Chris: Why not to smoke Blues? And it was proper confusing. Nobody knew what haircut to have. 70s so I didn't really have a song though, but I I could. I could do a song. Though I've got a song right? So that somebody. Saw somebody's comment saying that's not the normal type of song about Crossmaglen, it just came from being there a couple of years ago. Being in a family with these lads and they told me this tale about the guys nicking their own lorry, back off the arm. I thought that is ******* quality. Going in an Army base and getting your own lorry back. Thought that is. Proper ********. So it turned into a song. But anyway, I can think of a few other songs if you can bother to stay away at Mark, you've only got one small beer. I'm a bit worried about Mark now. With only one small beer in the gaff, that's not looking good. My name is Mr. I'm from the bread marketing board. There's a question that I need to.

Mark: Ask can you?

Chris: Help me out with the marketing to ask. Are you into bread? Are you in to? Tell me maybe what you like. To spread, I'll offer your crude bits seem. Nice warm toast. Which bread products do you like the most? Maybe like a buttered bun?

Mark: Maybe you like crumpy stick.

Chris: Maybe just need it too quick. Maybe you eat it till you're sick. Maybe you eat.

Speaker

It till you're.

Chris: Are you? It's bread. Are you eat bread? Tell me, baby.

Speaker

What you like?

Chris: Do you get your backside front of your man? You have questions? With your mum.

Speaker 12

Black bread to.

Chris: Dip in your soup. Are you into bread with your?

Speaker

Family group.

Chris: Are you into bread with your family group? Right. That's good that I saw that. That's two then. And name is Mr. I'm back from the bread marketing board. There's a question I still need to ask. Please help me out with the marketing task. You need to break, are you interpret? Are you into bread? Do you love your bread? I love my bread to. Eat the bread. Eat bread that you found me. Brothers and sisters having bread for tea, do let soldiers to dip in your. Egg do you like?

Speaker 10

It all are you into bread bread.

Chris: Listens to a word I've said.

Mark: Amazing staff.

Guest: Had some great planning right there, that's that's some of my favorite punning.

Mark: I just want I just want to give a. Shout out to patrons. From no patrons to to patrons, I want to give a shout to Amy Douglas sub to the. We'll give a shout to Karen, a patron. We've got two new patrons tonight. That's amazing, man. I mean, that is amazing. And also if you check your patron you should have like songs and all sorts of bonus material. If you've not got it then send me a message. Also, I think I did promise a mug or a T-shirt to one of these. I'll send you some free shirt as well because we really appreciate it. It's like the whole point of this is like there's no paywall. So if you're in everyone, you're going to enjoy the show for free, but if you're. Getting wait worry with money then £3.00 **** sake £3.00 stick it in. It's a price. You a pint? A month and we do a lot. We do a lot here. 260 shows we've done short films, documentaries, music, videos, audio, podcast. We're not lazy, we're not lazy. And you call that radio. That's.

Mark: Now the Lord.

Guest: Works hard, man.

Chris: Right.

Guest: It's it is all.

Mark: We work. We work here when I say. We I mean me, captain hot knives. Already started playing.

Chris: Excuse me, mayor. Excuse me, ma'am.

Speaker

Excuse me.

Speaker 11

Matt excuse.

Chris: Me, Matt. While it is right.

Chris: I just need. A pound. I just. Need a pound? A pound towards building my time machine or one building that. I'm building a time machine. I just need some parts The Time Machine. When I build time machine, I'm going to go back in time. 24. When I had some.

Chris: And then I'll pay some money back. I'll give. You the car back.

Chris: She'll give us pound out. Excuse me. Excuse me, Matt. Excuse me, Matt.

Speaker 10

Excuse me, Matt, if you.

Chris: Could give us a pound. That would be sound. What it is now. I've been building my time machine, but all the funding got tooken away. The funding got put onto the Large Hadron Collider, who needs a Large Hadron Collider when they could have had a ******* time machine. I was going to open a time travel. Time share. You could spend 2 weeks in any time period in history for a pound using my time machine technology. But before I could finish off my research, tragically, I developed more than a passing interest in recreational pharmaceuticals and now find are needing a pound on a. More regular basis. So if you could give the pound, that would be sound. Come on. Excuse me. Mate, what it is right?

Mark: If you give me.

Chris: A pound today I will give you.

Chris: A pound on.

Chris: Tuesday, I promise I. Will, I'll meet you outside the bus station on. Tuesday with that. Pound if you could. Sort of out with pound that would be.

Speaker 10

I would be sound. Yeah, no fish video. Radio. Radio.

Mark: You call that radio.

Speaker 13

Quit while you're ahead. Keep going on your ******* up. Don't click while you're ahead. Keep going up your ******* up. Don't clip while you're ahead. Keep going on your ******* ******* right. On the road, A10 foil and a microwave. So lazy.

Speaker 12

So much while we get so crazy enough. Cold in the eye. Keep going.

Speaker 13

Computer game. 24.

Speaker 12

That's a Monday, January. You walk away, but wireframe and share the blame. Shame you never know unless you play. History is kept in me. What they hate you. OK, baby? Message me. Take your break or over stay. Build a wall and make them fade until a race of teams to say, come on my dreamy ticket. Sincerely, January. Keep going. Go away.

Speaker 13

Go where are you ******* ******* **** you.

Mark: You call that failing failing. Baby show. Most every night, every night, every night, it's going to be streaming live streaming, life streaming live. Baby show. Almost every night, every night. To be streaming live streaming live streaming live.

Speaker

Ah, it's Patrick and.

Chris: I don't have a.

Mark: Yeah, go on.

Guest: Time machine reminded me of this, and I haven't played it for 100 years, so I would like to play it just cause it's about The Time Machine thing, but it's quite mellow, so I'll do a mellow, mellow thing a bit, and I'm going to look at the.

Guest: So that.

Guest: Chords a little bit just because.

Chris: It's a long, long waste of. Time. If you don't know. You never talk to. Moment with the cheapshark in your. It's a waste of time. It never ends. To climb up your plastic time machine and close the door everything you need. And don't take the rejection personally. Bless your your hand. Grains of sand.

Mark: You think you've got a life? Think again.

Chris: It's a way of light. It never rains. Plastic time machine and close the door. Need to draw the screen. Don't take the injection personally. Miss you? Plastic time machine.

Speaker 12

She takes off.

Guest: Come back, come back. Nearly said myself to sleep there.

Speaker

So it's various ****.

Speaker 11

And he prescribed me. A tame machine which is part of my dream and he frustrated.

Speaker 12

A train machine with the Magic Watch.

Mark: On his wrist with.

Speaker 11

The laser beam.

Speaker 12

He saves the story back for you unless you go. Rocking, Dave, you can't bring Wayne and then you can comment on it over and over again with your lucky. And hopefully you'll never have to watch again, not to say. Amen, grace. It's too lifeless life.

Speaker 11

It's too lifeless.

Speaker 12

And he frustrated me. A tame machine was decided to talk to us as part of my dream, and he betrayed me machine with the Magic Watch.

Speaker

All that.

Speaker 12

Please try again.

Mark: Brothers and sisters, may the.

Speaker 11

Peace that can only come from.

Speaker 10

The one God be upon you.

Speaker 12

We are here to tell the people that we hear.

Speaker 10

You some God will not allow us and people of.

Mark: He joins.

Mark: Mute, mute, mute.

Mark: That was missing prescription.

Guest: Isn't that funny that we all had time machine songs?

Mark: Go work in Michigan.

Chris: Moment full of Rocco, Mr.

Guest: That was so I could fall asleep to. That that's so good, man.

Chris: It's good, I've learned this years and years ago and it's quite good to do music with no lyrics to for people to zone out to. You know during this. Horrible thing cause I've been really ******* sick. But like, sure no worse than. A lot of other people, but.

Mark: What about a bit worse than most people?

Chris: Well, one of the things I. Want to was these little repetitive little riffs? Because I couldn't do lyrics for ages, I couldn't do it. I'm only just starting again. I've done this, but the third time I've tried to do something involving words in about a year.

Mark: Cause like as.

Chris: Most of my looms came. I came out of my ******* mouth last April. It was ******* grim. And they're not right. It's like I can feel the I can actually feel that the smaller inside and my voice is higher and weird, like see when I was really ******. The one thing that kept me head straight was playing these. Little riffs these. Pixie music.

Guest: Yeah, I came into quite a.

Mark: Few of your lives.

Chris: And I ended. Up because I. Had to sort of, like teach myself how to play. It's had really bad fever for a long time and it was, I think it my brain was swelling up inside my head. I was like delirious, was hallucinating and seeing dead relatives in my house and. All sorts of ****. And then when I tried to pick up instruments, I could, I couldn't. So I had a bit of time. I couldn't even play anything. And then I found I could like. Just one or two riffs on this metal guitar and one or two on the banjo that could like. I could still do. So when I was having a better day, I used to sit. And try and do him. Just to like relearn my fingers and my brain how to connect up and do do the. Do the song. Yeah, I like instrumental music and I like music that people can fall asleep to.

Guest: It was so soothing.

Chris: Because The thing is like if there's a light. In one of Shane Macgowan songs where he goes on about somebody who plays the harmonica in. The Pope, where he was born. He said he could sue the souls of soothe, the souls of psychos. But you know when everyone's wired the **** out with tunes and bring everybody chill them down.

Mark: The souls of cycles. The great line.

Speaker 10

Well you as you.

Mark: Are as you are playing, that a captain I I was going back. I was going right back.

Chris: Into your green screen, you're almost back in. Space there without. The green screen.

Mark: Yeah, like.

Chris: I made them to keep my own head straight when I. Was like, really ****** on my own.

Mark: Esca says just published the full discography with lyric sheets to 18.

Guest: Who was that?

Mark: So I think.

Chris: I don't know what that means.

Mark: That that's your. Your whole discography.

Guest: His life's work.

Mark: Send me a link to. That please. And I wanna. I'll pass it whenever. Whenever toys from Paul Pipes says Mark.

Guest: I need to fill my glass.

Mark: Well, I've got no glasses left. I'm done when you're wrecked, but you actually have talent, says Paul. Your fingers are ridiculously talented, says Bob Campbell. That man.

Chris: Watching after all this time.

Mark: Yeah, man, it's it's, it's 5 1/2 hours, 5 and half hours are still people tuned in and join it.

Speaker

He's a really good one.

Mark: But I think that I think we should. End it with. I think we should wrap it up with a song for yourself, man. I skunk my Nana. It's what? Are asked.

Chris: I've not got this for the neighbours, for rice. Want me, Nana? Like a loud shout. You would. I'm better off doing it. You want music now?

Mark: OK. Could you do a chill out music with the lyrics? Is that possible?

Chris: Possibly. Yeah, possibly.

Guest: Soda, soda. Bedtime sodas.

Mark: Yeah, I've got.

Chris: I've got a bedtime from. I've got a bedtime. So now.

Mark: We can have an after party we. Can have an after party Bunny wrap up now because it's 5 1/2 hours and we need to wrap up the show the show has.

Guest: What was the what was the?

Guest: Record again Mark for your longest goal.

Mark: 12 and I think about 10 1/2 hours, actually 10 1/2 hours on my birthday and then I got in a lot of trouble for my neighbours, and that's what I'm going to have right now. If I continue to get excited. And talk too loud. The neighbours downstairs.

Mark: You're kinda.

Guest: You're sleeping? You kinda excited.

Mark: No, I could. I could have tried deliberately not. And maybe get filtered out by YouTube have to look at my YouTube chat on the website OK. We'll check that out. Ishka we would like to see the the capital photography, absolutely. Well, I think Captain Honey was going to finish up. Thank everyone shooting in tonight. We've got coming up this week.

Chris: Yeah, I've got one laps on then.

Mark: We've got normal tomorrow with this was tonight. We've got Paul Vickers in the leg doing the replicants, Mr. Such a funny guy. 2:00 o'clock tomorrow afternoon, tuning for that. And then we've got the build up to the big one. Which is it could be anything on that show. When all the build up, the big ones are always great. Off that's on Thursday, and then we've got abdominal, an absolute legend of hip hop on you called that radio on Friday night. And it's building a spring with all this. We've got a scan take over. We've got a funk take over. We've got a hip hop take over and we've got my never wakes album launch. It's gonna be a big day. It's free for everyone that subscribes on YouTube and just subscribe hit the notification Bell and join us for that cause. It's a big day and then I'm taking a week off. I need a week off. For somewhere you got burned out. I can feel already. So whenever we break after that.

Guest: You know, and I know if you knew. But I you. Know Sir Tankian from system of a down. Did you know I made some? Songs with him.

Mark: Not well that. That's just like a name drop.

Chris: There's an end drop.

Mark: It's well, it's just system of a down.

Guest: There's an end drop.

Guest: Yeah, we met.

Guest: Serge and I made night time.

Speaker 12

The name drop.

Guest: So when I lived in LA. Plus, has he got signed to Def Jam? He had always wanted to work with a female singer. So he. Was still in the drum.

Speaker 12

The name drop.

Mark: Sorry, sorry. Def Jam was definitely a name drop, OK?

Chris: So he was.

Guest: He was still living with his parents, but he said to me, look, I'm going to get. Really famous in a minute, but. I'd really like to do this project with you. And sure enough, he did get really famous, and that was not allowed. But anyway, we did 9 tracks together and one of them got signed. One of them was in a film film called Bug. Which was directed by William Friedkin for who did The Exorcist? Harry Connick Junior and Ashley Jordan.

Chris: The ones in the church.

Guest: Group is that I asked Serge if I. Could put the songs out on one of my like on my YouTube and he said no but. I think I should share. Them with you is what I'm. Thinking because what's he gonna do? They're they're half. My songs anyway, you know.

Chris: I did.

Mark: Come on.

Mark: He's got better lawyers.

Guest: This is true, but what? What I don't know.

Mark: Send me the picture. Send me the.

Guest: I will. I'll send. Them to you.

Mark: Also, Garry's just sent me a song. That he's done, but. He said sorry I had to go and he's also sent me a song. I've listened to the first two seconds of it and it's definitely a copy. I think she.

Mark: Is it?

Mark: See, tonight's show. I don't think we've actually breached any copyright as far as I'm aware. I'm just going to check. Do we have any corporate robots checking us out or no? I I don't have the monetization on AH, I ****** that one.

Speaker

That would have.

Mark: Been about two pounds I could have. Made about between. 30 pence and £1.20 there, but the one piece was off.

Guest: Captain, you know your song and the babies won when it starts, I always think it's going to be. Denie denie by Blondie do that intro.

Speaker 10

All right.

Guest: Check it out, baby.

Chris: It probably wouldn't be fair. It's just too cold. It's just too cold for each.

Guest: I love it. I love it.

Mark: Petra, thank you very much for being here tonight. Thank you to everyone tuned in. We're gonna end with Captain hot knives. It's gonna play us a wee song.

Speaker 12

No, no, it's.

Mark: Just 5 1/2 hours and the neighbors.

Chris: Calling now today.

Guest: I'm ready. I'm ready to.

Mark: I remember the last time I remember the last time.

Chris: All right then.

Mark: Thank you so much, Captain. Hot knives. You're a legend. We love you. Thank you so much for coming on. You call that.

Chris: I'll tell you what. Thank you, mark. So just do one last little tunage then.

Mark: One last little tune and then. We'll wrap it up. Love it after party though. Once we cut it off.

Chris: Does that mean we can still talk to each other? But we're not on telephone.

Mark: Yeah, because no call each other. Just won't be on live. Then we can. We can tell them. We we we can talk how we really think. We can talk about.

Guest: And you know what, you know.

Guest: What you do? Then what you do is. You say you. Do a short show and then you. Select the patrons have and the. After party.

Mark: I don't believe in paywalls. I don't believe in paywalls. Why it's free for? Everyone patron patron.

Speaker

Is that?

Mark: It's for people who want to support. The show, yeah. Because I've got. This is why I don't make money because I've got morals and it's always been my. Problem the.

Guest: This is true.

Mark: Point is that it's free for everyone. It's free for everyone to watch and. Although maybe maybe. Once a month, we should have a patron party. What we did for never weeks album listening party that was great, but that was up to me. Never weeks they only wanted a secret party. So firm has got an album they want to bring out, can have a secret listening party patrons come in. I think there is something. In that, but at the. Same time all the shows are free and I don't want it to be. What you can't afford. £3.00 a month so you don't get to go to the after party. What I do is give people free songs. They getting their raffle other other bonus.

Guest: Well, think of it more like the backstage pass.

Mark: Yeah, I know. I hate that hate backstage passes. VIP stuff. I hate it. It's not. It's the opposite of what I like. But things this way everything should. Be free for everyone.

Mark: I'm so horrible.

Guest: But you're so good, right?

Mark: You know. Yeah, no, I've got. I've, I've. Got a guilty conscience? And the whole point of this whole thing experiment, if you call that radio TV is it's free for everyone. If you want to. Chip in then you can if you want to chip in, then go to Patreon dot. Com forward slash.

Guest: I hope you're. Riding with man, you're gonna go far with that.

Mark: I'm going to be very, very far.

Guest: When you go far.

Mark: I'll go very, very far. Very, very. Slowly and it'll ruin my. Life, captain. What names to take us. Out wrap it up. You're a legend. Thank you, Petra. Thank you, captain. What names? Let's do it.

Guest: Thank you.

Chris: OK, so this is a ballad. About where? Hang on. Is it I? Don't know if it is. A ballad? Tell me what ballads. Are to be fair. I'll try and sing it anyway.

Chris: I went to Pilania trail. Let's talk city in the morning, withdrawing from. Searching for. Say I was in, she could. Plastic tops, she said. When you going to be so much better? At the window, the Cannon Mountains passed by.

Mark: That you.

Chris: Next morning I just had to leave.

Mark: And so.

Chris: And they're actually. Was not when I wanted. And family crossing. But not Facebook. But the train from Manchester?

Chris: When we saw.

Chris: Did not know what to do.

Mark: Know what to do.

Chris: I had to see the choice. There you go. That's your lullaby tune.

Mark: After party after party.

Chris: You get to come to the after party and live with us in a small community.

Speaker 10

It's where.

Guest: How big is the kettle on? It will be so nice tea.

Chris: Get the kettle. We only know the best. Forager in the in the world.

Guest: And I make a really good macaroni cheese.

Speaker

*******. Come on.

Speaker 10

Write them out.

Chris: So we call it a draw on the show, but we can still have enough.

Mark: Got a draw. Thank you, Captain Hodge. Thank you, Petra.

Chris: Fingers back to my.

Mark: We'll see you tomorrow at 2:00. We'll Vickers.

Mark: You call that. TV show show. And almost every night, every night and every night. She's gonna be streaming live streaming life stream of life. TV shows, TV show, TV show. Almost every night, every night. It's going to be streaming live streaming live streaming live.

3. The Captain Hotknives Open Mic Night 2 w VERY Special Guests - Apr 21, 2021

Mark: This is you. Call that radio. We are back. Return of the Captain Hook, knaves. It's the one you've all been waiting for. Backed by popular demand. The man, the myth, the legend, Captain Hot Knives hosting, playing some songs, getting the crack and going to introduce you to some of his friends and special guests. It's a kind of open mic night vibe, so if you wanna do a poem or a song then leave me a comment and I'll try and and get you on. But no promises as time is not something that we we deal with very well on when when we are together, I don't know who's a bad influence on who, me or me and him or him and me. The last one was 5 1/2 hours. We have promised that this is not going to. You sending it that happy haircut, Mark? Yes, I do have a haircut. Well spotted. Well spotted. Lou has also spotted that nothing gets by yours. We've got Gary Penders in the house. How you doing? And I seen Gary at the weekend, I was filming a wee. Hang with Colonel mustard. At the barrowlands. So why wasn't nice when the barrowlands I was in the barrows market that we song there. Ohh fab. Captain hotness this cat evening everyone says Paul Evening trip. Says Petra. Good evening folks, says Mark Mckinnis as well. So yeah, I've went for a beach background today because I've got a haircut. I've seen a family member. Not seen in a year today. That was amazing. I had a big. Cycle and we've just been told that in May the 17th we're going to be able to do indoor gigs. From May the 17th, I think it's up to 100 people with social distancing. So that means that we can maybe do that. You call that radio show and in a venue in Glasgow. Maybe we could just get some seats set up. And have a podcast live podcast, some acoustic music, some poetry, some comedy. I'm excited for that. I think we can now go live to captain hot knives.

Chris: Hey, Matt.

Mark: Do you believe? Do you? Believe in spring. Do you think it's gonna be? A real thing.

Chris: You know what, right? Another last month was a year of lockdown cause we did a show right at the start of the. 3rd year, didn't we? Like this month, it is time to feel a bit more lively in it. And like the sun's out a bit and the restrictions are. Going a bit less. And with a bit of that. We can actually have the. Crack properly soon, so that's good for you even. Even if we can't have it straight away knowing that it's. That the ship. Yeah, yeah.

Mark: It's coming back. It seems to be the case, man. There's like gig offers are starting and it's funny. There was do. Some someone offered me a gig the other day in. London and I just said to her that I'm up for it, but I'm wanting to see to have seen. Gigs with my own eyes before I went to book, but then today hearing that announcement. I'm now starting to get the the promoter head on and thinking let's put on a ******* gig indoors. We know Windows beer, jam, jam for CCTV, says big up.

Chris: Do not.

Mark: I got the Captain, Lou says pasta, garlic bread, a glass of red and the captain on my favorite show. What a time to be alive. See, there's this a lot of enthusiasm today also.

Chris: That's cool.

Mark: The Polish guy got you got found guilty for murder, which is good cause he murdered someone. So it's it's just shows you how far behind that were. Even surprised at that. But that was good news. Hashtag all charges matter. He got found guilty, and all three charges. And we've got a lovely and sunny and bum proper cheers people up. And we've got Charlie seeing a nice way to start Wednesday evening, yes.

Chris: You know what, Matt one.

Chris: Day we should get Charlie on because he's he does like. Quite beautiful instrument or guitar music in open tunings? Maybe getting on next month. Yes, I just commented if it's the guy, I think it is. I've jammed out with him quite a few times at the back of stages at festes. Anyway, that's the. Next time, that's what.

Mark: No, that that's good.

Chris: You've been to the barbers.

Mark: I've been at the barbers mate.

Chris: You've been outside and now?

Mark: Appino said.

Chris: You live in a tent on the beach.

Mark: And then 1119 and the beach. Once you go out, you can't. Go back man.

Chris: OK, I'm still stuck in the same graph as I was last year like.

Speaker 6

Where's my tent on the beach?

Mark: I'm sure they'll be at in the beach coming. Soon to you.

Chris: On the beaches at the bottom of it.

Mark: Are you in the gym? You in the gym?

Chris: Large cat stand gin gin is the farthest drink in the. World this is Pauline. Which is just the gym bottles, you know, cause. People met moonshine there, they. Don't got lots of spare bottles. They just use old bottles. Don't they? Yeah. So. That I've got given old. It's moonshine and this is the last bottle of it I've got until I see my mate. So I'll have to go steady on it. Well, I won't really.

Mark: For anyone who's joining us tonight, you might have seen the show we did last month, a year of locked down with Captain Hot Knives. It lasted for about 5 1/2 hours and I believe that after party was still going.

Chris: Party went on till about 10:00 o'clock the next morning, the summer night.

Mark: I went in my bed. I went in. My bed. I. I ran out of beer, so the credit started rolling for me. But it seems like you kept it going, which is great. To see we're. Not going to do that tonight, though. We're going to I'm.

Chris: No, no cabinet.

Mark: Going I'm going. To I'm going to have a beer. But we're not gonna do it for 5 1/2 hours. You're up early tomorrow. I'm up. Early tomorrow.

Chris: Yeah, true.

Mark: So I'm just gonna take it easy.

Chris: Big day tomorrow. Work in the morning.

Chris: We spoke mostly.

Mark: We'll go. We've got a polar bear in the house. Alan Gray. Nice moonshine. Al Clark says howdy. Hello, al.

Chris: Hey, he is ******* lovely, alevin.

Mark: Yes, yes. Get the clogs turning, lads. Yes, guys. Nice to see your Chris. Nice to see your face. You're big pie.

Chris: I'm looking forward to.

Mark: Asking if you're tripping today. No comment.

Chris: Not yet. Not yet, but I have.

Mark: Not. Not yet.

Chris: What it was. I had a freak accident. I was just doing a really nice copy of a Caravaggio because I'm an art forger. It was looking so good. It was like a proper Caravaggio, and I was. Just getting my. Felt tip out for the last corner of this forge, Caravaggio. I'd buyer for it and everything. And then the tips. Of this ******* jar of dried mushrooms on my. Elbow it slipped up in the air. And a ghastly amazement and uploaded the mushies selling them off Mark. And I went up following them just before the gig. And I'm like, I'm supposed to be a professional musician, and it's it might seem that given the last two times I've been on your show, that I was on mushies, it might seem that this is a bit of a pattern. And I'm not actually optional.

Mark: Well, I mean, I think I wouldn't seen a pattern. I've certainly not seen a pattern. I realise that it's been accidental.

Chris: It's purely accidental. I mean, it's a sort of accident that could have happened to anyone when they were forging a major piece of art. My uncle.

Mark: Is it is the pain and OK is the. Pain that survived.

Chris: Well, sadly, after the Mushies tipped down, my throat spontaneously ejaculated onto the painting. And it's reduced its value considerably. Yeah, well, it's been a bit of a nightmare, mark. I'm gonna paint over it tomorrow.

Mark: Have you got? Do you have a song about mushrooms?

Chris: I do have a song about mushrooms stroms.

Mark: I think we should start with a song about mushrooms.

Chris: It's one of the best songs I've got.

Mark: In the fields of Scotland.

Chris: After the rain has been rain. We were getting wet. My train is soaking.

Speaker 6

But I wasn't bothered.

Chris: See now in the fields looking on the ground. With the little. Plastic bag. See what I've found?

Speaker 6

Scottish limited?

Chris: What a great free thing to find.

Chris: What unusual thing to do to my mind say come back to my house. The newspaper spread them out to dry. Make myself a bottle of tea, milk and sugar for.

Chris: This particular room. All I need is burning water, mushroom. Mushrooms filming that's going along are going strange. Everything is rearranged. Everything is rearranged. Now back out in the fields, laughing at the trees.

Speaker 6

Turn the volume down on that. Hedgehog that hedgehog's about to feed back Jesus Christ. Where's the sound? Mum? That hedgehogs plugged into a Marshall Stack. What the ****'* going on? I've got. ****** myself again. I can't tell.

Chris: Trying to touch the front of me and see if I ****** myself and I couldn't ******* tell, couldn't.

Speaker 6

******* tell worthy, wet, worthy, wet, worthy, dry, worthy, wet, worthy cold. Where the yellow where they drew where the.

Chris: Car do I?

Chris: Have no idea. Mushrooms had kicked in. I had started to begin to lose track of.

Chris: Whether or not.

Chris: I ****** myself and I thought I need. So in the distance for farmer and for farmers, love mushroom. Pickers like me. And I shot it over to him. I said.

Speaker

Hey, Matt.

Mark: Sis, if you're not busy. Could you just touch the front? Of my pants, please.

Chris: They told me it gets this land. And I'm like, mate. Come on and.

Mark: Master your land just touched me pants. Let me know whether or not I ****** myself. Then I can get back.

Chris: On my tripping. And enjoying it without wondering whether or not.

Chris: You have to.

Chris: Touch my pants. Just tell me only take.

Chris: A second for you. I'm not tripping.

Speaker 6

Your privilege yet?

Chris: He said again to get off his land and. By this point I would like mate. No one can own land. Land is very, very heavy when.

Chris: You go away.

Chris: Over the weekend, how do you know squirrels are not jizzing on your land? They're springers all over your land every Friday. ******* knobhead you, boomer ****. You burnt your mad at your. Food fake out on land. I tried carrying a looks up from the soil once I.

Mark: Couldn't carry it. Just touch my.

Chris: Parents and he told me again to get off his land. And I was like, **** that, you'll. Sake, you Tory, landowning piece of ****. Stop telling me to get off your. And and he told me again and said, alright, pal, getting on the tip smile with this landowner thing says how come you do all this frigging land? And he said my grandfather fought for this land. That gives me an idea. Says bring your ******* grandmother out here then.

Mark: We should never said that ******* grandfathers massive he's carrying in his ******* head. But I tried me with it. Try me in the maccas with an early stick. I had to think about Charlotte Church. Take away the pain it.

Chris: Was a ******* nightmare.

Mark: And the more he tweeted to me, the more.

Chris: I laughed because I thought he's after his land. And the more they hit me, the more the last and the. More I lasted more hit me. And the more you hate me, the more after then he hit me a bit more because it annoyed him that I wasn't finding it serious as I should have done. And he hit me with a. Hairy stick, this granddad so many times that he died of. A heart attack.

Mark: So now I only slum if I.

Chris: Could remember where it.

Chris: Was we could go there now.

Mark: And create an. Anarchosyndicalist community of.

Chris: Kings and rulers, or even set squares or any. Mass equipment from the 80s.

Mark: And in the end.

Chris: Even though the guy. Was dead. It turned out that I did **** myself. OK, now again.

Mark: Quarantine stream video video. Call that video. You call that video.

Speaker 6

Strange mood of our time.

Mark: We are live. It's you. Call that radio TV. We are live tonight with captain hot knives and a host of special guests still to join us. Kind of like open mic night. Also shout outs by the meeting. I've just released an audio podcast today. With Martin youth Glover. Who is he? He's a producer on urban hymns, the Verve, the endless river by Pat Floyd. He's in a band with Paul McCartney, the Fireman's Killing Joke bassist, the Odd founder, absolute legend you can. Find that. Go and listen to it tomorrow or something. Or if you just got your apple. Or Spotify or any of. The podcast because this. Isn't really a podcast, it's merely. A A hang and. Just look at just type in, you call that radio on Spotify and Apple find that it's cracking that view and he's live and we're live now to the captain. Who's still going to be the name capo? Hot knives? We've got some comments coming in. One of my fave cup knives tunes. More on the mushies. I don't want this land anyways. Is Rebecca radical? Rebecca Radical is also going to be listening to make a racket freeze. Radical will be joining us later on, I believe. So on the Buckie. But she will be doing a wee song for. Us later on. That's fine. You're allowed. You're allowed, but fast in the show, Al Clark says. Love you too. Big ol's laughing. Nice hair, guys. Well, I mean, can you tell? Me. What was it? Was the secret of. Your hair, captain. What knives?

Chris: The secret is I haven't been to. The barbers for a year.

Speaker 6

That's it, Mr.

Mark: Was it not something about coconuts? Was it not something about coconuts as well?

Chris: Ohh no, I had to put coconut oil on it cause it was ******* dreading to ****. And I didn't want dreads. And I remembered my ex Mrs. Used to use coconut oil to stop her hair reading. And thought that I have to do. It myself so. I did it but just made me. Look like chip. Planned for a bit. But you know there.

Mark: Suppose you just get the you just got.

Chris: Was a kid.

Mark: The dose wrong. You gotta start with a half first.

Chris: Say that again, sorry.

Mark: You should just you've gotta start with a.

Speaker

If you finished or not.

Mark: Half first you just went all in.

Speaker 6

Well, I I.

Chris: Foolishly filled the bath with coconut oil. And just jumped in and I lived in there for several months. And then I come out. I was quite briefly, so I've now I look like a right greasy if I look like chicken I've now. As we have much more, I knew that 200 jars of it. Was probably overkill.

Mark: Loison said you should write a song about accidentally ejaculating and hangs.

Speaker 6

OK.

Chris: It now. I went into Tescos just the other day. And the next thing anyone had.

Speaker 6

To say was look over there.

Mark: At that fat swap.

Chris: Easy ejaculating on the fish counter. All the fresh trout with their eyes bugging out. All the passers by. Fill the patron and.

Chris: Out there was like. With my **** and balls out.

Mark: Whacking on the fish counter, ******* on the fish counter. Working on the fish.

Chris: Counter didn't think it was the sight of the salmon chunks. It made me feel like I wanted to blow chunks. My **** instantly became erect and that was about the time I began to detect there was just playing out of the tip. All of us will throwers and chips.

Mark: Store security. We're running on, faster said.

Chris: Listen lads, I'm just having a blast. Accidentally ejaculating in Tescos again.

Speaker 6

Sit down to Leo Jaculator in Tescos again.

Mark: Accidentally ejaculated in Tesco.

Chris: Again, again, fifth time that day.

Mark: Amazing stuff the trouble.

Chris: Is if you say to me do. A song about whatever I will do. I'm very suggestive.

Mark: OK. Well, we can try that out if anyone. Else wants to.

Chris: Everyone's got something.

Mark: We could try it out and.

Chris: Wrong about. Thank you, Luke. Thanks for the idea.

Mark: It's it's. I think that's going. To be. A hit. It's gonna be a hit. Look out for that in the charts soon.

Mark: The producer will be a hit. I mean, I'm.

Chris: Not surprised to serve it.

Mark: Coming soon to the church.

Chris: I've signed a non disclosure agreement, but Robert De Niro's actually booked me for his his daughter's wedding. And you always like Bob De Niro. If I do a good gig at his wedding daughters wedding. I mean, look what happened in the Godfather. You know, they at the end, they. Had plenty of money. I'm just stopping. I've been waiting for. You know what? Mean like? Anyway, watching this and doesn't like offensive things, it's probably not your.

Mark: Yeah, this is. I probably should have done a wee disclaimer at the. Not that bad.

Chris: All right.

Mark: Bad language happens, bad language happens. If you are easily offended, this is not might not be the show for you, although it usually isn't that offensive. It's just usually quite funny, but the the.

Chris: Yeah. No, it's not. Massively offensive, but I do have turrets so I occasionally do say things. That might be a bit random.

Mark: Yeah, but I I see I was, I really enjoyed your threats, so. We in this video.

Mark: Did you watch that?

Mark: One yeah.

Speaker 6

It was not like because.

Chris: You do you remember years ago when you booked? Me for a. Fester and I sent you like a a sort of thing explaining so that if I was like, twitching to get people not to grabbers and stuff. It's just trying to kind of. Reiterate that, but like it's all good. You know, I'm lucky I don't have it very badly at all. It's just it's sometimes if you are ticking a lot and someone grabs you. It makes you a lot worse.

Mark: Well, there's just a lot. A lot of people don't understand it because, like, was that documentary. Was that documentary about the swearing one. And it just seems like that's the only kind of understanding that the general public has of it.

Chris: But I tell you who I should get around the showroom and what I do gigs with my friend Jess, and she does does a thing called Tourette's Hera and what it was right. Years ago, she was proper ******* depressed to **** about having to ex as badly as she has got it. And she really likes comedy, and she was going to comedy gigs to watch him as a pointer and being asked to leave because of ticks. And she's trying to explain to them I'm not heckling, I've just got some ticks I've got to theirs and she got thrown out of a gig by Mark Thomas. But she worked to mark he wasn't his choice that she got thrown out. It was like, you know, over officious kind of. Stuff in his theater or. And she worked and Mark and explained that she wasn't heckling him. She's got to that. And he actually wrote back to her. And she started to get into the idea that the only place she can't get thrown out of a gig from is on stage on make friends and.

Mark: I actually got flung off and giggle.

Chris: I've been thrown out of my own gigs, to be fair, is a lot more. Fun to do than me?

Mark: But the the, the the chances are a lot less reduced significantly.

Chris: But what? What it was, How I Met Jess was this years ago. I did a gig in Sheffield with this guy, and he's half of cassette boy. If you've heard of cassette boy. Yeah, you know they. Do the sort of video.

Mark: Most, most, most people will know cassette boy.

Chris: Yeah, so here's.

Mark: Describe a mash-up.

Chris: He is a mate of Jesse's, but he'd said to me, Chris could could I write? A song for or with. Jess, or for or about Jess and I said, not without meeting her. I'm not going to try and write a song about somebody I've never met. So like, although I happily would write one about Samuel L Jackson. Weirdly enough, in fact, I might do well now.

Chris: Ryan Jackson.

Mark: Went to the corner shop.

Speaker 6

He said. Have you got?

Chris: Any cheap bleach?

Chris: Made a mess in the bathroom and the woman became how to set some. You will be lucky to are what you do in making messes in the lovely flat. You in your bed. What are you? Doing now you're ******* carpets, really. That's just a little about some little Jackson.

Mark: Still out when Samuel Jackson.

Chris: Yeah, well, why would I suggest, right? I hadn't ever met her. And then I did this festival. This English festival called Shambala. Now when you come.

Mark: I've I've heard great things about it. The twist expert book for that last year before the pandemic.

Chris: Yeah, well, I was. There doing a cup to not knife. Gig and then. I was just in the campsite and I saw. That fella from cassette. And he says, oh, Jesse, he's here. Do you wanna come? And meet us. I was like, yeah, yeah. Went to meet her. And I started singing Bob, the amazing sheepdog. I could do that as. The next song. After this story, but when I think, Bobby. Amazing sheepdog jesses ticks her vocal ticks. She has a lot of more ticks like she has. A tick where she hates herself. But her motor tics kicked in, and also she started to join in with the words of Bob Demars and Sheepdog, but she started saying. Bears bears in spandex in bed with your. So I just turned it into the next verse and was like Bob came home early. He didn't know where his mum was. There was all these weird noises. He'd go upstairs. Mother surrounded by bears in spandex and then that set off more ticks out of Jess. And then I turned them into more verses, but we both ended up ticking so badly that we both had a seizure each we we were both on the deck sitting and then the next morning disguise seeing me. And he says that's amazing. Yesterday in the campsite, could you do that on stage? And that's like, sick *******. Do you want to see two people have fusion? That was your. Birth and then other bit with before when we were doing songs. I thought you. Were like a band and I was like, no, I wanna. Just like yes. But she come round in the morning. I said, do you? Wanna go onstage and and do?

Speaker

We did.

Chris: And we didn't have. A pet and both of those have got Tourette's, but I didn't really realise that at the time because it was before I. Had a. But anyway, we've got some we get our sleep.

Mark: Is that Glastonbury? Glastonbury Festival.

Chris: That's at Glastonbury. And this time at Shambala, they put us on this stage at about 11:00 in the morning. So it's 11 in the morning on a Sunday, a big festival or medium sized big festival. So people it's like people really hung over and wiped out. It's Sunday morning. The stickers on the stage we don't actually have a set we didn't actually know each other. We didn't have any ******* material at all. They gave us a mic each and Jess, if you give her a microphone, she. Just headbutts it. You can see the sound engineer increasing because his precious asset 58 getting smashed to bits by Jess applying it, and she's just. Sort of like put the mic. Flash and that's being through the PA and I'm thinking right, we need to say. What we are? Or who we are. And there's an audience of people. Who were quite delicate. We really didn't. Need the grief? And I said. Listen, gentlemen, we're a new political party. We are the bipolar turrets, the lions, I said to Jess. Jess, what do they get if they? Vote for us and Jess.

Mark: Yes, every fourth person gets a chandelier.

Chris: And I will like that *******. Qualities I'm going down the front row going. You get chandelier 234. You get chandelier if you vote for us, and I'm and I just made-up this whole fantasy that we were, like, newer diverse political party. And if you voted us in, we'd give you all these things. And then I. Was giving Jess. That's there to her. Ticks are really good if you give. Her a. List something to list her. Ticks will come out and you never know what she's gonna say. Like that day, she was start saying. Sex and the. Lilar Dagenham, do you know what I mean? That kind of carry on. But I was trying to. Work that back into sort. Of spiel and going. Ladies and gentlemen, if you vote for us, everyone. Be able to have. Sex on a Lilo in Dagenham. A Lilo the size of Dagenham.

Speaker 6

Covered in writhing bodies.

Chris: Oh, there's one for.

Mark: One vote for the bipolar you.

Chris: Know what I mean? Like and. It were like I was almost sort of like. The straight man which? I've never been before because it's normally just me. Captain and I was on straight.

Mark: It's torrette. It's tonight's hero. Is that is that. Her name? Her band name.

Chris: Well, that's the performing name. And what it came from was she was. Her friend, who's in Cassetteboy, had said to her something along the lines of instead of seeing Tourette's as a disability, see it as a superpower because of a lot of her. Ticks are very funny. And she didn't know they're gonna come. She just. She'll be in the shop. And she'll be. Like that, you know, we've been in halsdon. You know what I mean and it is. Funny, so we thought. Well, harness it and get people laughing with us because it's creative and it's funny. Rather than sneaking in behind their hands. Like if you know what I mean. And we did quite a lot of gigs. Together as a. Double act and we did a lot of.

Mark: So I'm just. I'm just sure that we are we show the other, but we'll just just to show the the superhero outfit.

Speaker

All right.

Chris: Ohh yeah, that's just his outfit for for to look closely.

Mark: It looks incredible.

Chris: I've missed one. I've ****** myself. Can you see this? I pressed myself during the trip.

Mark: It was after you fought the man for the grandfather, for the land.

Chris: Now ** **** was an entirely this was proper about the adders on the right. So the first gig we ever did was just us ranting and somehow we got booked again. We've had some mad gigs. We once got put on at after Napalm Death. At Glastonbury and while we were backstage before we went, oh, we made a song called Face Palm Death and it was just a list of things that made you wanna face palm. They'd say, Jess, what makes you wanna first palm and she go? Ohm is on an escalator. Do you? Know or whatever.

Mark: Fish, palm. Palm.

Chris: And all booking my panda for watching this guy. It was these *****. We were at the spider there gig when they were doing their set and they had like a 5000 capacity stage. It was a ******* truth stage it go. Stenbury and ladders on straight up. Yeah, we don't actually have a set and neither the particular clip.

Mark: As a as a as a superpower though as well.

Speaker 6

It is a different colour.

Mark: She is trying. I mean, obviously you been able to think of a random adjective or a thing is, it's also like humans as well. See if if. You ask someone if you ask someone to to make up a number. Most students will put a three in it, and it's because we're.

Speaker

Well, well.

Mark: You know that we're not very good at being randomly just creating something out of nothing.

Chris: Which is very true.

Chris: And I've got a good example this like one day Jess shouted out for no apparent reason, cause it's a tick and people tried to too much to over analyse ticks or why they happened. They just ******* do. Just accept it. And she shouted out.

Mark: Malcolm X with a tiny toothbrush.

Chris: And it made mate. That made me instantly go.

Mark: Coming to clean the pollution out of the.

Speaker 6

Mouth of America.

Chris: Because my brain had to.

Chris: Find the reason why Malcolm X would have a tiny toothbrush. And because her scenario set mine off and it goes out of all control, I mean, we've been on stage and thought we need to put we've had signers, you see we've got signers doing it in in sign language, but we can't tell them what we're gonna say, cause neither of us nor. So they just have. To follow it like.

Mark: **** it. That's the the same language guys must have their work out of China, shop Bull in Yorkshire. How you doing, man? He's saying, geez, Chris, you look like Lenny.

Chris: Do you know what is embarrassing for me or bit I I've now right. I've always tried not to, but I now look like my dad. I look like my ******* father now. I've never had logatec. Well, my dad. Well, my dad like a ginger Afro, basically. But he had like, if you get, if you stick a beard on my face. I look like my dad.

Mark: Listen, this is the first time that I've started looking my dad.

Chris: Bobby Joe.

Mark: The first. This is the first time I have. A fat face. You know, so.

Chris: That's, I mean we are stuck inside for too long. We need to burn. All that fat off with. Loads of dancing and carrying on daughter.

Mark: Mark Smith Marky Smith passed himself on the mainstage. So what don't you?

Mark: Can I tell you about?

Chris: Nana do do. Do you know what? It wasn't that I just pushed myself on stage. I'll explain what happened. Like it was quite good comedy gold. And it's also got a scary. So what's happened was before this gig on that stage that you know, that footage you just show all that? Which you just showed that was on a a stage called the Glade stage at Glastonbury. Right. And we were going and I think we either before or after cassette boy. So there's about two or 3000 people. But we've done Glastonbury, to be honest. The proper currents and they make you do loads and loads of loads and loads of shows. If you're small artists, they don't really pay you and they have, you do loads of sets and they did several gigs that weekend. And that was the 7th wheel. And I lost my wife.

Mark: What happens if you don't turn up for one?

Chris: Ohh, you can't not do that. You know what Glastonbury is like? Do you know what I mean? They probably said Michael, leave this round on a hover mower. You probably like go. Mow your tent, get a streamer on your face or something. You know what they're like. Emily Eavis with a machete. Like that out. Though you ******* about with Glastonbury. Yeah, I'll put your ******* ears off your count. She's she just sound like that. She's quite vicious. Anyway, so this there was and I've lost my voice. It's the 7th gig of the weekend. Had my voice. So Jesse's met. Who were there, who were lovely set of Mets. They're saying Chris drink liquids, drink liquids. You said they. Did point out, Chris, you've been awake since we got here on Thursday. It's now Sunday. You know, drink some ******* liquid that isn't special. Bring you current. So I was like, have you got this special rule? Like, no, drink some *******. Drunk on this? Water, which was earlier to my system and my system was like what's this? There's no bubbles in it. It's not poisonous, there's no alcohol. My my bladder was like. So what? This is it's not even. What a party, no. And so we get some sturgeon. I had just enough liquid to make my voice work, but after two songs, I. Was desperate for a. So I'm going to Jess, and this is me imagining no one. 'S gonna notice. On a stage where it's 2000, people's eyes are trained on here and behind us as massive screens with pictures of all you know, like there's a camera showing up on a big screen. One, there are 16 and marstone Yorkshire guys thinking more. When's gonna see me saying to.

Mark: Jess and you've got crotch Cam on a big screen.

Chris: And I'm just like, I'm just like Jess. Jess, I've got to go for a ****, and she's going. Chris, don't leave me on stage now. Jess hasn't done. I've done. I've been doing gigs since I was 15. Playing the bass and then since I was 34, being captain, not knives. So I've done thousands of gigs. Jess kind of hasn't. And she's kind of relying on me to do the riffs. And you know what I mean? She didn't want me to leave her on her own. But it's either go off the stage or **** myself, so I ran to. The back of the school now I don't.

Mark: That's beautiful.

Chris: Know if this has ever happened to him, but like. When your **** is trying not to let your body **** itself, sometimes it swells up a little bit and I couldn't get it out. My jeans had this charity shop jeans that were dead pale. Couldn't get it out. My jeans fast enough and half the **** went down the inside of my leg. And then the rest was firing off the back of the stage. It was nowhere near the toilet, so I was just literally at. The back of. The stage behind the. Drums and this big guy with a short sex. Thing on with the Glasgow accent comes down. He's going where you're ******* doing, son big. Old ******* bruiser. Look like a blue Angel was like what you.

Mark: OK, doing some.

Chris: And they're urinating profusely. I'm thinking, does he? Not know what I'm doing. But like my mouth being what it is. I'm like mate, what should? What's it look like I'm ******* doing? Your off gun.

Speaker

It's. I'm in.

Chris: The middle of a gig, I said. You'll have to tell me off later. I'm a bit busy, so I run back on stage, put ** **** back in your pants. But there was. A massive **** staring down my leg and also while.

Speaker 6

I've been off stage, Jess.

Chris: Stranded on the road and no music. No *******. She developed a tick that went like this. There's a little. Bit of light between my eye and my ****. There's a little bit of light between my eye and my piece. There's a little bit of light between iron my piece and it's name is Samuel Jackson, and she had the whole crowd singing along 2000 people. In my eye in my face. And I'm like, come. I walked back into this covered in **** and this entire. Oh, no, it's just, you know, those dreams, you. Have like very like you, you're doing the biggest thing of your life and you piece yourself I. That that's exactly my sort gig that happens to me. So, yeah, so, but if anyone, what we should do is maybe ask Jess to come on the show once because, well.

Mark: I would love to. I would love to show anytime, man, anytime. I think, I think we. All would but.

Chris: The whole thing.

Chris: Is very much geared about giving people with Tourette's. Like a Geo? Because it's one of the conditions you're gonna get the most grief about. Like I've only gotten married and I have few more attacks and I make a clicking noise as if I'm talking to. A horse and. That's about it. Although he was really poorly, I developed to take that shot. A guy in my yard, I. Used to shout out English *****. Look, luckily, I'm in Bradford. So it was all right, no one. Every time I open my. Front door, English count and. It's not the best of ticks and. I get really. Camp ticks I get a tick. I it's. I started out ticking out. That bit from The Fugees you know. Ooh, La La la. But then it just turned into oolala. Now would you put in a queue to the bar or something? And I'm big and I I rock back and forth and I'm stood still and I got twitchy movement. And I'm like that. You know as a tick. What people guys do you? Know what hurts me the most in the day.

Mark: So there's a tech there's a tech, so that one just how long did that take was with you for a while and? Then it just disappeared.

Chris: Three months, few months I was saying, ooh La La, and I still do sometimes.

Mark: And it just then it just then it. Just one day just.

Chris: Sometimes to change ground. I had a period of having Irish republican ticks was a bit dangerous. I had Republican takes for a while and that could. Have got me. Yeah, I had. I used to take up the war and choking a la as ticks. And I'd be in this ******* queue. You know what? Mean I'd be getting on the bus. And the worse one was, I was.

Mark: Seeing a guy playing a gig in Glasgow.

Chris: I know worse than that, mark. I did a gig at the war zone in Belfast. And the gig the night before was in Dudley right now, when the doubling gig ended up in this flat with a load of Furby and skinheads. You know how. It is and. I'm there with these slurping skinheads. They bring out a ball of. Speed like a a *******. Cereal bowl for. Louise on the table and go help yourself. And I'm like, I can't do speed anymore cause I have faith. But I did used to love love to speed, but can't do any stimulants. All I can do is to draw. All the mushies. So I'm like, no, I'm alright lads, but cause none of them went to bed. I didn't get to go to sleep. So the next day I met up in Belfast Sleep deprived, AS4 gets out of the van at the Warzone venue, but it's, you know, when you get to a venue. When it hasn't opened yet. And you're waiting for the sound guy to sound check and all that kind of thing. And I'm, like, bored. And I thought I need a bottle of book fast and I need a battery for my guitar. You know those little. It's in your guitar that have a pre amp. And you need a battery for it, right?

Mark: Both your you and your guitar both need a charge.

Speaker 6

Yeah. Yeah and.

Chris: Both of us exactly well thought. So I'm walking down this road and I walked past this big house and on the end of the House there's a massive. Picture of Brian May on a horse. I'm like they must. Love bright me on this road this is. I would be like curly hair. I'm a big **** rearing up. I thought, what's playing Madden on an **** on a wall in Belfast?

Mark: The image the image. That just I got in my head, there was the guy from the the. Canon Mccune export.

Chris: Ohh yeah he him.

Mark: Yeah, that guy.

Speaker 6

There was basically. A guy like that on.

Chris: The horse on the on the wall. And I'm just ******* single minded, sleep deprived, stoned out of my teeth. I've got an inside out. Harrington on, you know, with it out and bit on the outside. I walked down the street and all the graffiti is like pictures of guys with AK-40 sevens and like these three letters UVF. And I'm like, ah, ********. What I felt like.

Chris: You know.

Chris: I ain't in Kansas anymore, Toto. Do you know what I mean? I thought I'm a bit out of my depth from this, is there? And I'm just thinking if there's. Not a shop. Then I'll go back to the venue and I saw. This kind of shop in the proper. I'm near near to the shop. I'll go with it. And it was like the size of a little Co-op and I went. In and, I'm looking for some special boom they did. Governor and as I'm in the in the shop, a lot of bandsmen came in with his drums. Even little kids in his uniforms were like white in his own and orange thingies. And his hats all come into the shop and my mouth was wanting to get me killed. I'm going ******* Bradford, mate. I'm not much part of the struggle. You know what I mean? Sectarianism in Bradford or Sunni and Shia. You know what, I. Mean, but I am my mum. 'S family. We're a Catholic and all that, and I've got one of these. You know what I mean? And Saint Christopher is a bit. Of a giveaway in it and I'm just like **** and my mouth was really trying to get me killed. Get me killed. My mouth because it's so inappropriate to say the thing. The thing tries to say. Itself. Are you and me? And that's pretty much how to hold. My first shot. To not shout out up the right choppy aloud on what kind of thing in the shop. The orange man. And then I got to the counter. I was trying to ask for the battery in. The book fast, but in order to not tick I tried to speak as. Quickly as I could. So there I am. I've got an inside out Arrington on at the time I have shaved. I'd so look like Skinhead. And I've basically a large skin ido they've never seen, stinking of canvas in their column shop. And I'm saying to the guy.

Speaker 6

Please pass batteries, book book series, battery book.

Mark: And try not to.

Chris: Shout Chuck your alarm up the bar. Help and the guys looking at me. Like I can't even do. It at Belfast as E Belfast accent. Where is you know. Like, what's the matter with you, man? And I'm like, but she's booked. I'm pointing at these girl herself, like looking, you know, trying to roll my first shot, trying to just get out of the shock alive. In the end I've. Thrown in this money and it was British money, which I don't like having British money in my pocket cause it's got the queen. On it the horrible queen. So I've given him the queen he's given. Me some coins and I could not. Get out of that shot fast enough. And I've got about 10 or 15 yards away from the front door of the shop. And my mouth was. Just ******* Bobby Sands in it out loud and I'm like.

Mark: Shut the **** **.

Chris: Mouth and nice to get back there.

Mark: Speaking of speaking.

Chris: It's it's just been the anniversary, haven't it?

Mark: Well, Speaking of Bob, well, there's the another Bob the sheepdog.

Chris: Ah, probably his sheepdog. Or. Somebody else bed?

Speaker

Shut up.

Mark: Bob the amazing sheepdog, right? We're gonna come back to. We're gonna have Bob the Mason Sheep dog, and then we're gonna get our first guest on to know that we've got two in the green room here just now.

Chris: Our crew. So that's why.

Mark: So bring it bring. Them order, then we're, then we're gonna go back. We'll go back, we'll go back. We've got lots of comments. Coming in we got, Sharon says.

Chris: I'm sorry. Go along with that story, man.

Mark: Sharon Drysdale smile Mark Sharon Drysdale with the patriarchy she smile love it might never happen says Sharon drives.

Chris: Get your **** out. Smile, darling.

Mark: And this is this is this is a nice message losing my non verbal son. Just copied your ooh La La. You're a miracle worker as well as a pure legend.

Chris: Give over. I'm not a miracle. But that's nice that he has done.

Chris: Good luck.

Mark: That is, that is very nice.

Chris: I I worked with I I.

Chris: I I worked with a guy at my old job and they told me he was nonverbal. And one day, I just really quietly said to him. I said they. Said is the reason that you're no